She worked abroad, i waited, i lost.

[thebig-guy]

Hi, just another breakup story, but different. And i keep hoping she will come back.

 

RELATIONSHIP SUMMARY

Basicallly ive been going with a girl for 1 year now, i met her on holiday and she lives at the other end of the country, we were getting the plane to see each other the first 6 months of the relationship every couple of weeks so things got really intense when together... Then she got offered a job abroad in an entertainment team. I foolishly let her go as i told her i would come out to work there, but never did. We agreed that if we could get through the summer of her working abroad we could get through anything..

 

THE BREAKUP

Well the breakup started about 2 months ago!! I noticed she was crying on the phone alot, she said she needed to see me. She even fell down the stairs abroad and ended up in hospital, she blames the fact that i never wanted to see her a big contributor to why she dumped me.. Anyway, i never went out to see her and just sended gifts instead. I managed to go out twice in 4 months, which i now regret badly.

She became progressively 'heartless' with me on the phone. We would no longer spend 3 hours talking, she would no longer call me after a night out. The contact was reduced to a minumim. She just said she was really busy with work (16 hour days)

It all ended with a bang, i finally went out to see her last week because she was worried about how she felt about us, The whole 3 days i spent with her she was a different person, lack of body contact, talking, sex. She seemed like she had already made her mind up. I left the island in peices expecting the worse

When i got home she told me she didnt want to continue this when she got back and so ended it. I retaliated and deleted her off facebook which turned her aggressive with me. In turn i got even more angry and called her a 'slut' down the phone because i suspected she found someone else... which leads me on..

 

MY SUSPICIONS

I felt as if she had met someone else because some guy had wrote on her facebook wall saying how he was glad to have her in his posession... I blew my cool with this and accused her for days about it. She insists to this day she isnt seeing anyone and swears on her mothers life... Only time will tell if this is true..

 

 

CONCLUSION

Its been over a week now after she told me the bad news but ive still being messaging her, trying to be friendly, then slipping questions in about getting back together but getting shot down. Its now at the point where she hardly replies because shes sick of me contacting her. I feel like i should have let go a long time ago to actually make her realise i wasnt going to be there. Im still feeling that the breakup has been a mistake because i think she will change when she gets home in a month!! I had some final closure last night, she said her decision was final, so now i have to retreat...

 

HELP

 

I feel like ive been made to wait here like a mug for 6 months while she has the time of her life abroad. We had plans to move in together when she returned home and she has been really loyal and kind up to now. I know shes finding the breakup easier because shes in the party atmosphere 24/7. while im stuck in my house in dull england with nothing to do except think about what went wrong..

Ive been through the anger and denial phase, and have been stuck in depression phase, ive even seen a doctor because i got that bad one day! Can anyone offer some advice on helping me resolve this? I think ive only just accepted its REALLY over but this happened before and then we spoke again... I just feel like i can NEVER do any better than her, she was actually a model in her career so i cant see myself with anyone as pretty...

 

I need a plan of action to help me remember that i will NEVER have her back and help me move on...Thanks!

Edited September 27, 2011 by thebig-guy

[MIK1000]

Hi, just another breakup story, but different. And i keep hoping she will come back.

 

RELATIONSHIP SUMMARY

Basicallly ive been going with a girl for 1 year now, i met her on holiday and she lives at the other end of the country, we were getting the plane to see each other the first 6 months of the relationship every couple of weeks so things got really intense when together... Then she got offered a job abroad in an entertainment team. I foolishly let her go as i told her i would come out to work there, but never did. We agreed that if we could get through the summer of her working abroad we could get through anything..

 

THE BREAKUP

Well the breakup started about 2 months ago!! I noticed she was crying on the phone alot, she said she needed to see me. She even fell down the stairs abroad and ended up in hospital, she blames the fact that i never wanted to see her a big contributor to why she dumped me.. Anyway, i never went out to see her and just sended gifts instead. I managed to go out twice in 4 months, which i now regret badly.

She became progressively 'heartless' with me on the phone. We would no longer spend 3 hours talking, she would no longer call me after a night out. The contact was reduced to a minumim. She just said she was really busy with work (16 hour days)

It all ended with a bang, i finally went out to see her last week because she was worried about how she felt about us, The whole 3 days i spent with her she was a different person, lack of body contact, talking, sex. She seemed like she had already made her mind up. I left the island in peices expecting the worse

When i got home she told me she didnt want to continue this when she got back and so ended it. I retaliated and deleted her off facebook which turned her aggressive with me. In turn i got even more angry and called her a 'slut' down the phone because i suspected she found someone else... which leads me on..

