Really long-winded tale. You were warned.

[skelterhelter]

Hello, everyone I'm new to this forum, but in my last few weeks of lurking have been impressed with the enormity of this place and just how helpful everyone seems to be; which brings me here now. I hope my post isn't too long-winded, but I figured the more detail on my situation, the better. Here goes:

 

I'm a female in my 20s who's had a bit of a secret penchance for older men. I've never dated an older guy; most of the guys I've dated were my age, give or take a couple years. However, I had my first experience with an older man at college...with the professor. Yes, I was that girl. He was in his late 50s and the most intelligent, witty guy I've ever met, and being in his arms just made me feel so complete, so loved. We connected on an emotional level, too; it wasn't just the kissing and holding each other that made me melt. Despite three years of connecting with this man (and make no mistake -- he cared for me too), he ended things with me because he felt his job was on the line and couldn't get past the student/professor relationship. Looking back, as angry as I was at him for doing that to me, I can see where he was coming from and respect his decision. He was right all along (damn him...). I have since moved on. This separation happened in early February.

 

A few months later, I began to notice an older customer at work (I work at a small grocery store) flirting with me. He's in his 40s...in nice shape and very sweet, but kinda naive and awkward at the same time. I guess because I was still reeling from the loss of my relationship with the professor that I never took the flirtation seriously, although I did take notice. The guy would come in whenever I was working (and I literally work days in a row...c'mon, how many people need 5 containers of ice cream two days after buying 5 on Friday?!) and stare at me, giving me smiles and going out of his way to make sure I was the one who helped him. One day he leaned over the counter and quite bashfully told me he'd seen me driving on the highway once (I guess he was behind me?) and said I looked cute (because I am REALLY short, so anyone behind me must think a ghost is driving the car, lol). He also said I should talk to him about my college experience one day (never once looking me in the eye; just very shy-like). When he began complimenting my looks is when the little light bulb above my head flashed: he must like me! He would always slip in little things like, "I like your nose ring...it suits your face" or "Your hair's gotten long. It looks really nice" and "You're wearing a little bit of make-up today. It looks good."

 

These details may seem pointless, but I swear I'm working up to it, lol. One night this customer came in wearing a Grateful Dead hoodie the night after I told him I loved 60s music, and the next time after that, as I was ringing him up, he honed in on my finger and said, "What kind of class ring is that? I've never seen it before. Can I see it?" and showed him. We'd gone to the same high school (albeit 20 years apart, lol), so I honestly thought he was just curious. I took it off to show him and saw him focusing on the name engraved on the side, which was my name. Ever since that night, he began calling me by name.

 

Well, my coworkers took notice of this guy always coming in on nights I was there and began to tease me. He'd just left the store (or so I thought....) and my one coworker said something in his voice ("Your nail polish looks soooo good!" or something along those lines, lol), and it turns out he was still in the store!!! He never said anything to indicate he'd heard, but he HAD to have heard something -- the store is really tiny and it was dead that night. I hushed for her to be quiet, that he was still there, although he never said a word about it that night.

 

My fears were true because, two days later, he stopped in and he was waiting on line, turned to me and said, "It's okay that I heard you talking about me. No worries." I tried apologizing profusely and he just turned his head back to face the front. On the way out, he looked over at me and said goodbye, but I kept my head down and mumbled goodbye back without eye contact. Lo and behold, he came in 15 minutes later to grab one little item and said very loudly to me on the way out: "Goodbye!"

 

A week went by and I didn't see him in the store. I figured he must've been ticked off. Anyway, one day I went into a local drugstore to shop and came face-to-face with him. I was still very mortified from his hearing me talk about him, so I kept my gaze down and mumbled hello. He asked if I was working that night (which I was) and I said yes. He told me he might be in later then. He did come in as promised, and the first thing he asked me was whether or not I was mad at him; I played it cool, saying I just had a migraine. We talked for about 10 minutes and I discovered he was actually quite nice and personable, and I felt even more foolish for talking **** about him. On the way out, he gave me a little wave and a big smile, saying, "It was nice talking to you." I said the feeling was mutual and watched him leave the store, lingering by the exit. Now, he would do this very often: buy stuff, linger by the counter where I was standing, then make his way out, hovering again by the door as if he was thinking. This time he doubled back and caught me completely off guard.

 

"Hey, I need to ask you something," he said.

 

"Yes?" I said politely, thinking it was an innocent question about the store.

