Day 2 of the insanity

[monkeyshaman]

Hey guys, I am really glad I found this site. A lot of the advice you are all giving has been helping me out quite a bit but I am loosing my mind. I am having a hard time believing she is gone. Let me give you the story. Sorry for this long story but I want to get it all out instead of talking to her (she needed a change in environment to clear her head she said).

 

My ex and I have been dating for almost 4 years. She has a child that was 1 when we first started dating and is now 5 (making the break up that much harder because its a dual break-up). Anyway our relationship started off pretty well, when we were dating. She would say that she never really experienced the feelings she had for me with anyone else. Shes 26 and I am 29 BTW. We actually dated for a summer 4 years earlier but it didnt work out due to some outside factors that I had to deal with but I always wanted another chance to be with her. So anyway it happened and we were going out and everything was going well. She was exploring things she always wanted to do with me and I was doing the same with her. After a few months of casual dating we hit a rough spot where we thought we were going to break up. I fought for her and things seemed to work out. We became committed to each other and it was beautiful.

 

The only problem was that her affection began to decrease from when we were first started dating. At first I got upset a lot, wondering why she started becoming less and less affectionate. I would even question her about it but she would say that she wasn't that affectionate of a person. After about a year I began to realize all the good things about us were more important then the affection issue and things were going pretty well. We decided to move in together and after the initial adjustment it was going as smoothly as ever. We still had the occasional serious discussion about affection but it was maybe only 1 or 2 times a year for 2-3 years. The problem was that every time I pushed the issue she would begin to say things like "I just can't make you happy, you deserve someone who can do all the things you want, thats not who i am and I cant change that". I would argue with her and tell her that she is the person I want this is just the one issue that we have to overcome. I would remind her that she was more affectionate in the past and don't understand how all of a sudden she isnt able to do it anymore. She would decide to stay and things would go well for a while but then it would come up again and she would get really defensive about the issue when I was just trying to kindly tell her I was looking for a little affection at the moment. Usually when I was stressed or whatever.

 

So this summer she started having health issues which lead to her being depressed and I was really slammed with work every day of the week for about a month and a half straight. Are car broke down and we could not afford to get a new one yet and a lot of other small stressful things. Before this we were just telling my mom how well we were getting along. So she began spending all of her free time just absorbed in random distractions and was barely here. I had a certain level of understanding because she was depressed but I began to feel sad and lonely. So I started bringing things up about affection and how I would appreciate if she could take some time to focus on me because she was being really distant. Well she began with the whole "I cant do what you want....." and I reminded her that just a month ago we were telling everyone how well things were going and how amazing it was. Well she stayed but nothing really changed and 3 weeks later I had a talk with her about the issue again. I did not really fight with her but it seemed to be taken that way. I tried to tell her I understood that we were going through a real rough patch due to whatever circumstances but wanted to get things back to normal.

 

Well she said she feels stuck in the house all the time (which she is since the car broke) and she needs a break from everything. I tried to be respectful and kept my pleading and opposing to a minimum and said that it would be probably be a good idea. But then she de-relationshiped me on her facebook and it threw me through a loop. I told her if she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me then start packing her stuff and get out. She was pretty upset over this and started saying how it was so much work to do and it wasn't going to be easy to move......... Well I left the house and cleared my head with some friends and then came back to talk to her. And said I didn't mean that she had to grab all her stuff and move out for good and that I thought she was just going to be gone for a week or month or whatever to clear her head. She said "yeah, i'm going to do that". Well in the meantime her son came up for 4 days after the arguement and we stayed together for that. I spent most of my time with him or out with friends and tried not to push her on anything. Although I did keep asking her when she was leaving (it was F*&*ing killing me seeing her, but I didnt want her to see me struggling, and didnt want to flip out on her). We still slept together (not sex) every night except the last and she was showing me mixed emotions. A couple days we got along really well and she told me she loved me and then sometimes she was just really snappy with me. We had some discussions a out wedding we were supposed to go to and her sons b-day but she told me she still did not know what she wanted to do. I said if we did get back together she needs to tell me when she wants some space and just let me know that she wants to go to her sisters or cousins for a bit and it wouldnt be an issue. I understand that she is a more social person than I am and its ok if she wants to go do whatever.

