Not sure what to think about this situation

[AH1990]

Hey Guys,

 

long time lurker here. I'm in a little bit of a pickle here, so hopefully I can get some opinions on my situation. Bit of a long read. So thanks to anyone who voices their opinion.

Here we go!:

 

Everyday after work I go into our local coffee shop and get a coffee on my way home. I usually see the same girl working there all the time. At first I kinda thought

she was flirting with me, but couldn't be so sure about that. Fast forward about 2 months of seeing her and she writes her number on my cup and wants me to text her.

Kinda put a shock into me. This girl was gorgeous! So I went for it! Found out she just turned 18 in may and graduated high school. Me, I'm 20 and just graduated college, but I look

like I'm about 17.

 

I should add that I just got out of a 5yr relationship in November (she ended it). So with this girl I kinda played it cool. I never rebounded with anyone. Just stayed single

and tried to get my life back into shape (gym, hobbies).

 

Anyways, me and this girl go out on about 3 dates. One day she comes over to my house (I just bought my own house, don't live with my parents anymore), and we watch a few movies and play some boardgames.

She leaves at about 2am and goes home cause she has to work the next day. All through that night we were flirting and playing with each other.

Couple weeks later she comes over again and this time she stays over at my place. Me being the gentlemen, I let her sleep in my bed and

I take the couch. So we get ready for bed and she seems a little bit too flirty. Like she wants me to stay in my bed with her. I fall asleep on the couch and wake up at 5am (my brain is kinda wired for that).

I go into my room and grab my phone to turn off the alarm and she wakes up. We start talking, then she tells me to come sleep in my bed because it's really comfy. So that's just what I do. I slept on one

side of the bed and she took the other side. Half way through the night I feel her rubbing my hand and playing with it (I'm laying on my side). She then takes my hand and grabs it and wraps it around her

body. Doesn't even say a word. I figured that was the cue, so i cuddled up right next to her. Fell back asleep and woke up at 11am.

 

After the next few days pass I remember she wasn't fully being herself. Kinda going from talking non-stop to light talking. So I asked her out on a formal date (movie and dinner). She accepted, but her

reply just seemed a little hesitant. I knew something was up. So I just came out and asked her if she was on the same page as me (does she only see me as a friend). She asked me the same question when we first

started talking. And I told her that I did like her and seen her as more than a friend. Her answer to my question was that she really liked me but she just got out of a 2 year relationship a few months ago and

that she needed some time. Basically her telling me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

Now I'm the kinda guy that doesn't put my life on hold for nobody. I'm not an option, nor am I plan B. I either give the girl I like 100% of me or nothing. My response to her was polite, I thanked her for telling

me. I told her to do whatever it is she has to do. I told her that I wasn't going to be her rebound from her ex. She came right back with saying "I don't use guys for rebounds".

The next day I never initiated a conversation with her and she texted me at lunch time and said "I guess I'm not good enough to talk to anymore".

Kinda caught me off guard. I explained to her my situation and told her how I felt about me not being an option. Next day I go into her work and just miss seeing her by about 30min. She then texts me to ask

if I'm trying to avoide seeing her. Then she asks me If I'm going to come back into her work to go and see her. She got kinda sad when I said we shouldn't talk anymore because of what is happening. She needs

to get her life back in place. After suggesting that she seemed really sad. So I thought, what the hell, I'll be her friend, I won't push anything, just go back to what I was doing before I met her.

 

This all happened about 2-3months ago. When we first started talking she would always ask me to come camping with her or come visit her. Now she tells me that she gets this whole week off from work and

she want's to do someting with me, she didn't think we were going to stop seeing each other.

 

 

So my question to you guys is: What the hell is going through this girls mind? Why is she acting like this? A couple of my friends have told me that she is actually starting to like me and doesn't want to

ruin any chance she has with me by using me as a rebound.

 

I really don't know what way to look at this.

 

 

As a side note, I should say that we never kissed, had sex or anything along those lines. I have enough respect for this girl that I'd rather get to know her first before I went down that road.

[ShatteredReality]

Sounds like she really likes you and is getting attached. It's easy to say that you need time and you need space...and it's hard to recognize when you've had enough of both until suddenly you find the person that makes you not want it anymore. She's bound to be scared of a new relationship after a bad break up in the last one...but if this is going to happen somewhat naturally then let it.

