conehead Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I dated my bf for 2.5 months (never had sex, just made out) and broke up with him 1.5 weeks ago because he rarely called, was fine seeing me only once a week, he had bad manners/etiquette, and I generally started to get irritated by him near the end. After a week of no contact, I texted him Sunday night to hope he's doing well and to let him know that I'm open to being friends in the future. He replied saying he thinks that is good because he likes my company. I replied saying I'm glad he agrees and I said we can both use more time to process things but can be friends in the future. Last night he texted me that he'd love to be friends, but commented it might be weird because he has feelings for me. He then went on to say stuff I found extremely inappropriate...he told me if given the chance he'd 'totally do me' and he said 'not just completely out of lust, i do like you when you're not mad at me.' Then he says 'please dont be mad at my previous msg' His comment really surprised me, as it seemed very inappropriate. Granted he is a 33 year old virgin and I'm the first girl he's ever kissed...its hard for me to decide whether he is just plain clueless in saying this....or perhaps, the cold truth is that all along in our entire relationship what he's most interested in me is just sex. Even though we are broken up, I feel like his comment really just demeaned our entire RS.
zengirl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 He sounds immature, and you're better off without him. You already knew this, though. I say: don't really go out of your way to be friends. Just keep on truckin'
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Conehead, his comment DID demean the relationship and possible friendship you could have had. And it's great to see that you're smart enough to see that yourself. Too many women ignore those flags for the fleeting cheap feelings of feeling desired or wanted.
ScienceGal Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 keep moving on don't look back trust me good luck
Emilia Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 How old are you? Where does it say he only wanted sex? In fact he explicitly said he liked you. Wanting sex is normal for any hot blooded person - except you it seems. You are lucky he stuck around for 2.5 months as sure a hell I wouldn't have in his shoes. What a waste of time it must have been, poor guy.
John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 How old are you? Where does it say he only wanted sex? In fact he explicitly said he liked you. Wanting sex is normal for any hot blooded person - except you it seems. You are lucky he stuck around for 2.5 months as sure a hell I wouldn't have in his shoes. What a waste of time it must have been, poor guy. Good post.
sm1tten Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 He continues to sound like a winner. But is his comment demeaning? Eh, not really. I thought it was just clueless.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 It doesn't mean he "only wanted sex." If this were the case, he would have been all over that during your short relationship. It's just more evidence that the guy is probably a ... (sorry) loser.
thatone Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 so you strung him along for 2.5 months, he got tired of you and gave up, basically. you got mad when he took the attention away and broke up with him, then couldn't help yourself and contacted him because you knew you could get an attention fix by leading him on again. and he, by stroke of luck assuming he is actually a virgin and didn't know what he was doing, threw your selfish intentions in your face by turning it into a sexual conversation. he wins, you lose. from the standpoint of a man cheering for another man, great story, thanks for sharing it .
betterdeal Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 ...its hard for me to decide whether he is just plain clueless in saying this....or perhaps, the cold truth is that all along in our entire relationship what he's most interested in me is just sex. Even though we are broken up, I feel like his comment really just demeaned our entire RS. I feel that you didn't fancy him and are now trying to project blame on to him, perhaps because you think it's not nice to not fancy someone who fancies you. His comments were clumsy, but to be expected from someone who's inexperienced, a little nervous, subconsciously aware that you didn't really fancy him and feels rejected. There's nothing wrong with not fancying someone. Just own it. I find these convoluted attempts to rewrite history to create an illusion of helpless victim-hood quite tedious. The man wants to bone you and you don't want to. It's really very simple. No blame. No convoluted story.
thatone Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 fwiw, to any other men who post here to complain about the dreaded friend zone, this is a flawless way of handling a selfish woman trying to friend zone you. i find it hard to believe this guy is a virgin, if he is he's got luck on his side, because he played this one really well.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 so you strung him along for 2.5 months, he got tired of you and gave up, basically. you got mad when he took the attention away and broke up with him, then couldn't help yourself and contacted him because you knew you could get an attention fix by leading him on again. and he, by stroke of luck assuming he is actually a virgin and didn't know what he was doing, threw your selfish intentions in your face by turning it into a sexual conversation. he wins, you lose. from the standpoint of a man cheering for another man, great story, thanks for sharing it . That's not what happened. Read her posting history about this "relationship." As I understand it, they "dated" for 2.5 months but hardly ever actually saw each other. I think it was an online connection that never really launched. What went on between them certainly would not qualify as a "relationship" in my opinion. He was not interested in spending much time in person or even talking on the phone with her. I think there's probably a good reason why he had not kissed any woman yet at the age of 33, and was a virgin. He seems to have pretty serious social issues. She REALLY liked him and wanted "it" to work ... but there really wasn't much to work with. I think it would be a good rule of thumb for posters who are going to contribute to a thread to familiarize themselves with the situation before jumping all over them.
