babyygirllhi Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) I was with a 22 year old, I am 24. I was his first girlfriend, first real love, and we were together 11 months. He says he has never felt this way about anyone, not even close. Im American and have been living in sweden for the past 4 years and he is swedish. It all started very fast and serious, sinse we lived in diff cities and bc I knew I would be moving back to florida in one year (so in 2 weeks from now). So we moved in together first week and spent 24/7 together the whole year! He always wanted to move away from sweden, hates the cold, so I took him to Florida where i’m from, and said he could see himself living there, he loved it. He ended up breaking up with me to be alone, about 1.5 months ago, but it was a very long process where he wasn’t sure what he wanted, we kept seeing eachother, etc. He said breaking up is the hardest thing he has ever done. Also said he was still in love with me and i’m amazing and perfect, loves how I see life etc and if he were to be with someone, it would be me. He has told me he sees me as the mother to his kids, etc. But he needs to be alone to find himself. There were MANY tears throughout this long breakup. I tried to keep him, told him i’d give him space etc, but he said no. I taught him many things during the year we were together…about emotions and love, I opened him up very much. He had never had much sex before me as he didnt like it so much, was uncomfortable to him. But that changed completely after he met me, after time and lots of communication, and we have AMAZING passionate sex. He was very independent when we met and I see him as just immature and not sure what he wants in life or what makes him happy. I also see him as immature in the sense that he doesn’t know how to compromise. Everything is black and white and he is a bit impulsive, only goes on how he feels in the momemt. I saw this since we first met and throughout the entire relationship nothing seemed to please him in life, like nothing was good enough. He also said he was always trying to just do what made me happy (which i can see him doing since nothing seemed to make him happy plus that since he didn’t know how to compromise, he thought he would just try and please me all the time). I see him as a guy who just doesn’t know how to compromise, because he’s never had to since he never had a relationship. And this ended up depressing him. He couldn’t think of himself when we were together, he didn’t know how. I actually think it could be a problem that he needs to fix with himself and that’s why he felt bad in the relathinoship, he could only treat everything as black and white… He is very very kind and giving but just hasnt found himself and is selfish in the sense that he is into himself, making himself better. Doesnt understand how he affects others, however he is learning... I see this as complete immaturity? And i’m way ahead. Plus i am sooo full of love. He isnt, because isnt it true that if you arent happy with urself you cant really give love? Also, when we broke up he said "i have to figure out if i'm ready to give you 100% like you deserve, or if im not ready..." he of course ended up saying he isnt ready. Its like he is just too young, you know. We just saw eachother to say a last bye before i move, after 3 weeks of not seeing eachother, and it was amazing. We spent one night together. Upon seeing eachother, it was passion. Hugging, tears, giggling, kissing, and just holding eachother. We went to my place and made love over and over, both shaking and looking into eachothers eyes, it was just amazing. We talked about life, what we have both learned lately, etc. we both see things the same and when I would say things he would say I’m amazing etc. Its just the things he is learning now, are what i have already learned. Once when he held me, he said ”dont you feel the love i have for you?” and I do. But he cant be with me because when he is with me, he doesn’t know how to think of himself. Im thinking a psychologist could help? Or is it just simply that he needs to grow up? He listens to me, and we are best friends. He is not the typical guy. Not into partying or drinking etc. Even though I have tried and tried to be with him, tried to explain and teach him things so that we could be together, nothing worked. People have to grow and experience things in order to change. But where do you see this ending ? I mean months, years down the road? The passion and love we have for each other is real. The friendship, the trust, and the attraction is all there. We have the same goals. Enjoy the same things and see life the same way. THe only difference i know of is that he doesnt enjoy going out, drinking, clubbing ... and i do. (not that i have to do it all the time, but i do enjoy it sometimes). His oldest friend he has known sinse he was a kid told him he sees me being the perfect girl for him, his grandpa fell in love with me (cute old man!) and he told me the other night "my dad is getting old you know, and his eyes are looking tired, but when he talks about you i can just see them light up. I think he really loves you." Not that it matters what his family thinks, but still ... So how could he break up? Is it simply he is not ready? He is hurting as well. But he says he has to be alone, he made this choice. Also, when I asked him the other night if he is happy he said “I don’t know.” And just keep in mind when answering this question, EVERYTHING is there. We are AMAZING together. And the love is extremely strong. He would do anything for me (to this day) as I would him…. Edited August 11, 2011 by babyygirllhi
