If you think a new guy might be a player...

[TheSingleGuy]

I am pretty sure the reason I do so poorly with women is because they think I am the player. Women tell me I'm hot, handsome and sexy all the time and I think this is the reason they conclude I must be a player. I am fairly well muscled, I work out and have six pack abs. I work very hard at keeping myself well groomed, tan and fit. I eat a really strict diet of only foods that most people would never choose to eat. And I like to show off my body with tighter fitting shirts because I have noticed more women checking me out when I dress like that.

 

When I meet women, one of the first questions they ask me is, "Why are you single?" I've had women tell me I could have any girl I want. But my track record with women says completely the opposite.

 

So this is what happens repeatedly. I meet a girl that I'm attracted to. We start talking and she seems in to me, so I get her number. (I won't go for the number unless I'm really sure she's into me because I am scared to death of rejection.) After I get the number, I initiate contact, either text or a phone call. Eventually, I'll ask her out to meet me for drinks. (I never want to invite them out for dinner because I feel that puts too much pressure on her, but then once we get there, we usually have dinner anyway.) Sometimes, if we really seem to be clicking when we meet, I'll invite her to a major league baseball game, which is my favorite first date of all. So my first dates typically fall into one of two categories: Meet for a drink or go to a baseball game.

 

What happens is, about half the time, they will text a few hours ahead of time or even with no notice and say they can't make it to the first date because of blah, blah, blah. Or sometimes, I'll call them when it's time to start saying "I'm on my way, meet me at ____", and then they don't answer or respond to text messages at all.

 

Then I conclude that they must not be that into me. I always feel rejected. It eats at me. In the past, right after the divorce, I have usually continued to pursue these women (probably because I wanted to prove to myself that they weren't rejecting me) and they would go out with me eventually and even sleep with me. At the beginning of this year, I decided that if a woman does that to me again, I just delete the number because she doesn't deserve my time. It's rude.

 

Or, another thing that typically happens, is, I'll call or text and never hear back from the girl. For example, if I send a girl a text message "Happy Friday, XXXX" and she never responds, I figure she's not that into me and find myself in this position again. I feel rejected when this happens, so I kind of get into that thing again where I feel that she's just not that into me and if I continue to pursue her, I'm gonna become that creepy guy who doesn't get obvious clues.

 

But now I am wondering if I am leaving some interested girls out who were just trying to determine if I was the player. Or maybe there was some other issue behind the scenes that I just didn't know about.

 

My question is, for the women, if you meet a guy that you find very visually attractive, that you would classify as either hot or sexy or handsome and you assume he must be juggling five different women around at once, do you somehow think that by playing aloof and making him chase harder, that this somehow screens out the players?

[Pierre]

I am pretty sure the reason I do so poorly with women is because they think I am the player. Women tell me I'm hot, handsome and sexy all the time and I think this is the reason they conclude I must be a player. I am fairly well muscled, I work out and have six pack abs. I work very hard at keeping myself well groomed, tan and fit. I eat a really strict diet of only foods that most people would never choose to eat. And I like to show off my body with tighter fitting shirts because I have noticed more women checking me out when I dress like that.

 

When I meet women, one of the first questions they ask me is, "Why are you single?" I've had women tell me I could have any girl I want. But my track record with women says completely the opposite.

 

So this is what happens repeatedly. I meet a girl that I'm attracted to. We start talking and she seems in to me, so I get her number. (I won't go for the number unless I'm really sure she's into me because I am scared to death of rejection.) After I get the number, I initiate contact, either text or a phone call. Eventually, I'll ask her out to meet me for drinks. (I never want to invite them out for dinner because I feel that puts too much pressure on her, but then once we get there, we usually have dinner anyway.) Sometimes, if we really seem to be clicking when we meet, I'll invite her to a major league baseball game, which is my favorite first date of all. So my first dates typically fall into one of two categories: Meet for a drink or go to a baseball game.

 

What happens is, about half the time, they will text a few hours ahead of time or even with no notice and say they can't make it to the first date because of blah, blah, blah. Or sometimes, I'll call them when it's time to start saying "I'm on my way, meet me at ____", and then they don't answer or respond to text messages at all.

 

Then I conclude that they must not be that into me. I always feel rejected. It eats at me. In the past, right after the divorce, I have usually continued to pursue these women (probably because I wanted to prove to myself that they weren't rejecting me) and they would go out with me eventually and even sleep with me. At the beginning of this year, I decided that if a woman does that to me again, I just delete the number because she doesn't deserve my time. It's rude.

