Is this story true? Question for those who have cheated

[Justin2011]

I'm more-so asking this question to those who have cheated, as I feel those who have been victims (like myself) will probably not believe this story. Below is a story my wife has told me of her one-night stand affair. It's detailed, and I feel she is hiding details, lying about details, or somehow not telling the full truth. I honestly don't seek the details, I only seek truth. I just wish I knew this story was totally true so I can trust my wife. But, after I originally caught her the day after, she told me one story, then two days later she told me a different story. Roughly a month after it happened she finally admitted to having done more (including sex) with this stranger.

 

I wonder what others opinions on this story are.

 

 

After a night of drinking and bar-hoping with a girlfriend, my wife found herself going tagging along to an apartment party shortly after 2am. While there she said she didn't drink anymore (only water). She left the apartment party with her girlfriend and a few new male tag-alongs. They wondered back to her friend's place around 5am. There, at her friend's apartment are 4 people, two male and two female. They are watching TV, but admittedly my wife says it was just her and this dude watching TV as her girlfriend and her **** buddy are somewhere back in the bedroom. She said this dude is laughing and flirting with her, and eventually touches her leg and hits on her. She said she continued talking to him until her friend and her male **** buddy throw my wife and this other dude out saying they are going to sleep. Her girlfriend says to her on her way out "are you going to call your husband for a ride". She leaves and once the apartment door clothes, this dude asks my wife if she wants to go back to his place. Without hesitation my wife agreed. A 5-10 minute walk later they get in this dude's car, and a 10-15 minute drive later they get to his apartment. She can't remember if they talked during the walk/ride, flirted, etc.

 

Once at his apartment she asks for a bottle of water, they both sit down on his sofa and drink. She says maybe they talked for a minute, but she remembers starting to make out with the dude shortly after they sat down. She isn't sure who started it, etc. She says she doesn't remember any physical contact at this point, just "a lot" of making out. At some point, my wife said there was a pause and she told this dude she was married. She claims she doesn't remember what she said, how she said it, or the intent of her saying something. She said she could have said "i can't do this because i'm married - this is wrong", or she could have said it in a flirting/playful way "i'm married, don't tell my husband". She said she either initiated making out again, or he asked if she wanted to continue and she said yes. Either way, they made out more downstairs and then he asked if she "wanted to go upstairs". She agrees and she walks behind him up the stairs to his room.

 

She said shortly after entering his bedroom, they started making out standing up. Then he takes all of his clothes off. She thinks this is when he shuts the bedroom door. He takes her top off, she takes her bra and jeans off herself. She said they made out more standing up then laid in his bed. They made out more in bed and at some point in between making out naked the following events happen (she doesn't remember the order or exact details): He plays with her using his fingers/hands potentially 3 different times, and she gets on top of him and gives him a BJ for no longer than 3 seconds. She explains she went down on him but did not do it longer than 3 seconds because she had dry mouth from being up all day and drinking all night. She said she volunteerly went down on him - that he didn't ask. She said after she stopped the 3-second BJ, she might have showed him her tattoos or started making out again. She explained that after she stopped the 3-second BJ she did not use his hands to give him a HJ, and that he didn't ask.

 

In between all the making out, him using his fingers on her, her 3-second BJ, he asks (she says) a total of 4 times if she wanted to have sex. She said "no" the first 3 times, but eventually when he asks the 4th time that she said "yes". Please keep in mind my wife is not on birth control. So he asked "should I get a condom", she says yes and he clothes back up to go elsewhere in the apartment to get a condom. Upon his return they begin to have intercourse. She said this lasted no longer than 10 minutes. He was on top of her the whole time. She said she doesn't think they kissed or anything while it was happening. She said, she eventually told him to stop. She is not sure what she said, she says she might have told him to stop A. because it was hurting, B. because she didn't want to do it anymore, C. because she was married and it was wrong. She says (just like the married comment earlier) she doesn't remember exactly what she said. So, he asks her how he is suppose to finish, and she told him to do it himself. She tells me that he masturbated on the corner of his bed into the condom. She puts on her bra and underwear and lays in the bed, on top the sheet layer. He comes back in after disposing of the condom or whatever and goes to sleep.