 

"We should go out sometime. Do you have a boyfriend?"

 

I was shocked. I mean, I knew he'd had a thing for me but didn't actually think he'd ask me out. In my surprise, I mumbled, "I'm sorry...you're a little out of my age range."

 

"Yeah, that's what I figured. Ok, goodnight," he mumbled, and booked it out of the store. My coworker had witnessed the whole thing and was laughing at me the entire night. I was embarrassed, but mostly for how I'd rejected him. I should've been more tactful, but he caught me off guard. He didn't come into the store for weeks after that, and then a month went by. I began to think of him all the time, wondering if I had been too hasty. He was cute and endearing, and I was very flattered he'd asked me out. I guess I was just afraid of the judgements from my coworkers, knowing very well they'd laugh.

 

To give you the Cliff Notes version of how I amended things with him:

 

* Wrote him a letter and said I'd love to get to know him sometime, maybe through Facebook where would could take it slow and become friends first.

 

* Ran into my chance and gave him said letter. He seemed happy to do this, although I had a feeling he didn't have a computer or didn't know about to use Facebook.

 

* Weeks went by and still no add from him, although he knew my name and a way to get to me on the computer. He then comes into my job on a day I usually work, although I had taken off that day for Father's Day. I just so happened to stop into the store that day and ran into him. Talked to him in his car for a few minutes and he apologized for not adding me yet, that he was technologically retarded. I offered to write down the instructions and he didn't seem to need them -- told me he already had them written down, that it was just taking him some time. I, again, had the suspicion he just didn't have a computer. He told me to be patient with him, that he really "wants to spoil me" (exact words) if I give him the chance. Last words he said to me before I left the car were, "You look good," with a big smile.

 

* Again, a couple weeks go by and still no add. I was now becoming pissed and ready to give up on him. I went to the same local drugstore near my job (the one I constantly seem to run into him at) and saw his car immediately pull in after mine as if he'd been waiting for me! Totally weird. I went into the store to grab my cat food and saw him ease from his car -- which was parked next to mine -- as if he'd just gotten there. He said hello and told me he was sorry about the Facebook thing again, but that he'd really like to get to know me. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. We sat in my car and chatted, trying to escape the overbearing heat. He told me he'd gotten really sick these past few weeks and also had to attend the wake for one of the pharmacy shooting victims. I gave him a hug for condolence, which he seemed to like because he asked for another hug before he left, saying how nice it felt and he could "get used to squeezing you (me) like this." We made plans for a movie some time soon, but no specific date was planned.

 

After I gave him my number he began bombarding me with calls. The first day I gave it to him, he called me that very night, but I didn't pick up, nor did I return the call till the next afternoon. I called him the next day to see what he wanted, but got a very weird voicemail. It was a girl saying in a sexy, hushed voice that "_____ can't come to the phone right now. He's alllll tied up." I was ****ing pissed after hearing that. Not that I am some prude, but I was like, Who's the girl? Why is a girl on his voicemail using implied sexual innuendo when he's trying to date me?" It was very off-putting. I also had a suspicion it was his ex, who he mentioned is still very needy and he helps her out time to time (not in a sexual way, but with physical labor around her house). So he called me back within the minute and I gave him the cold shoulder. He asked me if I wanted to go to a movie that very night because he knew I had to work the weekend, but I told him it was my brother's birthday and that I couldn't (which he knew already). I hung up very abruptly after saying goodbye in a cold voice. He kept leaving me messages the next day about how he was wondering how things worked out with visiting my brother (who is in the hospital), and that I'd seemed "very troubled" when I talked to him the day before. I didn't talk to him till the following Friday. I had a fight with my dad that night and texted that guy because he was the only one I knew to turn to. I just needed out for a little while. Anyway, he called me immediately after receiving the text and asked me if I was safe and okay to be there. I told him I just wanted out for a while, so he agreed to meet me at the parking lot of the drugstore we always run into each at. The first thing I did when I got into that car was envelop him in a hug and kiss him feverishly. I dunno if it was because I was hurting and really needed someone at that moment (and he was there for me), but it felt good to have someone be there for me. We made out and held each other, and he told me how good it felt to do that. He said he'd been watching me in the store for a long time, that he'd thought I was super cute for YEARS, not just months. He also mentioned that he'd always stop in after work just to look at me, that he didn't feel complete unless he did so. Somehow the sweet stuff turned sexual (as it always does, LOL. I contributed to this as well, so it wasn't him coaxing me into it), and we talked about sexy topics. He admitted that he'd tossed off a few times already to thoughts of me, and feeling my ego rise a few bars, took it upon myself to start fondling and sucking him...down there. I dunno, I guess I was just running on adrenaline or some sort of natural high...but it felt RIGHT. And I just loved how protective his arms felt around me. We only did stuff for about a minute but had to stop because cars were pulling into the lot. He whined that he wished he could just follow me home but we just parted ways and said goodnight instead. I texted him later that night before bed and said I missed him and thanked him for being there for me.

