Moving On From a Bad marriage/Relationship

[dub 1]

I married a woman who was very controlling & manipulative. I got much stressed while dating her as her ex was divorced from her but still living in house. The have 3 children teenagers.She was having an affair with a married guy before I dated her which I knewnothing off. She dated me ended the affair to which she wanted to get pregnantby that guy so he would have to leave his wife. Lucky him it did not happen.

 

I dated her & she instantly wanted to get pregnant even though we were in our forties. I got much stressed with sex & having to perform on the spot & she also lived in another country.Well I was so in love with her or I was going insane with her abusive behaviour.I married her she had no job it was pretty abusive never physically but dam mentally.

 

I was not allowed my teenage sons or grandson or anyone to visit my home. She got us to move 70 miles away fromthe big city. She demanded I give her brother a big loan of money which Irefused.WW3 broke out for over a year of horrific mental abuse.

 

I would love to know has anyone experienced there partner moving furniture upstairs & locking it into rooms.Locking rooms so I could not get in there. Taking bed clothing of spare beds sono one could visit & taking clothes she bought for me & locking themaway.

 

For me the abuse continue forover a year until she tried to get me to sign over a bigger percentage of myhome to her & her children who live in another country.

 

Sorry to go on but I need helpwith my emotions on this. I filed for separation & it took nearly two yearsto get to court. She went mad moving my stuff locking doors leaving horrible letters around the house. I got abusive texts that sickened me.

 

She left me to return to hercountry but only stayed away a few months. She returned looking healthier & sexier than ever. I was foolish to think she was not with anyone else.

 

]Then when it got close to courtshe was not working since three years. She started to have an affair with alocal guy who is unemployed so it worked easy for her in the day. She wouldleave after I went to work stay the day with guy & return before I got homefrom work.

 

The end was as weird as she triedto clear me out of everything in my house. She got an amount of money & Igot house. She has moved into the guy’s house nearby. I find dealing with allmy emotions especially jealousy very hard.Her walking around town holdinghands with new guy is so hard & makes my blood boil.

 

How can a woman tell me she lovesme to bits & then abuse me so much? Walk out of a marriage & straighti nto what looks like a new great loving relationship.

 

All she told me was lies that sheis not allowed live with a guy according to her religion. She left her childrenfor me & now still has not returned to them.

 

Please anyone out there make anysense of what I have written???

Edited August 28, 2011 by dub 1
Spelling check

[doublerince]

Dub, I am sorry you are going through this. The emotions can be very overwhelming. Sometimes I think I am doing better, and another swing of bad feelings comes through. One thing I have recognized after reading many posts such as yours, is that we can only control our own actions. This woman had a history of rocky relationships before the one with you. We do not have a magic looking glass to help us understand her history before you met her, and I did not either with my ex. Hindsight is 20/20 is a very accurate saying, but that does not mean we should have known. We could not have known. Clearly this woman has major issues. Your issue now is to face the emotions, recognize them, and let them continue on the road away from you. That is how you heal, and it does take time. I hope you can focus on the children also, to help them through this. It must be very confusing for them. Hang in there.

[dub 1]

Hi Doublerince

 

Thank u kindly for your reply & your kind words.I do believe I will get through this.I have the help of a twelve step programe.This has been my miracle for many years.The deep pain is so so hurtful & to realize my dream was only my dream.

 

She was never into my feelings ,the way she used to hurt me emotionally.I know I had to make the decision to end this nightmare.Oh god if life was easy & not a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

Thank you again & hope your life is getting better all the time.

 

M

[Downtown]

Please anyone out there make any sense of what I have written???

Like you, Dub, I was married to an emotionally unstable woman (15 years in my case). The behavior you describe -- verbal abuse, controlling nature, temper tantrums, lack of trust, manipulation, illogical blaming, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD.

 

This does not imply, however, you cannot spot the red flags in a woman you were married to for several years. Indeed, it is easy to spot strong occurrences of traits like verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of trust, and controlling behavior. There is nothing subtle about such traits.

