If someone breaks up with you and seems to still like you do they come back?

[RatsAreCool]

I'll try to make this short but it's just so complicated.

 

I met this guy and he told me from the get-go that he's not into relationships. He's 24 and has had only one gf, and the relationship was really bad. That was three years ago and this situation with me is the closest he's gotten to a relationship since.

 

He meets me and starts spending all his time with me, ditching his friends to hang out, running four miles to my house when we both didn't have cars, the works, but... still doesn't want a relationship, or even to be exclusive. In fact, he even pushed me to hook up with other guys.

 

The first time we had a talk about "where we were headed," he asked if I'd be OK with an open relationship and I was like "NO." He then asked if we could maybe get together in a few years when he felt ready for a relationship and I was like, "Seriously? It doesn't work that way and you know it!"

 

We almost broke up once over this. He asked for a break to think about it all, and 24 hours into the break texted me asking me how I was. I finally got him to promise--no other girls, although we still weren't technically "in a relationship" (I use the word "ex" only for convenience).

 

A week before he breaks up with me, I was mad at him for something, and he BEGGED me to hang out the next day. We hung out every night that week because he invited me over, even though he had to get up early for work the next day. We had a stupid fight one night, and the next day, he broke up with me, because he "needs to get his life together" and he "can't be my boyfriend right now" but that's "basically what he was."

 

I asked if he still liked me and he answered without hesitation "of course I do." I started pushing to get back together so he took it back. Later I asked if he remembered those things he'd said to me when we first got together about trying in a few years. I asked if he still felt that way and he said "kind of." Then without prompting from me he said "I'll tell you this, if things had been different in my life, I wouldn't have broken up with you."

 

I saw him a few days ago and he was clearly still into me, at least physically.

 

Is it over for good or do you think he'll realize he misses me?

[RatsAreCool]

Also when I saw him a few days ago, he seemed happy to see me--he was definitely chatty, asking me how I've been and saying things like "well you know me..." even though I was trying to keep the conversation short. He was also clearly checking out my butt.

 

Later that night I stupidly asked if he wanted to hook up, and he turned me down. I was like "Are we pretending that you weren't staring at my butt earlier?" and he said "It's not that I don't want to, but no."

 

He's also been really pushing to stay friends. "We can still hang out and watch tv together and stuff."

 

I just don't know what to think! Or well I guess it's clear from my story what I think... he obviously has feelings for me still... it's just like, are those feelings magically going to go away and we're going to become friends or something? Or is he keeping me around because he really thinks we might have a future together?

[SugarLily]

Honey -

 

This guy is a joke. He's completely messing you around. And you know what? That's disrespectful.

 

You have been WAY to accommodating of his behaviour.

 

You don't have to live YOUR life around his weird 'rules'.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh - but i've got to tell you straight - this guy is not going to commit to you. He doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

But that's okay - there's loads of guys out there who would kill for the opportunity to call you their girlfriend.

 

Initiate no contact. It won't be easy - but you need to understand that you deserve so much better than this.

 

And you will find it.

 

When you cut this loser out of your life.

 

Don't let him hold you back anymore. You are a beautiful person - and you should be treated like a princess. Don't settle for any less.

 

x

[Daremo_06]

Wait a minute before rushing to any judgments just yet.

 

Is this guy ALSO wanting to be intimate with you while just being "friends"? If so, then yes I totally agree with SugarLily.

 

If not, then I think you could be off base on your thinking. I am a guy who has done this very thing...

 

3 years ago I met a girl on Match. We went out, we hit it off decently, but she definitely had some issues in her own life to work on. She was very passive in the relationship, easily frustrated, and I just felt like I was at a different level emotionally. I broke up with her but said I really wanted to be friends because I really did. She said she couldn't right away, so I gave her a couple months and reached out to her and said hello via email. She was dating someone I knew and was happy to hear from me. We started getting together and doing things, either with her bf or with other girlfriends of hers going to things like wine tastings.

 

This went on for most of the year and at the end of the year another friend of mine told me I needed to re-visit dating her. I seriously considered saying something to her while she was still with the other guy, but I decided against it because I did not want to be the catalyst to that relationship breaking up. Amazingly about 6 weeks later, they broke up. I did not want to be rebound, so I was patient and told her when she tried to kiss me a week or two later that I didn't want to be rebound and that she wasn't ready. We spent time together and about 2 months later, things clicked and we started dating again.

