About to enter NC - any thoughts?

[Milsch]

Here's my story. (Questions are below).

 

I have been dating a girl (Emily) for a year. Initially, it was a rebound situation for me - I'd just come out of a three-year relationship where we'd been living together.

 

In the early stages, I still had doubts about the break up with the ex - and Emily didn't take that well, but she stuck by me. My ex and I became good friends (and share a friendship circle) but nothing ever happened after we broke up. I know Emily wasn't that happy about the situation though.

 

About a month ago I (stupidly) went skinny dipping with a group of friends that included my ex. Emily was really pissed off about it, even though I explained that it didn't actually mean anything and that it was just a swim (which, btw, is true... but I can see how she sees it). I then told her I understood her point of view, was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again.

 

My ex - the one I went skinny dipping with - also happens to be leaving the country soon.

 

But since that incident, Emily says she started withdrawing emotionally from the relationship. A couple of weeks ago she sort of broke up with me, but we kept seeing each other and I thought things would get back on track. I told her I love her (which I do) and that I wanted to start over. She told me that when we're together she has a great time, but when we're not she starts to doubt her feelings.

 

She has been away for a few days, came back and told me that it was now over. She didn't want to 'run the relationship into the ground' by sticking together despite her heart not being in it anymore.

 

There's a guy where she works who is really into her and recently single. I'm pretty sure he's hitting on her and that she will get together with him. That really kills me. Obviously I want her back...

 

Questions

 

1. Given that she said she is most unsure about it when we're not together, I am going to find NC really tough. I know I made her insecure with my own stupid actions, and feel like a grand romantic gesture could be what's needed to win her back. But maybe that's just idiotic?

 

2. If I do NC, do I have to delete her from Facebook, etc?

 

3. Before I start, can I send her a letter saying, basically, "I understand that I made you really insecure by keeping my ex so close, and I want to apologise for that..." etc? Or literally no contact from now?

 

4. Can I ask if she is seeing this other guy?

 

5. I know NC is meant to be for me (and not to win her back) but I really want this girl back in my life - I've only realised too late how much she means to me and how I have pushed her away. Argh. Any other thoughts / advice?

 

Please don't say 'it serves you right' or 'you can learn from this' I know I wasn't perfect... but I don't need to hear that right now.

[Milsch]

Please someone reply - I keep hitting F5... I need to know what I should do here??

[Yuzuki]

I'm not very experienced but just my 2 cents.

 

1. Given that she said she is most unsure about it when we're not together, I am going to find NC really tough. I know I made her insecure with my own stupid actions, and feel like a grand romantic gesture could be what's needed to win her back. But maybe that's just idiotic?

 

She knows that you still love her and want to get back together if possible, because you told her. I'd say that's enough, don't push it by trying to win her back, it'll only chase her away.

 

2. If I do NC, do I have to delete her from Facebook, etc?

 

For your own sanity it's better that you do, otherwise you'll just end up seeing things you really didn't want to know about. If you really can't delete her then just remove her from your news feed and stay away from her profile page.

 

3. Before I start, can I send her a letter saying, basically, "I understand that I made you really insecure by keeping my ex so close, and I want to apologise for that..." etc? Or literally no contact from now?

 

See 1. I understand where the urge comes from, I kind of feel the same thing. But it's not going to bring her back, and anything less than that is not worth it. Don't push her even further away.

 

4. Can I ask if she is seeing this other guy?

 

What would you gain from doing so? If she says yes, it'll hurt you even more. And if she says no, chances are she's lying or she will be seeing him in the future, so it still won't put your mind at ease. What you don't know can't hurt you, so be kind to yourself and don't ask.

 

5. I know NC is meant to be for me (and not to win her back) but I really want this girl back in my life - I've only realised too late how much she means to me and how I have pushed her away. Argh. Any other thoughts / advice?

 

I'm kind of in the same position but as far as I know, the best chances you have at any kind of reconcilation will come by going NC for now. And even if she would agree to be friends, do you think you could handle it knowing she might have someone else (soon)? This is my main motivation to stay clear of friendship with my ex. I know I, for one, wouldn't be able to handle it.

[Chi townD]

Well, first off, both of you screwed up. Why would you go skinny dipping with your Ex? I mean, if she went skinny dipping with her Ex, I'm pretty sure you would be upset. And it doesn't matter that nothing happened and you were with a group of people, it does show a level of disrespect to her. Makes her think you're really not serious about her. Which brings me to my second point about her.

 

Since she may think that you weren't serious about her, then maybe the co-worker is. So, she's developing a case of the G.I.G.S. Maybe she's thinking the grass is greener with this other guy. Chances are this co-worker is laying it on her pretty thickly. And, if this guy is a shoulder to cry on, you KNOW she told him about the skinny dipping incident. Your screw up turned into his opportunity to say, " If you were my girlfriend, I would NEVER do that to you!" And you know what? She's buying it.

 

If she ended it with you, then it should be over. And yes, de-friend her from FB. You know that she gonna post stuff like, "I had the most amazing weekend." "I have the best boyfriend, EVER!" and she'll post pics of them together. Do you really want to see that. NC is a time for you to heal and move on. It also let's the dumper know that you are out of their lives, which is what they wanted anyway. No crap like, "Can't we just be friends?" She either gets 100% of you, or nothing at all.