 

MY SUSPICIONS

I felt as if she had met someone else because some guy had wrote on her facebook wall saying how he was glad to have her in his posession... I blew my cool with this and accused her for days about it. She insists to this day she isnt seeing anyone and swears on her mothers life... Only time will tell if this is true..

 

 

CONCLUSION

Its been over a week now after she told me the bad news but ive still being messaging her, trying to be friendly, then slipping questions in about getting back together but getting shot down. Its now at the point where she hardly replies because shes sick of me contacting her. I feel like i should have let go a long time ago to actually make her realise i wasnt going to be there. Im still feeling that the breakup has been a mistake because i think she will change when she gets home in a month!! I had some final closure last night, she said her decision was final, so now i have to retreat...

 

HELP

 

I feel like ive been made to wait here like a mug for 6 months while she has the time of her life abroad. We had plans to move in together when she returned home and she has been really loyal and kind up to now. I know shes finding the breakup easier because shes in the party atmosphere 24/7. while im stuck in my house in dull england with nothing to do except think about what went wrong..

Ive been through the anger and denial phase, and have been stuck in depression phase, ive even seen a doctor because i got that bad one day! Can anyone offer some advice on helping me resolve this? I think ive only just accepted its REALLY over but this happened before and then we spoke again... I just feel like i can NEVER do any better than her, she was actually a model in her career so i cant see myself with anyone as pretty...

 

I need a plan of action to help me remember that i will NEVER have her back and help me move on...Thanks!

 

 

You're story is very similar to mine. My ex gf of over a year went away to work at a kids camp in america for 3 months this summer. She appeared to be madly in love with me before she left. She got there and told me how much she missed me everyday. Gradually I heard from her less and less, until it descended to only a message every 10 days! I got needy and desperate and sent her a couple of over dramatic drunken text messages and after a facebook argument she said she wanted to end things and they wouldn't work when she got back then a fortnight later she said something had happened between her and another boy from her camp, I deleted her on fb and began grieving, a week later I find out from friends that she is in a relationship with this guy on facebook.

 

She's been home for a couple of weeks and part of me, like you keeps thinking she will come back down to earth and was just caught up in her whole experience over there, then she will realise what a mistake she's made. It's not good to think like that though because it could be false hope so all we can do is move on.

 

Start No contact as soon as you can, pestering her and showing needyness will make you appear incredibly unnattractive to you and feed her ego/drive her away more, not only that but you need NC to heal, because it hurts a lot more when you message her and get a ****ty response.

 

It's hard to take because it's been an unnatural break up, forced upon both of you by the environment both of you were in. That's life though and you only need to accept that.

 

I felt similar to you in the sense that I felt like I would never get a girl nearly as attractive to that again, mine was out of my league looks wise but don't think like that. I'm a good guy, I'm funny and kind/caring and I think girls would be lucky to have me now. Go get yourself some new clothes that are fashionable, start hitting the gym and put yourself back on the market. Once you get into a night club you'll be surprised by how easy it is to get girls, attractive ones at that. At first it will feel strange and you won't want to look or make a move on another girl but eventually it will feel great.

[thebig-guy]

Yes that is very similar!

Ive got the added depression because ive been waiting around for months only to hear it is never going to be the same.. She hasnt admitted seeing someone else but i think its too late to find out now.

 

And i also still think she will come back down to earth when shes back, but your right i cant wait around for this, she even said that to me! She also said it wont sink in till she gets home.

 

Ive pretty much exhausted all false hope, ive forced her into not wanting me back. NC has to start now or im a complete mug, i wish i started last week! :/

 

And i think your right i need to get out alot more, even though i keep comparing other women to her!! Im a DJ so i meet lots of girls but have been very loyal. Im hoping that i will realise that being single will be more ideal for me judging by my age and job..

Edited September 27, 2011 by thebig-guy

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but if I saw something like that on my girls FB page, I would think the same thing too. She was stepping out on you. NOW, yoou need to cut her out of your life for good. She said it herself. NO CHANCE of getting back and her decision is final. Just ensure that you delete her from FB and block her.

 

Stop e-mailing and texting. Don't take phonecalls and don't make phone calls to her. Time to heal and move on, dude.

