Should I stay or should I go?

[Yianks]

A started a year and a half ago. She is a MW of almost four years with no kids, myself divorced with one son. We work together unfortunately.

 

During the A period we had arguments, fights, disbeliefs, tears, walkaways from my side and, of course, intense love/erotic feelings. I have decided to end it seven weeks ago, the longest so far, as it got to the point where the trust issues (from both sides) were so serious that I couldn’t see her leaving her H. When I told her that she should continue her life without me she cried, she got upset, she threatened me that she will have a child with her H but she never contacted me afterwards although her Facebook behavior during the NC indicated a confused person being in pain at one time and uploading pictures of her recent vacations with her H, at another.

 

During this time I was in tremendous pain and have done alot of thinking mainly questioning my feelings. I believe that after 7 weeks of NC a person is in a good position to judge if it was just a ‘teenager affair’or a deep love. Yesterday I decided to break my silence with an email stating how painful the pretending was, that we will never be happy pretending for the rest of our lives, that we end up hurting each other but at the end it’s ourselves that suffer. She did not reply so far and dont know if she ever will.

 

So the question is, should I continue showing her how much I love her and want to be with her or should I leave it as it is and wish her all the best?

Edited September 24, 2011 by Yianks

[january2011]

If I received that email, I'd read it that you were breaking up with me and that you were too afraid to say it to my face, thus the silence.

[Yianks]

If I received that email, I'd read it that you were breaking up with me and that you were too afraid to say it to my face, thus the silence.

 

Thank you for the new perspective. I tried to show true emotions after 7 weeks of NC. Part of my email said 'to deny and fight what we feel, to tortue ourselves in another life that doesnt belong to us, yes we pretend. To convince ourselves that what we have experienced was nothing more than a mere excitment, yes we pretend'.

 

But i guess, you are right, a hurtful woman might always read it differently that a man would.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe if her husband read it, he could give his perspective too.

[seren]

I got as far as the, she threatened to have a child with her H and thought, what a bloody awful person this sounds and the poor child. Threatened to have a child?? WTF is that all about, I should run for the hills, fast.

[eleanor01]

I got as far as the, she threatened to have a child with her H and thought, what a bloody awful person this sounds and the poor child. Threatened to have a child?? WTF is that all about, I should run for the hills, fast.

 

I had the same reaction as Seren. Threatening to have a child? That's one twisted and sick threat, in my opinion.

 

That one threat would probably be enough for me, personally, to go NC forever. It would also be freeing because I would be so relieved that I saw her true colors sooner rather than later. In an odd way, her threat may have been a gift to you.

 

Take care of yourself.

Ellie

[Yianks]

I got as far as the, she threatened to have a child with her H and thought, what a bloody awful person this sounds and the poor child. Threatened to have a child?? WTF is that all about, I should run for the hills, fast.

 

I just hope it was the hurt doing all this awful talk. I guess us people just pay the price for our wrongdoings by being in so much pain.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Yianks

[bentnotbroken]

I got as far as the, she threatened to have a child with her H and thought, what a bloody awful person this sounds and the poor child. Threatened to have a child?? WTF is that all about, I should run for the hills, fast.

 

 

Sounds like someone who would use a child like that is a bit off the beam.

[East7]

So the question is, should I continue showing her how much I love her and want to be with her or should I leave it as it is and wish her all the best?

 

Welcome to LS.

 

I am one of a few former OM here who can give you some clear judgment about this kind of situation.

 

There is no use telling her how much you love her. She knows that.

 

The length of the A and the fact she has no children shows that she is NOT going to move out. Your guts haven't proved you wrong.

 

She is probably just using you as an emotional outlet for her marriage problems with no intention to have a relationship with you.

 

Apparently there are no "valid" reasons she is still staying, except if she loves her H more than you..sorry to say that. After 1.5 years you have nothing to hope for. What kind of trust can you have on a woman who tells you how much she loves you and then still goes at bed with H every night

 

She is using you and her threats are so pathetic. She is giving you crumbs but she doesn't want you to go. She doesn't care about your feelings, it is all about her.