 

Or, another thing that typically happens, is, I'll call or text and never hear back from the girl. For example, if I send a girl a text message "Happy Friday, XXXX" and she never responds, I figure she's not that into me and find myself in this position again. I feel rejected when this happens, so I kind of get into that thing again where I feel that she's just not that into me and if I continue to pursue her, I'm gonna become that creepy guy who doesn't get obvious clues.

 

But now I am wondering if I am leaving some interested girls out who were just trying to determine if I was the player. Or maybe there was some other issue behind the scenes that I just didn't know about.

 

My question is, for the women, if you meet a guy that you find very visually attractive, that you would classify as either hot or sexy or handsome and you assume he must be juggling five different women around at once, do you somehow think that by playing aloof and making him chase harder, that this somehow screens out the players?

 

I have a cousin like you. He looks like a male model, works out a lot, and wears the clothes you described. I have tried to set him up with women and he cannot get laid or find a GF. He is also bitter because he has been dumped very badly by the only women he ever loved.

 

I don't know if this applies to you, but one of the girls I set him up with told me he is too vain, has no interesting conversation, and that there was something about his voice that turned women off. IN other words: PERSONALITY.

 

So I respectfully ask you to consider your personality and how you project yourself. I would also advice not to wear tight clothing to show muscles. In some circles that does not give you brownie points.

[torn_curtain]

Take it from a woman...

 

Most will not be turned off by a guy who seems like he might be a player only. If anything women are drawn to guys who are slightly cocky and emotionally unavailable on the surface.

 

I think this has more to do with how tacky you appear, to be blunt. If you're seriously oozing sleaze from every pour, that will be a turn off, partly because it looks like your'e trying too hard, you're maybe not very bright, and you're not very self aware. If you want to attract women, it's better to be cocky but tasteful.

 

Here's the difference between sexy cocky

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcqdcbAzMK1qdtu3ro1_500.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-06huDu7fp40/ThgkeZn3wiI/AAAAAAAAHf0/r6VWazVZn3E/s1600/marlonbrando3.jpg

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loprejyNXr1qco22ho1_400.jpg

 

and sleazy

http://calitreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/01-Entourage.jpg

http://celebrityscoops.net/wp-content/gallery/vin-diesel-photo-gallery/vin-diesel-13.jpg

http://www.sugarslam.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/pauly-d-435.jpg

 

[TheSingleGuy]

Thanks for taking the time to read, Pierre. Appreciate any help.

 

Women tell me they love my voice and they think it's sexy. So I don't think it's that.

 

Maybe I should consider looser fitting shirts. I take women shopping when I buy clothes and basically let them pick the stuff out. They always pick the tighter fitting shirts for me.

 

I do struggle with conversation if I'm REALLY attracted to the girl. I clam up. I don't know, I can't explain it. A good example of this is, I'll be standing by a bar, leaned up against it, and a really cute girl will come up and "accidentally" rub her elbow against my arm. I never know what to say and the next thing I know she's gone. But if she's a little less attractive, I seldom struggle to get them into conversation easily.

 

But like I say, unless I get them into really good conversation, I won't even ask for the number. So the women blowing me off are by no means out of my league in the looks category.

 

I've considered hiring a female therapist to help me figure out what my problem is.

[Nexus One]

Take it from a woman...

 

Most will not be turned off by a guy who seems like he might be a player only. If anything women are drawn to guys who are slightly cocky and emotionally unavailable on the surface.

 

I think this has more to do with how tacky you appear, to be blunt. If you're seriously oozing sleaze from every pour, that will be a turn off, partly because it looks like your'e trying too hard, you're maybe not very bright, and you're not very self aware. If you want to attract women, it's better to be cocky but tasteful.

 

Here's the difference between sexy cocky

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcqdcbAzMK1qdtu3ro1_500.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-06huDu7fp40/ThgkeZn3wiI/AAAAAAAAHf0/r6VWazVZn3E/s1600/marlonbrando3.jpg

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loprejyNXr1qco22ho1_400.jpg

 

and sleazy

http://calitreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/01-Entourage.jpg

http://celebrityscoops.net/wp-content/gallery/vin-diesel-photo-gallery/vin-diesel-13.jpg

http://www.sugarslam.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/pauly-d-435.jpg

 

 

Oops, I have a blue t-shirt like the guy on the left is wearing from Entourage, I also wear jeans under it when I wear it and black Adidas shoes under it with white stripes. When I wear it, I wear it because it's comfortable and it looks casual. Not sure if that makes me fall into the sleazy category, because I also have business suits like the guy on the right (except for that tie ugh!), but I rather not wear those outside of business occasions.

