After 4 years, she needs to be single? GIGS?

[BrokenLaw]

Urgh I just typed this big long thing out, then my browser crashes

 

Anyways:

 

Me (23) and my ex (22) met before undergrad started and dated through the whole 4 years. We had our differences and issues, but we both held communication highly, so we talked/worked through them. We had plans about marriage, kids, and just our general future together. I look back and can genuinely say we had some of the best times of our lives so far.

 

We both decided to be close in grad school, so we went to school in the same city. I commute in, and live close to her, while she lives where her school is. No one from my school lives near me. I also live about 100yds from her. I realize now that was pretty dumb to move out to her lol.

 

Ever since move-in we were great. We cooked for each other & friends, went out together, with my friends and hers, etc. School started up and we adjusted accordingly and everything was still damn near perfect. Labor day weekend we visited her family and had a great time, her grandparents even called me her fiance (issue?) Even during The Talk she admitted we were perfect up to this point.

 

Then the **** hit the fan

 

Couple of days later, she comes over and I can immeaditly tell something is wrong. She told me she wanted a week break, that she is confused about her feelings for me and for someone else. She felt like we should be going to the next level and she's unsure about that, and she's 90% me and 10% not. She also mentioned that she wanted me to be more religious (she is) and work out more (i'm not fat, but lost some tone). Obviously this was out-of-the-blue so I fought it, but eventually accepted it.

 

Couple of days later I sent her a big long text about how its not up to us, its up to god (i really did find god through this, not trying to push views, but I did) and we must accept god's plan for us. The next day she texted and invited me for dinner and a walk. We talked about our issues and agreed to end the break. She mentioned that she finds guy who show the qualities I don't show enough of attractive (basically religious gym rats). I promised to work on those, and I did and still do. After some recovery, I thought everything was close to being back to normal.

 

Then BOOM

 

Couple of days later, she tells me she needs to be single and some space. She said she is here for grad school and its really stressful right now (like 5exams in 2 weeks, honeymoon period over) and still confused about her feelings about me and the other guy. She then went on to do the whole your my best friend stuff and I don't want to lose you blah blah blah. I know she didn't cheat, so it's not that. But I obviously fought it, and tried to talk through it but eventually accepted. I told her that its a steep hill to climb back up (after she said this might be a week, month, year, she doesn't know), and then proceeded to take all the stuff she had at my place (pictures of us, clothes, makeup, etc) and gave it back to her.

 

I went out that night with some friends and crashed at their place. My roommate asks her the next day if she knew where I was. She then texted me wondering if i'm alright, and I simply replied that i'm fine and i went out with friends. She asked my roommate again on sat how i am doing, but he was out of town.

 

 

I sent her a text monday wishing her good luck on exams (nothing more) and she said she was nervous and I said she'll do great and i'm praying for her (again very simple, nothing long). She then said she's praying for me.

 

I've been strict NC since monday. Its tough, but if she wants space, i'm giving it to her. I truly believe that she is the one, and I just want to make sure I'm not waiting for something that will never come, or do something stupid that could ruin our chances.

 

Currently I feel like the whole next level thing and her grandparents calling me her fiance freaked her out. She's only dated one other guy (in HS nonetheless), and wants to make sure I'm right? Classic case of GIGS, I think.

 

She's so used to having everything planned and figured out, her confusion on feelings and stress with school isn't helping. Coupled with meeting new people in grad school doesn't make it easy.

 

Opinions on what I should/shouldn't do are welcomed!

 

Thanks

 

BL

Edited September 21, 2011 by BrokenLaw

[BrokenLaw]

also, how much time should I wait to give the rest of her stuff back? or wait until she asks?

[stillhurt]

BL, she does sound like she has a case of GIGS and on top of it all you guys are still young and have been dating since the beginning of college. So, she may feel that she needs to go out and explore. But, that is not fair to you. I think you should stick to NC and let her figure it out.