 

You need to block her on FB, it will do nothing good to see what's going on in her life. Tell her good luck with everything and now you want her out of your life ! Then keep strict NC. It takes a lot of strength but it will be a salvation.

Edited September 24, 2011 by East7

[Yianks]

Welcome to LS.

 

I am one of a few former OM here who can give you some clear judgment about this kind of situation.

 

There is no use telling her how much you love her. She knows that.

 

The length of the A and the fact she has no children shows that she is NOT going to move out. Your guts haven't proved you wrong.

 

She is probably just using you as an emotional outlet for her marriage problems with no intention to have a relationship with you.

 

Apparently there are no "valid" reasons she is still staying, except if she loves her H more than you..sorry to say that. After 1.5 years you have nothing to hope for. What kind of trust can you have on a woman who tells you how much she loves you and then still goes at bed with H every night

 

She is using you and her threats are so pathetic. She is giving you crumbs but she doesn't want you to go. She doesn't care about your feelings, it is all about her.

 

You need to block her on FB, it will do nothing good to see what's going on in her life. Tell her good luck with everything and now you want her out of your life ! Then keep strict NC. It takes a lot of strength but it will be a salvation.

 

Thank you East 7. Your perspective is very valuable since you were an OM as myself. No one wants to get caught between lies as actions speak stronger than words.

 

I believed that after 7 weeks of NC a person with true in love feelings would have grabbed the opportunity that she was given. Perhaps I was wrong again believing that this NC period would have changed her intentions.

[whichwayisup]

She is using you and her threats are so pathetic. She is giving you crumbs but she doesn't want you to go. She doesn't care about your feelings, it is all about her.

 

Yup, completely agree.

 

The threats are immature and uncalled for, a way for her to try to control you and the situation.

 

She only cares about herself, the proof is in the pudding so to speak!

 

Try to grieve the loss and let go so you can begin your healing process.

[MissBee]

A started a year and a half ago. She is a MW of almost four years with no kids, myself divorced with one son. We work together unfortunately.

 

During the A period we had arguments, fights, disbeliefs, tears, walkaways from my side and, of course, intense love/erotic feelings. I have decided to end it seven weeks ago, the longest so far, as it got to the point where the trust issues (from both sides) were so serious that I couldn’t see her leaving her H. When I told her that she should continue her life without me she cried, she got upset, she threatened me that she will have a child with her H but she never contacted me afterwards although her Facebook behavior during the NC indicated a confused person being in pain at one time and uploading pictures of her recent vacations with her H, at another.

 

During this time I was in tremendous pain and have done alot of thinking mainly questioning my feelings. I believe that after 7 weeks of NC a person is in a good position to judge if it was just a ‘teenager affair’or a deep love. Yesterday I decided to break my silence with an email stating how painful the pretending was, that we will never be happy pretending for the rest of our lives, that we end up hurting each other but at the end it’s ourselves that suffer. She did not reply so far and dont know if she ever will.

 

So the question is, should I continue showing her how much I love her and want to be with her or should I leave it as it is and wish her all the best?

 

 

Hi Yianks,

 

I have to say that I was a bit confused by your idea of NC. You said you were in NC but were still looking at her Facebook and pretty much looking at her life and making assumptions about how she felt and what she's doing with her husband....

 

You said that after 7 weeks of NC you should know if it was deep love or a teenaged love affair...and after 7 weeks, in which you were still looking at her life via FB, you sent her a message saying you will never be happy together and you can't pretend...but now you're asking if you should continue to try to show your love for her.

 

It's a bit confusing Having done NC myself before with a difficult breakup, I will tell you that your confusion is normal. The thing is, 7 weeks of NC doesn't mean magically you're "cured" and you are now unbiased and can see the truth. It took me MONTHS AND MONTHS of NC (sprinkled with breaking NC, like you did), and more than a year to see the truth. There is no set time but 7 weeks is premature IMO and most people take a lot longer to come out on the other side with clarity. If you read stories here, you'll see. After 7 weeks of NC I still didn't know up from down, most people don't. Most people arrive at the conclusion after 7 weeks that this is the love of their life and they need them back....7 weeks is a small drop in the larger bucket of clarity and trust me, the waters are usually still very murky after 7 weeks.