 

She claims she didn't sleep much, and she eventually wakes him to ask where the bathroom was. I sent her a text message at 10:30am the next morning and she doesn't remember if this was before or after she went to the bathroom. She lies in her responses to me about where she is, and sends her girlfriend from earlier some text messages about getting a ride. She asks this dude she slept with for a ride and he brings her to her girlfriends place. He asks for her number, and she doesn't give it out. When he asks if she wants his number, she agrees and puts his number in her cellphone. He tries to kiss her, and said she backed away and didn't kiss. She enters her friend's building, and while waiting to be "buzzed up" she wrote his number on one of her business cards and deleted it out of her phone because she was afraid I'd find it. She eventually makes her way home, showers, and washes her clothes she wore during the affair.

 

 

The parts of the story that are hard for me to believe are as follows:

 

1. The part where she claims she told him she was married, I don't believe this because I feel she would have truly stopped or he wouldn't have continued knowing that he was damaging a marriage.

 

2. The part where she gives him a 3-second BJ. The only foreplay she gives to this dude is only 3-seconds? And he's hard enough after looking for a condom for intercourse? I believe she is trying to minimize her role, it just seems something more would have happened.

 

3. The part where she stops having sex. She originally told me that she stopped him because she was married and didn't want to continue. Then she admitted she doesn't really remember what she said but it was something like that. I don't believe this because I feel if she stopped because she thought it was wrong, she wouldn't have continued to spend the night with him (especially barely clothed in his bed). I feel maybe they stopped because he was getting ready to finish and she was fearful of him finishing inside of her (even with the condom) because she is not on birth control. She explains that she spent the night (sleeping in his bed) because she didn't know what else to do, she said she knew what she had done was wrong and just wanted it to be over (wouldn't you think she would have called me or her friend to get her out of there?)

 

There are probably minor details of the story I am forgetting, but I believe the major points are stated above. She sticks to this story like glue, and I only confront her about the truth behind it because I want to know she's not lying anymore. We both have made the decision to stay married, and honestly I've accepted what she's done. I assume the worst happened, but I just wish she would be honest. Will I ever know if she's honestly telling me the truth about this story?

[walterego]

Remember she was drinking. Her memory will be impaired. Also, her decision making abilities were impaired too.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I sympathize with you because I went through the same thing. I know exactly what you mean when you say you just want the truth, it's not about details, just the truth, so you can START to trust her again.

 

You're a fool if you think a horny guy is gonna stop because a woman says she's married. First, that will turn some guys on. Second, some guys just don't care; they don't know you. Third, maybe she DID say it jokingly...

 

Next, about the dry mouth, and the 3 second bj. My wife is the same way when her mouth is dry. She normally LOVES doing it for me, but if she has a dry mouth / cotton mouth, it's no good and she doesn't like doing it. ... it just doesn't work. If she was drinking all evening ... I can totally understand how her mouth would be dry.

 

Oh and as far as him being hard from a 3 sec bj.... you forgot the part about the making out downstairs, making out in the bedroom, fingering her .... it was more than a short bj.

 

It also makes sense when she says she stayed there until morning because she didn't know what else to do. It sounds like she was sort of shell shocked, stunned, sad, ... not knowing what to do. The guy wasn't a threat, he was asleep and he stopped earlier when she had told him to .... I can see her in my mind right now, sitting on the bed, shell shocked, staring at the wall, hair messed up, not knowing what to do or where to go ... I believe it.

 

 

=====

NOW that THAT is out of the way...

 

1) Why the F was your wife out drinking a) without you and b) all night?!

2) Why the F does your wife (MARRIED) have friends like this bitch she went out with?! My unsolicited opinion is that your wife has **** friends - when your wife got married, THAT sort of all night drinking with the ladies and flirting with guys **** was supposed to STOP.

3) Where the F were you?

4) Do you make it a habit to let your wife out on the town drinking?! wtf?

5) Is it common for her to just go out all night and not come home until morning?! She's not a college student anymore. She's a WIFE.