 

I know it's hard, but I don't think she is 90% sure like you say. And, I also think it's not nice that she is saying that you have to make all the changes. She has already told you that she has feelings for someone else. I say, stay away so you don't get hurt, until she truly figures it out.

[BrokenLaw]

it wasn't like "i like this guy", it was more "im interested/he caught my eye" but nonetheless, ****ty on her part.

 

she made changes at the beginning of the relationship, and she's always nagged me about these, but this whole thing has made me realize that i deserve better from someone else or on her part.

 

that 90% stuff are her words.

 

She told me that i'm everything shes looking for except the religion and work out, which could be worked on, and I was willing to work on, but she obviously has no idea what she wants.

 

the NC was hard at the beginning but easier everyday. i'm still curious about when I should break it bc i want her crap out of here, and what to do when she texts. Because while I want to talk to her, I don't want to NC thing to make me look like an ass.

 

thanks for the reply!

[Mack05]

Broken,

 

I presume you have seen the GIGS thread. I am going to play devils advocate here and say I do not believe in GIGS. The success rates of couples meeting at a young age in todays world are small. I personally think that has nothing whatsoever to do with GIGS. You look back to a generation ago. My Parents met young and married young and have been married ever since. 37 years to be exact. It has been a very good marriage, but by god did they have to keep working at it (two very different people). I remember being a little younger then you. I was in college and a girl I was totally crazy about dumped me. I thought my world had ended. In my head at the time, I was thinking that was the age my parents got together. She was the one for me, so when she left me, I was beyond heartbroken. All my dreams shattered into a million pieces..

 

I spoke to my mother about it at the time. She said "you know why your father and I work so hard to put you through college? So that you don't live the life we had to. She said I love your father and always will. But it has been a struggle nearly all our lives. Both of us with no education. Both of us with little real life experience. Fighting against the odds. Some good years, some bad years. I don't want that life for you son. I want you to get educated. I want you to travel. I want you to have fun, before life gets in the way".

 

I just can't criticise young people leaving relationships (as long as they do it respectfully and with a bit of class). In my opinion (many disagree) its not about GIGS. It's about living life. Having life experiences that you can look back on when you are old and grey. Broken you have no idea how tough life gets in the next 20 years after college. The last thing young people want is to look back over their lives and wonder "gez where the hell did it go"? Young people now days want to have as much fun as possible. They want to put off responsibilites and the stress of life, for as long as possible. This (along with some building careers) is the reason people are getting married later and later in life. I personally think 30 is a great age to get married. You both should have the right amount of life experience and emotional maturity to be ready to settle down.

 

Not the answer you were looking for right Broken? Sorry bro I feel your pain. NOTHING worse then a broken heart. It sucks and my words or anyone else's words can take away your pain. Sadly it seems something we all have to go through in life (more then one heartbreak too!). It doesn't feel like it now but your ex has done you a favour. I have posted this a few times. Sadly the advice is the same and the heartbreak is the same..Best of luck mate. Drop me a PM anytime..

 

"Sadly, there is nothing you can do, but respect her wishes. She is very young and is entitled to live her life the way she see's fit. All you can do is respect her choice and move on. I know that is so hard, but that is what you have to do. Hassling her, begging, pleading and looking for answers will just driver her further away. I personally feel she is way too emotionally immature to be in a relationship right now. Therefore she will not be able to make you happy long term. Looking at it logically mate, most of us (I would confidentally say 9 in 10) meet people at a young age, they are our first loves but it rarely works out. Just chalk it down to experience and move on with your life. The crucial thing is (no matter how bad it gets) is NOT to break NC. I have been through a few of these in my time. The same rules apply to us all.."

 

P.S-> The name of that girl I was crazy about and saw my future with at 20? I forget.....I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe two well suited people can meet and be very happy together. The big problem in life is timing. You have to accept mate that she is too young and the timing is not right. I know how hard that must be to hear..

