Four days ago he said he loved me - now he is on a dating site...

[Fleabitten]

My boyfriend and I have been rocky for a few weeks (very bad fight but no infidelity or anything like that) and finally he broke up with me on Monday (I wanted to fix things but we have both hurt each other a lot).

 

6 weeks ago he wanted to marry me and we lived together, been going out for 1.5 years.

 

Yesterday his profile is on a dating site.

 

What's that all about?? Can anyone really move on that quickly? ((

[Mack05]

My boyfriend and I have been rocky for a few weeks (very bad fight but no infidelity or anything like that) and finally he broke up with me on Monday (I wanted to fix things but we have both hurt each other a lot).

 

6 weeks ago he wanted to marry me and we lived together, been going out for 1.5 years.

 

Yesterday his profile is on a dating site.

 

What's that all about?? Can anyone really move on that quickly? ((

 

Flea it's soooo hard to except that someone we once (thought we) knew is not the person we thought they were. I had my ex tell me I was "the love of her life", four weeks later I'm dumped and she is threatening me with the police if I contact her again. This wasn't the first time either that happened me. Four days after telling me I have the "I cant live without you love", she breaks up with me after an argument because "I love you, but I love me more". I spent weeks going through all this in my head after my breakup, trying to make sense of it all. U know what I realised Flea? It's completely pointless. We will never understand why people do the things they do. You need to stop beating yourself up and you need to stop remunerating about the things he said over and over again and things that happened in the relationship. It's a pointless exercise, which slows down your healing. When u feel yourself thinking negatively about yourself, or focusing fully on him. Stop yourself. Bring all this inwards towards you. Meditation is a great way of doing this as I said previously.

 

I have this feeling you are going to break NC soon, especially now after discovering this. Please Please don't. It will set you back even further. I post this alot but it is really helpful in my opinion. It's the main reasons why we shouldn't break NC.

 

I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

That last line above is key! You will never be compatible with this guy. This relationship is NOT fixable. I don't care if you are having the greatest sex in the world. This guy will never make you happy. A relationship needs so much more then great sex to make it work. You have none of the other attributes to ever make this relationship work. There is no trust, loyalty, respect, empathy, compassion, communication etc etc. This is as toxic a relationship as you will read about on LS. Yet you feel you are losing something. Believe me you are losing out on nothing with this man. Read my thread on addiction again (I posted the link in a previous thread of yours). Here is the deal right here ->

 

"Much of an addicts mental obsession results from denial or refusing to recognize the loss of control that is happening on an emotional level. Avoiding the reality of a situation. In addiction there is almost constant internal conflict between the Self (you acting normally, in control) and the Addict. In this struggle (especially immediately after a breakup) the addict invariably wins. This is what is meant by 'loss of control'. This whole process drains our energy. It causes us not to eat or sleep. To text/email/call continually. When our desperation pleas have not been answered, this can lead to feeling shame, a loss of self respect, self esteem, self confidence, self discipline, self determination, self control, self importance, self love. I know at the end of my relationship "I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse self"

 

Any addictive relationship begins when a person repeatedly seeks the illusion of relief to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations (i.e break ups). This is nurturing through avoidance - an unnatural way of taking care of one's emotional needs. We have an emotional craving and in our minds there is only one person that can satisfy that. Just like in the mind of an alcoholic that a drink can satisfy their needs. There are 2 forms of logic being used here 1) Normal logic and 2) Addictive logic. Normal logic is your friends and family begging you to leave your ex go. That it's for your own good and her good. They are of course right. But we are going through addictive logic, where we say to ourselves my ex HAS to hear this (they don't) or a food addict saying I will eat this pizza and start my diet tomorrow"

 

You need to start the process now about breaking your addiction to this man. I have been there. I have had to break addictions to people and to gambling. I know your pain, I feel your pain. I think some more books that can help you (you can't read enough of these books) are the addictive personality by Craig Nakken and Willpower is not enough. These books and therapy changed my life. Right now Flea you are going down a dark road. You need to stop the self destructive behaviour (blaming yourself/beating yourself up, obsessing, feeling sorry for yourself etc etc etc).

 

Please send me a private message if you ever need to talk. You have hit rock bottom. It's now time to start your climb out of hell. One small step at a time. Family, friends, Loveshackers, you have a support structure that will be with you every step of the way. But when it comes down to it Flea, it all comes down to you...Do you want to continue down this dark road or get your life back? Let today be the start of your recovery...

Edited September 16, 2011 by Mack05

[Fleabitten]

Thank you Mack. I just feel complete despair... I want to get over it, I really want to let go of him but I keep hoping we will get back together although I know its wrong and it will hurt me in the long term. I just wish I could get over that hope.

 

I know he is hurting too but he won't take any time to reflect and I actually think he's gone on that site because he knows I'll find out about it and he thinks it will hurt me more. Any girl who'd want to date or even sleep with someone who just came out of a long relationship (and last slept with their ex 4 days ago) would have to be crazy.