6) How the F was she dressed when she went out to get drunk around random horny guys?? You ARE a guy right? What do you THINK happens??

 

 

I AM sorry this happened to you. I DO know how twisted and torn up you are. I DO know how frustrating it is not knowing if you have the whole truth and if your wife is being honest with you or keeping secrets.

 

It DOES sound like she's sorry. And, personally, I believe the story. Also, I know this MIGHT not be the case for you, but my wife and I are very happy now (but her cheating happened before marriage) ... but we are very happy, the trust came back for us. It's been maybe 8 years and I DO still have reminders now and then, and I feel hurt sometimes ... not even close to what I used to feel, but .. it gets better .. Again, that is my experience, it may or may not be yours too. that depends on you and her, your feelings for eachother, and whether you can (or should) trust her.

 

I WILL say this one last time: Your wife's friend is a mother ****ing bitch!!!!! (and I still don't get why your wife was going out drinking, without you, and not coming home. ...you think that is normal behavior for a married woman?) your wife's friend sucks. She needs new friends (my opinion) **** that bitch (the friend)

[bosunmate]

Could be she had a little to much to drink and the details are fuzzy to her. No guy is going to stop just because she tells him she married. She for sure has to come clean as she is in the wrong. I'm sorry this has happened to you....

[Untouchable_Fire]

There are probably minor details of the story I am forgetting, but I believe the major points are stated above. She sticks to this story like glue, and I only confront her about the truth behind it because I want to know she's not lying anymore. We both have made the decision to stay married, and honestly I've accepted what she's done. I assume the worst happened, but I just wish she would be honest. Will I ever know if she's honestly telling me the truth about this story?

 

Cheaters always do damage control.

 

How did you catch her?

 

Seriously... why have you decided to stay? This strikes me as a serious issue. I would be out getting a lawyer or buying a gun.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Cheaters will be truthful to the extent of what they think they can get away with. The bits they do tell will be peppered with things to downplay the situation or make it seem negative. She is telling you what she thinks she can get away with telling you without you leaving her. It's the 'boiling frog' thing - start with the lie, turn up the heat and give a partial truth and get you used to that, then turn up the heat again and tell a little more truth, and so on. Pretty soon, after a year of 'trickle truth' you might just well be sitting in a pot of boiling water with the realization that there was more to this than you could have imagined.

 

Whatever the case, you aren't going to get the whole truth for a long time. If she wants to stay with you, she isn't going to tell you how much she enjoyed it, or the exact details of sex with him (that time or any other possible time). She will not tell you how she really feels about him, or anything like that. You are only going to get from her what she thinks you will tolerate and still keep her around. Between her cherry picking what truths to tell you and you cherry picking what to believe, there is a lot of the story you don't know. Cheaters depend on that when they get busted.

 

What to do? If you want to stay with her, you will need to buckle up and prepare for a hard ride. She will need to know that for a while her freedom is nil for now. No more nights out and some serious consideration to having a real, open and honest talk about what made her want to cheat. Trust me. She wanted to cheat, or she wouldn't have. That is the sad fact of the matter. You and she just need to get to the point where she isn't afraid to tell you why, and you will need to get to the point where you can accept that and work with her to make sure it doesn't happen again. Don't try to rebuild on the flimsy foundation you have now. Tear it up and start from scratch.

 

I was a notorious cheating cake eater in my day, and helped more than my fair share of people cheat on the people they were with as well. When I see stuff like this I immediately recognize it for what it is. Trust none of what she is saying until you and she unravel the core issue: why she wanted to cheat. Honestly, the story is just details, symptoms. Put those aside for now, and come back to them when you can treat the illness and the symptoms will take care of themselves.

[Justin2011]

Thank you all who have read and responded to my thread. I truly appreciate your responses and points of view.

 

To answer a few of the questions raised:

 

I was at home waiting for her to text me to pick her up, she rarely goes out with friends (once every 3-4 months) and this was to celebrate her friends' graduation. We exchanged text messages twice through the early morning before she went home with this dude. She had informed me she was going to stay over at her friends'. It is not common for her to go out and not come home, as I mentioned she rarely even just goes out to hang with friends, and very rarely to drink with them. It's possible I gave her too much freedom or too much trust.