I married a woman who was very controlling & manipulative.

BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits) try to control every aspect of their loved ones' private lives because they are so fearful of abandonment. Indeed, in a recent study, 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abandoned or abused in childhood.

I was not allowed my teenage sons or grandson or anyone to visit my home. She got us to move 70 miles away from the big city.

Because BPDers are extremely controlling, they try to augment that control by isolating you from all family members and friends. It is much easier to control you if there is no supportive friend around to say "That's the most ridiculous explanation I've ever heard." Like your W, my exW tried to isolate me from all my family members and she downright hated my adult foster son.

I dated her & she instantly wanted to get pregnant even though we were in our forties.

BPDers lack impulse control and therefore often engage in risky, foolish behavior without thinking through the logical consequences of their own actions. Moreover, a BPDer desperately needs a strong, stable man to serve as her emotional anchor. Absent that anchor, her mind will shoot off in all directions because she has a fragile, weak sense of who she really is.

 

This likely is why your W was so desperate to have a series of men committed to her so she could rely on each of them to ground and center her personality. And this is why you likely noticed that she behaved differently around different types of people. She was not trying to deceive them. Rather, she was emulating their personalities and preferences in order to be accepted, to fit in, and to be loved. If she is a BPDer, she has been doing that since early childhood.

How can a woman tell me she loves me to bits & then abuse me so much?

BPDers typically will flip from adoring you (i.e., "splitting you white") to hating or devaluing you (i.e., splitting you black) in ten seconds based solely on some idle comment or minor infraction. This is called "black-white thinking." BPDers do it because they are extremely uncomfortable with experiencing strong mixed feelings and conflicted feelings. Instead, they will flip from one polar extreme to the other, allowing themselves to be in touch only with one set of feelings at a time. Because a BPDer typically is intolerant of "grey areas," she will frequently use the terms "always" and "never" to describe your behavior (e.g., "You never take me anywhere nice").

 

While splitting you white, a BPDer typically will be very passionate and the sex will be intense. In addition, during the honeymoon infatuation stage, she will mirror your personality so perfectly that you will be convinced you've met your "soul mate." On top of that, you will be adored in an intense way that is unmatched by more stable women. Of course, this is why it is so easy to fall in love with a BPDer. And this is why it can be so difficult to want to leave them, despite all the abuse. As long as you don't realize she is a BPDer, you will mistakenly believe that you can restore the honeymoon conditions if you can only figure out what you are doing wrong.

She left me to return to her country but only stayed away a few months. She returned looking healthier & sexier than ever.

BPDers push you away -- by creating arguments over nothing -- to get breathing room, because they feel suffocated by true intimacy. Yet, after pushing you away, they eventually become very fearful of abandonment and usually will -- at that point -- start reeling you back in by being super sweet and caring. Resisting that pull-back stage is EXTREMELY difficult because you know that you are only 15 minutes away from intensely passionate sex and being adored as her "savior." So you will have a powerful desire to convince yourself that she may have really changed THIS TIME.

Well I was so in love with her or I was going insane with her abusive behavior.

Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one that is notorious for making the nonBPD spouses feel like they are going insane. There are several reasons for this. The main reason is that a BPDer's perception of your intentions is so distorted by her illness that she genuinely believes most of the outrageous, ridiculous allegations coming out of her mouth. This sincerity and conviction makes her seem very credible to a man who loves her and wants to protect her.

 

Such illogical and ridiculous arguments are so common with BPDers that their ex-partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to have her institutionalized, thereby allowing him to run off with her family jewels. Of his many tricks, one is to turn down all the gas lights in the house -- just a little bit each day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

Sorry to go on but I need help with my emotions on this. I filed for separation & it took nearly two years to get to court. She went mad moving my stuff locking doors leaving horrible letters around the house. I got abusive texts that sickened me.