 

Next day I was running errands and got another call from him saying how much he missed me too (in response to my text). I couldn't call back because I was out all day and then had to work, but I swear I saw his car driving by my job right near closing time. Anyway, as I suspected, he called when I got home from work and left me a voicemail (I more or less screen messages before I call people back. Just a habit, I guess) and he said, "I hope everything's okay. I miss you" in a way that implied "Well, I miss you. Why don't you miss me?" type of voice. He overemphasized the "I" and sounded really pissy in general. I called him back and asked him if he wanted to hang. He seemed reluctant at first (his ailing mother lives with him and he has to be at her beck and call sometimes. Another story for another day), but eventually agreed. I had a weird feeling he was just doing it because I mentioned I wanted to fool around, but I hoped that wasn't the case. It just seems that once I teased him about what we did last night, he seemed horny and raring to go. To make matters short...we met up, drove around town, and had the best time of our lives just being silly. Then we went back to my house and hooked up. It was the most amazing sex of my life and just felt right being in his arms.

 

But then he seemed to cool off after that. The phone calls and stops to see me calmed down, although he did still seem eager to make plans to see that movie with me. I thought maybe it was the sex that changed everything, but I thought maybe it was because he realized he was being overbearing. He even mentioned--before the sex--that he thought he was being overbearing with the calls, and I snapped at him later in the convo, telling him he should have his own opinion (because I was sick of it always being up to me to decide or it's whatever I want. Believe it or not, that can get annoying!). I called him on Tuesday (two days after we had sex) and asked him if he wanted to hang. He said he shouldn't leave, that his mom was being overly needy on him. Ok. I was cool with it that night. The next day was our movie date and he seemed eager to be with me again, even wanting to push up the time we met so we could drive around and talk before the movie. He even took the scenic route so it would take longer to get there. On the way, we ended up talking and somehow got to the topic of drug use. He knows I am hardcore against it because of family issues and I slipped in a comment saying I was even against pot use. He side glanced me and said, "I do that sometimes. Is that okay?"

 

Immediately, I clammed up and started to feel different. Kinda hurt, kinda angry. I do not want to date a pothead. It's just one of those dealbreakers for me. I told him I thought I'd smelled pot in his car on Saturday night when he hooked up (which was coincidentally the day he told me he'd stop into work and never did. Had a million excuses and some big story about why he couldn't make it there. Hmm). Already things were falling into place. It was the same **** with an ex-boyfriend who was a drug user, too -- always blowing me off and hiding it from me. Making excuses about why he couldn't see me, yet was seeing his friends to do drugs.

 

I told him I felt differently after finding out this knowledge. He immediately said, "Wait, don't blow me off just yet" but I was still pretty quiet the rest of the ride to the theater. We did see the movie but it was very awkward the ride home. He made it clear to me that he wasn't sure if he could reject the pot if it came into the picture. He claimed he used it for medical reasons but that he did ultimately like doing it, which is why he didn't want to think of how it would hurt me if he caved in. I held firm to my convictions at the end of the night before we parted, saying I couldn't be with someone who did any sort of drugs, that we could be friends. I did tell him I was sad (because he could see it in my face) and he leaned over and gave me a polite but tender kiss on the cheek. Before I got into my car, he said, "I'm really sorry. I feel this is my fault, that something is wrong with me." I said it was okay, that he was who he was and I am who I am, that it was just an incompatibility problem. I wasn't going to ask him to give up pot for me, nor was I going to nag him. But I have every right not to get involved with someone who does something I don't agree with.