 

NC is for clarity and often to move on from a relationship and detach. Whether a relationship is good or bad, has a future or not, the point is that we get attached and detaching hurts! That process is truly like a detox, where regardless of if this person is good for you, it hurts like hell to detach from them. You've realized that you can't be together, the relationship is not built on good grounds, she's doing stuff like threatening to get pregnant...it's really a mess and I think that you've got NC confused into being something in which you leave her alone for a time (but continue keeping tabs on her) then hopefully she comes to her senses, or you "take a break" from this person and then resurface and start back up. That's not NC or defeats the entire purpose.

 

I think you need more time....btw, after 7 weeks, you emailed saying things can't work...you said it was enough time to know and if after 7 weeks you emailed saying it cannot work, then shouldn't that be the "clear answer", so it doesn't make sense that you're saying it can't work but wanting to continue "showing her your love". Just pointing out the "crazy post-break-up non-logic" Trust me, I've been there so I know how crazy things can get and how we can do things that really make no sense...but again, that alone shows you need more time and you need to really decide to follow your true feelings that it can't work and be determined to heal versus get back together.

Edited September 24, 2011 by MissBee

[wannabdone]

I got as far as the, she threatened to have a child with her H and thought, what a bloody awful person this sounds and the poor child. Threatened to have a child?? WTF is that all about, I should run for the hills, fast.

 

 

THIS!!!! She is playing too many games!!! Also, just fyi.... women are smart enough to play their FB up the way they want. Do you not think that her posts and pics were not specifically put there in order to strike your attention and to contact her?

 

Did you D because of this MW? Or where you already D?

 

Coming from a FMW that had an A..... if a W wants something....trust me...they get it. And will do anything to get it. As you have seen with her threats of having a child or her FB posts. IMO, W more than M handle issues head on a figure things out. (sorry guys....just MO ) If we see a pair of shoes we have to have we will go home from the store and figure out how we will own them asap. And thats just for shoes... what do you think we will do for love??? That is the BIGGEST thing that women want and crave. The only thing I see that she is feveriously working towards is for you to contact her. So she can continue to be M and have you as well. If not, in this 7 wk time frame, you would have gotten an email or something from her proclaiming her love and she will leave. Remember a lot of time W can act like spoiled 4 year olds. Trying any angle they can to get what they want. Thats what I see her "sad posts" on FB then her "happy pics with her H".....just trying different angles.

 

If you want her to leave...... leave her alone. If she really has the intentions of leaving....THAT is the only thing that will get her to. You essentially are helping her stay M. Giving her what she needs to be able to live her life with her H.

[East7]

I believed that after 7 weeks of NC a person with true in love feelings would have grabbed the opportunity that she was given. Perhaps I was wrong again believing that this NC period would have changed her intentions.

 

NC is not a magic solution to make her 'realize" her love for you and pack up and go. It would be too easy.

 

She is probably in pain but that doesn't change anything. She has chosen to stay. She is simply going through the loss of her lover, it is a selfish pain, she is sorry about herself, not about you!

 

I am curious to know what are the excuses she gave you as she has no children (which is the classic easy excuse).

[alexandria35]

Welcome to LS.

 

I am one of a few former OM here who can give you some clear judgment about this kind of situation.

 

There is no use telling her how much you love her. She knows that.

 

The length of the A and the fact she has no children shows that she is NOT going to move out. Your guts haven't proved you wrong.

 

She is probably just using you as an emotional outlet for her marriage problems with no intention to have a relationship with you.

 

Apparently there are no "valid" reasons she is still staying, except if she loves her H more than you..sorry to say that. After 1.5 years you have nothing to hope for. What kind of trust can you have on a woman who tells you how much she loves you and then still goes at bed with H every night

 

She is using you and her threats are so pathetic. She is giving you crumbs but she doesn't want you to go. She doesn't care about your feelings, it is all about her.

 

You need to block her on FB, it will do nothing good to see what's going on in her life. Tell her good luck with everything and now you want her out of your life ! Then keep strict NC. It takes a lot of strength but it will be a salvation.