 

She said her decision is final, so that's EXACTLY what you give her. She made the choice to have you out of her life, so you give it to her 100%. There is no, "let just be friends" I'm sure you didn't get into a relationship with her to only become "just friends".

 

Stay strong!

[thebig-guy]

Starting to get it..

 

Well thats why this breakup has been strung out over a month. She knows im a nice guy so she still wanted to be friends with me. I said i cant do that but buckled and said ok lets be friends.

 

I guess now she thinks im readily available, so shes happy, you guys are right though, friends is wierd and not right.

 

I just feel EXTREMELY stupid for failing at NC and even reducing myself to saying i would still take her shopping even though we were friends...

 

Ive set Friday as my NC target...

[MIK1000]

Yes that is very similar!

Ive got the added depression because ive been waiting around for months only to hear it is never going to be the same.. She hasnt admitted seeing someone else but i think its too late to find out now.

 

And i also still think she will come back down to earth when shes back, but your right i cant wait around for this, she even said that to me! She also said it wont sink in till she gets home.

 

Ive pretty much exhausted all false hope, ive forced her into not wanting me back. NC has to start now or im a complete mug, i wish i started last week! :/

 

And i think your right i need to get out alot more, even though i keep comparing other women to her!! Im a DJ so i meet lots of girls but have been very loyal. Im hoping that i will realise that being single will be more ideal for me judging by my age and job..

 

 

 

Brace yourself for the worst is the best advice I can give you.

 

Orignially when mine broke up with me, she said she wouldn't see anyone else until she got back (she had six weeks left at this point) but for just now there wasn't any point in us being togeather. So I took that as a positive that there was still a good chance of rekindling the flame when she arrived home. I had total faith that she would remain loyal until she was home, and her friends reassured me of that.

 

I messaged her casually over the next 2 weeks and the last message I sent her she told me that something had happened that week between her and the other boy.Ironically it was with the same boy from her camp that I was getting suspicious of weeks earlier because he had liked a few of her old profile photos, among other things.

 

When she told me about him it was a total shock because I honestly didn't believe she was capable of doing something so disloyal and hurtful, had I been half expecting it, it wouldn't have hurt nearly as much and it felt surreal, like it was a nightmare for the first couple of weeks of grieving.

 

 

What age are you by the way and what age is she?

 

Mine was 18, just turned 19 and so it's easy to put what they've done down to immaturity and being easily changed by their environment.

[Chi townD]

Why not start now? I don't think it would be too hard for her as I get the feeling that YOU are the one that has to make contact first.

 

You are a nice guy and she knows it, so she'll cake eat you to death. She gets to have a close friendship with you and the intimate passion with some other guy. How is that fair to you?

 

It's your life, all I can do is give you advice. It's up to you if you want to pull the band-aid off slowly or quickly.

[thebig-guy]

ah ****, well thats the only thing i could hear right now that would make me worse...

 

Im 22 shes 20, although im the immature one, she doesnt argue with me, and makes me look like im being desparate..

 

Ive had a similar breakup to this in the past but not as bad, the girl cheated on me then came begging back for me months later. The thing is i knew she cheated so i totally rocked at the NC. This time though i dont know whats gone on so have been looking desparate for the best part of a week, which has probably burned all bridges forever with her..

 

Good point chi town, I usually have huge motivation, so this band aid has to be ripped off completely.... All my attempts of luring her back in have failed. I need to realise that i deserve better...

Edited September 27, 2011 by thebig-guy

[Chi townD]

BINGO! You do deserve better. And once you realize that there are a ton of girls out there looking for a "nice guy", I don't think you're going to be lonely for too long.

[MIK1000]

ah ****, well thats the only thing i could hear right now that would make me worse...

 

Im 22 shes 20, although im the immature one, she doesnt argue with me, and makes me look like im being desparate..

 

Ive had a similar breakup to this in the past but not as bad, the girl cheated on me then came begging back for me months later. The thing is i knew she cheated so i totally rocked at the NC. This time though i dont know whats gone on so have been looking desparate for the best part of a week, which has probably burned all bridges forever with her..

 

Good point chi town, I usually have huge motivation, so this band aid has to be ripped off completely.... All my attempts of luring her back in have failed. I need to realise that i deserve better...

 

I know it makes you feel worse at the moment but believe me, if it does happen it won't put you into a state of shock like it did with me and will speed up the healing process I think.

 

It's hard because we're both almost living in hope that she will come back, even though we deserve much better.