Abusiveness and vindictiveness are hallmarks of BPDers. My exW, for example, had me arrested on a bogus charge of "brutalizing her" so that, during the three days I was in jail, she could obtain a restraining order barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months -- the length of time it takes to get a divorce in this State. This misuse of the judicial and police system is extremely common among BPDers. This is why, during your separation and divorce, it would be prudent to always have a witness with you when you are in the same room with her. Because she genuinely believes most of her allegations, she will be extremely persuasive when the police show up. Moreover, BPDers tend to be excellent actors, capable of switching in ten seconds from a hateful rage to "poor little me."

 

Significantly, the vast majority of BPDers are not mean people in general. With strangers and casual friends, a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long because those people pose no threat to her two great fears (engulfment and abandonment). But that same caring BPDer will go home at night to abuse the very people who love her, because they do pose such a threat. And, when you are in the process of divorcing your W, she likely will perceive you to be Hitler and she will treat you accordingly. Hence, BPDers do not behave so meanly and spitefully because they are intrinsically mean people but, rather, because they have a "though disorder" that distorts their perception of your motivations.

The end was as weird as she tried to clear me out of everything in my house.

Yes, like I said, vindictiveness and meanness are hallmarks of having strong BPD traits. A BPDer is so driven by her current intense feelings that all prior feelings and good memories are washed aside and ignored. This is why you cannot build up a store of good will or appreciation on which to draw during the bad times. Trying to accumulate such good will is as useless as building a sand castle beside the sea -- it will be washed aside by the next wave sweeping through her mind. Hence, if you make any concessions to her during the settlement, they will not be appreciated. Instead, she will intensely feel entitled to it and will immediately be seeking more -- if the court allows it.

[she is walking] out of a marriage & straight into what looks like a new great loving relationship.

As I noted above, a BPDer desperately needs to find a stable man who will serve as her emotional anchor. As occurred with you, she will be convinced he has come to save her and is the perfect man. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates -- typically in 3 to 6 months -- her two great fears will return and she will start abusing him too.

She left her children for me & now still has not returned to them.

Although BPDers suffer greatly from their thought disorder, it is rare to see a high functioning BPDer leave her own children -- no matter how much pain she has. And most BPDers are high functioning. Hence, your W may be a low functioning BPDer or, more likely, has strong traits of BPD together with another disorder like Narcissistic PD. (Most people who have one PD also have one or two others also.)

I do believe I will get through this.

Yes, you will. To make it less painful, I offer several suggestions. First, I suggest you read Splitting, Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist -- an excellent book that was released just two months ago. I also suggest that you read Codependent No More because, given the length of time you tolerated your W's abusive behavior, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me.

 

You therefore are at great risk of leaving your W only to run right into the arms of another unstable woman just like her. We caregivers have such an intense desire to be needed that we will walk right past all of the stable women (BORING) until we find a woman who desperately needs us. The problem is not that they are seeking us out. Rather, we go hunting for them. They project a strong sense of "vulnerability," which is like catnip to us.

 

Second, I strongly recommend that you start participating -- or at least lurking -- at the "Leaving a BPDer" message board at BPDfamily.com, which is the most active BPD forum targeted to partners and spouses just like you. The folks there will give you invaluable tips on how to negotiate and survive the divorce, which tends to be brutal when one spouse has strong BPD traits.

 

Third, if this discussion about BPD traits rings a bell, I suggest you take a look at my discussion of such traits in GreenEyedRebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735.

If you have any questions, Dub, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to online resources that can. Meanwhile, please start taking better care of yourself, Caregiver.

[dub 1]

Hi Downtown

 

Thank you kindly for the most fantastic reply.Yes you are so correct in what you say.I was struggling in the relationship before I married her.I am not sure why I married her think I was very needy.I felt the stress & the turmoil while dating her.

 

She went around the village where I kive & said such horrific things about me.Worse still was the allegation regarding my son,it was sickening when I heard it.She tried to destroy him & me in her tissues of lies.

 

God when I sit down & think of our relationship,the only part that was good was the sex.No issues were ever dealt with.I lived in reality & tried to get her to undestand me.