 

I caught her by tracking her phones GPS coordinates since I know her password (she knew this). I knew she wasn't at her friend's place when I checked it at 6:30am but I never would have ever guesses she was committing adultery or was even at a guy's place. Leading up to this affair we've had a solid marriage and plenty of trust on both parties. It was a huge surprise. I believe she was also very surprised she did it.

 

Please also understand it has nearly been 4 months since she's confessed the story I've described above, and roughly 5 months since she's done it. I've posted this story as I feel I have not been able to build a ton of trust with her in the time, I still go back to this story in my mind and feel she hasn't came 100% clean. I only wanted the truth so I can accept what's happened, move on, and understand she isn't wanting to hide anything in the future.

 

Thanks again to all of those who read and respond. Your opinions are appreciated.

[Bryanp]

She is in total damage control. I hope both of you have been checked for STD's. I would not believe anything she says. She has totally disrespected you and your marriage. Do you honestly think if the roles were reversed that she would have been so accepting as you have been? I am sorry but her actions show that she has so little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I also have a hunch that she knew she could get away with it which is why she initially had no problem lying to you about her whereabouts. Do you think if she knew that you would automatically divorce her if she cheated on you, that she still would have had sex with this guy? My hunch is that she knew that you would still forgive her which is why she did this. Sorry but I do not believe her story at all and I doubt a condom was used. Why are you so accepting of this behavior. How can you feel special that she is your spouse? You need marriage counseling and also a polygraph to get the real truth. Her story is so self-serving.

[wannabdone]

I think that some cheaters can evidentually come clean. I think its rare for them to do so at first. They want to minimize as much as possible.

 

Is this the first time that she has done anything that you felt wasn't right in your gut?

 

The thing I am having a hard time understanding is how detailed she is on certain things, time frames, how many times things happened, etc. But then is fuzzy on others. Some how that doesn't settle well with me.

 

How have things been in the last few months? Have you gone to C?

 

Do you feel she has been remorseful? Can I ask why it is so important to know each detail? Doesn't that only hurt you in the long run?

[Justin2011]

Thank for the response wannabdone

 

I also have a hard time with how she is very detailed with some things but other more significant things (such as why she supposedly told him to stop) she doesn't remember. I also wanted to point out she stopped drinking 4 hours before she made the decision to go home with him.

 

She has shown the last couple months she is truly sorry, and is working really hard to mend things. I have caught her in a few insignificant fibs here and there and it just doesn't help me rebuild trust. And that is simply why I wish she would come clean with her story. I'm already forced to believe the worst, so why can't she just speak the truth. I just want to trust her again

Edited September 25, 2011 by Justin2011
Typo

[wannabdone]

Thank for the response wannabdone

 

I also have a hard time with how she is very detailed with some things but other more significant things (such as why she supposedly told him to stop) she doesn't remember. I also wanted to point out she stopped drinking 4 hours before she made the decision to go home with him.

 

She has shown the last couple months she is truly sorry, and is working really hard to mend things. I have caught her in a few insignificant fibs here and there and it just doesn't help me rebuild trust. And that is simply why I wish she would come clean with her story. I'm already forced to believe the worst, so why can't she just speak the truth. I just want to trust her again

 

 

No, I caught that on your first post too.... that is plenty of time to sober up, maybe not fully, but enough.

 

Like I said, when my H first confronted me, I gave half truth. I wanted to be honest with him, but guess was just cowardly. It wasn't until about a week later, I sat him down and told him everything. And I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I don't blame you not rebuilding trust, if your gut tells you somethings up...it probably is. And with the insignificat incidents you found....bet they aren't so insignificant now.

 

I don't want to be rude by asking this, but I really want to help anyone who has gone through what I have done. I having done this, I can see when people are true and not. So... you said she is showing that she is truly sorry. May I ask what she is doing?

 

Have you guys started C? Have you spoke with her about what the down deep issue is that she has that got her to do this? Or are you both just still discussing the night at hand?

 

Again, sorry for the questions. just want to give you insight from the other side.