 

Personally I don't like the cocky yuppie look, I've sat in class in high school with for example the sons of bankers and guys similar to that who tend to have that yuppie look. I never meshed well with those guys. For some reason those guys and I had an irrational friction with each other.

Edited September 27, 2011 by Nexus One

[Pasttense]

"So my first dates typically fall into one of two categories: Meet for a drink or go to a baseball game."

 

This could be a part of the problem. First, a large number of women don't enjoy baseball. "A drink"? You mean alcoholic beverages? A lot of women don't like going drinking. And just a coffee sounds like a nothing event.

 

In your initial conversation why don't you find out what she is interested in. Then find an activity for a date which matches her interests. Whether it is a movie, a concert, an exotic restaurant, a hike, a lecture, a sporting event, a flea market, a museum exhibit...

[TheSingleGuy]

Hmmm...so you think my choice of first dates is bad? Interesting.

 

I guess the drinking thing is kind of a deal breaker for me, so maybe that's a good screening technique for me. If a girl won't have a couple drinks, I don't want to date her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a girl who goes out clubbing and drinking, but a few drinks over dinner a few times a week is pretty mandatory. My conversation just flows a lot easier when I've had a drink. Again, not drunk, but a drink or two.

 

I would think those other events you mentioned would put too much pressure on a girl I barely know because they would probably be hours. With a drink, she'd feel it's a safe, public place and it doesn't have to last hours but it can.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Consider asking what she might like to do and tone it down on the tight clothing and tan.

 

Unless that is what you like to see on women too.

[Pierre]

The clues about your lack of success are here:

 

they think I am the player.

 

Why is that? Not all players are good looking so it is not about looks. You are sending negative vibes and there are many women that despise players.

 

Women tell me I'm hot, handsome and sexy all the time and I think this is the reason they conclude I must be a player. I am fairly well muscled, I work out and have six pack abs. I work very hard at keeping myself well groomed, tan and fit.

 

I am a guy and don't pay attention to men like you, but I suspect you are projecting the equivalent image of the overdone girl that has excess make up, checks herself on every glass window she sees, and is over the top with a dark tan, dyed perm hair, and glitzy inappropriate clothing. As a man I don't give those women one second of my time.

 

I think your image screams "I am vain". I would work on that.

 

I eat a really strict diet of only foods that most people would never choose to eat. And I like to show off my body with tighter fitting shirts because I have noticed more women checking me out when I dress like that.

 

You also seek external validation despite being good looking. that probably makes you appear insecure. You are the equivalent of the woman that wears tight clothing because she likes men looking at her ass. In some circles that is not attractive and screams sleeze. TC, may have a point.

 

I realize I have been brutal with my analysis and that it may seem cruel, but I believe some of these remarks may make you see something you are overlooking. In any event I apologize in advance for the harsh remarks, but I think this may help you.

 

Women are not attracted to men that are vain.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Hmmm...so you think my choice of first dates is bad? Interesting.

 

I guess the drinking thing is kind of a deal breaker for me, so maybe that's a good screening technique for me. If a girl won't have a couple drinks, I don't want to date her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a girl who goes out clubbing and drinking, but a few drinks over dinner a few times a week is pretty mandatory. My conversation just flows a lot easier when I've had a drink. Again, not drunk, but a drink or two.

 

I would think those other events you mentioned would put too much pressure on a girl I barely know because they would probably be hours. With a drink, she'd feel it's a safe, public place and it doesn't have to last hours but it can.

 

Women cannot drink as much as most men. Plus, it leaves the impression that all you want to do is get her drunk so you can get laid.

 

Yep, this behavior would have me pegging you as a not serious person either. If you need alcohol to have a decent conversation, that would be a problem for me.

[torn_curtain]

Just as an add on to my last post.

 

Here’s the difference as I see it between the guys I posted who give off a sexy cocky aura and the guys who give off a tacky aura.

 

The sexy-cocky guys all look fun and interesting. They seem to have more going on than just their looks and they promise adventure to a woman – taking her to cool parties, introducing her to interesting friends, lively conversations, exploring the world with her.