 

It *IS* possible to truly want to be just friends after dating, but just make sure his actions tell you the same thing as his words. Just friends should mean exactly that. No snuggling, no FWB, ect ect. If he is trying to get those things, then he doesn't really respect you or your feelings and is being selfish.

[TheDovic]

From a male point of view (plus I have a lot of friends so I've seen every type of guy and their different approaches to women) I can tell you this guy likes you... BUT I'm sorry to say, he doesn't like you anywhere near enough! I promise you, if a guy really likes you he will make sure you know it, especially when he knows you like him back so there is less chance of him being rejected.

 

I know it hurts to hear but it sounds as though he's just not that interested!

 

 

Go find the person who makes YOU feel special for who you are and these chump will be nothing but a bad memory

[RatsAreCool]

Well, he's obviously not using me for sex. I offered to have sex with him and he said no.

 

I just don't understand what it means for someone to just want ot be friends. Like, when I broke up with my ex boyfriend, I still cared about him deeply, but I didn't want to see or speak with him, because it was over! You know? And I knew that it would just make things confusing.

 

My therapist says that she's seen this with guys a million times before--they like someone but they don't like being vulnerable so they push you away. It did seem like that's what he was doing sometimes. He'd do something really sweet and then take it back.

 

So it's like, if he still has feelings for me, which it seems like he does, why would he want to be friends?

[geegirl]

Well, he's obviously not using me for sex. I offered to have sex with him and he said no.

 

You offered sex and he turned it down. He does have a hint of guilt knowing he is leading you on. He's not a monster. While he may like you, he knows you are more invested and feels bad that you're grappling and pushing. And please don't offer sex so that you can get him to commit or love you. He will lose respect for you.

 

I just don't understand what it means for someone to just want ot be friends. Like, when I broke up with my ex boyfriend, I still cared about him deeply, but I didn't want to see or speak with him, because it was over! You know? And I knew that it would just make things confusing.

 

You are not him. He wants to be friends to enjoy the benefits of sex, snuggling, companionship, etc. That's is his definition of friends. He is not emotionally invested in you that is why it is not confusing for him, just as long as you know the terms and he gets what he wants.

 

My therapist says that she's seen this with guys a million times before--they like someone but they don't like being vulnerable so they push you away. It did seem like that's what he was doing sometimes. He'd do something really sweet and then take it back.

 

He is telling you he DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Stop trying to analyze him when he is telling you loud and clear. My ex once said this to me, "When a man tells you what you don't want to hear, listen." Don't go looking for answers when it's right infront of you. Your therapist cannot speak for him or analyze him when he is not her patient. She is speaking from what you tell her, which is something she should not be doing. Any good therapist will diagnose a patient and a patient only. He is not of the the guys she's seen a million times as she has not seen him to know that for sure.

 

So it's like, if he still has feelings for me, which it seems like he does, why would he want to be friends?

 

He may have feelings for you but not enough to want you in a relationship but just enough to get the benefits that you provide to him. And trust me, if you've shown him that he can take from you without you even wanting anything in return, he will see this as you being a doormat and will lose all respect for you. Of course he wants to be "friends". How else can he define the need to just use you for benefits?

[eleanorhurting]

I think its time to let go

[Thieves]

Have you noticed something? In your entire message, you use words like "technically", "basically", "maybe", and "kind of". You're either in an exclusive relationship with someone, or not. It takes two. You and this guy can throw around words like 'boyfriend' all you want, but he could just be using that to appease you.

 

He then asked if we could maybe get together in a few years when he felt ready for a relationship

 

Warning sign #1. He's basically asking you to put your life on hold. For a few years. Then maybe you two can get together. Mmmmaybe.

 

We had a stupid fight one night, and the next day, he broke up with me, because he "needs to get his life together" and he "can't be my boyfriend right now" but that's "basically what he was."

 

Warning sign #1,214. Push, pull, push, pull. And you're allowing him to do this. You don't even know if you're in an actual relationship with him half the time, and he's already broken up with you.

 

I asked if he still liked me and he answered without hesitation "of course I do." I started pushing to get back together so he took it back.

 

Again with the pushing from you. Pushing a person to do something they don't really want to do, even if they do give in. You shouldn't have to push or get somebody to agree to be with you. And he 'took it back' later? I'm not even going to go there.

 

Later I asked if he remembered those things he'd said to me when we first got together about trying in a few years. I asked if he still felt that way and he said "kind of."

 

Ouch. Not much reassurance in that. Is this what you look for in a boyfriend? Your #1 clue and answer to ALL of this lies right in the previous two quotes: He said - without hesitation - that he likes you. But took it back! Then he said - with hesitation - that, well... he 'kind of' maybe would get together with you in a few years. What does all that say?