 

Rock bottom it is indeed. I just don't know where to begin to start feeling better. I know I should go out and try to have some fun this weekend but I just want to go home and go to bed and sleep. I'm just trying to accept the pain, and be calm in how much it hurts, knowing that it won't last forever...

[Mack05]

Flea, I know hard it is but try get yourself out this weekend. Anything. A walk, gym, night out. It's key to keep your mind occupied during this 'denial' phase of grief (there are great articles out there on the 5 stages of grief)..Here is a doc I used to help me move on. It was written for a guy, but the same principals apply for a girl.

 

1) Is it really over? Maybe she's testing you? Maybe you're testing her? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months? Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad. "You need to talk about it," says Kate Taylor, relationship expert at match.com. "But not to her. Repeat, not to her."

 

2) Chat to girls. But not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says Taylor. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open." That's a good thing, apparently.

 

3) Clean her out. We don't mean financially. We mean, clean her out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of her from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again."If the whole place reminds you of her, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says Taylor. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is," she adds, unhelpfully. This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood

 

4) Get Fit. Breaking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general. In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym on those occasions when you used to see her, which can be the most maudlin times of all. "Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says Taylor. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive women." This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied babes will at least make you realise that - wonderful though she was... is.... whatever - she isn't the only girl in the world.

 

5) Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex. And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other women... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet

 

6) Get ahead work wise. One way to squeeze thoughts of her out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event. "Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says Taylor. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, she'll want me back' - this will be short lived."As time passes, you'll enjo the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

 

7) Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see her, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.

 

8) Do the things she hates. No, not ringing her repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening her goldfish - these things will get you a court order. Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but she hated, just to prove that life without her won't be all bad. For example, if she loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if she was with you. In the same vein, watch favourite films you know she didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars she preferred, and wear the jeans you love but she turned her nose up at.

 

9) In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above)."Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says Taylor. And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as girlfriends come and go. Slowly but surely, get back in the game...Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too."It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says Taylor.

 

10) And by the time you're thinking about other women, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!

[Besmy]

So dear Fleabitten,

 

I gather we are still talking about your ex from your previous thread.

 

The one who said that you were

"bad in bed, fat, old, mental"

 

That's a nice guy to marry eh!

 

Look, Mack05 is being fantastic here in providing his support to you.

He is absolutely right, his advices are gold and you should follow them through.

Your ex has updated his profile online? Yeah, whatever! He hoped that you would find out and be jealous and guess what, he was right. Pity though!

 

I tell you something about men's pride, their need for attention and online dating although I don't use online dating myself, I rather screen the candidates in person...

 

When I met my ex the despicable sloth he had already subscribed a couple of online dating agencies because he had apparently been looking for the right girl for a while (meanwhile we know what happened when he found her...).

 

One day he was with me at my place and, since I was online on MY PC, he asked me whether he could check something. Fine, no problem, and guess what, he opens his page of an online dating agency and shows me with great pride all e-mails / contacts received from other women.

How do you think I reacted?? Angry? Emotional?

Nope!

I had a quick look and said, "and these sI.uts were my "competitors"? Do me the favour!"

He was very disappointed. He had hoped to make me jealous and angry while I refused to take him or these women seriously.

So much for online dating.

Men sometimes (often actually) seek attention.

From their female friends, ex, cats, dogs, greys, from just about anyone.

We know already that your ex is a .... how can we put it? "peculiar person" and he is definitely trying to make you jealous. You told us everything in your previous thread.

 

It's just that you should learn not to care about it. He will update every profile to annoy you, he seems to be one of those persons who will pester their ex if they can.

 

It's up to you not to allow him to bother you any more - directly or indirectly - and to get back in control of your life.

 

A big hug

[Buttercup84]

My ex had his dating profile on stand by for the two years we were together . I think men like them are pathetic. They can't be alone and need constant female attention to feel good about themself . Be the better person and stay single until you meet a great man . Men like him will never experience love to it's fullest . Xx

[Fleabitten]

I'm trying to do the right things for me. Thank you for your support. I wish I could be angry in a distant and proud way instead of just so terribly sad.

[Snarks025]

See my post, that I just made.....I am in the same boat as you!

 

My girlfriend of a year broke up with me via text two weeks ago and is now on match.com.....That hit me even harder than the breakup. I feel your pain!

[lonelynyc]

My ex and I were together one week, very passionate and in love, despite the pretty severe problems we were having in our relationship, and the next week she was on a dating site. So yes, it happens. I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but it's unlikely that he is completely "over" you in 4 days time.

 

I feel your pain, I was devastated for about 2 weeks. Just sick to my stomach, I couldn't enjoy a single thing in my life. Tellingly, a few weeks later, I met with my ex (at her suggestion) and she told me about how depressed she was, that her feelings for me hadn't disappeared... Of course, we're not back together again. We're not even in contact now. And that's the way it should be, even though it hurts some days. You said that you and your ex hurt each other a great deal. If the dysfunction outweighed the positive aspects of the relationship, it's probably, in the end, a good thing it's over.