 

My NC lasted for nearly a month before she texted me while drunk monday of last week, Saying Hi, and asking how I was. I just told I was fine thanks. i thought this could be her starting to regret her actions already and coming down to earth (she had only been home a week!" but then I found out through the grape vine that her new bf was up the following weekend to visit her. Don't know why she bothered texting me because it just put false ideas in my head.

 

So forget what yours says when she messages you, go NC and if she gives you signs of wanting your attention, keep ignoring them because it doesn't mean she wants you back. If she does she will come straight out and tell you but getting caught up by her other meaningless messages will set you way back in the healing process.

 

You haven't burned all bridges yet, it's only been a week of begging, I sent a couple of needy messages after I found out but I started NC after that and I reckon it shocked her that I had no desire to speak to her. Start yours now and you'll recover any dignity you feel you've already lost.

[thebig-guy]

yes! this helps alot. Well my NC started this morning after our skype video call cut off and she never bothered to call me back. one of a thousand other hints shes not interested!

 

I dont think she will come crawling back in a few months because her friends/family wont let her and she doesnt like being rejected. But i think i will get friendly texts every so often. she actually blocked all my facebook accounts because she admitted seeing me move on made her jealous as hell..

 

Not to waffle on, but i think the main issue here is that im hoping for the girl i knew to come back. Shes changed big time since working over there both physically and mentally. She isnt the girl i started seeing a year ago, i need to realise this. She is more independant and doesnt need my constant reassurance (she is very insecure). Also she has lost alot of weight since going over, (now about 50kg!). To be very vaine i would say she is no where near as attractive as before, but im not that shallow for this to bother me, although it does cheer me up

[MIK1000]

yes! this helps alot. Well my NC started this morning after our skype video call cut off and she never bothered to call me back. one of a thousand other hints shes not interested!

 

I dont think she will come crawling back in a few months because her friends/family wont let her and she doesnt like being rejected. But i think i will get friendly texts every so often. she actually blocked all my facebook accounts because she admitted seeing me move on made her jealous as hell..

 

Not to waffle on, but i think the main issue here is that im hoping for the girl i knew to come back. Shes changed big time since working over there both physically and mentally. She isnt the girl i started seeing a year ago, i need to realise this. She is more independant and doesnt need my constant reassurance (she is very insecure). Also she has lost alot of weight since going over, (now about 50kg!). To be very vaine i would say she is no where near as attractive as before, but im not that shallow for this to bother me, although it does cheer me up

 

 

I hoped for the same. Yeah it's funny how they can change just like that. Like I say, maybe it's an age thing that they are so easily influenced. The girl that left to go to america was so caring and considerate about my feelings but after about a month over there she didn't even care enough to message me every other day, saying she didn't have the time (despite the fact that I could see she was on facebook almost every night). She just said she needed me to be supportive rather than caring about the fact that I was miserable as a result of basically being ignored by her. The language and word choice was different too and she said bitchy things like "Whatever" during her arguments, something she had never done before.

 

Whether the change will be permanent or not remains to be seen. They certainly will have changed in some ways. I just thought before she left that it would be for the better, make her more mature and less of a spoiled little girl.

[thebig-guy]

I hoped for the same. Yeah it's funny how they can change just like that. Like I say, maybe it's an age thing that they are so easily influenced. The girl that left to go to america was so caring and considerate about my feelings but after about a month over there she didn't even care enough to message me every other day, saying she didn't have the time (despite the fact that I could see she was on facebook almost every night). She just said she needed me to be supportive rather than caring about the fact that I was miserable as a result of basically being ignored by her. The language and word choice was different too and she said bitchy things like "Whatever" during her arguments, something she had never done before.

 

Whether the change will be permanent or not remains to be seen. They certainly will have changed in some ways. I just thought before she left that it would be for the better, make her more mature and less of a spoiled little girl.

 

You may be right about the age thing, because these girls are still finding their legs, they meet us, find a sense of security and a big future. then forget that they still have a lifes ambition to achieve. In the early days their love makes them blind to their future careers but it crops up in the end..

 

I also notice her vocabulary change bigtime in the dieing days, also her time for me was literally 2 minutes a day. She almost became guilty to speak to me because she knew she was constantly stabbing me with a knife over the phone by telling me about her plans for the future...without me being involved.

 

Sadly i think my ex's change is for good, she has a new career working abroad and has been offered a job next year. I knew this months ago but thought i would be able to change her mind when she got home...

