Lofty2 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I am going through awful heart-wringing, chest-puncturing pain and emotions as my love has left me. We were togther for 5 years and are both now 30. Without delving into his magnetic qualities (and there were many deeply magnetzing things about him), I know you will understand if I tell you he was the most wonderous love of my life and I fear I will never find that level of connection and feelings of be 'intimately met' and accepted by another. It's been 3 months since he left me. I was the weak. broken one. I still am, although it's been so long since I have had contact with him I don't know his state of mind. As much as I keep longing that he's feeling weak too, the fact he hasn't made any effort of contacting me speaks volumes. This has left me bereft. I have been flopping in and out of the real world for 3 months now. Yes, i have been weak and have tried to make contact on several occasions the last being 6 weeks ago. I was rebuffed and know I canot do that to myself again. I've got a long long way to go before I'm out the woods and feel like me again and I wanted to share with all you Loveshackers who are trying to re-align their broken hearts, something I read and has helped me find some inner peace and strength. This was from a book called 'The Wisdom of a Broken Heart' by Susan Piver. This book is my guiding friend during this painful part of my life. The part I have found truly useful says is called 'Act Like A Queen'. It says: 'When your heart is broken, acting like a Queen may not be the first thing you think of. Especially when it comes to relationship heartbreak you're more likely to act like a brute or a slave. These are not good archtypes to employ when your heart is aching. It may seem like a good idea to call his boss and make accusations/threats (brute) and the next day call him and beg to be taken back (slave) - but believe me these are not good ideas. Living with a broken heart, you can learn to be like a Queen. The conditions are ripe for leaning into your elegance rather than despair. You can see that beneath your sorrow is aristocratic generosity and sensitivity and you feel this loss so painfully because your heart is rich and full with love. And that love is in YOU, not put there by him, although it perhaps took him to help you feel it. When heartbroken you need to guard against your own views. When our heart is broken, all you can see is a worthless, unattractive, undeserving loser - the opposite of a Queen. The following Queenly qualities have helped me. I think of them in the morning and have bought a portrait of a woman (I'm not into art at all ) who I believe possess these qualities. I look to her each day and imagine I am her knowing that. 1 - A Queen knows who she is She is not confused by what others may think of her. She knows her own mind and no matter how much praise or blame she receives, she is unswayed by either. She knows how to return to centre. 2 - A Queen does not explain, nor does she complain She has few true confidants. She doesn't make excuses or commiserate. While it can be very helpful to tell your story to the right person, spilling it indiscriminately arouses an atmosphere of chaos and victimisation. Like a Queen, choose who you speak to very very carefully. When you're out and about and are tempted to explain or complain to friends or strangers, think of Queen Elizabeth as played by Helen Mirren. Can you imagine her whininh? Connect with your inner Helen Mirren. 3 - A Queen does not attack, she magnetizes In our culture, both men and women are told that they way to get something you want is to go after it and don't let anything stop you. This may suit a King, but it's a bit different for a Queen. She knows that the best strategy is not to chase what she wants, but to compel it to come to her through her sense of richness and dignity. (Note from Lofty2 - there's then a few sentences on meditation, which works for me but I've left it out as some readers may not agree) 4 - A Queen's surroundings are impeccable OK - so she has handmaidens to hang up her clothes and do the vacuuming. Still when it comes to a genuine Queen, it's hard to imagine that, left to her own devices she'd immediately start wearing track suit bottoms and allowing dirty dishes to pile up in the sink - things that are very easy to do when you're in a funk. However, no matter how slovenly and icky you feel on the inside, it's important to prevent thise from seeping into your environment. The way things look is very important, not from a snobby point of view, but because environment seriously influnces mood & expectation. The best environment isn't necessarily one that's super tendy or fancy, but once one in which it is clear that the inhabitant cares about freshness, beauty and utility. So definately keep your place neat and tidy and no matter how bereft you are, for god's sake, wear clean clothes. Raise the shades, open the windows, bring in fresh flowers - do things to enhance your environment and arrange the palace of the Queen. This will uplift your surroundings and spirit. 5 - A Queen is never summoned NOt even by her ex.A friend of mine has recently entered into that hell-realm known as the on-again,off-again relationship. This is not uncommon. It's not pretty but it happens. So there you go. All credit to Sudan Piver in her book 'The Wisdom of a Broken Heart' It's a real funny, uplifting book and I always read a bit of it everyday. If you're looking for some comfort (even if only within the pages of a book) I can recommend this. I've just woken up with the usual 4am nightmare/frantic mind/bruiser of a heart feelings and have been trying to pull myself together. For the past 30 mins I've been typing this up and it's now 5.30am and I feel much better and can face the day with my heart ache knowing it's just a natural, beautiful part of me that has been there all along, inside me. It just took this awful circumstance to allow me to see how much strong emotion I have within myself. I know it's not easy to do, but I'm trying my hardest each day now to put that strength of emotion to good use rather than let it control my thoughts every minute of every day. I hope this is useful to someone Love Lofty2 x x x
GgirlBgirl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Thank you for sharing. I've been trying to handle the BU with grace, but I love how it's broken down in different aspects of acting like a queen. Thank you.
