That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I've been broken up with my abusive ex for almost 5 months now, and since we didn't date for long to begin with...I decided it would be okay to re-enter the dating scene. I'm 26 so I am trying to be cautious about who I date these days because I'm not getting any younger. Anyways I did something really stupid last night, and of course I feel like hell today for it. I guess I should start with some background. There is this guy...we'll call him J- that I have a huge crush on. J is a friend of a mutual friend of mine. We've known each other for a while, but he's always had a girlfriend up until recently. So being single myself, I decided to ask him out. J accepted and told me he was thinking the same thing. So we hang out and on the SECOND date, we sleep together. I NEVER do this sort of thing, I've been with a couple of guys but usually the only time I will ever have sex with someone is when I'm in a relationship. I don't know why I did it, I guess I wanted to start being more laid-back and not have such high expectations with men because I've clearly been hurt many times in the past. The sex was okay, but of course it wasn't as good as it could have been if we had actually known each other a little better. But he did hold me the entire night, and was very touchy and romantic about the whole thing. I can't believe that at 26 years old, I'm still thinking "I thought he actually liked me". He did call me the next day and he wanted to hang out again...which I thought was a good sign, but apparently not because after we watched the movie he wanted to have sex again. DUH. What else did I think he wanted to do? This time, I couldn't go through with it and I flat-out told him "I don't want to have sex right now". His demeanor entirely changed at that point. He started admitting that maybe he has been all about sex for the past little while, and that he's actually not totally over his ex...AND that he's not necessarily looking to get into anything. I feel like such an idiot. I don't know why I thought that sleeping with someone who just got out a long-term relationship on the second date was a good idea. I feel so used and low, but at the same time I kind of feel like this is my fault. I actually thought that he liked me, and I'm sure he does, but just not in the way he wants to be with me. I don't even know if I want to be with him, but I hate that I had sex with him and to him it means nothing. ****. I basically just left his place in the morning without saying goodbye because I thought he was asleep. I didn't really want to face him in the morning because I'm embarrassed and also really irked at the change in his affection after I declined sex. I did tell that I do like him, but I thought it was moving way too fast. Typical....but I was trying to be honest. Why do I feel like total ****?
Easyguy14 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I've been broken up with my abusive ex for almost 5 months now, and since we didn't date for long to begin with...I decided it would be okay to re-enter the dating scene. I'm 26 so I am trying to be cautious about who I date these days because I'm not getting any younger. Anyways I did something really stupid last night, and of course I feel like hell today for it. I guess I should start with some background. There is this guy...we'll call him J- that I have a huge crush on. J is a friend of a mutual friend of mine. We've known each other for a while, but he's always had a girlfriend up until recently. So being single myself, I decided to ask him out. J accepted and told me he was thinking the same thing. So we hang out and on the SECOND date, we sleep together. I NEVER do this sort of thing, I've been with a couple of guys but usually the only time I will ever have sex with someone is when I'm in a relationship. I don't know why I did it, I guess I wanted to start being more laid-back and not have such high expectations with men because I've clearly been hurt many times in the past. The sex was okay, but of course it wasn't as good as it could have been if we had actually known each other a little better. But he did hold me the entire night, and was very touchy and romantic about the whole thing. I can't believe that at 26 years old, I'm still thinking "I thought he actually liked me". He did call me the next day and he wanted to hang out again...which I thought was a good sign, but apparently not because after we watched the movie he wanted to have sex again. DUH. What else did I think he wanted to do? This time, I couldn't go through with it and I flat-out told him "I don't want to have sex right now". His demeanor entirely changed at that point. He started admitting that maybe he has been all about sex for the past little while, and that he's actually not totally over his ex...AND that he's not necessarily looking to get into anything. I feel like such an idiot. I don't know why I thought that sleeping with someone who just got out a long-term relationship on the second date was a good idea. I feel so used and low, but at the same time I kind of feel like this is my fault. I actually thought that he liked me, and I'm sure he does, but just not in the way he wants to be with me. I don't even know if I want to be with him, but I hate that I had sex with him and to him it means nothing. ****. I basically just left his place in the morning without saying goodbye because I thought he was asleep. I didn't really want to face him in the morning because I'm embarrassed and also really irked at the change in his affection after I declined sex. I did tell that I do like him, but I thought it was moving way too fast. Typical....but I was trying to be honest. Why do I feel like total ****? you slept with him so easily because you had a crush on him for a long time as you put it. you feel bad afterwards simply because you allowed for yourself to be used without developing the proper connection first. things are gonna be really awkward now between you guys. what are you gonna do?
Professor X Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think you're a bit to hard on yourself. All you did was having sex with a guy you liked, what the big deal? Don't you like sex? Didn't you have fun? Why go as far as saying you were "used" ??
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I don't know, I guess nothing. I think he might be offended that I just left without saying goodbye. But I really wasn't trying to be a bitch...I just honestly felt crappy and didn't know what to say or how to act. He didn't touch me at all throughout the night and when I did try to snuggle up to him, he moved away. Maybe he's angry because he thinks I led him on...but the problem isn't that I don't like him. It's that I do. So I kinda felt like it could have gotten really awkward in the morning. I think I would speak to him again if he contacts me, but I don't think I will contact him. I already feel pretty rejected and we don't even really know each other.