[AH1990]

Thanks ShatteredReality! It's kinda starting to make sense now. Looking back, had I been in the same situation as her, I probably would have done the same thing.

 

I remember her saying to me something along the lines of : "trust me, you don't want to be with me now and deal with all the **** I'm going through."

(she seen her ex at a party and ended up screaming at him). I never asked why, wasn't really my place to know at that time.

 

I guess she actually wants to be over her breakup entirely before she commits to me. She definitely earns a point for doing that.

 

So my next move is......nothing really. I just let her come to me?

[AH1990]

Just thought I'd do a quick update. I ended up talking to her on Wednesday, just light chatting. She said earlier that week that she was free to do something with me, so I just told her to let me know what she wants to do.

 

I talked to her that night and asked her if she wanted to do something, she told me she was busy. I just said 'that's ok'. Instantly she thought something was wrong and started to ask me If I was mad with her.

 

Friday night comes along and she texts me at 12:30am (so I guess saturday morning), asking me what I'm up to ( I told her I was at a friends house). We exchanged a few more messages, kinda flirty, then here's the kicker. Shes asks me if my friend is a guy or girl!?!?!?! It didn't piss me off that she asked that, just seemed kinda weird. I never ask her anything like that! So I told her that my friend was a girl (which was true). Boy oh boy she seemed jealous! Then she says she was asking me just because ( I kinda find that hard to believe). I didn't bother to tell her that I met my friend in college and that she was getting married soon, and moving to Florida.

 

One day this girl is extremely hot! She'll start texting me right when I get up for work (7:00am). Other days....nothing.

 

It's almost like she's just tugging on the leash to see if I'm still there.

 

I know it's easy for me to say this because I already got over my ex; but while some people are holding onto their old memories, other people are making new ones.

[ShatteredReality]

J

I know it's easy for me to say this because I already got over my ex; but while some people are holding onto their old memories, other people are making new ones.

 

So true! Well it sounds like she wants to make sure you're an option without having to make the commitment. You can either press the matter or take it easy and let it just sort of happen. I know there's risk in either - but honestly, there's risk in any relationship no matter what!

[AH1990]

So true! Well it sounds like she wants to make sure you're an option without having to make the commitment. You can either press the matter or take it easy and let it just sort of happen. I know there's risk in either - but honestly, there's risk in any relationship no matter what!

 

 

Asking her to go out again could either go two ways. It's almost like a 50/50 chance. I could be seen as a pest, and that guy that just sits around waiting for her. Or she could actually say yes and want to spend time with me.

 

Another situation was last night, we were talking and she said she was tired, so I told her that I would let her go to bed. She then said "I won't be falling asleep for a while. We can keep talkin, unless you don't want to talk anymore". To which I told her that I always want to talk to her (maybe not the smartest thing to say). She then starts asking me how come I always want to talk to her. She obviously knows, she's not stupid!

 

It's just the mind games that are getting to me. One day I picked her up from work and went to her house. Talked with her family for a bit, then we went into her room and played on her laptop. First thing that I see when she opens up her laptop is a picture of her at her graduation with what looked like her ex. My heart kinda stopped when I seen that! I didn't say anything and just kept it to myself. She obviously knew it was on there, and she wasn't trying to hide it at all.

 

 

I can definitely say I'm not this girls emotional tampon! But the one thing that I should have asked her from the get go was that if she wasn't over her ex, why did she give me her number. Females definitely are confusing!

[thatone]

look man, i can tell you from experience by observing my gay sister...

 

two women acting like women in the same relationship never works out. nothing ever gets resolved. so stop acting like one.

 

she made it blatantly obvious that she wanted sex from you and you didn't give it to her. then you go off and give her some sort of relationship ultimatum after she had been at your house ONE TIME. the reason she's acting like she is is because you're acting like an indecisive woman and while that might be mildly entertaining for the casual observer like me, for the two of you it's ridiculous.

 

she told you that she ended her last relationship damn near a year ago. one of two things applies...

 

a) she is lying

b) she is telling the truth

 

either way, she offered you sex and you didn't take it. if the answer was option A, so what, it isn't your fault. if the answer was option B, there's nothing to worry about. her saying something about 'not being over the ex' was just a knee-jerk self defense mechanism because you didn't screw her senseless. she is now indecisive about you because you didn't take her up on the sex offer, so she doesn't know if you're really attracted to her or not.