thatone Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 that is exactly what happened. she went fishing for attention from a man she had rejected and he told her his attraction was purely sexual. bravo to him, he's was honest, she was manipulative, she got what was coming to her. and i find it hard to believe that they kissed and saw each other once a week, in her words, via the internet, take your own advice.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Last night he texted me that he'd love to be friends, but commented it might be weird because he has feelings for me. Well of course - this is the only reason guys have any interest in "being friends". He then went on to say stuff I found extremely inappropriate...he told me if given the chance he'd 'totally do me' and he said 'not just completely out of lust, i do like you when you're not mad at me.' Then he says 'please dont be mad at my previous msg' His comment really surprised me, as it seemed very inappropriate. Granted he is a 33 year old virgin and I'm the first girl he's ever kissed... While it was surely inappropriate to voice/write such a thing, I don't think you should view a 33yo virgin in the same tone you'd view a 22yo bar-hopping 'player' who said the same thing. Indeed he may be "clueless", but I just have a sense that the further somebody IS from actively carrying-out an impulse, the less critical we should be of his having had said impulse.
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 I guess Im just disappointed, not sure whether in him or in me though. Part of me is disappointed in him because I wish he isn't so clueless, saying inappropriate things all the time. If he can just be socially acceptable, we'd still be together. Then sometimes I'm just disappointed in myself....why can't I just accept his quirks? Underneath that socially awkward mess can actually be a sweet, caring guy perhaps...but I can't help being turned off by him everytime he does such clueless things.
dasein Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Men, never be ashamed of expressing direct sexual interest in a woman. Today in the modern world, saying "I would do you" is neither inappropriate nor rude in any way, kind of tame actually, especially after seeing/dating someone for a couple of months. Don't be fooled or bullied by women who demand to be sexually free one minute and revert back to some Victorian standard the next depending on which way the wind is blowing that day and how they view you. It's manipulation pure and simple or at the very least annoying inconsistency. Don't fall for it. Keep your eye on what you want and you will eventually find an honest, straightforward woman who wants the same things.
Sanman Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I guess Im just disappointed, not sure whether in him or in me though. Part of me is disappointed in him because I wish he isn't so clueless, saying inappropriate things all the time. If he can just be socially acceptable, we'd still be together. Then sometimes I'm just disappointed in myself....why can't I just accept his quirks? Underneath that socially awkward mess can actually be a sweet, caring guy perhaps...but I can't help being turned off by him everytime he does such clueless things. No socially savvy guy with options is waiting 2.5 months for sex. If this is what you want, that is most of what you will attract.
Author conehead Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 No socially savvy guy with options is waiting 2.5 months for sex. If this is what you want, that is most of what you will attract. I've dated a guy who was socially and physically attractive who waited 3 months for sex...probably shouldn't generalize. It's not like I'm waiting years, months isn't that extreme for sex.
Professor X Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Then sometimes I'm just disappointed in myself....why can't I just accept his quirks? Underneath that socially awkward mess can actually be a sweet, caring guy perhaps...but I can't help being turned off by him everytime he does such clueless things. A classic mistake: What do you mean by "can" and "perhaps"? He is 33, this "can" and "perhaps" don't exist and should of already been out. You can't change a man, you never could and you never will be able to; So many woman date the "potential" of a man rather than the man himself, quite sad really, but it is what it is. And for future reference, don't try and befriend an ex' you broke up with, he most likely still got feelings for you and it will just hurt him in the long run. You wanna be a "good friend"? Don't friend him Anyway, if I remember your story correctly, you shouldn't feel bad with yourself! Cheer up, I'm sure men are lining up at your door you'll get someone better sooner than you think!
Professor X Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 No socially savvy guy with options is waiting 2.5 months for sex. If this is what you want, that is most of what you will attract. I have to disagree, some will wait as long as the waiting isn't for religious reasons. I think I would of waited a few months if the girl was worth it, though I can't say for sure since I pretty much slept with all of my exes on the first "date".
betterdeal Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I guess Im just disappointed, not sure whether in him or in me though. Part of me is disappointed in him because I wish he isn't so clueless, saying inappropriate things all the time. If he can just be socially acceptable, we'd still be together. Then sometimes I'm just disappointed in myself....why can't I just accept his quirks? Underneath that socially awkward mess can actually be a sweet, caring guy perhaps...but I can't help being turned off by him everytime he does such clueless things. Maybe you're just disappointed it hasn't worked out and there's no need to apportion it to anyone in particular? If you give him some feedback it may help him see what he's doing wrong, but that's your choice - it might feel wrong to do so in which case, don't. Just saying something along the lines of, "When come out with stuff like that, it upsets me. It's not even just the subject matter but the way you put it. I think you are a tender, sensitive kind of guy, and I don't see why you get the urge to be so crass about it, and by text instead of face to face? It seems cowardly. I hope you find the peace and love you're looking for."