[Emme]

I wonder what others opinions on this story are.

 

 

After a night of drinking and bar-hoping with a girlfriend, my wife found herself going tagging along to an apartment party shortly after 2am. While there she said she didn't drink anymore (only water That's a lie).

 

 

 

She left the apartment party with her girlfriend and a few new male tag-alongs. They wondered back to her friend's place around 5am. There, at her friend's apartment are 4 people, two male and two female. They are watching TV, but admittedly my wife says it was just her and this dude watching TV TRUE as her girlfriend and her **** buddy are somewhere back in the bedroom.

 

 

She said this dude is laughing and flirting with her, and eventually touches her leg and hits on her. She said she continued talking to him until her friend and her male **** buddy throw my wife and this other dude out saying they are going to sleep. LIE

 

 

Her girlfriend says to her on her way out "are you going to call your husband for a ride". She leaves and once the apartment door clothes, this dude asks my wife if she wants to go back to his place. Without hesitation my wife agreed. A 5-10 minute walk later they get in this dude's car, and a 10-15 minute drive later they get to his apartment. She can't remember if they talked during the walk/ride, flirted, etc.

 

Once at his apartment she asks for a bottle of water LIE, they both sit down on his sofa and drink. She says maybe they talked for a minute, but she remembers starting to make out with the dude shortly after they sat down. She isn't sure who started it, etc. She says she doesn't remember any physical contact at this point, just "a lot" of making out. At some point, my wife said there was a pause and she told this dude she was married. She claims she doesn't remember what she said, how she said it, or the intent of her saying something. She said she could have said "i can't do this because i'm married - this is wrong" LIE, or she could have said it in a flirting/playful way "i'm married, don't tell my husband". She said she either initiated making out again, or he asked if she wanted to continue and she said yes. Either way, they made out more downstairs and then he asked if she "wanted to go upstairs". She agrees and she walks behind him up the stairs to his room.

 

She said shortly after entering his bedroom, they started making out standing up. Then he takes all of his clothes off. She thinks this is when he shuts the bedroom door. He takes her top off, she takes her bra and jeans off herself. She said they made out more standing up then laid in his bed. They made out more in bed and at some point in between making out naked the following events happen (she doesn't remember the order or exact details): He plays with her using his fingers/hands potentially 3 different times, and she gets on top of him and gives him a BJ for no longer than 3 seconds. She explains she went down on him but did not do it longer than 3 seconds because she had dry mouth from being up all day and drinking all night. She said she volunteerly went down on him - that he didn't ask. She said after she stopped the 3-second BJ, she might have showed him her tattoos or started making out again. She explained that after she stopped the 3-second BJ she did not use his hands to give him a HJ, and that he didn't ask.

 

Now you see all that I have underlined... It's too specific. Women by nature are story tellers but when you can't recall a simple conversation in an apartment or car but can recall the acts that occurred during sex your lying. Too much detail for someone who was intoxicated. She wasn't drinking water and if she was she'd be running to the bathroom like crazy. Too much water in her story.

 

 

In between all the making out, him using his fingers on her, her 3-second BJ, he asks (she says) a total of 4 times if she wanted to have sex. She said "no" the first 3 times, but eventually when he asks the 4th time that she said "yes". Please keep in mind my wife is not on birth control. So he asked "should I get a condom", she says yes and he clothes back up to go elsewhere in the apartment to get a condom. Upon his return they begin to have intercourse. She said this lasted no longer than 10 minutes. He was on top of her the whole time. She said she doesn't think they kissed or anything while it was happening. She said, she eventually told him to stop. She is not sure what she said, she says she might have told him to stop A. because it was hurting, B. because she didn't want to do it anymore, C. because she was married and it was wrong. She says (just like the married comment earlier) she doesn't remember exactly what she said. So, he asks her how he is suppose to finish, and she told him to do it himself. She tells me that he masturbated on the corner of his bed into the condom. She puts on her bra and underwear and lays in the bed, on top the sheet layer. He comes back in after disposing of the condom or whatever and goes to sleep.

