Let Them Go

[Bugz Bunny]

It's from another website and I think every BS should read this...

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Bugz Bunny]

"Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

 

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

 

Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

 

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

 

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

 

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

 

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you

anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

 

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the

opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

 

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."

_________________

[Spark1111]

Hey Bugz, thanks for this!

 

It is exactly what I did and it came naturally to me. Am I one of the lucky ones? I think yes, I am.

 

Hell, I was upset he developed feelings for another. It hurt, but that is life and it happens.

 

What killed me is he thought he had to lie about them to me and sneak around like a stupid adolescent. He often picked an argument with me so he could go be with her. Terrible.

 

I told him to go get her, we'd divy up fairly and I would never disparage the relationship he had with our children or with her. I told trusted friends and family members that, unfortunately, we were through. I wished them well.

 

I took dance classes, art classes, worked my job, saw old and new friends, hit they gym and I KNEW I would make it.

 

No one was more stunned than I when, given carte blanche to be with his affair partner seemed like the last thing he wanted, but that was before I gained my PH. D. in Affairology.

 

This is known in many circles as doing the 180, and it retrospect, it did work.

 

Who knew? Not I at the time.

 

It lasted 3 weeks between them, and he inititated NC at 3 months when she kept calling, trying to "be friends" and offering a sympathetic ear to our reconciliation issues.

 

What reconciliation?

 

That came later in very small, arduos and painful baby steps.

[nyrias]

This is known in many circles as doing the 180, and it retrospect, it did work.

 

Take this to heart. This is one of the most successful manipulation of psychology. I works in this situation, and it also works before marriage, in courting scenarios.

 

In fact, it is not uncommon in some chinese (or asian?) society for young women to feint disinterests to young men they are actually very interested in. There is even a chinese idiom for this tactic.

[HappyAtLast]

Take this to heart. This is one of the most successful manipulation of psychology. I works in this situation, and it also works before marriage, in courting scenarios.

 

 

It need be said though, that said above manipulation will only work when the cheater in question is not committed to leaving the marriage.

 

When I was such cheater and my ex-wife began this behavior I a) idly wondered why the heck it took me cheating for her to go to the gym (I am a believer that one should take care of their body for themself) and b) thought it marvelous that she had all of these interests to now occupy her time.

[Owl]

It need be said though, that said above manipulation will only work when the cheater in question is not committed to leaving the marriage.

 

When I was such cheater and my ex-wife began this behavior I a) idly wondered why the heck it took me cheating for her to go to the gym (I am a believer that one should take care of their body for themself) and b) thought it marvelous that she had all of these interests to now occupy her time.

 

Ahh...but this is the secret benefit of the 180!

 

Working on yourself may indeed make you more attractive to the wayward spouse...but even if it doesn't...you still benefit from working on yourself and making those improvements in your life!

 

Even though your wife's actions didn't "win you back"...she still started going to the gym and filling her time with things other than you. Still works out as a "win/win situation" that way.

[HappyAtLast]

Ahh...but this is the secret benefit of the 180!

 

Working on yourself may indeed make you more attractive to the wayward spouse...but even if it doesn't...you still benefit from working on yourself and making those improvements in your life!

 

Even though your wife's actions didn't "win you back"...she still started going to the gym and filling her time with things other than you. Still works out as a "win/win situation" that way.

 

Hm, very interesting. Makes 100% sense. Although, in my case, sadly my ex-wife had already been filling her time with other people than me. That's what started the whole mess in the first place.

[Spark1111]

Take this to heart. This is one of the most successful manipulation of psychology. I works in this situation, and it also works before marriage, in courting scenarios.

 

In fact, it is not uncommon in some chinese (or asian?) society for young women to feint disinterests to young men they are actually very interested in. There is even a chinese idiom for this tactic.

 

Interesting. I can see how this could purposely be used to try an manipulate another.

 

I think my goal was simply self-preservation in light of the what I had discovered. I assumed we were more than done, dead and over at DDAY.

 

I intercepted a text where he swore to her he would take care of her child forever once he had reached his financial goals....that she was the one he wanted.

 

(Ouch) so go be with her. Give me half of what we have now, reach your goals with her and let me move on with my life.

 

I took my dog right outta the fight cause I thought the fight was over.

 

How very wrong I turned out to be.

[Spark1111]

Ahh...but this is the secret benefit of the 180!

 

Working on yourself may indeed make you more attractive to the wayward spouse...but even if it doesn't...you still benefit from working on yourself and making those improvements in your life!

 

Even though your wife's actions didn't "win you back"...she still started going to the gym and filling her time with things other than you. Still works out as a "win/win situation" that way.