 

I was the only one working & I tried to get her to see there was only so much money to go round.She did not care only argued all the time about money.She had to send her kids money.It was maddening.

 

I don't think a day went by without her sending a nasty text.That was why I could not understand the end.She stopped texting & left my home only to move in with a guy in the village.

 

I cannot understand why she did not take her money & go back to her kids & her family abroad ?.I never knew this woman & she was so good at cloaking all her stuff.

 

I will get the book thank you.Also I will join the forum.It is so wonderful to talk to people who have been through the same stuff.

 

Thank you

[Downtown]

Dub, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information to be helpful.

She went around the village where I live & said such horrific things about me. Worse still was the allegation regarding my son,it was sickening when I heard it. She tried to destroy him & me in her tissues of lies.

As I said, BPDers tend to be very vindictive and mean when they are angry. Due to their heavy reliance on black-white thinking, they can "split you black" and thereafter regard you as Hitler incarnate -- and will treat you accordingly. Attempts to reason with them will be be futile because, to protect their fragile egos from too large a dose of reality, they will "split off" the logical part of their mind -- putting it out of touch of the conscious mind that you are trying to reason with. The result is that you will be left trying to reason with the intuitive "inner child" part of their minds.

God when I sit down & think of our relationship,the only part that was good was the sex.

Sex generally is very intense and passionate with BPDers because, while they are splitting you white, they simply adore you. Moreover, because they are very intolerant of experiencing mixed feelings, they tend to have a purity of feelings that results in great passion, a warmth of expression, and romance.

No issues were ever dealt with.

Generally, BPDers are only interested in creating drama, not finding solutions. Moreover, on those rare times you find her compromising with you, she will walk away feeling you somehow forced her into the agreement. Because BPDers have a fragile, weak sense of whom they are, they often feel like they are being "controlled" by the strong, stable men they marry. Indeed, it is this need for an "emotional anchor" that explains why BPDers usually hate living alone.

[dub 1]

Hi

OMG I cannot believe the way I feel tonight.I am so sad & very upset about the loss of a woman I loved.I can't understand how any human being can tear someones heart out & walk all over it.I feel so angry that I was lied to that I married a monster.How did I not see thru my rose coloured glasses.

I just feel so humiliated that she has been selling sex to old guys just before we actually broke up.I am so sick in my heart & stomach.She told me all she stood for in her life was truth & honesty.How could I be such a dam fool.I gave her everything from money to stability to laughter to love.

I am just so sad that at my age & all the mistakes I made in my life.To find recovery in 12 steps 15yrs ago & to only want to live peacefully with a lady I could love to bits.

Oh you hurt me so much ,you broke my heart & my shattered my dreams.

Does life get any harder for a soft gentle human being ??????????????????

[Downtown]

Dub, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly today. If your recovery is like mine was, you will have some bad days -- and some very bad days, when you feel like you are right back at step one. But you are making progress nonetheless because the healing proceeds in fits and starts.

 

I suggest you get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist, which was released about two months ago. It was written by the author of the #1 best selling BPD book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Another helpful book is Codependent No More.

 

To broaden your base of support, I strongly recommend that you start participating -- or at least lurking -- at BPDfamily.com, which is the most active forum I've found that is targeted solely to guys like you and me, i.e., the ex-partners and partners of BPDers. There you can read the stories of hundreds of guys who have recently gone through the very same painful process of leaving a BPDer. And a dozen different people will respond to your questions. Of the 8 message boards, the "Leaving" board likely will help you the most. Also, I suggest you read the "Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD" article at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm. Meanwhile, Dub, please don't forget those of us here at LoveShack. We will be glad to continue providing you support as long as you find it helpful. Also, Dub, please consider going to a clinical psychologist for at least a few visits to help ease yourself through this painful transition.

[dub 1]

Hi Downtown

 

Thank you,I have the book on order & should have it soon.

I am working thru this with my therapist who is very good.

I have joined bpdfamily & have got great help thank you.

 

I will keep posting on both sites & maybe I can help someone else.

