Ms.Jade Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I'm a little confused about continuing to pursue this guy that I've been dating for a couple of months.He seem like he's a really nice guy and we've hung out and talked lots of times but last night while on a date he broke it to me that he is a felon and had some trouble with the law in his distant past as he put it. He claims these are things that happened in his teens and early 20's. He's now 27 and is trying to change his life around but he says it's hard because of his record. It's hard for him to find a decent job because of his felony and In a lot of ways I feel sorry for him but his past really worries me for some reason. He didn't go into details about why he was in prison, he just told me that he got involved with the wrong people and made stupid decisions as a young man. The only jobs he's able to find are mediocre jobs working at fast food places or supermarkets, nothing really to help support himself and he lives in a ghetto shabby apartment complex barely making it. Like I said, I feel sorry for him but life will be hard trying to get serious with a felon.. I really like that guy but I'm confused. I'm also wondering why he didn't go into much detail about his conviction.. I think I need to leave this one alone..
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 If you are really interested in this man, just ask him. Be prepared that you might not like the answer but he was honest enough to tell you about his past despite not having to. I say give the guy a shot. I do think people can change. Especially when it's stuff done in our teens or early 20s.
FitChick Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Seems to me there should be a way to check this out -- public records? If he was really young, I think his record can be expunged after a certain period of time. You need to know what he did -- domestic abuse, rape, robbery -- you don't want to become a victim yourself. Besides that, do you really want to get involved with someone who can't get a job? You'd be supporting him because you feel sorry for him. Not the best start or basis for a relationship.
zengirl Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 One of my good friends was in the same situation for a long time. He was convicted and was in jail for a few months total -- most of the time was waived, but it still affected him a lot -- for driving the getaway car for a robbery. He actually had NO IDEA a robbery was even happening, he just had bad friends, and by the time he realized it, it was mid-robbery. Later, he got a decent deal because the cops and prosecutors involved realized he was a good kid in a bad situation, so he only spent a few months in jail pre-trial and they suspended the rest of his sentence. But it still was on his record. He worked similar jobs for a long time and had a real hard time. Luckily, a few of our friends were able to break him into the IT field, and now he's actually in college and has been working in IT for about 3 years. He's great with computers, thankfully, and now that he's in the field and they know he can be trusted (he has some of the best references I've ever seen -- no one works harder), he's probably fine, though I'm sure it's nerve-wracking with the economy the way it is sometimes. Having known him, where he is NOW, with his college degree almost complete and a decent job and having recovered from his past, would I date someone like that? Eh, maybe. It's harder for me because of what I want to do (and your spouse is a reflection on you) with my life and all the background checks I need to get. I also might want to work overseas again, and you can't do that if they have a record in many cases. So, it'd depend how much I liked him overall. (This particular friend isn't attractive to me at all, but it's not because he has a record. I didn't think he was attractive before I knew his story. Plus, he's an ex's old roommate.) In the case of what you described, would I date such a man? Absolutely no. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but he's not the kind of man I want to marry because of the factors working against him and the lack of education and career and so forth; I would find it frustrating to constantly be with someone in that situation potentially forever. Whether he's the kind of man you want to be with is up to you. I told the story of my friend to illustrate that someone can be a really good person, be young and stupid, not be able to get their record expunged (usually not as likely to be given to folks from lower socio-economic statuses), and so forth. For me, a criminal record would be a dealbreaker.
Cypress25 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 If he won't tell you, look it up. Every state has public records online that allow you to do a case search for the person's name. Just Google "California public records" (or wherever you live) to find the website. Of course, if this happened before he turned 18, you won't find it.
D-Lish Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I was really close friends with a guy growing up, and in our early 20's he beat the crap out of another guy that was harrassing his gf at a party we were all at. He warned him several times, but the other guy was a total jackass and my friend shoved him- the other guy shoved back, and unfortunately he got the crap beat out of him. The guy pressed charges and my friend went to jail for 6 months. I think he was 21 at the time. He's never been in trouble since then, and he's now married to that girl with 2 children. That was 20 years ago. Sometimes people do stupid things when they are young. I was a super bad teenager- and I outgrew it. I'd say ask him what he did. If he mentioned he "fell in with the wrong people" that could be a drug conviction, who knows. I'd let him know that you'd like him to be completely honest about the conviction. If you like him, you don't have to give up just yet.
Nexus One Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I was a super bad teenager- and I outgrew it. Tell us more.
D-Lish Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Tell us more. Haha, I never got arrested:lmao: I did once start a bench clearing brawl during my baseball playoffs when I was 16. Hey, the girl took a swing at me after I tagged her out at second (she missed) and I beat her up in between second and third base:lmao: Both benches cleared and even both coaches got into a shoving match. The point being- people change, I'd never do anything like that now:rolleyes:
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