[123BeachFan]

Staying friends with your ex when it upset Emily....then skinny dipping with the ex and others, knowing it would further upset Emily....it sounds like you were seriously testing Emily's tolerance level and unfortunately you exceeded it. You can't blame her, really, for cutting her losses and moving on, can you?

[Milsch]

Well, first off, both of you screwed up. Why would you go skinny dipping with your Ex? I mean, if she went skinny dipping with her Ex, I'm pretty sure you would be upset. And it doesn't matter that nothing happened and you were with a group of people, it does show a level of disrespect to her. Makes her think you're really not serious about her. Which brings me to my second point about her.

 

Since she may think that you weren't serious about her, then maybe the co-worker is. So, she's developing a case of the G.I.G.S. Maybe she's thinking the grass is greener with this other guy. Chances are this co-worker is laying it on her pretty thickly. And, if this guy is a shoulder to cry on, you KNOW she told him about the skinny dipping incident. Your screw up turned into his opportunity to say, " If you were my girlfriend, I would NEVER do that to you!" And you know what? She's buying it.

 

If she ended it with you, then it should be over. And yes, de-friend her from FB. You know that she gonna post stuff like, "I had the most amazing weekend." "I have the best boyfriend, EVER!" and she'll post pics of them together. Do you really want to see that. NC is a time for you to heal and move on. It also let's the dumper know that you are out of their lives, which is what they wanted anyway. No crap like, "Can't we just be friends?" She either gets 100% of you, or nothing at all.

 

I didn't mean to go skinny dipping. Like I said, we are a big group of friends and it just ended up happening. I didn't think anything of it because... well... it didn't mean anything. I have seen a lot of my friends (male and female) naked and it's just not sexual.

 

All the stuff about the other guy is guess work. She says he's never made a pass at her, but she would say that...

 

Given that she probably feels I neglected her feelings (and her) I feel like NC might be the wrong way to go to get her back. Maybe I should be putting myself out there.

 

But then, she knows that I love her. I told her. In fact, she used that as a reason why she should break up with me ("Given that you feel more strongly, I don't think I should be with you when my own feelings have faded").

 

So maybe NC is the way to go. Argh, I dunno....

[Milsch]

I'm not very experienced but just my 2 cents.

 

1. Given that she said she is most unsure about it when we're not together, I am going to find NC really tough. I know I made her insecure with my own stupid actions, and feel like a grand romantic gesture could be what's needed to win her back. But maybe that's just idiotic?

 

She knows that you still love her and want to get back together if possible, because you told her. I'd say that's enough, don't push it by trying to win her back, it'll only chase her away.

 

2. If I do NC, do I have to delete her from Facebook, etc?

 

For your own sanity it's better that you do, otherwise you'll just end up seeing things you really didn't want to know about. If you really can't delete her then just remove her from your news feed and stay away from her profile page.

 

3. Before I start, can I send her a letter saying, basically, "I understand that I made you really insecure by keeping my ex so close, and I want to apologise for that..." etc? Or literally no contact from now?

 

See 1. I understand where the urge comes from, I kind of feel the same thing. But it's not going to bring her back, and anything less than that is not worth it. Don't push her even further away.

 

4. Can I ask if she is seeing this other guy?

 

What would you gain from doing so? If she says yes, it'll hurt you even more. And if she says no, chances are she's lying or she will be seeing him in the future, so it still won't put your mind at ease. What you don't know can't hurt you, so be kind to yourself and don't ask.

 

5. I know NC is meant to be for me (and not to win her back) but I really want this girl back in my life - I've only realised too late how much she means to me and how I have pushed her away. Argh. Any other thoughts / advice?

 

I'm kind of in the same position but as far as I know, the best chances you have at any kind of reconcilation will come by going NC for now. And even if she would agree to be friends, do you think you could handle it knowing she might have someone else (soon)? This is my main motivation to stay clear of friendship with my ex. I know I, for one, wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I think she would be friends with me, but... I dunno... I don't think I can do it yet.

[Milsch]

Staying friends with your ex when it upset Emily....then skinny dipping with the ex and others, knowing it would further upset Emily....it sounds like you were seriously testing Emily's tolerance level and unfortunately you exceeded it. You can't blame her, really, for cutting her losses and moving on, can you?

 

I'm not blaming her. I'm trying to figure out how to get her back.

 

Option 1

 

Stop being the guy who doesn't seem to care and start trying to win her back. The other issue here is that I am about to start a really demanding job and will have less time on my hands to spend trying to get back with her.

 

Option 2

 

Go NC and hope she misses me. But I don't think that will work. She is quite stubborn in that sense and she has even told me that she is more sure about our relationship when we're together, and less sure when we're not.

Edited August 22, 2011 by Milsch

[Chi townD]

Well, this is an advice forum. No one can tell you what to do and what not to do. Everything here is just a suggestion from people that have been down the road you're traveling. When it comes down to it, it's your life and you have to make those choices.

 

However; and you're not gonna like it, women tend to check out of relationship long before it ends. When they decide that it's over, they intend for it to stay that way and not much can change their minds on that. So, if you intend to infuse yourself back into her life. Tread carefully!! If you come off as "clingy" or "needy" that will be a total turn off for her and you won't win any points. So be careful!