 

Then without prompting from me he said "I'll tell you this, if things had been different in my life, I wouldn't have broken up with you."

 

Everyone has things they would've done or would do if things were different in their lives. Hell, if things had been different in my life a few years ago, I'd probably be in Paris now studying to be a great avant-garde painter. But did that happen? No. Because things just didn't turn out that way, for better or worse.

 

I saw him a few days ago and he was clearly still into me, at least physically.

 

Still into you physically. That's cool. But hey, what about that one thing that makes us girls go googley-eyed? Oh.. emotions. So the fact that he's still into you physically, doesn't mean much. Guys can be into a lot of girls 'physically'. It's the ones who hold them physically and emotionally that are the keepers. I'm not feeling that with you two, I'm sorry to say.

 

Is it over for good or do you think he'll realize he misses me?

 

The question is, why would you want someone back who 'kind of' wants you in their future? Who takes back his own words when times get tough? Is he really worth this stress? He likes you, but not enough to be with you. Simple as. I think it's best to just cut your losses and move on from this pseudo-relationship...

[RatsAreCool]

I understand that it's not healthy in any way shape or form. I knew that full well going into the situation (maybe I should point out that I'm only 20 years old, at a university, where most guys here aren't looking to get tied down to anyone). Haha, the first time he told me he liked me, I said "I'm scared you're going to hurt me."

 

I guess it's just hard to understand, because the thing is, he DIDN'T just "walk the walk," so to speak. Like I said in my post, he ditched his friends to hang out with me all the time. He would leave parties to call me and talk to me. And the other thing is... he's not a liar. Like, he's too BLUNT to be a liar. He told me a lot of things he didn't have to tell me. It was almost like he was trying to drive me away from the beginning.

 

I know this guy has some serious issues. His parents got divorced when he was eleven and they hate each other now, and his first girlfriend was a disastor, so he's terrified of relationships.

 

But I guess... I don't want to argue with anyone. I'm not arguing with anyone. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore. I just want to understand, you know? But I guess I already do. :-(

 

Don't worry, the plan isn't to hang around waiting, and I deleted his number from my phone. If he texts or calls the plan is to be distant.

 

Maybe I'm asking if it's possible that someone could be sooo messed up they would dump someone they really like just because they don't want a relationship. I used to think that wasn't possible. I used to think that if someone really liked you, they would give up their freedom in a heartbeat. Now I'm not so sure.

[RatsAreCool]

P.S. Technically speaking, when you say that a therapist isn't supposed to diagnose someone if they're not their patient... it's kinda what you're doing. And I told her the same story I told all of you guys, you know? Don't knock the therapist. A guy doesn't run four miles to your house and back just to hang out because he's using you for sex.

 

In fact... I called him for sex way more often than he called me for it.

[RatsAreCool]

Also, trust me, I was with this guy against my better judgement, but I ain't no doormat. If you knew me the idea would be almost laughable. I told him straight up "you hook up with another girl and I'm out." That's what got him to say he wouldn't.

 

Like I said, it's college. Casual sex is not only permitted here, it's encouraged. Don't worry, I didn't offer him sex to get him back. I did it because I genuinely wanted to bang him, lol. But he was right, it was a dreadful idea. I'm glad he turned me down.

[Mack05]

Like I said, it's college. Casual sex is not only permitted here, it's encouraged. Don't worry, I didn't offer him sex to get him back. I did it because I genuinely wanted to bang him, lol

 

And woman in their late 20's/early 30's these days always wonder, "why can't I meet any good guys". You want to know why? Because what man wants a life long partner who has shown very little class, dignity or self respect in their 'party' days?. I aint no scientist, but there is one formula that is an absolutle fact.

 

Girl offering sex when outside of an relationship = the fastest way to push him away from a relationship.

 

It is so unappealing for a lot of men. Trust me..

[geegirl]

P.S. Technically speaking, when you say that a therapist isn't supposed to diagnose someone if they're not their patient... it's kinda what you're doing. And I told her the same story I told all of you guys, you know? Don't knock the therapist. A guy doesn't run four miles to your house and back just to hang out because he's using you for sex.

 

In fact... I called him for sex way more often than he called me for it.

 

She is a therapist. She is a professional, and a good professional diagnoses her patient and her patient ONLY. Her function is to determine the issues of her patient ONLY. It's not her job to sit there and diagnose someone she has never met because if she does that, she may be providing you with false information about someone she does not know. That is not what she is licensed to do.