 

She claims she didn't sleep much, and she eventually wakes him to ask where the bathroom was. (She should have needed a bathroom a long time ago) I sent her a text message at 10:30am the next morning and she doesn't remember if this was before or after she went to the bathroom. She lies in her responses to me about where she is, and sends her girlfriend from earlier some text messages about getting a ride. She asks this dude she slept with for a ride and he brings her to her girlfriends place. He asks for her number, and she doesn't give it out. When he asks if she wants his number, she agrees and puts his number in her cellphone. He tries to kiss her, and said she backed away and didn't kiss. She enters her friend's building, and while waiting to be "buzzed up" she wrote his number on one of her business cards and deleted it out of her phone because she was afraid I'd find it. She eventually makes her way home, showers, and washes her clothes she wore during the affair.

 

 

 

Now let me tell you what I think happened. What happened was your wife's "friend" set her up with some d*ck. They went out that night and her friends f*ckbuddy brought along his buddy. His buddy said are you sure I can get some from her and he told him yes. They all got drink they all went back to the "friends" house.

 

First scenario, your wife had sex all night in the living room while her friend was in the bedroom with her f*ckbuddy.

 

Second scenario they had a foursome.

 

Either way she cheated. Hope this helps you see what's the truth and what's a lie

[Bryanp]

You need to have her take a polygraph. It costs 400 to 500 dollars. You know she is not telling you the truth. Sometimes just the threat of a polygraph will make the cheating spouse tell the truth. I think you need to reread Emme post. I agree it is probably one of those two scenarios. You need to get tested for STD's. You can guarantee that there is most to this then she is telling you. The fact that she stopped drinking 4 hours before really indicates that she knew exactly what she was doing. Sorry but I really think she is playing you for a fool.

[2011aug]

Is there such a thing as a 3-second bj?

 

Your wife is lying and is not ready to tell you the truth. That's bad for you since you are now continuously doubting your wife. She broke your trust and faith in her.

 

She has a lot work to do if your marriage is to survive (assuming that's what you want). She's 100% to blame here so you should not take any blame for her decision to break your marriage. Hopefully you can see this. If you are able to accept this, then it'll be easier for you to decide what you really want for yourself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I caught her by tracking her phones GPS coordinates since I know her password (she knew this). I knew she wasn't at her friend's place when I checked it at 6:30am but I never would have ever guesses she was committing adultery or was even at a guy's place. Leading up to this affair we've had a solid marriage and plenty of trust on both parties. It was a huge surprise. I believe she was also very surprised she did it.

 

Please also understand it has nearly been 4 months since she's confessed the story I've described above, and roughly 5 months since she's done it. I've posted this story as I feel I have not been able to build a ton of trust with her in the time, I still go back to this story in my mind and feel she hasn't came 100% clean. I only wanted the truth so I can accept what's happened, move on, and understand she isn't wanting to hide anything in the future.

 

How on earth did you use the cell phone GPS to track her? As far as I know you have to install software in advance to do that.

 

Have you gone through cell phone records to check if your wife had contact with this guy previously? I would go back up to 2 years through cell phone bills and look for his number. Parts of her story don't add up to me.

 

She had ample time and opportunity to not cheat, yet did so anyway. Plus you had to catch her before finding the truth.

 

Basically... why do you want to stay with her? You don't feel like you can trust her... I would feel the same. So 5 months later... why are you still trying to fix things?

[wannabdone]

How on earth did you use the cell phone GPS to track her? As far as I know you have to install software in advance to do that.

 

Have you gone through cell phone records to check if your wife had contact with this guy previously? I would go back up to 2 years through cell phone bills and look for his number. Parts of her story don't add up to me.

 

She had ample time and opportunity to not cheat, yet did so anyway. Plus you had to catch her before finding the truth.

 

Basically... why do you want to stay with her? You don't feel like you can trust her... I would feel the same. So 5 months later... why are you still trying to fix things?

 

 

For Iphones it comes on them. You can log on to mobile me and find where the phone is. Just fyi.