 

Will keep going.

[2.50 a gallon]

dub

 

Most of us on this board have been in your shoes at one time in our lives.

 

For me, the question was not that I might someday be happy again, but quite simply would I ever be able to laugh again.

 

The answer: O YEAH!, with bells and whistles

 

It took some time, but I am unbeleivably happy, and in love again with a woman that I can totally trust.

 

It will get better,

[dub 1]

Thank you for that & to everyone who helped me .

 

I got a local elderly man call up to me on sat as I was cutting the grass.

I live in outside a small village & locals know everything that is going on.

He was very curious & told me what he knew.

 

I told him my ex-w was supposed to be selling sex in the local village.

He said he heard this but did not believe it.

 

I think I am going mad with stories people tell me about her.

 

The guy she is with is supposed to be not interested in women & she is probably staying there with him rent free.

 

I think I am very naive when it comes to women.

 

I trually want to move on.

[Downtown]

Dub, thanks so much for updating us. I'm glad to hear that you are receiving support on BPDfamily as well as here. And I'm glad you've decided to move on.

[dub 1]

Hi

 

Just want some advice on my feelings toward my ex.

 

Today I hear she has got engaged to new guy.

 

She brought him to her country exactly like I did.

 

She used her religion to get me to agree an engagement.

 

I could not meet her parents unless we were engaged.

 

So strange that she is flashing her new ring around village.

 

BPD people are so hard to understand ????.

 

I want her to leave my village & go back to the country she is from.

 

I just can't get her out of my mind.

 

Help please ?

[Downtown]

BPD people are so hard to understand ????.

Yes, untreated BPDers are hard to understand if you view them as the adults they are. Yet, they are much easier to understand if you picture them, instead, as four year olds -- which is where their emotional development stopped. They never learned the mature coping skills and emotional defenses that the rest of us learned while playing with other kids in the sand box.

 

On top of that severe limitation, it appears that your W may also have strong traits of NPD too. As I mentioned earlier, the narcissistic traits seem to be very strong because BPDers -- despite all the problems they struggle with -- typically are loath to leave their own children, as your W has done. Although BPDers are capable of loving you (albeit in an immature childish way), full-blown NPDers use people as though they were objects and have no capacity for true love at all -- as I understand it. Moreover, whereas BPDers are emotionally unstable, NPDers are very stable (which is why I suspected your W to primarily be a BPDer instead of an NPDer). I encourage you to discuss this with your therapist, who may decide that she actually has stronger NPD traits than BPD traits.

[dub 1]

Hi

 

Thank you kindly for your reply.

 

The part I find hard now is people comming up to me to tell me the latest gossip on my ex-w.As she is living down the road people hear all sorts of info.I try to avoid people so as not to hear stuff.I want to move on & maybe in the future I may meet a lady who knows.

 

I find some days are very hard emotionally as I miss her.I wake up & at times I wish she was there,God how easy I forget how much she hurt me,how she tried to destroy my childrens reputations.And truth of it is she tried to have me sacked from my job by writing letters to my bosses.

 

Funny how my mind plays tricks on me.The lonliness I feel is painfull.I know this will pass & my life will get better.

 

Time is a great healer don't ya think.

 

cheers

[Downtown]

Yes, Dub, time is a great healer as long as you remain away from the toxic relationship. Thanks for giving us an update.

[dub 1]

Hi

 

 

 

Please can anyone help me ??

 

 

 

I cannot stop obsessing about my ex-w bpd , I am telling my brain to stop thinking of her.

 

I keep thinking she will knock at my door , looking for a reunion.

 

God I never want her back in my life.

 

I want so much to move on & my needyness is yearning for another relationship.

 

 

 

I sometimes wish I did not fancy women , not that I want to fancy guys I don't.

 

But I want to be single happy & enjoy my company.

 

I have been hurt so many times by women,I think its time to stop.

 

 

 

My need to make love is co burning me up,if she knocked at my door I am not sure if I cud refuse.

 

I think who is the sick person me or her.