 

you caused this. the lesson learned is that doing what you think women want by what they tell you will get you NOWHERE. stop believing all of the bullsh*t you read and hear about women and relationships, when a woman you're attracted to wants to get laid after 3 dates, give it to her.

Edited September 13, 2011 by thatone

[AH1990]

she made it blatantly obvious that she wanted sex from you and you didn't give it to her. then you go off and give her some sort of relationship ultimatum after she had been at your house ONE TIME.

 

She was actually at my house twice before that happened. She has been to my house twice, we went out for lunch three times, out for dinner twice and I've been to her house twice.

 

 

she told you that she ended her last relationship damn near a year ago. one of two things applies...

 

a) she is lying

b) she is telling the truth

 

She ended that relationship in late June and gave me her number middle of July. So I guess you can say not even a month.

 

 

 

either way, she offered you sex and you didn't take it. if the answer was option A, so what, it isn't your fault. if the answer was option B, there's nothing to worry about. her saying something about 'not being over the ex' was just a knee-jerk self defense mechanism because you didn't screw her senseless. she is now indecisive about you because you didn't take her up on the sex offer, so she doesn't know if you're really attracted to her or not.

 

I have been with two girls since my last long term relationship ended. I can tell you this, those two girls were completely different. One girl wanted it within a week of us 'dating'. The other girl took well over a month in order for that to happen.

 

And she very much knows I like her. I have made it quite obvious. All the times we went out to dinner, to lunch, to my house, even suggesting sleeping at my house was all on me!

 

 

To me there's no fun in being with a girl if she is going to throw herself at you within the 3rd date. I like a girl who is a challenge, and hard to get at. Not a soccer net that's wide open!

[thatone]

then why didn't you just tell her that and let her make a decision about whether she was ok with that or not?

 

like 99.999% of the other threads around here, your lack of communication and miscommunication has created this mess.

[make me believe]

It's almost like she's just tugging on the leash to see if I'm still there.

 

This is exactly what she's doing. She's playing stupid games with you because she wants attention. You're probably not the only guy she's doing this crap with. This isn't going to go anywhere.. She knows you like her, if she wanted a relationship with you she would make it happen. But she doesn't want a relationship, she just wants guys around her who will give her attention & feed her ego.

[AH1990]

This is exactly what she's doing. She's playing stupid games with you because she wants attention. You're probably not the only guy she's doing this crap with. This isn't going to go anywhere.. She knows you like her, if she wanted a relationship with you she would make it happen. But she doesn't want a relationship, she just wants guys around her who will give her attention & feed her ego.

 

 

I can understand that. But usually girls that are like that have a certain personality to them. They just suck the tit of the person and suck everything out of them until there is nothing left. Those girls carry certain traits with them. And from the looks of this girl, she doesn't have them. And I have encountered girls like that before!

 

I have went almost 4 days without talking to this girl. And all the conversations that we have had within the past few months have all been initiated on her. She knows I like her, but at the same time, knows I'm not available all the time.

 

Even if she was just toying with me and feeding her ego, why go from giving me everything and majorly flirting with me and playing with my hair and falling asleep on me, to what she's doing now?

[Art_Critic]

It sounds to me that she is using you as her emotional tampon.

She should be either in or out and since she just broke up with someone you are replacing what she got from him emotionally

 

I think you should've made a move on her when you had the chance.. You might have been able to turn it around now??? Who knows... Make a play for her and let that be your gauge

[thatone]

I can understand that. But usually girls that are like that have a certain personality to them. They just suck the tit of the person and suck everything out of them until there is nothing left. Those girls carry certain traits with them. And from the looks of this girl, she doesn't have them. And I have encountered girls like that before!

 

I have went almost 4 days without talking to this girl. And all the conversations that we have had within the past few months have all been initiated on her. She knows I like her, but at the same time, knows I'm not available all the time.

 

Even if she was just toying with me and feeding her ego, why go from giving me everything and majorly flirting with me and playing with my hair and falling asleep on me, to what she's doing now?

 

because she offered you sex and you didn't take it, but didn't give her an explanation.

 

put yourself in her shoes, she's probably confused as hell about you.