 

Finally her son left and I got the chance to talk to her one more time before she left with a small suitcase for her cousins house. I told her that she was a wonderful person, and she was smart beautiful, kind and fun. Not in a "thats why I want you" kinf of way but just to assure her that I did not hate her or resent her and whatnot. I told her that I hope she finds whatever it is she needs to find out there and asked her to call me when she decides what to do, pick up the rest of her stuff or come back and work it out. I suggested at some point if she comes back we should go see a counselor to help with our main issue but I didn't look for an answer from her on it. I also told her that I understood we both had a lot of stress these past few month and told her a few things I would do to help the situation. Most of the time she was pretty quite but she focused on what I was saying. There wasn't much fighting at all, if any. So she went down the stairs to wait for her ride and I walked down to her and told her that I was going to respect her desires for space and she should contact me "when and if, whatever" is what I said. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.

 

I felt good about how I handled it and spent all of yesterday hanging out with friends to keep my mind off of her. But in the middle of the day she texted me 2 times and called me twice about an minor earthquake that happened in the area. There was no real danger so I did not understand why she did that. I wanted to be NC but after the successive texts and calls I called her back. She asked if I felt the earthquake and I told her I did but then she said her sister was on the other line and she wanted to check if she was fine and I said ok ill talk to ya later (just as a goodbye, not with intention of calling her).

 

So I am really trying so hard to stay NC, and being day 2 of the official leaving I am having such a hard time. I am breaking down, crying, laughing, smiling, breathing, curling up in a ball, its like I am insane. I keep wondering if she really wanted to just get out for a little bit but then wonder why she put she wasn't in a relationship with me anymore on facebook. I don't know if she is going to come back and I dont even know if there is a chance she will. I am so torn up about this. I know we had our problems but there was so much we had. She said I was her best friend and she was mine, she loved me and there was so much I admired about her and she admired about me. We were different but its what helped us to grow in different ways and it was amazing.

 

Is there any chance she might just come back, I try to move on and spend time doing other things but it is just so hard. All I do when I am alone is think about her and miss her. I hate this feeling. I miss her so much but I know I have to respect her decision to get some space. And it just makes it harder because I love her son so much too. I am totally beside myself on what to do. Is she going to come back in a week or is she going to decide she wants a new life without me. I am just going nuts over it. What do I do, just ignore her forever and forget all we had even though I think we were just going through a rough spot.

 

Anyway thanks for reading this if you got through my ramblings and I would appreciate any advice.

[esteem-jam]

What follows is my thoughts only. I think your girl may have fallen for somebody else. Maybe its someone new, maybe its a love from the past. I dont think she cheated you (like sex or smth), she saw how this is wrong and didnt want to go that road, so she tried honestly bring that idea that she cant give her 100% emotional and physical to you.

What could have happened... when she met you- you were not like her guy which made her kid. She wanted to be with someone, to fill the emptiness. It often happens when peope are emotionally messed they want to be with someone, when she became emotionally clear she realised what she has done- she just strung you along. I have done this... I was messed and just flirted with someone... I did not have big feelings for her... when I tried to tell her she deserves better, she asked "you were just pretending?" At one point I told her "you need someone who will donate his kidney to you, if you ever need it". I could not give my 100 % to her. And so cant your girl.

I doubt your girl will run into the arms of some other man right away. She will heal, and allow you to heal too. Maybe she will wait for completely another person, not someone she knew.

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks for responding I know it was a lot of info. I was kind of shocked about how much I wrote. It just felt real good to get it out ya know. But I think some of what you said rings true. I'm not so sure she wanted to be with anyone else but I do believe she realized she could not give herself to me as much as she wanted originally. For whatever reason it seemed she needed to sort her own thoughts, feelings a life out. Like I told her and still believe is that it is something she has to do and it sucks, I wish it was not that way but alas it is. Yesterday was the first day we did not talk in a looooong time and I am having a hard time not checking her FB. I managed to avoid it all day yesterday but checked today. Mornings are really hard for me.