[worldover98]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's fling. But at the same time it reveals an honesty and weakness about our humanity. We need to get real that this stuff will happen to the end of time. The thing we must ask ourselves is, can I forgive as someone might forgive me. A one night fling is not the same as a premeditated ongoing tryst. For your wife to confess what she did speaks volumes. She loves you, she flinged "him". We need to stop this old fashion couple proprietary body possession stuff. It should also be a wake-up call to you that maybe you two need to do more to stay in each others arms.

 

Get over it, stay together, Forgive, and move on!

[alwaysangry]

I came here for advice so I feel kind of silly posting in this thread. But even I have to say that a 3 second BJ sounds TOTALLY bogus! That would be my first indication that she was in denial/damage control.

 

Second, if she had told him to stop and MEANT it, she would have had him drive her home or back to her friends right away. Instead, she stayed there ALL night long?! When I was single I usually went 3-6 months between sex partners. So when I did find someone to spend the night with, even if I was drunk, it lasted a lot longer then 10 minutes. Maybe not continuously, but spread over the course of the night.

 

I'm not going to call her a liar, but I would certainly question her a LOT more!

[sadcalifornian]

I don't buy this story at all. It sounds like extremely minimized version of what really happened. Unless the OM has a very low libido, things must have been much more x-rated than that. And, the fact that your wife thought her alibi will be covered by claiming staying at her friend's house, she had no reason to be so "reserved" while doing it. I personally think Emme's interpretation to be the most valid.

 

She knew exactly what she was going to do that night with him, and she did it wholeheartedly and it must have been a pretty wild sexcapade throughout the night and some in the morning too. The question I have is did she know to meet the guy before going to the party or was it unannounced to her previously? My suspicion is that her GF must have at least hinted her that she was going to bring along another guy for her, and she accepted it.

 

So, another question is, is this her first time of such ONS? It's hard to believe a faithfully married woman suddenly do this kind of things. There is this casualness to the whole event that bothers me a lot. It's as though she has done this several times before in your marriage. You said she has this Girls' night out once every 3-4months. I would seriously look into the possibility she has done this in the previous occasions of staying out at her girl friends.

 

You have a lot of digging into here, and I would strongly recommend polygraph in this case. Sorry for the bad news.

[Justin2011]

The question I have is did she know to meet the guy before going to the party or was it unannounced to her previously? My suspicion is that her GF must have at least hinted her that she was going to bring along another guy for her, and she accepted it.

 

This is a question I have wondered for quite a while as well. I did discover the other male that hooked up with my wife's friend was married. So there were two affairs going down that night, at two different locations. That makes me wonder if the married dude was trying to get the chick he hooked up with to secure a deal with his buddy. It's complex, I know...

 

But at any rate, I don't think the other wife of the married dude knows what he did. Should I just ignore? Or help out?

[RainDown]

As one who has cheated, and been caught, more than once I have to tell you that I don't believe her story. Whenever I was confronted, telling the truth was not an option I pursued, which is pretty common among other cheaters I know. My main goal when confronted was basic damage control. I told the least amount of truth necessary to get me out of the jam, omitted details, fudged other details, and outright lied about other details.

 

This was all many years ago, but in really thinking about it, I don't believe I ever told my partner the complete unvarnished truth or details about any of those events, no matter how many times I was asked about it. I have been truthful about my past behavior to close friends and other confidants, but never to the person I actually cheated on.

 

You wife may be different, I don't know. As a group though, we cheaters are also liars, unfortunately.

[seibert253]

If you absolutely need the truth, then a polygraph is the best $500 bucks you'll ever spend.

 

Tell her you do not believe her, and taking a polygraph will put those fears to rest. Let her know in order for you to heal from this, you need 100% honesty about what happened.

 

If she's telling the truth and will do whatever it takes to fix this, she'll take one. If she refuses or is uncertain, then you know she's not being forthwit in the truth.

[mysteriousbox]

If you want to see if she's sincere and wants to repair the relationship tell she has to dump her gf and never speak to her again.

 

As for the affair, she's telling she spent just sat around watching tv while her gf f*** some guy and then spur of the moment decides go home and sleep with him? Sounds far to meditated to be that simple.