 

Totally agree with East on this one. This woman doesn't even have the "I have to stay for my children" excuse to fall back on. If she is so deeply in love with you and in such tremendous pain at losing you then why is she going on vacation with her husband. She probably really liked that drama angst filled email you sent her. It let her know that while she's off vacationing with the husband you were sitting in pain thinking of her. Bet that gave her an ego boost. She isn't leaving her husband. She wants both of you because she is selfish and thinking only of what is good for her, she doesn't care if she hurts you or her husband, it's all about what makes her happy. She threatened to have a baby with her husband if you stopped seeing her? Okay I know you think that was just some dumb thing she said because she was hurt, but seriously, normal adults do not express themselves that way. So many people in affairs sound immature and emotionally stunted.

[East7]

Coming from a FMW that had an A..... if a W wants something....trust me...they get it. And will do anything to get it. As you have seen with her threats of having a child or her FB posts. IMO, W more than M handle issues head on a figure things out. (sorry guys....just MO ) If we see a pair of shoes we have to have we will go home from the store and figure out how we will own them asap. And thats just for shoes... what do you think we will do for love??? That is the BIGGEST thing that women want and crave. The only thing I see that she is feveriously working towards is for you to contact her. So she can continue to be M and have you as well. If not, in this 7 wk time frame, you would have gotten an email or something from her proclaiming her love and she will leave. Remember a lot of time W can act like spoiled 4 year olds. Trying any angle they can to get what they want. Thats what I see her "sad posts" on FB then her "happy pics with her H".....just trying different angles.

 

:laugh: This is awesome. Love it !

[Yianks]

THIS!!!! She is playing too many games!!! Also, just fyi.... women are smart enough to play their FB up the way they want. Do you not think that her posts and pics were not specifically put there in order to strike your attention and to contact her?

 

Did you D because of this MW? Or where you already D?

 

Coming from a FMW that had an A..... if a W wants something....trust me...they get it. And will do anything to get it. As you have seen with her threats of having a child or her FB posts. IMO, W more than M handle issues head on a figure things out. (sorry guys....just MO ) If we see a pair of shoes we have to have we will go home from the store and figure out how we will own them asap. And thats just for shoes... what do you think we will do for love??? That is the BIGGEST thing that women want and crave. The only thing I see that she is feveriously working towards is for you to contact her. So she can continue to be M and have you as well. If not, in this 7 wk time frame, you would have gotten an email or something from her proclaiming her love and she will leave. Remember a lot of time W can act like spoiled 4 year olds. Trying any angle they can to get what they want. Thats what I see her "sad posts" on FB then her "happy pics with her H".....just trying different angles.

 

If you want her to leave...... leave her alone. If she really has the intentions of leaving....THAT is the only thing that will get her to. You essentially are helping her stay M. Giving her what she needs to be able to live her life with her H.

 

Couldnt agree more with your post. Have in mind however than us men when we really want something we can always find the way to get it. We are just more forward than women and thats a disadvantage! Being an OM for a year and a half the time comes that enough is enough.

 

She will never get what she wants which is having both the H and the OM. The NC should tell her that. However, sometimes the feelings should be expressed as an indication that everything possible was done but she chooses to stay with her H.

[Yianks]

NC is not a magic solution to make her 'realize" her love for you and pack up and go. It would be too easy.

 

She is probably in pain but that doesn't change anything. She has chosen to stay. She is simply going through the loss of her lover, it is a selfish pain, she is sorry about herself, not about you!

 

I am curious to know what are the excuses she gave you as she has no children (which is the classic easy excuse).

 

Too many fights, too many arguments, too many walk-offs (from my side). She proclaimed that feels insecure with me to leave her H.

 

I guess people often think if they have done all that is to be done to show to the other person that they should trust them. I guess I am one of them. Hence the email after 7 weeks of NC.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Yianks

[MissBee]

A started a year and a half ago. She is a MW of almost four years with no kids, myself divorced with one son. We work together unfortunately.

 

During the A period we had arguments, fights, disbeliefs, tears, walkaways from my side and, of course, intense love/erotic feelings. I have decided to end it seven weeks ago, the longest so far, as it got to the point where the trust issues (from both sides) were so serious that I couldn’t see her leaving her H. When I told her that she should continue her life without me she cried, she got upset, she threatened me that she will have a child with her H but she never contacted me afterwards although her Facebook behavior during the NC indicated a confused person being in pain at one time and uploading pictures of her recent vacations with her H, at another.