 

I am an outsider. I am telling you what I see. I am free to give you my opinion. I am free to give you my perspective. You either take it or leave it.

 

That is the difference. This is a public forum. Use it as you may.

Edited September 20, 2011 by geegirl

[stillafool]

 

The question is, why would you want someone back who 'kind of' wants you in their future? Who takes back his own words when times get tough? Is he really worth this stress? He likes you, but not enough to be with you. Simple as. I think it's best to just cut your losses and move on from this pseudo-relationship...

 

I agree. If you are looking for a relationship why waste your time with someone who has clearly told you he is not interested. Let him go and find someone who wants a relationship.

[dreamcity]

Mack05:

"And woman in their late 20's/early 30's these days always wonder, "why can't I meet any good guys". You want to know why? Because what man wants a life long partner who has shown very little class, dignity or self respect in their 'party' days?. I aint no scientist, but there is one formula that is an absolutle fact."

 

Oh please. March of the dinosaurs. I want a person in general with a bit of class, but I don't define that by whether or not they've ever had casual sex. Sheesh.

[Mack05]

Oh please. March of the dinosaurs. I want a person in general with a bit of class, but I don't define that by whether or not they've ever had casual sex. Sheesh.

 

As I just said dreamcity in Eleanor's post. It's a forum where we express our opinions. Some might agree with me, some might not. In this case there is no point in debating, because neither of us will change our viewpoints.

[Daremo_06]

Mack05:

"And woman in their late 20's/early 30's these days always wonder, "why can't I meet any good guys". You want to know why? Because what man wants a life long partner who has shown very little class, dignity or self respect in their 'party' days?. I aint no scientist, but there is one formula that is an absolutle fact."

 

Oh please. March of the dinosaurs. I want a person in general with a bit of class, but I don't define that by whether or not they've ever had casual sex. Sheesh.

 

I agree. I care about what the woman's personality is like, do we click, do I find her attractive, is she funny, does she make me smile and feel good when I am spending time with her. Thinking about if she hooked up with some guy 2 weeks ago when she was single doesn't even enter my mind. I could care less. Why am I as a guy allowed to do that and not women. The mindset that women are suppose to be some sort of paragons of virginity is leftover from the Puritan days or earlier and its ridiculous.

 

Do you want a woman that doesn't know what she likes and doesn't know how to please you or do you want someone that knows what she enjoys, is able to tell you and is able to figure out on her own what drives you nuts? I know what I go for every time...

 

Also I am not talking about someone that is wild enough that she slept with the entire basketball team, that's something different.

[Mack05]

Do you want a woman that doesn't know what she likes and doesn't know how to please you or do you want someone that knows what she enjoys, is able to tell you and is able to figure out on her own what drives you nuts? I know what I go for every time....

 

Please, so a girl has to sleep with loads of guys before she knows what to do in bed? Utter nonsense. If casual sex is your thing good luck to you. It's just not everyone's cup of tea..There are people that don't give a monkey's nutsack about someone's past, there are others that do. That is what is great about life, differing opinions. I can only speak for me and the people I know. That opinion is, we would have no interest in settling down with a girl that had a lot of casual sex. Does that make me a bad person? If you google this topic, you will see debates take place all over the web. There are no right or wrongs here.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05

[geegirl]

Do you want a woman that doesn't know what she likes and doesn't know how to please you or do you want someone that knows what she enjoys, is able to tell you and is able to figure out on her own what drives you nuts? I know what I go for every time....

 

If I am reading this right, I certainly disagree with the generalization. You don't have to have a number of partners or sexual encounters to determine which category you fall in.

 

I for one detest one night stands, casual encounters and fwb situations because to ME, it's dangerous, meaningless and self-destructive. In my 40 years, I've never had a one night stand or casual sex. It does not do it for me. So while I may have had very few partners in my life, it doesn't make me a prude nor has it determined or inhibited the way I express myself sexually.

 

A man who has had many partners or casual sexual encounters is not appealing to me. So it goes both ways.

 

Again, just my opinion.

Edited September 20, 2011 by geegirl

[silly_panda]

Yea... Casual sex is not a good way to go... Watch out for extra 'present' that you bring home with you if you do that...

[Daremo_06]

I wasn't really approaching it from the perspective of casual sex, but I see both your points. What I was saying was that when I meet someone, I evaluate that person based on her interaction with me, her personality, obviously her looks, and a whole list of other things and who she might have slept with last never really enters my mind. To me, the character of the person is what really matters.