 

I know its better for us in the long run, whether we get back together or not. Things were very hard for us the last couple months and I understand her need to go sort out her own feelings and her own identity. She always said that she never really got the chance to be free and do whatever because of family then her having a child. I figured it was something she could overcome but it seems like that is not the case.

 

I am going to do my best to remain NC even though the thought of her forgetting me and moving on kills me. I have so many beautiful things going on in my life right now that I really don't want to ruin them with insanity. I am having a real hard time focusing on anything and just keep changing scenery to keep my mind off it. I am having a hard time letting go of hope.

 

Again thanks for reading and posting, I really appreciate it.

[Chi townD]

Nothing in your post screams at me that she's cheating on you either emotionally or physically. The depression may explain the lack of affection. If a woman doesn't feel sexy or desirable, then they usually have a hard time projecting affections. .

 

You written that you are a hard working individual and I totally believe you. But, with her depression and the way the ecomony is right now, a woman wants to feel safe and secure not only for herself, but more importantly, for her child. For instance, the car breaking down and not being in a position to get it fixed is a constant reminder that life is in a state of hard times. Of course, this isn't your fault. Who can ever predict these small things happening. But to someone that is clinically depressed, it's one more log on the fire.

 

What I sugguest you do, is improve your situation as much as possible, work overtime, put money away, get the car fixed. Go to school and improve your carreer choices. If she wants to come back at some point, I would STRONGLY suggest indivdual counseling for her, so she can get the help she needs for her depression. You still have a shot! I feel that this isn't over. Hang in there!

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks a lot Chi town. Yeah I dont think it is a matter of cheating its just that depression and fear have gotten overwhelming. At first she was happy about the car breaking because she hated the constant worry of it (it was junk) which is why I didn't think all that much of it. But before she left I told her that I would move things around and change my finances to get a new car but that she should decide if she really wants this relationship first. She asked for some time and I am trying to give it to her at this point. The depression is such a hard thing to work with and usually I am ok at waiting it out but these last few months, it was just too many logs on the fire like you put it.

 

One thing that makes me feel ok is that this was the best break up I have ever had. So far there was no yelling, fighting, "I hate yous" or anything like that. I understood what she wanted and respected her decision. I am hoping that she can grow really fast even though I know thats not usually the case. As for now I am just going to keep doing what feels right. And for right now that is becoming more of who I want to be, I may have spent to much time focusing on her. Now its time for me to get my flow back, I have a lot I want to do and am going to do it.

 

Thank you for your kind words, they are very appreciated in this challenging time.

[monkeyshaman]

Oh why does this have to be such a challenge? I am maintaining my NC but I was trying to clean up the house and found a bunch of old pictures. I knew I shouldnt have but I looked through them and then missed her a ton. Then I just kept thinking that her desire to be alone will only increase as the desire to be with me will decrease and things arent ever going to work out. I know I am being really down in the dumps but writing here for some reason makes me feel better. I kind of got sick of complaining to my friends all the time and having them respond when I really just need to get the stuff out. I am really hating cleaning my house right now, I keep finding stuff of hers all over the place and its driving me nuts, I got a lot of it out but little tiny things keep popping up in piles of stuff. Well that my little rant for the moment. I do miss her so much but know if she cant commit fully to our relationship or at least have the willingness to do so then its just not going to work. I am afraid even if she does return that it is just to late for us, and that hurts.

 

Anyway thanks for reading if u did.

[monkeyshaman]

So now my ex keeps writing how she misses me and posting little saying on FB about how important we are for each other but isn't contacting me directly at all. Its pulling me real hard to try and contact her but I am resisting. I am going to go hang out with some friends so that should take my mind of it for tonight. I don't know what to do. She still seems to be holding her position that if she is with me she causes me pain. Sure we fight but for the most part I was happy, I dunno whats going on with her. She still hase stuff at my house and there are other things that are still linking us. I am trying to avoid these things but I dont know how long I should keep the stuff around before I tell her to come get it. I was home all day so that definitely added to the insanity on my side.