[JohnP82]

Unfortunately guys I don't think age has anything to do with it. It all has to do with the person. Mine acted the same way as your girlfriend and she is 27. She moved away for graduate school 1.5 hours away.

 

She started doing the same thing as your girlfriend. Literally the week after she got there she made it seem as though just speaking to me on the phone was impossible. I'd be lucky to get her on the phone for 5 minutes a day or her answer my texts. Before she moved she would get upset if we didn't speak for an hour a day.

 

I would offer to drive up there to make her dinner while she studied only for her to say that I was a distraction. Later when I would talk to her that night, she would say that her friends came over and they made dinner, or that she didn't have time to talk because some guy was over hanging out. Every time I spoke to her she would always say how busy she was only for me to find out that she made plenty of time for people she just met, but never had any time for me. After nearly a year of dating and knowing each other for over a decade that's the way she acted towards me. I never expected her to act that way.

 

I eventually got sick of this and decided to confront her to which she didn't like, so I broke up with her. The final straw was when I asked if it would be possible to see her once or twice a month and she said that was unreasonable. The lack of desire to see me or talk to me while putting people she just met before me was enough for me to see her true character. I loved her, but I know I deserve better and will find someone so much better it will make me wonder what I ever saw in her. However it hurts like hell now. We broke up a few weeks ago and I'm sure she's already with another dude; no doubt one of the ones who would always be hanging out. But that's life i guess. I haven't spoken to her and I truly have no desire ever to again.

 

We deserve better. I want a girl that can't wait to see or speak to me and so should you.

Edited September 27, 2011 by JohnP82

[thebig-guy]

I agree John, someone who doesnt have time for you doesnt deserve you.

 

Although i cant fault my ex completely, she managed a good 5 months working abroad while still madly in love, but at the end of this is spiralled downwards.

 

In a sense i am happy to blame myself for this whole story, i also became bored with the relationship when she left to work abroad. I ignored her sometimes. Maybe i should have been 100% dedicated. Its over now though and im 99% certain i will never see her again. I just hope she doesnt try being friends with me while im still trying to get over her.

[MIK1000]

Unfortunately guys I don't think age has anything to do with it. It all has to do with the person. Mine acted the same way as your girlfriend and she is 27. She moved away for graduate school 1.5 hours away.

 

She started doing the same thing as your girlfriend. Literally the week after she got there she made it seem as though just speaking to me on the phone was impossible. I'd be lucky to get her on the phone for 5 minutes a day or her answer my texts. Before she moved she would get upset if we didn't speak for an hour a day.

 

I would offer to drive up there to make her dinner while she studied only for her to say that I was a distraction. Later when I would talk to her that night, she would say that her friends came over and they made dinner, or that she didn't have time to talk because some guy was over hanging out. Every time I spoke to her she would always say how busy she was only for me to find out that she made plenty of time for people she just met, but never had any time for me. After nearly a year of dating and knowing each other for over a decade that's the way she acted towards me. I never expected her to act that way.

 

I eventually got sick of this and decided to confront her to which she didn't like, so I broke up with her. The final straw was when I asked if it would be possible to see her once or twice a month and she said that was unreasonable. The lack of desire to see me or talk to me while putting people she just met before me was enough for me to see her true character. I loved her, but I know I deserve better and will find someone so much better it will make me wonder what I ever saw in her. However it hurts like hell now. We broke up a few weeks ago and I'm sure she's already with another dude; no doubt one of the ones who would always be hanging out. But that's life i guess. I haven't spoken to her and I truly have no desire ever to again.

 

We deserve better. I want a girl that can't wait to see or speak to me and so should you.

 

 

Her actions sound very similar to those of my ex. Before she went there she was the sort of girl who would text you all day long, phone you several times a day and just constantly wanted to be in touch, we also saw each other everyday because we lived so close.

 

When she went to the camp, the kids didn't arrive for the first couple of weeks so she had a lot more time on her hands and she was in touch every other day telling me how much she loved and missed me but gradually as she got busier and busier she stopped messaging me and replying to my messages for more than a week at a time, and when she did it was only a short update or asking how i was. I could see she had facebook activity almost every night, but she was interacting with her new camp friends and neglecting contact from friends from back home, not just me. It hurt because she must have known how much it would bother me, and i told her but I guess she was too caught up having a good time to care.

 

Maybe you're right, age might not have anything to do with it. After all, if someone doesn't have enough of a conscience to care about putting someone they love through a lot emotional distress by the time they are approaching their 20's then will they ever learn to?