 

Anyway, I was feeling down and missing him, so I texted and said he was still a cool guy, that I missed him. Nothing lovey dovey, just the truth. I didn't want him to feel like it was all his fault. He called me back the next day and told me he missed me too. He said he'd call or stop in the next day while I was at work but never did. Still feeling like maybe he'd wanted to patch things up with me, this was kinda the last straw. He'd blown me off too many times now. I turned my phone off for three days so all he'd get was my voicemail when he tried to call. He didn't leave a single message. I heard he'd stopped in my job a few nights I was off and asked a coworker where I was (one of those days was a day he'd gotten snippy with me about. I told him I was going to visit my brother that day and had to postpone the movie till Wednesday. Well, on the phone he said, "That takes ALL day?"). Still no voicemail, though, till the other night. He left one that said he'd had dental work done and couldn't really talk, but that he'd missed me and still thought me all the time. I still haven't returned the call.

 

That, my friends, is my saga. I am so sorry for it being soooo long, but I had to explain everything in order to ask my questions:

 

1) I don't understand how he could go from being sooooo clingy and almost posessive, so swinging into this indifferent, doesn't care to see me behavior. What's the deal?

 

2) I thought the fact he was older would be an issue, but he's ultimately IMMATURE. He has a full-time job at a hospital, which is good...but still lives under mommy's rule and has to cater to her first. I understand because she's in her 80's and ailing, but I would like to think I would factor in as somewhat important. Plus, the whole pot smoking thing just sends up red flags.

 

3) A lot of people I talked about him with said he sounded like a stalker. Does what I wrote up there raise any red flags?

 

4) Do you even think it's worth it? I told him we had to take it slow because I have never been in a relationship with an older guy before, but we ended up going wayyyy too fast and things burst into flames rather fast. I just dunno what to think. Even through all this, I still miss things about him. He really is a good guy, just naive and a bit immature. But I miss his enthusiasm and his sweet smile and the way he held me. We don't connect on a lot of levels, but I do like him being in my arms because it feels so good and so right. This is the same commonality I had with my professor and I've come to realize I need this secure feeling in a relationship. No guy my age has given me that before and I crave it. This new guy does give me that feeling and is attainable, which is nice because my prof was forbidden fruit in a way. What do you think? Should I call him back?

 

If you made it through this, you get a cookie...and a smile

[MrNate]

Thank goodness you warned us.

 

 

Because I still didn't read it.

[John Michael Kane]

Hello, everyone I'm new to this forum, but in my last few weeks of lurking have been impressed with the enormity of this place and just how helpful everyone seems to be; which brings me here now. I hope my post isn't too long-winded, but I figured the more detail on my situation, the better. Here goes:

 

I'm a female in my 20s who's had a bit of a secret penchance for older men. I've never dated an older guy; most of the guys I've dated were my age, give or take a couple years. However, I had my first experience with an older man at college...with the professor. Yes, I was that girl. He was in his late 50s and the most intelligent, witty guy I've ever met, and being in his arms just made me feel so complete, so loved. We connected on an emotional level, too; it wasn't just the kissing and holding each other that made me melt. Despite three years of connecting with this man (and make no mistake -- he cared for me too), he ended things with me because he felt his job was on the line and couldn't get past the student/professor relationship. Looking back, as angry as I was at him for doing that to me, I can see where he was coming from and respect his decision. He was right all along (damn him...). I have since moved on. This separation happened in early February.

 

A few months later, I began to notice an older customer at work (I work at a small grocery store) flirting with me. He's in his 40s...in nice shape and very sweet, but kinda naive and awkward at the same time. I guess because I was still reeling from the loss of my relationship with the professor that I never took the flirtation seriously, although I did take notice. The guy would come in whenever I was working (and I literally work days in a row...c'mon, how many people need 5 containers of ice cream two days after buying 5 on Friday?!) and stare at me, giving me smiles and going out of his way to make sure I was the one who helped him. One day he leaned over the counter and quite bashfully told me he'd seen me driving on the highway once (I guess he was behind me?) and said I looked cute (because I am REALLY short, so anyone behind me must think a ghost is driving the car, lol). He also said I should talk to him about my college experience one day (never once looking me in the eye; just very shy-like). When he began complimenting my looks is when the little light bulb above my head flashed: he must like me! He would always slip in little things like, "I like your nose ring...it suits your face" or "Your hair's gotten long. It looks really nice" and "You're wearing a little bit of make-up today. It looks good."