Author Lofty2 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 I'm really happy if this reaches out and helps anyone. I've just been shopping and you know what I thought to myslef. I thought that I'm a Queen and I'm in charge of my own decisions and destiny and I was very calm. Not happy as can be (given the nature of a break up I don't think it is ever the happiest time if you're the dumpee like me) but calm and considered and isn't it lovely when perfect strangers smile at you and you can smile back. I think I will become more and more capable of managing my own mind as a single person, whereas in a couple I never really had the opportunity to do it. Come on girls (and boys) who've been dumped. You know you can be stronger than this. Think of an idol you have, someone you maybe know or maybe not, but who you respect and admire. How would they handle this. Be a Queen. Magnitize everyone who you meet in a caring, compassionate way. And summon up a genuine warm smile for someone (especially someone you're indifferent to or even don't like) it makes you feel very nice. Lofty2 x x x x
Author Lofty2 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 if only i could find someone like you I'm flattered arbrne_vet. But the great news is..... it's inside of you too. These thoughts are not rocket science (yes they are difficult in break-ups, but very beneficial to you if you can adopt some of them) and they do not take any skills. Just kindness to yourself (please stop beating yourself up) and kindness to others. You may not have shared an intimate relationship with these 'others' but they only want the same thing we do. To find someone to make a special connection with. We are all in the same boat us humans and nearly all of us will go through it. Even (work in progress) Queen's like me and you are not exempt from heart break.
Karala Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you for this :] The first weeks/months are hell indeed, hang in there and know that it will pass! I've been over the "agony phase" for some time, recovered sleep, no longer obsessing and in pain 24/7, it's a great place to get to! wishing for you to get there quick :]
Author Lofty2 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 This morning I nearly slumped into the realms of lowly weeper. I have now re-read my entire thread and all your lovely comments and have regained my stature to some extent. Off to to clean my car and get through my ironing pile, give myslef a facial massage and when it's time to go to bed I know it will be time to think of a composed, calm Queen getting her beauty sleep x x x x
Karala Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This morning I nearly slumped into the realms of lowly weeper. I have now re-read my entire thread and all your lovely comments and have regained my stature to some extent. Off to to clean my car and get through my ironing pile, give myslef a facial massage and when it's time to go to bed I know it will be time to think of a composed, calm Queen getting her beauty sleep x x x x What a great analogy indeed, **** happens but we can still remain queenly/kingly through it all!
danceallday Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Lofty2 - I even went so far as to print the act like a queen bullet points and take it with me today. It was so useful and I found myself really breathing for the first time in weeks. Thank you.
Avelia Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Looking at this I do feel proud for myself In the past month I not only encountered a break up but also something equally aweful, but I was able to leave the scene both times with my head high, and my dignity intact When my ex broke up with me and asked me if this is not what I want, I told him that if this is his decision, then there's nothing I can do, and I will not choose someone who did not choose me 2 days ago I told a friend who is also going through a break up to keep her dignity while breaking up, to which she answered: not everyone is a queen like you, I tend to act with my emotions well...we queens do have emotions, but letting those who want to hurt us see that we are hurt? sry never gonna happen, we are only vulnerable in front of these we care and care for us. When a guy decided to hurt you like this, take back the power you once gave him over your emotions, he had his chance Now I know that if my ex wants a reconciliation I would not jump in desperately, knowing what went wrong and how much efforts are needed to fix the issues, though if I see a reconciliation is of my best interest, then I will tell him the issues and try work it out, otherwise, I will just sit and watch life teach him the lesson
Besmy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Hi Lofty, I loved it! Thanks for sharing it. Actually, since you get inspiration from Elisabeth the First, it's worth mentioning that she sentenced her last and great love, her much younger flame Robert Devereux, 2nd Earl of Essex, to death for treason although she really adored him. So I would add this: "6 - A Queen takes no ***** from no one".
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