[LadyWriter]

It's almost like she's just tugging on the leash to see if I'm still there.

 

It sounds to me like that's exactly what she's doing. She also seems a little immature. Kudos to you for not taking advantage of the sleep-over situation, eventhough it seems like she may have wanted you to. That shows me your obviously more mature and grounded than she is. She may genuinely want something more with you, but she's got some hurdles to get through first.

[AH1990]

because she offered you sex and you didn't take it, but didn't give her an explanation.

 

put yourself in her shoes, she's probably confused as hell about you.

 

Good point! I can definitely say though that the next morning when we both woke up she seemed a little bit nervous. Like maybe she did something wrong. But she still wanted to cuddle together for a bit.

 

I didn't give her an explanation at all. But she managed to tell me that she's not ready to be in a relationship yet. And she told me that she doesn't want me to deal with all the stuff she is going through. I have to give her credit for at least telling the truth.

 

I still remember when we first went out she said "well if its a date you can come pick me up :)".

 

 

It sounds to me like that's exactly what she's doing. She also seems a little immature. Kudos to you for not taking advantage of the sleep-over situation, eventhough it seems like she may have wanted you to. That shows me your obviously more mature and grounded than she is. She may genuinely want something more with you, but she's got some hurdles to get through first.

 

 

I get the feeling she wanted to, and she didn't want to. From what I hear is that she is not an easy girl. Even if she was, I probably wouldn't have went for it.

 

Like I said, I have to give her credit for at least being honest with me about this. Had I found this out and we were actually a 'couple', I probably would have bailed and called it off. I'm not a rebound to anyone, and she knows this. Maybe she knew she wasn't over her ex and didn't want to be with me right away before she was fully over him, thus ruining her chances of being with me. I even remember her saying that she was starting to feel the butterflies again when we would hang out.

 

 

As an update: We talked all day, just very light talking. Kinda poking fun at each other. Then she made plans with me on Wednesday. She later said that she might be going over to her friends house for a jewelry party that day and wanted to know if we can do something Thursday. Obviously I said yes.

 

 

Curious how I should play this one out? Suggestions as to where to go? What to say to her? Everyone has been pretty helpful so far. Appreciate it!!!!

[AH1990]

Well, I feel this is going to be the last update. We talk to each other on BBM, and this morning her name has someone initials with a heart next to it. I asked her what that meant and she told me she wasn't single anymore. Here's the conversation:

 

Me: What does ** mean?

 

Her: Ummm I'm not single anymore lol

 

Me: Ohhh

 

Her: Yeah lol

 

Her: That bad

 

Me: For you, no. For me, yeah

 

Her: Why for you?

 

Me: Why do you think?

 

Her: You weren't even trying. I thought that you just wanted to be good friends because you weren't even trying anything.

 

Me: The reason why I backed off was because of what you told me was going on with your ex. So I backed off to let you sort all that out. Usually I don't text girls that give me their number just to be good friends and usually I don't cuddle girls in my own bed just to be friends

 

Her: I'm sorry. I guess we don't have to be friends anymore?? And I guess we won't talk anymore? And I told you that was a mistake!

 

Her: Please don't be mad at me?? I'm really happy and I still want to talk to you. I don't want to delete you out of my life!

 

Me: I'm not mad at you. It takes a lot for me to be mad at someone. But we can't be friends anymore. It will make things way to complicated for me.

 

Her: Ok

 

Me: So good luck with everything. Guess I'll see you around

 

 

Did she really think that after telling me what she was going through that I was just going to keep on pursuing as much as I was before? F**K! If I did to her what she did to me, I wouldn't expect the girl to keep chasing after me!

 

Well, movin on now haha

[Art_Critic]

Well, movin on now haha

 

that's the attitude.. because honestly it seems she had someone else on the hook too and to her it was all about who closed the deal first to who she became their next GF...

 

She seems to move from one relationship to another and most likely if you had gotten together it wouldn't have been something that you would have wanted..

[AH1990]

that's the attitude.. because honestly it seems she had someone else on the hook too and to her it was all about who closed the deal first to who she became their next GF...

 

She seems to move from one relationship to another and most likely if you had gotten together it wouldn't have been something that you would have wanted..

 

I still think she's hung up over her previous relationship. Which is one of the main reasons why I didn't chase after her.