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Conehead, though you have only posted a few things about the guy, I get the idea that he might be an Aspie. In any case, I think it's clear that this relationship was not working and was not headed in the direction to ever work for you, so try not to let the things he says bother you. Move on.
zengirl Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 Men, never be ashamed of expressing direct sexual interest in a woman. Today in the modern world, saying "I would do you" is neither inappropriate nor rude in any way, kind of tame actually, especially after seeing/dating someone for a couple of months. Don't be fooled or bullied by women who demand to be sexually free one minute and revert back to some Victorian standard the next depending on which way the wind is blowing that day and how they view you. It's manipulation pure and simple or at the very least annoying inconsistency. Don't fall for it. Keep your eye on what you want and you will eventually find an honest, straightforward woman who wants the same things. First of all, the bigger issue to me was he said it in the context of being friends. The relationship was over. Any talk of potential sex becomes inappropriate at that time. But, really, there's no way I could see my BF EVER saying something as immature as "I'd do you," to any girl or even thinking it --- romantics don't say stuff like that, even guys, even in this day and age. It's not about sexual freedom. "I'd do you" is just so frat boy. People who connect sex with FEELINGS (and yes, some men do!) don't talk about sex that way. That doesn't mean they don't talk about sex. It's the way they view it and react to it that shows their feelings, viewpoint, and maturity level on it. No socially savvy guy with options is waiting 2.5 months for sex. If this is what you want, that is most of what you will attract. Eh, 2.5 months is a little on the longer side, but I've had plenty of socially savvy guys with options wait quite awhile. I had a guy be exclusive to me for months before we even met (the BF I met while on another continent, though we weren't "together" --- just waiting to be together --- before we met) and then wait another month and a half. The current BF waited awhile, and I've definitely had a guy wait at least 2 months before. (One BF ASKED me to wait, and it took almost 3 months -- he's very attractive and can get girls pretty easily -- because he likes to be in love first.) Guys who are relationship-oriented will wait quite awhile if they feel the woman is potentially the girl they might marry/someone special/etc. Not till marriage or for the religious girls maybe, unless they're into that too, and not if they feel it's manipulation or a tease or a control thing, but plenty will wait if they feel the relationship is worth it. (Maybe not in NYC, I don't know. NYC dating culture sounds weird.)
dasein Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 First of all, the bigger issue to me was he said it in the context of being friends. The relationship was over. Any talk of potential sex becomes inappropriate at that time. and he has the right, upon hearing from a dumper pretty much out of the blue, to express his reasonable expectations and desires in the conversation. Did he do it in the perfect Hollywood romcom way? No, but we live in the real world, not a script. Moreover, her contact was likely a surprise to him. Good for him for making his desires crystal clear, being sincere, as opposed to accepting her transparent "friends/I need some residual attention" agenda wholesale. If more people of both genders took a stand when dealing with wishy-washy exes in this way, lots of the "strung along" problems would disappear from this site. "Express your own desires and let the other person worry about theirs" is almost always good advice regardless of gender. Doing otherwise is the way to be used and disrespected in many areas of life, not just dating. Some folks have touched on it, but the main issue in this thread is how wrong it is to throw crumbs at exes out of selfish motives as opposed to letting them heal and move on with their lives once one decides a relationship isn't going to progress. Let alone whining and complaining about the results when one's crumb-throwing doesn't turn out exactly as expected. But, really, there's no way I could see my BF EVER saying something as immature as "I'd do you," to any girl or even thinking it --- romantics don't say stuff like that, even guys, even in this day and age. It's not about sexual freedom. "I'd do you" is just so frat boy. People who connect sex with FEELINGS (and yes, some men do!) don't talk about sex that way. People with more sexual experience than the average twenty something do in fact talk about sex that way as opposed to flowery romanticism. After a certain point, the "gild is off the lily" so to speak. In fact, I hear that exact description of sexual desire from women constantly, "I'd so do him," or even "I would so do you," maybe more than men saying such. Just because you don't doesn't mean it's automatically a "frat boy" mode of expression. My best, most productive "line" with women I have gotten to know more than as a stranger, who are waffling about things is "You and I should just f_ck and see where things go." It's like a time bomb, and maybe not that day or that week, but sometime in the next couple of months, odds are she will pull me into bed, even setting up the whole scenario and surprising me. It lays the cards on the table without patronizing women, treats them as adults, not like little virginal babies, and you know what? I find that mature women generally appreciate the directness.
Author conehead Posted August 25, 2011 Author Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks everyone. My intention of the text was not to 'throw breadcrumbs' or whatever some of you thought. Simply, he's a nice guy under it all i think, just too clueless and immature, and I genuinely just want the best for him, and suggest we can be friends AT A LATER TIME, i told him after we have some time apart to process things. I did not intend to contact him continously, but he is not someone I just 'dump and trash'...though our RS was brief, he was significant to me in that brief period.
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