 

 

 

My problem all my life is I am a very gentle guy,don't like confrontations.

 

People in work like to take the piss out of me,sometimes I don't mind as it can be lighthearted.

 

But like my ex-w she knew how to manipulate me.I get hurt & turn the emotions inwardly.

 

 

 

It is two months since she moved in with her new guy & got engaged,(if that is true)

 

I kinda feel stuck & hard to move on.

 

 

 

Please help if anyone has any advice ??

[Downtown]

Dub, I'm sorry that you are still in so much emotional pain. It may help to keep in mind that your healing will not progress smoothly with improvement occurring each day. Rather, there will be fits and starts and some days you will feel like you are right back where you started. That was my experience while recovering from my separation from my exW -- and it was the same the three times I was on crutches recovering from ankle injuries. As I got better, I still had gawd-awful days where I felt like I had made no improvement at all. Those days, however, got farther and farther apart until, eventually, they stopped. What advice is your therapist giving you? Have any members at BPDfamily suggested anything helpful?

[dub 1]

Thank you for a reply.

My therapist says I am to much in my head & not feeling the feelings in the pit of my stomach.God she is so right,I can interlectualise my whole relationship.Like I have been doing reading more & more & trying to find answers.But the answers are lying within me & I need to keep feeling my feelings.

 

I explained to her how hard it is to move on as people keep comming up to tell me gossip of my exw.That I am trying to work on now.I have not been sleeping because of my thinking of her.I have been burning with jealousy rage & anger at her.Thinking of the great sex they are having,god such torment.I think you understand my thoughts.

 

BPDfamily have been great & like yourself offer tools & support.

I always put my heart & soul into recovery.

 

Times I think my life is all recovery ,meetings & therapy.

 

God bless & thank you.

[dub 1]

Hi

 

 

 

I have wrote a letter to her of course I did not post it to her.

 

I miss her company,having her around the house,in my bed.

 

I miss the dream I had when I married her,we would build our lives together.

 

 

 

I miss listening to her read a story to me in bed.

 

She was so attractive & always dressed very well.

 

I miss the smell of her perfume.

 

 

 

I try so hard to forget her,& to move on ,but somedays I get so stuck thinking of her.

 

 

 

I am doing my councilling & working through this,but its hard & the longing to have her back is so bad some days.

 

 

 

I know she was abusive,drama queen & never considered me.

 

 

 

But I wonder how her new relationship & engagement is going ???

 

Our marriage ended in july & she moved in with her new guy.That hurts so much,especially as it in only down the road from my house.

 

Is it full of drama or can she adapted to her new surroundings as it is somewhere new for her to live ?.

 

 

 

Why did she not go back to live with her kids in her country ?

 

Her youngest is only 18 .

 

 

 

God I still am attached to her,it is hard to move on.

 

I cannot see myself dating again as I am 48 & find it so hard to meet women.

 

 

 

Is there anything I can do ??

 

 

 

Has anyone ever felt like I do ????

[Downtown]

Dub, yes, I know what it feels like too. I was 62 when my BPDer exW decided to leave me (i.e., to have me arrested so she could live in my home for the length of time it took to get the divorce). Believe me, dating at 62 is a far cry from dating when you are only 48. When I meet new women at a coffee shop, I walk in looking like someone's grandfather and there she sits, looking like someone's grandmother.

 

I'm sure your therapist has told you that you need to work on your codependence, which makes you rely far too heavily on another person as a source of happiness and as a way of making your life meaningful. It is important to learn how to be happy by yourself because nobody else is capable of making you happy. You have to do it for yourself anyway. So I'm working on the same issues you are struggling with because, like you, I have codependent aspects to my personality. Indeed, there are lots and lots of folks just like you and me.

[wilsonx]

Dub1 I am sorry you are going through this, I got out of a relationship with one as well about 6 months ago. It was extremely emotionally draining to the point where I lost my drive in life like you did. I became depressed in my relationship and it actually caused not only physical but mental problems as well. The sad part is I almost proposed to her out of sheer co dependence of losing her even though my body and my mind were lost in the manipulation. I knew she was bad but I couldnt leave her.