 

I gotta say though that the times I was with her were pretty fun. But now, that's just another memory. Nothing more.

[iJester]

You should've ****ed her when she was begging for it. Don't be so nice. Never offer to take the couch; she can share the bed or she can leave.

[AH1990]

Here comes another update:

 

Her: Wow really grow up? Delete me off bbm hey? Sweet...

 

Me: You know why I did it. And I told you why I won't be talking to you anymore

 

Her: Wow might wanna find a new coffee shop too peace

 

Me: You obviously don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. If you were in my position and I did to you what you did to me, you would do the same thing. I'm not being immature, I'm not being a dick, and I was nothing but nice to you the whole time

 

 

 

My question: Why care? You have a boyfriend!!!!! Worry about him, not me!

[ShatteredReality]

I might go the extra step of finding a different coffee shop - at first I was going to say don't let her tell you where to go for your coffee...but if she's in tight with her coworkers and she speaks badly of you to them you don't know what they'll do to your coffee!!

 

It's too bad she's being so immature about this...you didn't want constant updates about the goings on with her and some other dude...deleting her didn't mean you hated her or were mad...why do ppl take that crap so personally???

[AH1990]

I might go the extra step of finding a different coffee shop - at first I was going to say don't let her tell you where to go for your coffee...but if she's in tight with her coworkers and she speaks badly of you to them you don't know what they'll do to your coffee!!

 

It's too bad she's being so immature about this...you didn't want constant updates about the goings on with her and some other dude...deleting her didn't mean you hated her or were mad...why do ppl take that crap so personally???

 

 

Exactly my point! I'm not being immature about this. She has a boyfriend and that is completely disrespectful to him If I keep talking to her.

 

This exact same scenario happened to me when I was 16. We both came on strong to each other, then she starting going out with someone else and I basically just said goodbye. She then was pissed off at me and didn't talk to me. Low and behold 2 weeks later she starts calling me, texting me, getting her friends to text me. By that time I already found a different girl.

 

Soon enough she'll see why I did what I did. And I'm not going to stop going into that coffee shop. If I see her in there all I'm going to do is just say hi. That was my plan from the beginning. Just don't expect me to be your fun buddy while you have a boyfriend. If I did to some girl what she did to me, I would expect her to react the same way. I wouldn't expect her to chase me at all. She said she needed time....Well how the hell am I suppose to know how much time you need????

 

It's almost like she wanted me to stay and still be friends with her so that when this guy fails, she can come to me right after.

[AH1990]

Well, went into her work to get a coffee. Walked in and she seen me, she then instantly walked into the employee room and didn't come out at all.

 

This whole situation is just messed up. Deleting her off BBM doesn't mean I hate her at all!!! Your exactly right! I only did it because I don't need to see constant updates between her and her new bf.

[ShatteredReality]

I'd say let her run her immature course on this thing and just try your hardest not to let it bother you too much. You're probably lucky not to be the guy putting up with how emotional she probably is right now - honestly. It sounds like she wasn't ready to move on and she was desperately looking for a rebound distraction from the last relationship - she's mad you didn't comply.

[AH1990]

I'd say let her run her immature course on this thing and just try your hardest not to let it bother you too much. You're probably lucky not to be the guy putting up with how emotional she probably is right now - honestly. It sounds like she wasn't ready to move on and she was desperately looking for a rebound distraction from the last relationship - she's mad you didn't comply.

 

 

I'm really trying my hardest not to let it bother me. Seems like it's bothering her more than me.

 

I do believe you're right about how emotional she is. All I would see on her BBM was constant updates of how she isn't over her ex and pictures of them together and this and that. That's one of the main reasons why I wasn't chasing her. You can't try and be searching for a new relationship while your still holding onto memories about your past. All that is going to do is just damage your future even more and cause more suffering because the person your going to end up rebounding with is going to feel like **** because of it.

 

 

Also, there is people in my life that I just can't stand!!!! But I still try to put on the nice face and talk to them when I see them. Only reason why I do that is because I don't have feelings for them. I ran into my ex 2-3 months ago at the movies and she seen me and basically walked the other way. I obviously made a point in going to say hi to her. And the trembles in her body were more then obvious. Sometimes I don't understand peoples motives in life.

Edited September 16, 2011 by AH1990