 

During this time I was in tremendous pain and have done alot of thinking mainly questioning my feelings. I believe that after 7 weeks of NC a person is in a good position to judge if it was just a ‘teenager affair’or a deep love. Yesterday I decided to break my silence with an email stating how painful the pretending was, that we will never be happy pretending for the rest of our lives, that we end up hurting each other but at the end it’s ourselves that suffer. She did not reply so far and dont know if she ever will.

 

So the question is, should I continue showing her how much I love her and want to be with her or should I leave it as it is and wish her all the best?

 

 

Hi Yianks,

 

I have to say that I was a bit confused by your idea of NC. You said you were in NC but were still looking at her Facebook and pretty much looking at her life and making assumptions about how she felt and what she's doing with her husband....

 

You said that after 7 weeks of NC you should know if it was deep love or a teenaged love affair...and after 7 weeks, in which you were still looking at her life via FB, you sent her a message saying you will never be happy together and you can't pretend...but now you're asking if you should continue to try to show your love for her.

 

It's a bit confusing Having done NC myself before with a difficult breakup, I will tell you that your confusion is normal. The thing is, 7 weeks of NC doesn't mean magically you're "cured" and you are now unbiased and can see the truth. It took me MONTHS AND MONTHS of NC (sprinkled with breaking NC, like you did), and more than a year to see the truth. There is no set time but 7 weeks is premature IMO and most people take a lot longer to come out on the other side with clarity. If you read stories here, you'll see.

 

NC is for clarity and often to move on from a relationship and detach. Whether a relationship is good or bad, has a future or not, the point is that we get attached and detaching hurts! That process is truly like a detox, where regardless of if this person is good for you, it hurts like hell to detach from them. You've realized that you can't be together, the relationship is not built on good grounds, she's doing stuff like threatening to get pregnant...it's really a mess and I think that you've got NC confused into being something in which you leave her alone for a time (but continue keeping tabs on her) then hopefully she comes to her senses, or you "take a break" from this person and then resurface and start back up. That's not NC or defeats the entire purpose.

 

I think you need more time....btw, after 7 weeks, you emailed saying things can't work...you said it was enough time to know and if after 7 weeks you emailed saying it cannot work, then shouldn't that be the "clear answer", so it doesn't make sense that you're saying it can't work but wanting to continue "showing her your love". Just pointing out the "crazy post-break-up non-logic" Trust me, I've been there so I know how crazy things can get and how we can do things that really make no sense...but again, that alone shows you need more time and you need to really decide to follow your true feelings that it can't work and be determined to heal versus get back together.

[East7]

She proclaimed that feels insecure with me to leave her H.

.

 

Insecure in what? Materially?

 

That can be somehow valid only if she thinks you can't provide for her or you are unemployed. Reality is that many women don't trade security for love. Does she have a decent job and can provide for herself ? Then her reasons are bull***. Or is she staying just because her H is richer than you?

[Yianks]

Hi Yianks,

 

I have to say that I was a bit confused by your idea of NC. You said you were in NC but were still looking at her Facebook and pretty much looking at her life and making assumptions about how she felt and what she's doing with her husband....

 

You said that after 7 weeks of NC you should know if it was deep love or a teenaged love affair...and after 7 weeks, in which you were still looking at her life via FB, you sent her a message saying you will never be happy together and you can't pretend...but now you're asking if you should continue to try to show your love for her.

 

It's a bit confusing Having done NC myself before with a difficult breakup, I will tell you that your confusion is normal. The thing is, 7 weeks of NC doesn't mean magically you're "cured" and you are now unbiased and can see the truth. It took me MONTHS AND MONTHS of NC (sprinkled with breaking NC, like you did), and more than a year to see the truth. There is no set time but 7 weeks is premature IMO and most people take a lot longer to come out on the other side with clarity. If you read stories here, you'll see.