 

My ex actually stalked me online recently about 3 weeks ago and found me a a dating website and sent me 5 fake pictures of another girl and said we should hang out sometime. I said awesome we should and then she sent me an email address from her real email address saying "I knew you were full of ****" I havent talked to her in 4+ months, strict NC, I cut her off like everything. People do not understand this desire to always want to reach out to our ex's. Its because we lost control over ourselves. We miss that feeling.

 

In order for me to get to where I am today 5 months out... almost 6... I had to go strict NC, remove everything of hers, block her from everything, including my phone.

 

Its going to hurt for a little while but the longer you can keep NC down, the easier it is for you to move on. All my friends do not understand how hard it is to let go, my family is also annoyed but they just do not understand but I can tell you I do.

 

I recently read this book and its actually helped me tremoundously on focusing on the present.

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1577314808/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1577311523&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1KJ5DM8T2QK0HSF4PNDX

 

 

Everytime she comes in my mind, I focus on silence in between noise, I focus on the texture of things, I focus on me in the present to get my mind to stop and it really works. You have to apply it. I can say it works for me but you have to find your way of coping.

[dub 1]

Hi

 

Thank you see I always had a problem with my confidence.

Hence thats why I think 48 is a hard age to meet someone.

But I will get through the emotional turmoil,I know it will get better.

 

Said to my friend last night,all the abuse I suffered with my exbpd-w you would think I would be so happy now.

 

Funny things relationships & codepenedmcy.

 

I wish everyone the best & keep the advice comming.

[dub 1]

To my inner self

 

I am writing this painful letter to anyone who has felt like I do.I ended my abusive marriage with my exwbpd/npd.We broke up May 2010 but lived in same house for over a year before I could get a court hearing to end marriage.The legal end only happened July 2011 when the judge finally agreed a setlement.I paid her a large sum to move out & thought she would return back to UK.She did not go back to her kids & moved in with a guy right down the village were I live.

 

I know I have wrote this before & have re-hashed all the madness.I am expressing my anger & sadness & my deep hurt I am feeling each day.I have seen her twice now with her new guy only yesterday was so hard.

 

I am so jealous of the fact that she broke my heart & my dreams.She was so full of dramas all the time.I could never have made her happy as she made me so un-happy.

 

My question is this ?

 

I want to know how she moved out of our home & straight into this guys house.Get engaged within a month or two even though we are not & cannot get devorced for at least 2 years.Is her new r/s better than our marriage was ?.This new guy could be the man of her dreams.

 

Was it partly my fault that I did not understand her more ?.Maybe I could have done more ?

 

Does she have no feelings or thoughts of what she has caused

 

I am going through so many feelings now it is so painful.I want to work tru these but I feel so stuck thinking of her.I want her to knock at my door & say omg I hurt you so much I am sorry. (fantasy I know)

 

But I am confused & feeling hurt.

 

Any help ??

Edited October 30, 2011 by dub 1

[jaymz]

Who knows. You cant read minds. You will probably never find out what went wrong and why she left. I know as I currently feel the same as you but I will always be tied to my STBXW through our 3 kids, I go to her new house and see them all the time and have to witness their little displays of perfect contentment.

 

I have no idea if her new life is as great as she makes out to her friends, family, fb etc. I want to get to the point where I just don't care about her any more. The fantasies about her coming home and saying it was all her fault and she wants to make me and the kids happy for the rest of our lives or explaining the REAL reasons behind the affair and break up or even just an apology for all the pain I am going through. It will never happen, so I don't wait for it.

 

Doing things like NC, making new friends, giving yourself new goals, exercise, eating properly, new hobbies, IC, identify what YOU do wrong and work on fixing them etc all help. I also made a list of everything that my STBXW was like that I didn't like (debtman idea). When I feel nostalgic, I just read through the list and chuckle to myself that scumbag now has all that to come.