I've been too possessive with this girl and maybe ruined things. What do i do?

[timmytimmy]

I met this girl a few months ago while traveling around europe. we kept in contact and met up a few more times before she had to go home. she's from brazil and im from ireland. we decided that we really liked each other and that we should keep in contact. after she got home we would talk on fb everyday, usually for a couple of hours and skype as well. this went on for months. we just got on great and had fun.

 

as it happens i was planning a trip to south america with some friends later this year. so i suggested i come and visit her. she was delighted. anyway a few weeks ago i booked. and suddenly everything changed. i felt under huge pressure. i wanted to plan everything and make everything perfect. i also got extremely insecure that she would forget about me. i started hounding her with messages and texts, going crazy if she wouldnt reply or wouldnt skype. i think i just needed some reassurance because this was a big deal for me. she is in the middle of any extremely hectic final year in college and i wasnt giving her any space. i could see i was driving her away. she was clearly getting annoyed with me and became more distant. i just got so stressed and i could see she was stressing too. i turned something that was fun into something horrible.

 

the other night she said she wasnt sure if she felt the same way anymore and maybe meeting up wasnt such a good idea. she said she didnt want me to waste all this money on coming to see her. i can completely understand why. i dont like the person i was becoming either. the thing is that this is really not me. the guy she met and liked is still here. i was always completely myself with her and this is why we got on so well at the start. i just want her to understand this. anyway when she told me all this the other night i explained that i was going to be over there, its all booked and id still really like to meet. i told her i would have no expectations and we should just have some fun together. she agreed to this but im worried things wont be the same. i havent explained all this to her properly yet and havent talked to her since. i just want to give her some space now, something i should have done all along. i feel i have ruined things between us. i know the mistakes i have made and this wont ever be happening again. if it wasnt for the long distance factor it would have never happened in the first place. is there anyway to rectify this. is it possible she can see past this and see the guy she first fell for. she must still have some feeling for the real me. can she give m a second chance

 

i would really appreciate someones input. thanks so much

[earthfireuk]

Hi Timmy,

 

I really feel for you.

 

It sounds like everything was fine until you booked the flights and then its like you began to expect more from her. I had a similar thing a while ago with a girl I was dating. She went travelling in New Zealand and all was fine until I decided to go out there with her. As soon as I booked the flights its like a wave of expectation flowed over me. I expected far too much from her. Its so hard to switch off though.

 

I would say the fact that she has agreed for you to meet her is a good thing. Maybe if you go out there and show her that things are back to how they were when you first met then you will be able to win her over Distance does funny things. In person things may sort them selves out

 

Let me know how you get on.

[timmytimmy]

Thanks for the reply. I just got a bit confused because this was such an unfamiliar situation. Should i try to explain what happened with me or just leave her for now and see what happens when i get there. I know she feels really guilty for not saying something a bit sooner. I basically had to force this information out of her. She said she was hoping the feelings of doubt towards me would go away. I think she was just hoping i would go back to normal because i know i was way out of line.

 

We havent discussed this at all. As soon as she told me this the last week i completely backed off. Just want to give her some breathing room now as i was obviously really smothering her

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i hope you won't feel anxious and panicky when you meet her in person. it is best to explain this to her in person when you are calm and not feeling anxious so you won't push her away.

 

my husband and i actually have somewhat a similar experience in the past. he was coming to meet me in Japan but i didn't know he had plans of proposing to me. he got anxious and scared so he started picking me apart. basically he got scared that when we're finally are together, that i will turn out different. i told him that i cannot do anything about it since i dunno what's his idea of me. if there's something wrong with my actions then he need to tell me what's bothering him or i won't know if it's something i can fix.

 

don't self-sabotage. examine your past relationships if you have been like this too. fix it now or else it will be really hard for you to find a relationship.

[Paper Roses]

Yes! Talk to her and explain what happened. Tell her what you just told us. Tell her you realize you were acting a little insane and that you're sorry for that. If she's into you, she'll feel flattered and happy that you care so much. As long as you actually DO chill out.

 

I think feeling insecure about this relationship is completely normal, but please remember that if this girl really likes you, no matter what is going on in her life, she will NOT forget about you. If she does, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I really wish you luck.

[timmytimmy]

Thanks for the replies. I gave her some space and she came back to me, just with a text. Its a start. We'll see what happens