 

My point is, even though we imagine our ex's are living the high life as single people while we're left to endure immense sadness, it's more likely they're struggling with pain too.

[Fleabitten]

Thank you everyone, nice to know it's not just me.

 

He texted me in the middle of the night to boast about getting off with some girl (true or not, I don't know) - clearly wants to hurt me. Also emailed links to videos of songs - not sure why.

 

I'm staying No Contact since I last saw him Tuesday morning and it clearly infuriates him.

[country_gurl]

I'm curious; how would you even KNOW he has a profile on a dating site?

[Fleabitten]

I'm curious; how would you even KNOW he has a profile on a dating site?

 

Because my friend is on the same site and saw it. What does it matter how I know anyway...? I'm not on a dating site, if that's what you are trying to imply

[country_gurl]

Because my friend is on the same site and saw it. What does it matter how I know anyway...? I'm not on a dating site, if that's what you are trying to imply

 

I wasn't trying to imply anything. I just thought it was strange that after a person's long term relationship ended so recently, their ex would happen to come across their dating profile; particularly when there are dozens of dating sites out there. The odds of a friend happening to come across it just seem rather low/coincidental?

 

Sometimes couples get busted by their partner for having a dating profile, then the other creates one in retaliation and it all goes to hell in a handbag. Considering your ex is the one who ended things with you, it just seems strange to me that he's so angry at you and is going to such lengths to 'stick it to you'. Sorry but it makes me think there might be more to the story; that you did something or he THINKS you did something that p*ssed him off enough to break-up.

 

Why, if he was the one to break-up with you, do you think he's trying to hurt you like he is?

[Fleabitten]

I wasn't trying to imply anything. I just thought it was strange that after a person's long term relationship ended so recently, their ex would happen to come across their dating profile; particularly when there are dozens of dating sites out there. The odds of a friend happening to come across it just seem rather low/coincidental?

 

Sometimes couples get busted by their partner for having a dating profile, then the other creates one in retaliation and it all goes to hell in a handbag. Considering your ex is the one who ended things with you, it just seems strange to me that he's so angry at you and is going to such lengths to 'stick it to you'. Sorry but it makes me think there might be more to the story; that you did something or he THINKS you did something that p*ssed him off enough to break-up.

 

Why, if he was the one to break-up with you, do you think he's trying to hurt you like he is?

 

I live in the UK - there are 2 or 3 dating sites that are used by "our demographic" - don't know where you're from but it might be different there. He said he loved me earlier this week so I wouldn't say we are over each other emotionally, despite knowing that we can never work together. I've done bad things to him too - I called the police on him. This is one incident after he kicked in my front windows, my lap top, my iphone, my tv, so I after he left after another abusive incident because I was f*cking scared. I still shouldn't have called the police though because it escalated things to a terrible level. I'm not innocent by any means. He is doing everything he can to hurt me, because in his mind I've hurt him more than he's hurt me. He thinks he's just guilty of "having a bit of a temper".

 

I'm not innocent but having been called every name under the sun, including ugly, fat, mental, bad in bed, old bitch, does take its toll... but you're right, it could very well all be my fault for making him say and do those things. I don't know.

[Fleabitten]

And yes, he certainly thinks I've cheated on him. I haven't. He, however, texted me on Friday to inform me that he'd "got off with someone else".

 

I've never cheated on anyone in my life, he has cheated on two previous partners, I've never even been flirtatious with anybody else.

 

But I don't know anything anymore, so when you put it like this, I'm sure its entirely possible that I drove him to it.

[country_gurl]

And yes, he certainly thinks I've cheated on him. I haven't. He, however, texted me on Friday to inform me that he'd "got off with someone else".

 

I've never cheated on anyone in my life, he has cheated on two previous partners, I've never even been flirtatious with anybody else.

 

But I don't know anything anymore, so when you put it like this, I'm sure its entirely possible that I drove him to it.

 

Whoa, nobody is saying that you 'drove him' to do anything or that anything is necessarily your fault. I'm just trying to understand what took place such that one day he's professing his love to you then 4 days later he's ended things and is being a filthy, cruel horse's arse. Only you were there and know the details. Whatever they are, it doesn't justify what he's doing but readers are generally better able to provide more helpful support and responses if more of the full picture is shared.

 

Why do you think he thinks that you've cheated? Did he claim it was something that you'd done? said? He must have explained to you WHY he thought you had cheated?

[Fleabitten]

Probably because we'd had fights so he wasn't with me every night to know

 

He goes out on the lash every night pretty much, with single

predatory friends, and plays in bands where there is constantly adoring females of a much younger age than me. I just work late and then go and ride my two horses (my time-consuming hobby is show jumping). I have something like 2 people I've ever slept with on my Facebook, he has probably 15. (yeah, it bothered me). He's 5 years younger than me and by his own account infinitely more attractive and better in bed.

 

There isn't much left of me now and I certainly would never, even when I was actually attractive, ever have been unfaithful to anyone. Jealousy is what you imagine people doing based on your worst fear. I do it too, god knows...