M2155 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I’m going to ask maybe a dumb question. Just recently I posted how proud I was for 2 weeks of NC, but today I’m having a mental setback. I am conflicted if I want to remain FB friends with my ex. As for the NC part of NC, I am doing fine. No desire to call. But as for the personal healing part of NC, seeing him on FB reminds me of what I lost and also sometimes want to reach out and comment when it’s something fun or I can make an “in” joke (and breaking NC in the process, but I have not yet)-- on the other hand, it also makes it VERY REAL that he has moved on. While that in itself isn’t necessarily bad, it makes me spend time thinking about him, understandably as it’s still so soon, but it’s a trigger nonetheless. I want to stay FB friends to keep posted on things going on in his life (and I am just nosy). Why do I care you ask? I don’t know. I think curiosity would kill me although knowing doesn’t do me any favors either. I also want him to see me- when I’ve been working on myself, traveling, involved socially and discussing things that were always of mutual interest... I want him to just maybe, when he is over his honeymoon stage with new-girl (his ex), he will start to remember the good things about me. I guess there is a small part of me that hopes he comes around one day or at least makes peace since things on a flaky note. I know I should NOT think that way but I can’t erase it. I also didn’t want to appear so heartbroken that I can’t even handle seeing him on FB. This assuming he would even care or notice he didn’t have that window into my life anymore. I even thought about sending him a note telling him I needed to unfriend him for a little while to focus on moving on and that I’m glad he’s happy. But as much as I think I’m trying to convey I am “ok with it” it’s kind of weak to come back weeks later announcing you need this to move on. Scrap that point! I just think my ego would be hurt if he didn’t even notice:eek:. So I take it everyone on here is a firm believer of blocking on FB huh? With my last ex (an amicable breakup), FB kinda made it easier for us to ease into being friends, I actually got bored checking his page all the time. I’ve haven’t experienced a hard, heartbroken breakup in the FB era. I hide his profile from my feed but I still look. Geez, all this over Facebook!! Smh.
Nohbody Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I didn't have facebook when I got dumped. Now I do, but the first thing I did was a little selective blocking. It's up to you and what you are comfortable with, but you will probably be encouraged to block. I'm glad I did.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Trust me, there are no cons in staying friends with him on FB. He will not be checking your page, because he will be busy. So you can post all you want, but he doesnty care about how active you are. All FB will do is make you pine for him more. If you delete him, and you KNOW you cant check his facebook, it will force you to stop worrying about what he is doing faster. otherwise, you'll keep checking for maybe even years.
Chinook Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I have to be honest my husband walked out on Thursday afternoon - I blocked him and his family on Thursday evening. I couldn't see what they were doing and posting. Just my feeling on it, it would be better for you to either stay off it for now until a longer period of time has passed - or block him (defriending doesn't work cos you can still see contributions to mutual friends/interests).
The Poster Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Ya know, I've been debating this myself for the past 2 weeks. On one hand, if I keep her as a friend, I know what's going on in her life, and she knows what's going on in mine. I get the chance to show her that I'm doing well without her. But on the other hand, everything she posts kills me. It just reminds me of what I lost. Reminds me of the the things we used to do together or I see the new people she hangs out with who essentially replaced me in her life. Though I wish her no ill will, seeing her happy kind of beats me down because it makes me feel like I wasn't able to keep her happy. It's hard when you were the biggest impact in someone's life, everything you shared, everything you said and did...to basically being a fragment now. Unimportant. That's the way I feel most times when I see my exes fb. So, I'm probably going to delete her soon...if I can.
Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Don't worry about what he thinks or what anyone else thinks. I recommend deleting for your own sake. You will get over him faster. It's less torture. If the time ever comes where you are actually friends IRL then you can be friends on fb again. In the meantime, delete, block, and go find something fun to do.
jenjen83 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Another vote for blocking here. I had to do it with my ex as I was checking it all the time and obsessing over women he became friends with. Blocking takes that trigger away. Good Luck
Author M2155 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Wow you all are not indecisive at all. I was thinking along the line of The Poster because I want him to know that I'm doing well and what he let get away too. If I had dicipline to stay off his page. I am thinking of unfriending over blocking because we rarely post mutual and then he can still search for me if he wanted. I know, I know I'm dreaming cause he is NOT thinking about me as you say and I could always email in a few months if I am still curious how he's doing. Hmm...I will ponder over your feedback, thanks as always!! :-) I haven't been on FB anyway as much since I've been on LS so much haha.
loverboy1984 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Listen to people here!!!!!! I deleted her immediately after she broke up with me. I dont want to have her rub it in that shes happy. Good for her let her be happy but when Im in pain I dont need that. she deleted me out of her life, the least I can do is delete her off FB. I also took my ex out of my phone and you should do that too. Good luck!
AlanN Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer. You should do what YOU feel like doing. Although the opinion of most here is to BLOCK it may not sit well with you for your own reasons, and that's ok...
EgoJoe Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I removed my Ex-GF before we even broke up....I also would look at her pic from time to time. I stopped that two months ago and then my roommate ended up telling me about one recently and that she's making certain things on her Facebook public. He has been informed not to. I'm still not going to look. Even the most honest, caring and loving people can be ABSOLUTELY retarded where the ego is involved. Make no mistake: Social Networking is pure ego. In some cases, healthy ego and in others VERY unhealthy. I would just deactivate for now until you can decide though. All the best, keep your head up!
