ah1 Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 So we broke up 9 days ago due to arguments but also his deep insecurities that I didn’t care enough about him. After the break up I almost agreed to it saying ok but he won’t find better than me who will take on his baggage etc and all the nasty things said when hurt I figured after 9 days of hardly contacting him, I hadn’t done all the begging etc that is always advised not to do, but I thought that by letting an already insecure person think I wasn’t bothered was surely just confirming that he was right to leave me anyway. So I poured my heart out in a letter, told him he was the only one for me and how attractive I find him etc all the things he said I didn’t say enough, I agreed with his reasons for the break up, I made no promises or laid any blame on him or his actions, I simply told him the things I love about him and how good he makes me feel. So my response from him after he read my letter was a simple text....."I’ve just sat and cried!" to which I replied that I meant every word. Now at first the text made me happy, full of hope, but he has since not replied to my text today, and seems to have gone back to no contact. I’m back to square one. Does the crying mean he cares, should I give him space to actually realise I care as much as I do when he believed I didn’t as he only read the letter a few hours ago, or is the ignoring me even after the text saying he cried a sign that I maybe annoyed him for making him cry??????????
Stncldgent Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I did the same thing about a week after my ex broke up with me, I spilled my guts to her about everything. How I got butterflies everytime we talked, how I envisioned us growing old together. etc. etc. She told me she bawled her eyes out and in her word's didn't know what to say other than she was so sorry. Part of me wanted to believe that might have made a difference and made her realize how much she meant to me. The realistic part of me says that it was probably a bunch of lip service, which in her mind might help me heal. Like others have told people on here the ex checked out of the relationship long before she broke up with me. she just hadn't found someone to replace me, and when she did, she pulled the trigger. Probably best to go back to NC with him and let him contact you, in the event that you never hear from him again, Don't blame yourself, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and move on. It's difficult not to break NC I have done it 3 times in the last month since we broke up. only to be back to square one. Now I am on day 10. Good luck
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I fully applaud that you wrote him the letter. Relationships are all about being vulnerable, and now you have the satisfaction of having shown your vulnerability (and living through it - as might be appropriate for a teen boy who asked a girl to prom). That you were able and perfectly willing to show that vulnerability is quite enough of your appeal for him to have plenty of "you" around as he is deciding his fate. To best complement the vulnerability you just showed it makes sense that you avoid contacting him unless he initiates... giving him the sense that you ARE CONFIDENT AND COMFORTABLE about the vulnerability you exposed. (contrast that to the woman who knocks on his door tomorrow, tugs at his sleeve, drops to her knees and starts bawling on his front porch) Even if this guy never looks back, you gained a little bit of assurance that you still know how, and still can share your vulnerability.
serviceduck Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 So we broke up 9 days ago due to arguments but also his deep insecurities that I didn’t care enough about him. After the break up I almost agreed to it saying ok but he won’t find better than me who will take on his baggage etc and all the nasty things said when hurt I figured after 9 days of hardly contacting him, I hadn’t done all the begging etc that is always advised not to do, but I thought that by letting an already insecure person think I wasn’t bothered was surely just confirming that he was right to leave me anyway. So I poured my heart out in a letter, told him he was the only one for me and how attractive I find him etc all the things he said I didn’t say enough, I agreed with his reasons for the break up, I made no promises or laid any blame on him or his actions, I simply told him the things I love about him and how good he makes me feel. So my response from him after he read my letter was a simple text....."I’ve just sat and cried!" to which I replied that I meant every word. Now at first the text made me happy, full of hope, but he has since not replied to my text today, and seems to have gone back to no contact. I’m back to square one. Does the crying mean he cares, should I give him space to actually realise I care as much as I do when he believed I didn’t as he only read the letter a few hours ago, or is the ignoring me even after the text saying he cried a sign that I maybe annoyed him for making him cry?????????? Hi there, I too wish I knew what all the crying was about. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me on the 1st of this month. He did it in person and was very detached and depressed. I didnt contact him for 5 days until he called me (after having seen that I had changed the facebook relationsip status) and asked to come over to drop off my things. He came over for 3 hours. When he saw my face when he walked in, he burst into tears and hugged me tight. We went for a walk and talked for a long time but there was nothing I could say to change his mind. I poured my heart out and told him this was the biggest mistake of his life, to which he replied "I know. I'm sorry". When he left that day, we were on good terms and I was pretending to be okay with the split. He was hugging me more tightly than ever. He was wiping away my tears and kissing my forehead and kept pulling me in tight. We were both crying like idiots. We agreed we would be in touch about the rest of my belongings (because he barely bought anything back to my place that day). He drove away again. That was on the 6th. I have not contacted him in any way shape or form for 18 days - we didnt go 1 day without seeing each other (besides