 

The tacky guys look boring, like all they have going for them is a thin veneer of cartoonish maschismo and their artificial, high-maintenance looks. You can imagine what a relationship with them would be like: going to the gym and tanning, hanging out at the beach, tolerating their obnoxious, dead beat friends.

[torn_curtain]

Personally I don't like the cocky yuppie look, I've sat in class in high school with for example the sons of bankers and guys similar to that who tend to have that yuppie look. I never meshed well with those guys. For some reason those guys and I had an irrational friction with each other.

 

I don't think any of these looks qualify as yuppie but yuppie is such an outdated term that I'm not sure what type it refers to in the current world.

[OnyxSnowfall]

My question is, for the women, if you meet a guy that you find very visually attractive, that you would classify as either hot or sexy or handsome and you assume he must be juggling five different women around at once, do you somehow think that by playing aloof and making him chase harder, that this somehow screens out the players?

 

I'll be honest... I'm more attracted to a man that isn't that good-looking. For better or worse, I apply a lot of stigma to symmetrical and well-toned men --- on top of that, I'm not attracted to metros / people that over-groom / seem to put a lot of investment into their physique... it indicates to me that their lifestyle and values are likely incompatible with mine. The question of whether or not they're players does come to mind too... but I've encountered players of all shapes and sizes so, it doesn't solely pertain to aesthetically pleasing men.

 

I've dated such men in the past and have had an exclusive relationship with a couple --- but I've long learned not to do either We've always been utterly incompatible and or their lack of intellect / personality turns me off completely.

 

Also, the less physically attractive men just tend to treat me worlds better.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I just read through the other replies... I think these are pretty spot on:

 

Women are not attracted to men that are vain.

 

"So my first dates typically fall into one of two categories: Meet for a drink or go to a baseball game."

 

This could be a part of the problem.

 

I think this has more to do with how tacky you appear, to be blunt. If you're seriously oozing sleaze from every pour, that will be a turn off, partly because it looks like your'e trying too hard, you're maybe not very bright, and you're not very self aware.

 

Also, perhaps if you look at being rejected differently you will notice a huge difference in how people respond to you.

 

If you feel like you're getting rejected anyway, what else do you have to lose? I always wonder why people take rejection so personally too... often times, rejection has nothing to do with the person one is rejecting.

 

I would work on overcoming your fear of rejection...

 

what helped ME (although it was work-related, not romantically related) was setting a goal of achieving a certain amount of rejections. 25. Get rejected from at least 25 well-searched/relevant publishing companies... I didn't make it to 25 times before I reached success LoL, but I found it to be an effective goal. Rejection gets easier the more one faces it head on. And there's any number of possibilities as to why one gets rejected --- those that are personal are probably fewer in number against those that are impersonal. Perhaps you should approach more women and ask them out before *they* build up your confidence. It should be built, by *you*, before you dive in.

Edited September 28, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[TuffCookieX]

I agree with whoever said personality.

 

I can get whoever I want and I'm a total sucker for douchebag players (I'm a girl) and I LOVE their confidence because I'm quite confident myself.

 

Just a month ago I went on a date with I guy I met at a bar who seemed really awesome. Then I realized on our date he was rather nervous. It was kinda cute but then it ended up really messing up the date because I was kinda just waiting for him to spit out whatever he wanted to say. And the conversation was boring.

 

Another guy I hung out with wouldn't shut up. Sometimes I just want to enjoy someone's company in silence. He couldn't handle the quiet and had to interrupt every little second with a stupid question. The sadder part is he didn't get the hint when I gave him short answers and didn't even look him in the eye.

 

It's all about how you come across to the person. I can't tell you what might turn a girl off because I'm not there with you but try to really read into how she reacts to what you say or do. Then don't hit her up so often, no more than once a day.

[CarrieT]

I have another thought about the baseball game thing...

 

First dates should be relatively short so that if it doesn't work out, not a lot of time has been invested. So I don't think the drink thing is a bad first date.

 

But a baseball game is HOURS and if a girl (or you) don't feel chemistry, what is the girl supposed to do but wait it out. It is too long amount of time to expect someone to hang with you when they don't know you. And what if you are more into the game than getting to know her?

 

Girls want to be talked with and have their mutual explored. Going to a game is what you do after a few dates and you are comfortable together, not when you are getting to know someone. They might see you as being more interested in the sport than in them.

[Imajerk17]

I've criticized the women on LS before, but I think they did an amazing job on here laying out what makes them feel attraction. Read these responses SG.

 

Also, read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299729/

Edited September 28, 2011 by Imajerk17