Edited September 21, 2011 by Mack05

[Art_Critic]

Classic case of GIGS... nothing you can do.. sorry man there is no coming back from GIGS..

Once they are afflicted by GIGS they get all googly eyed and are goners..

 

Best thing you can do is work on yourself and not worry about her..

Read Mack05's post.. great post...

[BrokenLaw]

Thanks for the reply guys!

 

This isn't my first heartbreak, and it would of been one thing if she flat out said "I can't see myself with you anymore," she left it in this weird grey area, which is tough to move either way from. I've progressed a lot in the past couple of days, going from saddness, to worried, and now (i know its quick, and I admit ill have set-backs) I completely agree with you that this is a blessing in disguise. I believe in "its meant to be" not "the one." The suddeness of it is what is throwing me down a well. That being said, I have new energy to meet people, nothing physical, but just to talk, flirt, and have fun. If anything it makes both of us step back and think about what we want and what our relationship was built on. I'm definitely learning from this, as much as it sucks, but it's the best way to think of this. The next contact i'm planning on having with her is sending her a simple birthday (1+ month away) card, nothing heavy, but she was my best friend, and i still care for her. This whole thing has made me really know what I want in my life, and whether she's in it or not, I'm happy for this break.

 

I'm not ready to absolutely say GIGS yet, because I'll give her the benefit of the doubt about figuring things out, but in a couple of weeks, I'll know an answer, especially after her exam period is over.

[BrokenLaw]

Found out she has a date with that guy tomorrow... She said she would go during our talk but wow this hurts and only a week later? :-(

[Art_Critic]

It's the GIGS talking...There isn't any way back from GIGS...

 

Sorry for your pain.. now that you have seen what she thinks of you guy being together maybe it will help you move on.

[BrokenLaw]

It's sad... I realize I put way too much in while getting too little out... but curious... What if she comes back on her knees after this date? Could this reveal her true feelings for me? I've been thinking of this as a test of feelings?

 

I know I know it's bad for me... But the wound still effects rational thought

[loverboy1984]

Hey When I read your story it gave me flash backs. I went through something similar. I was with my ex for 6yrs, throughout undergrad then we both went to grad school and when I was about to move to her town she went through the exact same thing as your ex. She wanted a break and told me shes 99% sure it will work out with us. She even emailed my sister and said to not worry because she and I will work out. It happened out of the blue just like you. She broke up with me and started dating a guy immediately. I was here on this forum and talking to homebrew just like you. I was in denial, thinking my situation is different and that she will come crawling back. Its been 6 months, once a month I get a text about something from her but thats it. She probably still loves you but isnt in love with you. She loves you as a person not as a partner. It is very difficult and I can tell you that its been 6 months and I still have some bad days. Force yourself to accept its done. It really sucks but search this forum and your story is not unique. Everything you say and the timeline or events are almost all textbook. I sometimes have to come here and read posts like yours to remind me that it wasnt my fault and I didnt do anything to bring this upon myself. Work on yourself but better yet allow yourself to heal. It may take a year for you to do so. Just dont change and be a bad person from this. Learn from this and dont be cynical or jaded. I wish you luck and try to learn from people on this forum, they all helped me.

[Eddie Edirol]

It's sad... I realize I put way too much in while getting too little out... but curious... What if she comes back on her knees after this date? Could this reveal her true feelings for me? I've been thinking of this as a test of feelings?

 

I know I know it's bad for me... But the wound still effects rational thought

 

BL this happened suddenly because she has been thinking about breaking it off with you for a while. Youre lucky that she told you that she left you for someone else. That NEVER happens. There are probably a couple more things she doesnt like about you that she isnt telling you. But unfortunately, shes 22, right around the age where girls do this constantly around here, and they dont look back. She wants that guy that doesnt need her, can get any other girl he wants, and is buff. I'll also wager he isnt as religious as shes making him out to be, she might just be using that reason as an excuse.