 

These details may seem pointless, but I swear I'm working up to it, lol. One night this customer came in wearing a Grateful Dead hoodie the night after I told him I loved 60s music, and the next time after that, as I was ringing him up, he honed in on my finger and said, "What kind of class ring is that? I've never seen it before. Can I see it?" and showed him. We'd gone to the same high school (albeit 20 years apart, lol), so I honestly thought he was just curious. I took it off to show him and saw him focusing on the name engraved on the side, which was my name. Ever since that night, he began calling me by name.

 

Well, my coworkers took notice of this guy always coming in on nights I was there and began to tease me. He'd just left the store (or so I thought....) and my one coworker said something in his voice ("Your nail polish looks soooo good!" or something along those lines, lol), and it turns out he was still in the store!!! He never said anything to indicate he'd heard, but he HAD to have heard something -- the store is really tiny and it was dead that night. I hushed for her to be quiet, that he was still there, although he never said a word about it that night.

 

My fears were true because, two days later, he stopped in and he was waiting on line, turned to me and said, "It's okay that I heard you talking about me. No worries." I tried apologizing profusely and he just turned his head back to face the front. On the way out, he looked over at me and said goodbye, but I kept my head down and mumbled goodbye back without eye contact. Lo and behold, he came in 15 minutes later to grab one little item and said very loudly to me on the way out: "Goodbye!"

 

A week went by and I didn't see him in the store. I figured he must've been ticked off. Anyway, one day I went into a local drugstore to shop and came face-to-face with him. I was still very mortified from his hearing me talk about him, so I kept my gaze down and mumbled hello. He asked if I was working that night (which I was) and I said yes. He told me he might be in later then. He did come in as promised, and the first thing he asked me was whether or not I was mad at him; I played it cool, saying I just had a migraine. We talked for about 10 minutes and I discovered he was actually quite nice and personable, and I felt even more foolish for talking **** about him. On the way out, he gave me a little wave and a big smile, saying, "It was nice talking to you." I said the feeling was mutual and watched him leave the store, lingering by the exit. Now, he would do this very often: buy stuff, linger by the counter where I was standing, then make his way out, hovering again by the door as if he was thinking. This time he doubled back and caught me completely off guard.

 

"Hey, I need to ask you something," he said.

 

"Yes?" I said politely, thinking it was an innocent question about the store.

 

"We should go out sometime. Do you have a boyfriend?"

 

I was shocked. I mean, I knew he'd had a thing for me but didn't actually think he'd ask me out. In my surprise, I mumbled, "I'm sorry...you're a little out of my age range."

 

"Yeah, that's what I figured. Ok, goodnight," he mumbled, and booked it out of the store. My coworker had witnessed the whole thing and was laughing at me the entire night. I was embarrassed, but mostly for how I'd rejected him. I should've been more tactful, but he caught me off guard. He didn't come into the store for weeks after that, and then a month went by. I began to think of him all the time, wondering if I had been too hasty. He was cute and endearing, and I was very flattered he'd asked me out. I guess I was just afraid of the judgements from my coworkers, knowing very well they'd laugh.

 

To give you the Cliff Notes version of how I amended things with him:

 

* Wrote him a letter and said I'd love to get to know him sometime, maybe through Facebook where would could take it slow and become friends first.

 

* Ran into my chance and gave him said letter. He seemed happy to do this, although I had a feeling he didn't have a computer or didn't know about to use Facebook.

 

* Weeks went by and still no add from him, although he knew my name and a way to get to me on the computer. He then comes into my job on a day I usually work, although I had taken off that day for Father's Day. I just so happened to stop into the store that day and ran into him. Talked to him in his car for a few minutes and he apologized for not adding me yet, that he was technologically retarded. I offered to write down the instructions and he didn't seem to need them -- told me he already had them written down, that it was just taking him some time. I, again, had the suspicion he just didn't have a computer. He told me to be patient with him, that he really "wants to spoil me" (exact words) if I give him the chance. Last words he said to me before I left the car were, "You look good," with a big smile.

 

* Again, a couple weeks go by and still no add. I was now becoming pissed and ready to give up on him. I went to the same local drugstore near my job (the one I constantly seem to run into him at) and saw his car immediately pull in after mine as if he'd been waiting for me! Totally weird. I went into the store to grab my cat food and saw him ease from his car -- which was parked next to mine -- as if he'd just gotten there. He said hello and told me he was sorry about the Facebook thing again, but that he'd really like to get to know me. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. We sat in my car and chatted, trying to escape the overbearing heat. He told me he'd gotten really sick these past few weeks and also had to attend the wake for one of the pharmacy shooting victims. I gave him a hug for condolence, which he seemed to like because he asked for another hug before he left, saying how nice it felt and he could "get used to squeezing you (me) like this." We made plans for a movie some time soon, but no specific date was planned.