when he went to south america with his friends for a month and hated the entire time because I wasnt there). He has not called, nor text me, nor had any facebook activity with me. I have found out that he is going clubbing twice a week and getting hammered and is basically ignoring the topic of the breakup. Nobody can figure out what happened. All I know is that he was too stressed with his job as a vet (10-12hr days), and he didnt feel happy anymore (he is usually the socialite). So I guess all I can tell, that I have learned from all my research, is that only he knows what is going on in his mind. It doesnt matter what he tells his friends or family, because men are prone to putting on a tough exterior and powering on. Everything I have read suggests initially 2 weeks contact, then 3, then a month, then 6 weeks, then 8 weeks. That is enough time of NC for them to realise. Beyond that time, is up to fate. Sorry for the sob story, hope I've helped. Keep us posted
danceallday Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Serviceduck, Sorry to hear your tough situation. You both sound like decent people so just give him space. Keep up nc and he will come around. Men go out and drink to forget about their emotions. Women talk and talk and talk to their friends. It is difficult for men because as a society we teach them to "be a man" and not show emotion. They are supposed to be the bread winners, the strong ones, and they are not supposed to talk about their feelings or cry. I wish my break up had been more civilized like yours, but every relationship dynamic is different. It is a signal that he only brought you some of your stuff. Breathe, go out with friends, take a bath, unfriend him on fb if you need to. Go completely nc and don't play games with each other on social media sites. If you have mutual friends who want to talk about it just say "we need breathing room" or "I need to find myself" or something like that. Or what works for me is "I don't want to discuss this." Good luck!
Buttercup84 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I'm sorry about your break up.my ex cried too when he read my letter . I thought too it meant that he still loved me . Trying to keep nc but it's so hard . You seem to doing a lot better than me x
serviceduck Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 @Danceallday Thanks for the reply Yes, I would agree (modest much haha) that we are both decent people. We have never once lied to each other in our whole time together and we were so open with each other in every way (probably more than we should have been). We used to finish each others thoughts and sentences and knew each other inside out. I still have this intuition about how he's feeling. Even the day he came back to talk, we still felt the need to share with each other everything we had done and felt without each other over those 5 days of no contact. We need each other. I found out this afternoon from a mutual female friend that he said he is feeling okay about it all but is finding it really difficult being single again and he thought he would have actually found it really easy to go back to his usual party ways. He also told her that he still has my ticket for an upcoming music festival (she said it sounded like he wanted me to come with him still). He hasn't talked to her partner (my ex's close mate) in any great depth either and isnt really letting anyone in on his private thoughts. He mentioned to her that there were no rules between him and myself (like talking to mutual friends etc) and wouldnt mind being at the same party/place as me but not just yet because its awkward and painful. I was feeling really good about all of this new info because if he was absolutely fine with the situation, he would be more willing to discuss it with everyone (but it seems he's still keeping most things to himself), and because he still likes the idea that he can see me in the near future. I also liked the fact that he isn't having so much fun being single.. maybe its hitting home harder and faster than he thought... I am definitely trying to keep busy with the things I love to do but it is so unbelieveably hard!! Thoughts? Wow... I have so taken over this thread. My apologies @Ah1. @Ah1, have you received any more messages or news on what he is thinking?? @Buttercup, I would like to tell you that NC gets easier, but it doesnt... well hasnt for me anyway. Actually, it's not so much that im tempted to contact him. That's not the hard part. The hard part is not watching every car that goes past my house in hope that it's him coming to beg for me back. Here's to positive energy and the law of attraction, hey!! I can tell you though that the effect NC will have on ex's is totally dependent on the personality of your ex in particular, as well as the situation. I am just taking it week by week right now. Keep me posted! x
Jonnyy Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Everything I have read suggests initially 2 weeks contact, then 3, then a month, then 6 weeks, then 8 weeks. That is enough time of NC for them to realise. Beyond that time, is up to fate. When you say initially 2 weeks then 3 then a month, etc. Do you mean you make contact after two weeks, then after 3? Why is the amount of NC broken up into sections? Could someone please explain
Frank13 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 When you say initially 2 weeks then 3 then a month, etc. Do you mean you make contact after two weeks, then after 3? Why is the amount of NC broken up into sections? Could someone please explain I hadn't heard of this before but my guess is that it makes it easier to eventually keep NC. Many people who break NC go back to square one so this seems odd, but maybe for some people it makes it easier because it gives them goals with a little light at the end of the tunnel.
WindWhisperer Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Very interesting post and I can relate to it with regards to his insecurities. I think it was admirable to send a letter about who he is and not a mean or terribly emotional script. I'm sorry it didn't get u more than 1 text but maybe it will make him think a little bit more. Your idea has made me think of writing one. Not a horrible letter but just how I feel about him and our situation and where we went wrong.