Green21 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) I kept my ex as a facebook friend after we broke up. I had this hope that if I didn't get rid of her it would at least leave the door open to her if she ever wanted to contact me again. However, I did hide her from my news feed because I didn't want to be reminded of all the things she was getting up to without me being there anymore. The first few weeks were tough, unbearable at times, but they soon got better. Yet, things would seem fine, I'd log onto facebook, look at my profile page and on my list on the left would be her name and photo starting at me. That would be enough to trigger my emotions. I'd have to go and see her page, look at photos of her, see what she was up to (and, given that I was hiding her, was she saying anything about me?); feel pretty rubbish about myself for doing so. So after a few weeks, I deleted her, and it was a burden off my shoulders almost straight away. Knowing I wouldn't be reminded of her made me feel a lot better about myself, and given that she's the one who ran away, I should be putting my feelings first. So I definitely recommend getting rid of the ex. It'll help you recover far quicker if you're not being reminded of them and what they're getting up to. I was apprehensive about doing this, thinking there would be no chance of her ever contacting me again. However, facebook is only a website and by this point I'd accepted that she was never coming back. Even so, if they do want to speak to you again they will, be it by phone, email, whatever. They won't need to know you're amongst their 1,000-so 'friends' for them to do this. Edited August 27, 2011 by Green21
Citizen Erased Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 You are not doing NC if you're still stalking his facebook.
lana_sa Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 My ex has an open fb ,,,everyone can see it ,friends or not friends...so i cant get rid of him
Buttercup84 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I got my ex to block me on fb because I would not cope seeing photos of his future gf . I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from looking even after I deleted him . I would only be happy know he was miserable and missing me. But that is not what is going to happen .
monkeyshaman Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I am currently on the fence about this one as well. I dont want to check her FB or anything like that and I try to stay off it but it seems that every third thing she says has something to do with me, usually missing me or whatnot. I think I will keep it until she finally comes and picks up her stuff. I do feel like a FB stalker though, but I managed not to check it to often, maybe once when I wake up. I am in the first week of the break so as time goes on I think it will be healthier to do the block.
dontstopbelieving Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 When my ex broke up with me on Aug. 1, I erased him on FB the next morning. He wanted to keep in contact but I felt like this person no longer wants to be a part of my life so why even bother. Facebook can tell a lot about a person and its a window into my life as far as what I'm doing and who's in my life. I felt the only option was to unfriend him because I know I would keep wanting to look at his page. Also, I think anytime he would add any new friends I would wonder if any of the girls are his new interests, and I can't do that to myself. So far its been 26 days of no contact and I'm slowly healing. As much as it still hurts and I miss him it helps that I don't know what he's up to. Hopefully the pain and thought of missing him will go away all together soon. Good Luck!
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 There are no pros.. and if you think of one it is the denial talking.. All cons..
fauxleather Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 It depends on how strong you are really. The reason why I didn't unfriend my ex was because I didn't want her to think that I cared. I mean, obviously I did, but I had to act like I didn't, so I just blocked her and all our mutual friends who will end up tagging her and stuffs. Initially, it was difficult because I would still stalk her stuffs and all, but gradually after she got attached to a new guy and all, I was floored and decided once and for all not to stalk any of her e-profiles. But I'm NOT going to unfriend her, that's either just going to show her that I cared and it's just going to boost her ego or it's not going to affect her at all.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I haven't been on FB anyway as much since I've been on LS so much haha. You know what....If LS is keeping you off FB, then keep posting. It does work. Also it does get addictive though cuz you can learn alot, then you'll have to find something to replace LS after a while...lol
Author M2155 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 The more I think about it the more I realize there really are no advantages to keeping him. And he doesn't need to know what's up with me either. But like someone says, he's not reading them, he is busy! I discussed this with a friend today and she kinda agreed with fauxleather. Don't let them think they have that much power or you miss them that much. I will admit I want to see how things go with him and his new relationship, but I can't come up with a satisfactory answer to "why do you care?" unless I want to see a way to creep back into his life. Like Art_Critic says it's all excuses. Alright, I'm not there yet-- but you're all making some convincing points!
solobeary Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Just another voice in support of de-friending him. You sound like you're being really strong Think of the worst thing he could put on facebook, do you really want to have to see that? Personally, I could not deal at all with some things my ex may put on his facebook one day. Going to places with someone new that were special to us, going somewhere we'd talked about going together, proposing to someone, even seeing he was really improving himself would make me sad because he couldn't do that for me. And do you really want to feel like your facebook is some big ad for how awesome and exciting you are 24/7, should your ex ever have a look at your page again? Personally, I felt such a relief when I defriended him.
Space Ritual Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 You cannot begin to move on from someone without making that pertson as insignificant as possible. That means email addresses, phone numbers...everything must be gone.... why give them the satisfaction of knowing their presence on a social networking site is so important to you? You got this far in life without the person....
Christian79 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Definitely delete. My ex (who broke up with me, albeit a forced dump because of my actions), was angry when I did it, but I explained why and she was cool with it. She had been checking to see if I was making friends with girls and made comment about someone who I befriended (whose name she had even remembered ) so it was as much for my own privacy as to stop me from pining for her. (Although I just realised the other day she could check my friend list despite not being friends with me!) My theory is; assume the worst. I.e, she is with someone and she is having a great time, and try to move on. I know if I could see her Facebook I would be thinking about what she is doing and it would be stopping me from healing. As it is I can forget, and also if a reconciliation was ever to be on the cards, I would have been creating a little mystery as to what I have been up to as well .
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