 

After I gave him my number he began bombarding me with calls. The first day I gave it to him, he called me that very night, but I didn't pick up, nor did I return the call till the next afternoon. I called him the next day to see what he wanted, but got a very weird voicemail. It was a girl saying in a sexy, hushed voice that "_____ can't come to the phone right now. He's alllll tied up." I was ****ing pissed after hearing that. Not that I am some prude, but I was like, Who's the girl? Why is a girl on his voicemail using implied sexual innuendo when he's trying to date me?" It was very off-putting. I also had a suspicion it was his ex, who he mentioned is still very needy and he helps her out time to time (not in a sexual way, but with physical labor around her house). So he called me back within the minute and I gave him the cold shoulder. He asked me if I wanted to go to a movie that very night because he knew I had to work the weekend, but I told him it was my brother's birthday and that I couldn't (which he knew already). I hung up very abruptly after saying goodbye in a cold voice. He kept leaving me messages the next day about how he was wondering how things worked out with visiting my brother (who is in the hospital), and that I'd seemed "very troubled" when I talked to him the day before. I didn't talk to him till the following Friday. I had a fight with my dad that night and texted that guy because he was the only one I knew to turn to. I just needed out for a little while. Anyway, he called me immediately after receiving the text and asked me if I was safe and okay to be there. I told him I just wanted out for a while, so he agreed to meet me at the parking lot of the drugstore we always run into each at. The first thing I did when I got into that car was envelop him in a hug and kiss him feverishly. I dunno if it was because I was hurting and really needed someone at that moment (and he was there for me), but it felt good to have someone be there for me. We made out and held each other, and he told me how good it felt to do that. He said he'd been watching me in the store for a long time, that he'd thought I was super cute for YEARS, not just months. He also mentioned that he'd always stop in after work just to look at me, that he didn't feel complete unless he did so. Somehow the sweet stuff turned sexual (as it always does, LOL. I contributed to this as well, so it wasn't him coaxing me into it), and we talked about sexy topics. He admitted that he'd tossed off a few times already to thoughts of me, and feeling my ego rise a few bars, took it upon myself to start fondling and sucking him...down there. I dunno, I guess I was just running on adrenaline or some sort of natural high...but it felt RIGHT. And I just loved how protective his arms felt around me. We only did stuff for about a minute but had to stop because cars were pulling into the lot. He whined that he wished he could just follow me home but we just parted ways and said goodnight instead. I texted him later that night before bed and said I missed him and thanked him for being there for me.

 

Next day I was running errands and got another call from him saying how much he missed me too (in response to my text). I couldn't call back because I was out all day and then had to work, but I swear I saw his car driving by my job right near closing time. Anyway, as I suspected, he called when I got home from work and left me a voicemail (I more or less screen messages before I call people back. Just a habit, I guess) and he said, "I hope everything's okay. I miss you" in a way that implied "Well, I miss you. Why don't you miss me?" type of voice. He overemphasized the "I" and sounded really pissy in general. I called him back and asked him if he wanted to hang. He seemed reluctant at first (his ailing mother lives with him and he has to be at her beck and call sometimes. Another story for another day), but eventually agreed. I had a weird feeling he was just doing it because I mentioned I wanted to fool around, but I hoped that wasn't the case. It just seems that once I teased him about what we did last night, he seemed horny and raring to go. To make matters short...we met up, drove around town, and had the best time of our lives just being silly. Then we went back to my house and hooked up. It was the most amazing sex of my life and just felt right being in his arms.

 

But then he seemed to cool off after that. The phone calls and stops to see me calmed down, although he did still seem eager to make plans to see that movie with me. I thought maybe it was the sex that changed everything, but I thought maybe it was because he realized he was being overbearing. He even mentioned--before the sex--that he thought he was being overbearing with the calls, and I snapped at him later in the convo, telling him he should have his own opinion (because I was sick of it always being up to me to decide or it's whatever I want. Believe it or not, that can get annoying!). I called him on Tuesday (two days after we had sex) and asked him if he wanted to hang. He said he shouldn't leave, that his mom was being overly needy on him. Ok. I was cool with it that night. The next day was our movie date and he seemed eager to be with me again, even wanting to push up the time we met so we could drive around and talk before the movie. He even took the scenic route so it would take longer to get there. On the way, we ended up talking and somehow got to the topic of drug use. He knows I am hardcore against it because of family issues and I slipped in a comment saying I was even against pot use. He side glanced me and said, "I do that sometimes. Is that okay?"