 

NC is for clarity and often to move on from a relationship and detach. Whether a relationship is good or bad, has a future or not, the point is that we get attached and detaching hurts! That process is truly like a detox, where regardless of if this person is good for you, it hurts like hell to detach from them. You've realized that you can't be together, the relationship is not built on good grounds, she's doing stuff like threatening to get pregnant...it's really a mess and I think that you've got NC confused into being something in which you leave her alone for a time (but continue keeping tabs on her) then hopefully she comes to her senses, or you "take a break" from this person and then resurface and start back up. That's not NC or defeats the entire purpose.

 

I think you need more time....btw, after 7 weeks, you emailed saying things can't work...you said it was enough time to know and if after 7 weeks you emailed saying it cannot work, then shouldn't that be the "clear answer", so it doesn't make sense that you're saying it can't work but wanting to continue "showing her your love". Just pointing out the "crazy post-break-up non-logic" Trust me, I've been there so I know how crazy things can get and how we can do things that really make no sense...but again, that alone shows you need more time and you need to really decide to follow your true feelings that it can't work and be determined to heal versus get back together.

 

Your comments are very well appreciated and truly thank you for that. The email clearly stated that if true feelings are involved then, yes, we just pretend not being together, pretend that we are happy without each other etc.

 

Sometimes to get over a situation is when you reflect back and understand that you have done all possible that there is to be done. If she has chosen to stay with her H its fine as this was a very likely outcome. This email might have helped me reveal her true intentions.

[Yianks]

Insecure in what? Materially?

 

That can be somehow valid only if she thinks you can't provide for her or you are unemployed. Reality is that many women don't trade security for love. Does she have a decent job and can provide for herself ? Then her reasons are bull***. Or is she staying just because her H is richer than you?

 

I have a very good job. Insecurity in the sense of our characters that argue all the time and that if I can walk away now therefore I can easily do it later when (and if) we are together.

 

Excuses or not? Sometimes questions like these can't be answered.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Yianks

[East7]

I have a very good job. Insecurity in the sense of our characters that argue all the time and that if I can walk away now and I can easily do it later when (and if) we are together.

 

Oh of course How can she trust you ?

Let me get this straight : You waited 1.5 years for her, but she can't trust you? She loves you so much that she doesn't know if you will keep her, so she is staying with her H ?

 

Buddy, she is screwing your mind so bad. This is the most manipulative "reason" I have heard.

 

You know where the fights come from. Because you are frustrated of the situation and you want better for yourself than being a lover. And she knows this too but she is making it look like you are the bad guy and she can't trust you.

[wannabdone]

Couldnt agree more with your post. Have in mind however than us men when we really want something we can always find the way to get it. We are just more forward than women and thats a disadvantage! Being an OM for a year and a half the time comes that enough is enough.

 

She will never get what she wants which is having both the H and the OM. The NC should tell her that. However, sometimes the feelings should be expressed as an indication that everything possible was done but she chooses to stay with her H.

 

 

No, I agree with you. I meant that if she wanted to leave and not have her cake and eat it too, your NC should have shown her that, and she should have come running. However, what she wanted was to strike your emotion to contact her, thus leaving her with the control.

 

I am proud of you for standing your ground. And if sending her an email telling her how you felt helps you heal....then thats what is important. YOUR healing. You can lay your head down at night knowing you tried everything. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. But you did what is right for you and thats good.

 

I just thought that with the thread topic "should I stay or should I go"....you were asking if you stick around and keep trying or move on. I was just trying to point out how much game playing she was doing and how her intentions were to have both.

[Yianks]

Oh of course How can she trust you ?

Let me get this straight : You waited 1.5 years for her, but she can't trust you? She loves you so much that she doesn't know if you will keep her, so she is staying with her H ?

 

Buddy, she is screwing your mind so bad. This is the most manipulative "reason" I have heard.

 

You know where the fights come from. Because you are frustrated of the situation and you want better for yourself than being a lover. And she knows this too but she is making it look like you are the bad guy and she can't trust you.

 

East7, I know all these and believe me these are the main reasons for the NC, although it ended yesterday. The excuses are over, she has the email, she knows what I feel even after 7 weeks.

 

I have promised to myself I will never be the third person in the equation again. If she wants to be with me exclusively fair enough, if not I wish her all the best with her H and truly hope she has a happy marriage.