Author ah1 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 I’m kinda glad to read everyone else’s situations on this thread as it makes me realise I'm not alone in how I feel, and the moping round, not coping etc isn’t just me. Thanks for all the advice and comments as well everyone. He replied to my text today saying he cried because he had feelings for me still, but it ended up in a long string of useless texts back and too, mine about how I cared for him and his about how I hadn’t shown him enough love etc during the relationship. My trying to convince him ran thin in the end when I asked to see him to talk it over face to face instead of by text, and he said he wanted to be alone now and focus on his son as he’s fed up of people meeting him and it not working out. He also said by asking him to meet I was putting him on the spot!.......I should have done nothing but respect his decision when he mentioned his son, but my heart took over and I asked if he won’t meet with me today, will he some other time......his reply was "I don’t know". I’ve since not replied to the "I don’t know" as I figured I’d fall into the begging etc which I had prided myself on not doing, but fell into slightly today as I’d had a reaction off him, and felt it was worth fighting for. His text was sent only an hour ago and I’m finding it incredibly hard not to reply, I guess that’s why I’m posting again now as a distraction. I figured if he “doesn’t know” about me then I should now withdraw myself as he has no doubt about how I feel about him now.............any suggestions on this anyone?
serviceduck Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 When you say initially 2 weeks then 3 then a month, etc. Do you mean you make contact after two weeks, then after 3? Why is the amount of NC broken up into sections? Could someone please explain Hi @ah1 Sorry for the confusion. I have broken it down into the average time frames that all my research has individually suggested to remain in no contact. There is to be no contact throughout that entire period. Basically, until you get a hint that something had changed, don't let yourself break the flow. You could use the time sections more like goals just to help you stick to no contact, if that helps. The aim is for them to miss you, and whilst you are providing all the contact with them that they need (and then some), they have no reason to pick up the phone and call. I will also say, everyone has made a point that NC shouldn't just be used to get your ex back, but also for you to heal and become stronger so that when you do have contact with them in future, you will be able to hold yourself together. One more thing, I completely disagree with the general rule that if the ex calls inthe NC period that you should ignore the call. That is only sending the message that you do not want to speak with them. But at the same time, you cannot give into your emotions during this call and you cannot let them believe they still have you wrapped around their little finger. Just be confident, considerate, and friendly. Isn't that the person they fell in love with? That's my 2 cents worth
Author ah1 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Just an update, think I'm doing his as a way to vent my feelings like a journal maybe. So today he announced he has strong feelings for me still, he doesn't want to meet anybody else. In fact he wants time for him, to spend more time with his child.....he said how his parents are away in september and he has to look after their cats, and told me that as I always have a heavy work load in september....... maybe if I missed him after then we could try again!!! A whole bunch of excuses it seems, if someone wants to be with you they'd be with you, not take a month out. And what do I do? Wait around until the end of september for him to say actually no thanks i still need space or even someone else. iv told him he can have his "me time" and I Hope he finds what he's looking for. Time to start nc ......for me!!
active_frm Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 mesajınız için teşekkürler. yararlı buldum
katie.x Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 It was really good reading through this forum for me personally as I am dealing with getting over an ex, but from where I stand I think he cried because he really cares about you or guilt. Those are the two emotions my ex would cry from, and it's not always a negative if it's guilt mind you. You'd need to ask him yourself to know the real reason, no one can guess and know on here of course. It could be crying from knowing the relationship is over, guilt that he doesn't have the same emotions as you or he had doubted you for no reason. You really can't know unless you ask but maybe NC is best as you probably both need sometime to know what you both want. I think it's best to wait for him to contact you as you have already lay your emotions on the line, it's his turn and he'll most likely do it in hi own time.
solobeary Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 iv told him he can have his "me time" and I Hope he finds what he's looking for. Time to start nc ......for me!! Good for you! This definitely sounds like a NC situation. It's so sad, but here's nothing else you can do. Best of luck with it
Author ah1 Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 My strong attitude and nc lasted.........a whole 12 hours :'( I'd prided myself throughout this breakup at not doing the whole begging and calling thing......but now he's throwing that back at me by saying when he left me all I did was agree with the breakup and accuse him of his wrongs then leave it......and now he doesn't believe my whole "change of heart" and my strings of texts etc about how I care and has said its "all talk".....!! He has also said I only want him as an easy option because of my age and wanting to settle down.......I'm only 31!!!!!!!!!! This has come from me saying I wanted to settle and have family and help him look after his child, like we had always both said we wanted out of a relationship. I’m really at a loss now at what to do it seems if I back off he thinks I don’t care! If I tell him how I feel he doesn’t believe me!
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