 

Immediately, I clammed up and started to feel different. Kinda hurt, kinda angry. I do not want to date a pothead. It's just one of those dealbreakers for me. I told him I thought I'd smelled pot in his car on Saturday night when he hooked up (which was coincidentally the day he told me he'd stop into work and never did. Had a million excuses and some big story about why he couldn't make it there. Hmm). Already things were falling into place. It was the same **** with an ex-boyfriend who was a drug user, too -- always blowing me off and hiding it from me. Making excuses about why he couldn't see me, yet was seeing his friends to do drugs.

 

I told him I felt differently after finding out this knowledge. He immediately said, "Wait, don't blow me off just yet" but I was still pretty quiet the rest of the ride to the theater. We did see the movie but it was very awkward the ride home. He made it clear to me that he wasn't sure if he could reject the pot if it came into the picture. He claimed he used it for medical reasons but that he did ultimately like doing it, which is why he didn't want to think of how it would hurt me if he caved in. I held firm to my convictions at the end of the night before we parted, saying I couldn't be with someone who did any sort of drugs, that we could be friends. I did tell him I was sad (because he could see it in my face) and he leaned over and gave me a polite but tender kiss on the cheek. Before I got into my car, he said, "I'm really sorry. I feel this is my fault, that something is wrong with me." I said it was okay, that he was who he was and I am who I am, that it was just an incompatibility problem. I wasn't going to ask him to give up pot for me, nor was I going to nag him. But I have every right not to get involved with someone who does something I don't agree with.

 

Anyway, I was feeling down and missing him, so I texted and said he was still a cool guy, that I missed him. Nothing lovey dovey, just the truth. I didn't want him to feel like it was all his fault. He called me back the next day and told me he missed me too. He said he'd call or stop in the next day while I was at work but never did. Still feeling like maybe he'd wanted to patch things up with me, this was kinda the last straw. He'd blown me off too many times now. I turned my phone off for three days so all he'd get was my voicemail when he tried to call. He didn't leave a single message. I heard he'd stopped in my job a few nights I was off and asked a coworker where I was (one of those days was a day he'd gotten snippy with me about. I told him I was going to visit my brother that day and had to postpone the movie till Wednesday. Well, on the phone he said, "That takes ALL day?"). Still no voicemail, though, till the other night. He left one that said he'd had dental work done and couldn't really talk, but that he'd missed me and still thought me all the time. I still haven't returned the call.

 

That, my friends, is my saga. I am so sorry for it being soooo long, but I had to explain everything in order to ask my questions:

 

1) I don't understand how he could go from being sooooo clingy and almost posessive, so swinging into this indifferent, doesn't care to see me behavior. What's the deal?

 

2) I thought the fact he was older would be an issue, but he's ultimately IMMATURE. He has a full-time job at a hospital, which is good...but still lives under mommy's rule and has to cater to her first. I understand because she's in her 80's and ailing, but I would like to think I would factor in as somewhat important. Plus, the whole pot smoking thing just sends up red flags.

 

3) A lot of people I talked about him with said he sounded like a stalker. Does what I wrote up there raise any red flags?

 

4) Do you even think it's worth it? I told him we had to take it slow because I have never been in a relationship with an older guy before, but we ended up going wayyyy too fast and things burst into flames rather fast. I just dunno what to think. Even through all this, I still miss things about him. He really is a good guy, just naive and a bit immature. But I miss his enthusiasm and his sweet smile and the way he held me. We don't connect on a lot of levels, but I do like him being in my arms because it feels so good and so right. This is the same commonality I had with my professor and I've come to realize I need this secure feeling in a relationship. No guy my age has given me that before and I crave it. This new guy does give me that feeling and is attainable, which is nice because my prof was forbidden fruit in a way. What do you think? Should I call him back?

 

If you made it through this, you get a cookie...and a smile

 

Stick to those your age.

[dreamingoftigers]

Let this one go. Jeez. If it is this much hassle from the get-go, just forget it!