 

So I dont think this would be GIGS in this situation. You have been dating exclusively during the years where you both should have been experimenting.

 

She didnt cut you off completely, because she needs to have you available to go back to just in case the new guy doesnt work out. The best thing you can do right now is screw her head up. Act like you dont care, and also act like youre too busy for her. If she wants to talk to you, she has to earn it, make her work for it, dont make it easy for her. Act like youre moving on without her. It wont affect her too much, but you will make her think twice a lil if she realizes you arent waiting for her.

[BrokenLaw]

So I called her...

 

I asked if we were done or what. I wanted an answer so I could leave this middle ground. She started to tear and said I don't know I'm still confused so I don't have an answer. We talked about the past week and how we've learned about ourselves blah blah blah. I told her to help me and her we should go to see a counselor. That will atleast point us in the right direction, and maybe give us both answers. She said she was worried about wondering what if and I replied we both don't want to ask what if about each other because we both know the other won't just wait around. She also admitted (unprovoked) that I'm everything she looks for, which makes no sense.

 

I'm not ready to throw away 4 years of greatness, without a (reasonable) fight and I disagree that she had been thinking of this for awhile, bc she would of told me just like the other guy. If the counseling doesn't work and we realize it's done I'll be much more accepting, but right now it could go either way and I'm gonna atleast try.

 

And as of now she agreed to the counseling

[Eddie Edirol]

So I called her...

 

I asked if we were done or what. I wanted an answer so I could leave this middle ground. She started to tear and said I don't know I'm still confused so I don't have an answer. We talked about the past week and how we've learned about ourselves blah blah blah. I told her to help me and her we should go to see a counselor. That will atleast point us in the right direction, and maybe give us both answers. She said she was worried about wondering what if and I replied we both don't want to ask what if about each other because we both know the other won't just wait around. She also admitted (unprovoked) that I'm everything she looks for, which makes no sense.

 

I'm not ready to throw away 4 years of greatness, without a (reasonable) fight and I disagree that she had been thinking of this for awhile, bc she would of told me just like the other guy. If the counseling doesn't work and we realize it's done I'll be much more accepting, but right now it could go either way and I'm gonna atleast try.

 

And as of now she agreed to the counseling

 

Just because she told you about the other guy, doesnt mean she would tell you if she was giving up on your relationship months ago. If she really wanted to fix the problems of your relationship she would have wanted to work on it when they showed up. She might have given up on you if she told you earlier that she wanted you to be more religious and toned, and you didnt make it happen. But you never believe them when they break it off with you. Like I said, you are her safety net now, she isnt going to take a chance that you wont be there for her if the other guy doesnt work out - by telling you shes done with you. Just keep to limited contact, let her work for your attention, and you MIGHT be able to win her back.

 

Problem is, shes used to you, she is dealing with that withdrawal, but she doesnt want to be with you, she isnt really attracted to you anymore, and has fallen out of love with you. Maybe she is getting mixed signals from the other guy and its not working out like she hoped. But she isnt going to want to get back with you with her heart if she doesnt have to work for it. You really have to make her think youre not waiting for her, and forget councelling. Shes not confused, she knows what she wants, it just isnt you. You arent everything she is looking for, thats why she wants to leave you, she still isnt telling you the real reasons she wants out.

[Art_Critic]

And as of now she agreed to the counseling

 

As long as you don't try and just blame it all on her then you will have a shot..

Counseling isn't a one way street and will require the spot light to also be on you..

Are you willing to accept that and not try and turn the sessions into a blaming session ?

I can assure you that she will walk out if it isn't a 2-way street

[Karala]

Just wanted to say, I don't think anyone ever "needs to be single", it's just a bull**** excuse dumpers use to try and spare the dumpee's feelings.

 

Don't mean to sound mean, I've actually been in the same boat and that's why I see it clearly now.

 

Also, if she needs to be single, why would she be dating another guy already??