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I think you're a bit to hard on yourself. All you did was having sex with a guy you liked, what the big deal? Don't you like sex? Didn't you have fun? Why go as far as saying you were "used" ?? Yeah I totally do like sex. And I did have fun. But I'm kind of an emotional basketcase and I've always had self-esteem issues and fear of abandonment...and all of that other bullsh*t. I'd like to be the kind of person that can just enjoy themselves and not have regrets about things like that...but I know myself. And I know that I need to feel secure and loved in relationships. Casual sex just doesn't work for me....which is kind of why I'm blaming myself now for having it. lol
Professor X Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I don't know, I guess nothing. I think he might be offended that I just left without saying goodbye. But I really wasn't trying to be a bitch...I just honestly felt crappy and didn't know what to say or how to act. He didn't touch me at all throughout the night and when I did try to snuggle up to him, he moved away. Maybe he's angry because he thinks I led him on...but the problem isn't that I don't like him. It's that I do. So I kinda felt like it could have gotten really awkward in the morning. I think I would speak to him again if he contacts me, but I don't think I will contact him. I already feel pretty rejected and we don't even really know each other. Well, in my opinion you rejected him first, so you should be contacting him. You told him you don't want sex; Do you have any idea what a mood killer it is for a guy? It's like a kick in the balls.. worse actually - so no wonder he didn't snuggle you at night or turned around. It does look like you were leading him.
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I would do nothing and consider it a lesson learned. Some people can have casual sex, and some people can't. I don't see how you got used, either. You're being way hard on yourself, and maybe on him as well. You were both honest with each other, but unfortunately, after the cat was already out of the bag. Now you know better. Just move on.
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Well, in my opinion you rejected him first, so you should be contacting him. You told him you don't want sex; Do you have any idea what a mood killer it is for a guy? It's like a kick in the balls.. worse actually - so no wonder he didn't snuggle you at night or turned around. It does look like you were leading him. So what is the alternative? I should have just slept with him so that I wouldn't damage his ego? **** that.
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I would do nothing and consider it a lesson learned. Some people can have casual sex, and some people can't. I don't see how you got used, either. You're being way hard on yourself, and maybe on him as well. You were both honest with each other, but unfortunately, after the cat was already out of the bag. Now you know better. Just move on. I think you're right, I just feel bad because friends have told me that I do have a tendency to lead people on. And I am really confused right now. I like him, I don't think he is a bad person. But yeah, sex just really complicated something that shouldn't be that complicated. I don't really find casual sex fulfilling...so I probably shouldn't be having it. Do you think I need to talk to him? I don't want him to think that I'm upset at him.
sm1tten Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think you're right, I just feel bad because friends have told me that I do have a tendency to lead people on. And I am really confused right now. I like him, I don't think he is a bad person. But yeah, sex just really complicated something that shouldn't be that complicated. I don't really find casual sex fulfilling...so I probably shouldn't be having it. Do you think I need to talk to him? I don't want him to think that I'm upset at him. If you want, you could just say/text/email/whatever, "Hey, I like you, but I'm not sure I'm down with just casual sex right now. I had a good time, no hard feelings, can we just be friends?" And don't sleep with him again.
Romeofud Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 I think you're right, I just feel bad because friends have told me that I do have a tendency to lead people on. And I am really confused right now. I like him, I don't think he is a bad person. But yeah, sex just really complicated something that shouldn't be that complicated. I don't really find casual sex fulfilling...so I probably shouldn't be having it. Do you think I need to talk to him? I don't want him to think that I'm upset at him. Go talk to him and then get laid again lol. But for real ma, lifes short so do u as much u can cuz all this **** could end tomorrow.
Professor X Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 So what is the alternative? I should have just slept with him so that I wouldn't damage his ego? **** that. It's not about ego, it about rejection: You rejected him. And no, I'm not saying you should just sleep with him, I'm saying that what you did was hurting as well and that is why he's acting the way he is. What I do think you should do is contact him and clear the air.
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 Thank you smitten. That actually covers everything I want to say to him. And doesn't make me seem like a jerk. I guess I'll text him at some point.
Author That_girl Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 It's not about ego, it about rejection: You rejected him. And no, I'm not saying you should just sleep with him, I'm saying that what you did was hurting as well and that is why he's acting the way he is. What I do think you should do is contact him and clear the air. I think I will, I'm not trying to reject him. I actually like him and I'm very afraid of getting hurt. I kinda told him this last night, but I guess he was kinda pissed in the moment. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to contact him soon.
dispatch3d Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 A guy would take "I don't want to have sex right now" as "I don't ever want to have sex with you again". ie. he probably felt pretty rejected over the whole thing. Just say that everytime you see a guy at the start you don't like to have sex. He may have been doing some ego-protecting at the end. That said, just cause you had sex with him, doesn't mean he will date you. Completely agree with that. You may want to have a relationship talk - minutes after rejecting sex from the guy isn't the best time though....
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