[Mack05]

I wasn't really approaching it from the perspective of casual sex, but I see both your points. What I was saying was that when I meet someone, I evaluate that person based on her interaction with me, her personality, obviously her looks, and a whole list of other things and who she might have slept with last never really enters my mind. To me, the character of the person is what really matters.

 

Daremo many would agree with you and good on you for knowing who you are and what you want out of life and a partner. For me part of a person's actual character, is how they have respected themselves and treated others in the past. People may judge me and say I don't know how to have fun. That is total and utter nonsense. I went to college, travelled all over the world for years. I have loads of friends/mates in many countries. I am the life and soul of the party. I am first there and last home and I always will be. I am 36 and the youngest at heart 36 year old, that you will ever meet. A great night out for me is laughing and joking with friends (mostly there is beer involved, I admit). I don't think 'living' is sleeping with someone (sometimes drunken one nighters) you hardly know. I don't think 'living' is sleeping with a person who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. In my eyes the OP needs to respect herself more, but I will not judge her for doing things the way she wants to do things.

 

I have behaved with relative class all my life when courting women. I have and always will have MASSIVE respect for women. I truly believe they are the fairer and better sex. I believe that is part of my character that some girls find attractive (others might not give a monkeys). I have never 'easy pumped' (could use a stronger word) a woman in my life and I never will. I look for the same in my partner. To me the best sex you can have is in a loving and committed relationship. I hope she feels special, because I didn't disrespect myself before I met her. I behaved in my past, so that I could be a prize for someone in future (again my opinion). I know what I look for, you know what you look for. Guess what? Neither of us are wrong..

 

PS I know for a fact a woman can be AMAZING in bed, without having many previous partners!!!!

Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05

[geegirl]

I wasn't really approaching it from the perspective of casual sex, but I see both your points. What I was saying was that when I meet someone, I evaluate that person based on her interaction with me, her personality, obviously her looks, and a whole list of other things and who she might have slept with last never really enters my mind. To me, the character of the person is what really matters.

 

Of course. Character of a person is of the utmost importance. And to ME, that also means how you've conducted yourself in the past, sexually. In my opinion, having good character is also having healthy morals and principles. An important "character" value. So, even if I had good connection with someone based on personality, looks, chemistry, it would not be enough because based on how I live my life, I would expect that person to at least have the same views/values as I do and this is a BIG one. I certainly would not find a man attractive if he told me he slept with some woman he met at a bar two weeks ago or if he's had a few random sexual encounters, no matter how well we connected on other matters.

 

Again, maybe I am a little old fashioned, very actually, but to each his own.

Edited September 20, 2011 by geegirl

[Thieves]

I guess it's just hard to understand, because the thing is, he DIDN'T just "walk the walk," so to speak. Like I said in my post, he ditched his friends to hang out with me all the time. He would leave parties to call me and talk to me.

 

Rats. We get it. He ran miles from his house to go see you! He ditched his friends! He left parties 'cause he really wanted to talk to you! And so on. He likes you. That's clear. But you need to know, especially at your age (or our age, since I'm the same as you) that liking someone isn't always enough if they don't have all the actions to back it up. Actions need to match up with their words, too. Because making a promise and not following up on it, is an action itself. He needs to be consistent, not just half the time, but most of the time. Anything else is just half-assing and a waste of time.

 

He ditched his friends to hang with you; but he also asked if you were okay with an open relationship.

He left parties to talk to you; but he also said he 'kind of' wanted to get with you in a few years. Years, Rats!

 

It doesn't matter why the hell he did this, the fact is he's not being consistent.

 

Like, he's too BLUNT to be a liar. He told me a lot of things he didn't have to tell me. It was almost like he was trying to drive me away from the beginning.

No, he's not a liar, you're right about that. Even worse, he's emotionally unavailable. Period.

 

Maybe I'm asking if it's possible that someone could be sooo messed up they would dump someone they really like just because they don't want a relationship. I used to think that wasn't possible. I used to think that if someone really liked you, they would give up their freedom in a heartbeat. Now I'm not so sure.

 

Yep. More than possible. It's not about them being soo messed up. It's about them figuring out what they want, who they are as a person. It doesn't matter if a guy meets his dream girl one day, if he's not ready for a real relationship or he feels he's confused about himself, he's not going to do it. A person wouldn't drop their freedom in a heartbeat if they really liked someone either. Because being with someone doesn't require 'giving up' your freedom. It's not a prison sentence...