[BrokenLaw]

As long as you don't try and just blame it all on her then you will have a shot..

Counseling isn't a one way street and will require the spot light to also be on you..

Are you willing to accept that and not try and turn the sessions into a blaming session ?

I can assure you that she will walk out if it isn't a 2-way street

 

I know, I want it because we are both searching for answers. Good or bad I know this will help both of us in the long run.

 

To others: this is my last effort, then I'm NC and maybe in a month or two LC... I would rather it be said than unclear. I would rather know than be in that painful limbo. I wasn't pleading or crying, I said somethings about how great we were and that we stopped what caused us to fall in love and that we were no where as strong as I thought we were and we should take some steps back. We also agreed that we were way too dependent on each other and should work on that. If the counseling is the last thing she does for me, so be it, atleast it will be on my terms and I'll have closure

 

I gave her the weekend to think the counseling out, then we'll talk next week.

[BrokenLaw]

Going Very LC (I'll give myself 2 very light texts within this period) for a month... Weakness will happen but gets better everyday.

[Mack05]

Going Very LC (I'll give myself 2 very light texts within this period) for a month... Weakness will happen but gets better everyday.

 

Broken this is why you are going to have ongoing problems. That thought process right there..Negative thinking drastically effects your recovery..If you don't show yourself self respect how do you expect other people to?

Edited September 23, 2011 by Mack05

[BrokenLaw]

Thanks everyone again.

 

She's still in my mind, but i'm starting now to not feel so ****ty about it. I'm about to move away (recent decision, for a job, she has no idea) so we'll see what happens when I'm gone.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, dude! You need a fresh start. She's been stringing you along this whole time. Not fair for you to be waiting on the sidelines while she goes out and dates this guy (so much for her wanting to be single and by herself huh..)

 

 

I wouldn't tell her you're moving. Why? What for? She made the decision to have you out of her life and that's exactly what you give her. She made her choice, so don't be fooled with the whole, "being confused" thing. She needs to know what it feels like not having you in her life. This was her choice. Now, she has to live with it.

[BrokenLaw]

Thanks man,

 

It feels great to do something for myself and not for us, or my ex. I've always been a guy that takes of care of people so, it's a new feeling! I'm still debating on whether or not to tell her, but leaning towards no.

 

Funny thing is, a good friend said this about her date... "after a breakup, girls date, guys hookup"

 

meaning, the date was just to get her going again, and that I need to go out and meet some people. All indications outside of her still say she's confused as ****, but it's too late, i'm GONEEEE

[Chi townD]

Thanks man,

 

It feels great to do something for myself and not for us, or my ex. I've always been a guy that takes of care of people so, it's a new feeling! I'm still debating on whether or not to tell her, but leaning towards no.

 

Funny thing is, a good friend said this about her date... "after a breakup, girls date, guys hookup"

 

meaning, the date was just to get her going again, and that I need to go out and meet some people. All indications outside of her still say she's confused as ****, but it's too late, i'm GONEEEE

 

It's okay to go out and meet new people and go out a the occasional date here and there. But, don't start DATING until you're ready. It wouldn't be fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the girl you're dating.

 

I wouldn't tell her that you're moving and the reason behind this it....you owe her nothing. She is nothing to you now. She's not a girlfriend, not a wife, not the mother of your children. She's the girl that decided to leave you. So, with that information, she can find out through someone else.

[BrokenLaw]

Ok so good chance I'll see her (prob with new boy) at the bar tonight... Should I go? Avoid her? Confront? I'm gettin over this but this will be be first time ive seen her in 3 weeks.

[Mack05]

Ok so good chance I'll see her (prob with new boy) at the bar tonight... Should I go? Avoid her? Confront? I'm gettin over this but this will be be first time ive seen her in 3 weeks.

 

I wish there was a shake head icon..Read your thread again, read the replies..What are you doing! Avoid her, avoid the bar! Dear god why don't people like you want to help themselves?