[sadcalifornian]

This is a question I have wondered for quite a while as well. I did discover the other male that hooked up with my wife's friend was married. So there were two affairs going down that night, at two different locations. That makes me wonder if the married dude was trying to get the chick he hooked up with to secure a deal with his buddy. It's complex, I know...

 

But at any rate, I don't think the other wife of the married dude knows what he did. Should I just ignore? Or help out?

 

The general rule of dealing with A is to expose, expose, and expose. This GF of your W has been at least encouraging your W with this series(this is my suspicion) of ONS on Girls's Night Outs. You have every right to be vindictive toward the GF's OM, as he brought his buddy to **** your W knowing she is a married woman. Do you know his whereabout? If you can somehow contact the BW of the GF's OM, there is a chance she can help you learn more truth about the whole As involving your W as well. At this point, anything is possible that this may not be the first time these 4 people got hooked up together; after all most of the info so far is from your WW's mouth, right? You cannot believe anything at this point.

 

Sadly, this is very common among women as one who already has A decide to coax her friends to join the club so that they can share this secret life together. We hardly hear men do this sort of things, but with women this tendancy is very common. So, expose this A to all the ones affected by any means!

 

As for your W, don't accept the pathetically minimized version of what went on that night. Demand Polygraph! Just by demanding it and observing her reaction, you can see how much more she is hiding. One of the reasons people shun polygraph is the money, which should run around $500. But, think about how much D costs. $500 is nothing considering the magnitude of possible outcome in this.

 

Even if you want R, you must take action to reveal the truth with everything you got. Any pretention of remorse without fully admiting the truth is only deceiful remorse at best. You cannot trust her tears and cries, let alone her words at this point. You must know what monster of W you are dealing with even if you want to forgive at some point. I have a gut feeling this is not the first time at all. I am sorry to give you such disturbing opiniion on this, but in dealing with A, seeking the truth is the very first step that you cannot skip over. Wish you the best of luck.

[Sto]

Hi Justin2011,

 

When I read your story I just can’t believe the similarity of the way you feel with the way I feel about the importance of knowing the truth about what happened. Right now I am in same situation as yours. After having an affair my wife confessed. She gave details to some extend and I have doubts that she is still hiding something from me. Same as you I do not care about what exactly happened in terms of actions but I want to know whether she is still hiding something. I love her no matter what she did with the other man and what she did is not the concern I have. My concern is to rebuild the trust that I had and in order to even start rebuilding I need to know that she is absolutely honest to me at this point. I can’t start to build if I am not 100%sure in her honesty. Right now there is nothing more important to me than rebuilding the trust that I lost. But since there is no way to be sure if she is telling me the truth so far this is impossible to happen (at least at thestage I am in now).

 

The only tool to prove her version that I can think of is the polygraph examination. She agreed to take the test once but at the time she agreed she did not know that the polygraph services are available for private investigations of this sort so I doubt that she bluffed me then. When I found local examiner and I told her she started to make me believe that this is for criminals only and not for people who love each other and she does not feel very comfortable going there and sharing her stories with the examiner and that the polygraph is not 100% accurate, etc. She still says that if I insist she will do it since she has nothing to hide but she may hate me after that. I am really afraid to add fighting her hate to all the issues that we already have to fight with so I am uncertain whether to insist for the examination

 

My question to you is what did you decide about the polygraph and how your wife reacted?

 

About you wife’s story I believe that she is mostly telling you the truth. I thing so because she confessed most of the possible “things”that could happen. I am thinking that if she admits intercourse and BJ than there is not much left to hide. These two actions are probably the hardest to confess. If she’s gone so far, then I believe she found enough strength to overcome shame, guilt and the desire not to hurt you.

 

Same as you I was asking and asking my wife again and again and in the beginning every time she disclosed some new actions and details but it all came to a point where she said that there is nothing more to say. I perfectly know how you feel as I am in the same boat

Edited November 9, 2011 by Sto

[Bryanp]

To STO,

 

She is bluffing and clearly trying to manipulate you into not forcing her to take the polygraph. How can you be so blind to this? It is so obvious. The fact that she is saying it is not 100% accurate clearly means that she knows she will not pass. Sorry but she is still making you look like a fool to believe her story.