 

So true Owl! Whether with them or without, something few can predict in the emotional rollercoaster of a dday, it did improve my life because for the first time in a long time, I had only myself and dreams and goals to focus on.

 

I thought I only had me in my future, so I had better get busy on me.

 

I think it was a logical and healthy response.

[HappyAtLast]

Spark, one should never loose sight of their own hopes and dreams. It sounds like you took the actions you did for yourself, the right reasons.

 

I trust that you carried through with this new focus once reconciled?

[Memphis Raines]

It's from another website and I think every BS should read this...

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

you had me with the above

 

 

and lost me with whats below

 

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

 

why the #### anyone would want a cheater back is beyond me.

[ladydesigner]

Yep I naturally did the 180 after discovering my H's A's, but then spiraled downward into my own A:sick:.

 

I still do the 180 for myself as in focusing on me. I really believe it is what has kept my H here. I do not think he would have tolerated a needy, depressed and clingy woman. The 180 is just fabulous in my eyes:love:

 

Oh I don't ignore my H but I do focus a lot more on myself than I used to.

[Steadfast]

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

That's the way I saw it. Be honest; what other sane choice is there?

 

Be prepared however, for the 'getting her back' part not working. By my estimation, few return once they've cheated. By that time (and women especially, whose hearts overwhelmingly remain cold) done is done. Some women posters have sent me reeling, claiming men make the mistake of 'not waiting long enough'. So frustrating! Some women complain of men not being 'man enough' then turn around and say if the men 'really' loved them they'd patiently wait until she's worked it out.

 

That's asking a lot of anyone. Too stupid to 'get it' or be a mind reader.

 

I've come to the conclusion that the damage is done. One of the reasons I struggled and suffered so badly when the whole thing went down is because I *knew* how it would end. The emotional burden was beyond belief and that's understandable because it all came true. Sure, I'm glad to not live with a cheater and the sight of her does nothing for me anymore. I saw her today...the first time in months. She's just someone I used to know. Don't ask me what she's thinking or feeling. Don't know, or care.

 

Problem is, something died inside of me along with my love for her. Something I can't get back. Trust, hope, whatever you want to call it, I'm pretty much incapable of going past a certain point in a relationship before my mental brake goes on. The fear of going back there is just too strong.

 

Pardon my rant, but it's the little things that'll get you. Cleaning out my home in preparation for an upcoming move (that I'm not ready for...) I ran across a box of cards. One, given to me from her on our eighth anniversary proclaimed the following:

 

"I don't know why you put up with me, but I thank God every day that you do! You are my everything. I love you with all of my heart. Then, now and always."

 

That's more than breaking a promise, it's breaking a life.

[seren]

Ah Steadfast, your post makes so much sense, especially about the breaking of trust and how to ever get that back. I have a mind analogy that I use. I have had some really dire stuff happen to me, so much so that I would put up so many walls and obstacles to anyone getting to the real me.

 

I imagined my real 'self' as living in a lovely house, there was a strong door with numerous locks and bolts, then a long path, a wooden fence, barbed wire, then a really prickly high hedge, a moat with sharks, a desert to cross .... you get the picture. As I met people and got to know them, I would decide where they were allowed access to, if at any time they did something that hurt me, they would be put back beyond the desert.

 

Enter H, it took a lot of wooing, trusting to let him enter the fence area, and finally I gave him the key to the door. The A blew me away, my safe house was no longer a safe place, my trust blown to bits and after D Day I knew that if I stuck him back out beyond the desert area I would never allow him back into my safe house. I will willingly admit that the A blew my house away, I was a mess inside, but bit by bit we have built my house again, it has cracks it can never, ever be what it was, but it still stands and H is, after a lot of hard work from us both, allowed back in, BUT he knows that were there to be a next time, he would be designated a place in the wastelands of hell before he was allowed back.

 

I suppose what I am saying rather long windedly is that there will come a time when you let someone in, it might include pushing them away time and time again just to see how much they are prepared to cross to get entry, but it can happen, if you let it. It is possibly far too soon for you, but I so hope you get there in the end.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm not really good at games. My xH cheated and I did the ultimate 180. I left and I wasn't an option. I ended it and only took a few peeks back in my weakest moments.

 

I agree with let them go and get on with living your life but OPs writing it like it's a strategy to get them back and I don't think it should be.

[Spark1111]

Spark, one should never loose sight of their own hopes and dreams. It sounds like you took the actions you did for yourself, the right reasons.

 

I trust that you carried through with this new focus once reconciled?

 

Yes! After the loss of blind trust in a man I adored, I decided to be my own Knight In SHining Armor in the movie of my life.

 

That hasn't changed one whit.

[SidLyon]

Sometimes you open the door to let them go and....they don't!

 

Letting someone go who wants to leave is one thing, but when they just don't go and the BW really wants to save the marriage what is to be done? It's difficult to throw someone out of their own home when they don't pose a physical threat to anyone.

[Steadfast]

I suppose what I am saying rather long windedly is that there will come a time when you let someone in, it might include pushing them away time and time again just to see how much they are prepared to cross to get entry, but it can happen, if you let it. It is possibly far too soon for you, but I so hope you get there in the end.

 

Very insightful seren. That's exactly what I'm doing. Fortunately, my lovely lady is very understanding and quite possibly knows what I'm going through better than I do. I push away, she gives room. Lovingly. I am very lucky.

 

No need to get into details, but another drama scene tonight finished off with a visit from my ex. After yet another accusatory verbal lashing I let her have it with both barrels, then sent her away. All justified, yet...no real sense of anything except exhaustion. The gift just keeps on giving.

 

Thanks again seren. Very timely-

[Barrsitter]

I totally agree with the "let them go" theory. Surely, true love is letting someone be free to be who they are and to be where they want to be. If your spouse doesn't want to be with you and commit wholly to the marriage, then let them go. If they come back, then you can decide it you want them back. If they don't come back, it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

I am an OW. Actually, I am the first love of my BF who claims he never stopped loving me. We parted 30 years ago. He married his current W. I got married and was divorced 18 years ago. Been single ever since. We met up 2 yrs ago and realized we should have been married to each other. He told his wife right away. But he's still with her. Now they are in counselling. The wife is child-like and can't cope. All she does is cry but never asks what my BF needs or wants. It's all about her.

 

So, I backed off. I've let him go in my heart and decided that if he comes back to me, then I will see where I am at that point. If he doesn't, oh well. I will keep going with my own life which is very full and wonderful.

 

If "love" is really manipulating someone else to make ourselves feel better, it's not real love. Real love is wanting the best for the other person.

[Bobby2010]

You shouldn't want them back.

[nyrias]

 

If "love" is really manipulating someone else to make ourselves feel better, it's not real love. Real love is wanting the best for the other person.

 

Nah .. if that is so, you will let him eat cake. What is better that cake-eating? But of course that is bad for YOU.

 

There is no real love. Only relationships and what you, and him wants.

[Severely Unamused]

I'm not really good at games.

Same here. Cut through the cr*p and get to the point...that's my motto. Relationships would certainly be a lot simpler, were this the case.

 

What is better that cake-eating?

 

There is no real love. Only relationships and what you, and him wants.

 

Agree with the second line for the most part. The first line depends heavily on the mindset of each MP though.

 

If they are coldly pragmatic and/or self-centred, than yes, cake-eating is a hell of a thing.

 

If however, the MP's conscience is getting to them, if they simply want to get out of the relationship ASAP, or if they still have strong feelings for their BS (not strong enough to stop the affair of course), than cake-eating will not be high up on their priority list. It may in fact be something that they do not want, for whatever reason.

 

Some input from the WSs on this board would be great.

[sadcalifornian]

I totally agree with this thread. There is something inherently wrong with the notion of forcing the WS love you back. Even though WS sees you as only a pancake and the OM/W as a steak, with threat of D and enforced NC, you can force your spouse to gradually wean off steak and come back to pancake, which is you. At some point, WS may accept pancake is what they have to eat for the rest of their life in order to avoid D and decide that they have to re-learn to enjoy eating it again as they once did. But, after all this, the truth is you are still their 2nd choice. This whole notion is very degrading and feels wrong.

 

I get the rationale of some BS doing this for the sake of kids, but I personally would rather D, which in my case I did.

[nyrias2]

If however, the MP's conscience is getting to them, if they simply want to get out of the relationship ASAP, or if they still have strong feelings for their BS (not strong enough to stop the affair of course), than cake-eating will not be high up on their priority list. It may in fact be something that they do not want, for whatever reason.

 

True. Not everyone wants cake-eating.

[drifter777]

I did this when my wife told me about her cheating. I walked out, convinced our marriage was over and dedicated to getting over the betrayal and moving on with my life. But three weeks later she gave the OM the boot and begged me to come home and start over. I did and began to regret my decision a few months later when my anguish wouldn't stay locked up in the back of mind like I hoped it would.

 

I guess it "worked" in so far as getting her back so this strategy might be pretty sound. But I've never forgotten what she did and never forgiven her for doing it so what did it get me? You can do this 180 thing and it may get your spouse back, but it does nothing for reconciliation. That is the real problem and the reason most of us are here on this forum. Does anyone have a magic strategy for that?