KathyM Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I think it's really a challenge to have a marriage or LTR with a foreigner. I've been married to one for many years. There are cultural differences that will cause problems. He'll be more of a homebody, whereas you'll want to go out and have fun. He'll be very inward-focused. You'll be wanting to connect, but it won't be his natural inclination to do that. He'll be very independent, you'll be wanting closeness. He'll be wanting to pull away to assert his independence, you'll be wondering why he needs all this alone time. I made it work with my husband, but it wasn't easy, and it will always be an effort to get him to do things that we Americans take for granted. It's not in his nature. I've learned to accept our cultural differences and continue to try to connect with him on a daily basis, emotionally and physically, and consider myself to be happily married. But it is a struggle because of the cultural differences and the different mindset because of where he originated from. It's not for everyone. Most of the friends we had that were mixed marriages (different cultures) are now divorced.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) I think it's really a challenge to have a marriage or LTR with a foreigner. I've been married to one for many years. There are cultural differences that will cause problems. He'll be more of a homebody, whereas you'll want to go out and have fun. He'll be very inward-focused. You'll be wanting to connect, but it won't be his natural inclination to do that. He'll be very independent, you'll be wanting closeness. He'll be wanting to pull away to assert his independence, you'll be wondering why he needs all this alone time. I made it work with my husband, but it wasn't easy, and it will always be an effort to get him to do things that we Americans take for granted. It's not in his nature. I've learned to accept our cultural differences and continue to try to connect with him on a daily basis, emotionally and physically, and consider myself to be happily married. But it is a struggle because of the cultural differences and the different mindset because of where he originated from. It's not for everyone. Most of the friends we had that were mixed marriages (different cultures) are now divorced. True. So you think the problem is just the culture difference? The wierd thing is I fell for him because I see him way more as an american. He hates how swedish people are so to themselves. He also says that for him to be happy, he needs to do something every day that will make him grow, evolve. So he wants to be in positions that make him uncomfortable in order to feel himself grow. Be afraid of things, yet still do them. He is very into making himself a better person. He doesnt really get anything out of just enjoying time with peple, HE needs to get something out of it. Which, i can see, as being bad for a relationship? I mean, I remember in the very beginning, I did a backflip into water. And he was ipmressed nad excted to try himself, since he was scared. And he loved tht I showed him this. Its like, he just needs those kind of things. He needs to make somthing out of himself. Will this ever stop? is this a personality trait where he will have a hard time with relationships, a hard time giving since right now all he wants is to take? or is it immaturity? I know when i was 16 and had my first relationship of 1 year i broke up with him when he went to college because i just wanted to be single, have fun. Then a year later we met up again, had sex and hung out a bit, but I never wanted anything more because he was a bit too outgoing for me, just something wasnt there. Is this the same kind of thing? Or can it simply be that i can be the right one just that he isnt ready to settle down with someone? Is he selfish for seeing me after breaking up and making love etc? He cried when leaving ... I dunno. What is this? Also, during breaking up he didnt want to remove "in a relationship.." he said he never wanted to (you konw...) and then he put up new profile pics, which he never touched while we were together...one of them being a pic of us together (not kissing or anything) and now when i saw him he was like "did you remove pics of us?!" as if it hurt him ... i dont get it. PLus, looking back at pics of us together, i realize i was always the one holding him. He was never the one holding me. he would stand straight to the camera with one arm around me while i grabbed onto him.... and he has told me before that he sees himself always being alone (which has to one day change sinse he loves kids etc). And when he first met he said like "i want a girl where i wake up and she says she is doing her own thing and asks if i want to come, but where she will do her own thing... and i do my own thing. this wont ever change, will it? he just wants to be HIS OWN person. not an "us". he wants to be very independent. just an example of some pics ... (and this is him in love..nothing was wrong...) The very beginning of the relationship: http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/156661_953455615300_15923373_49694010_1832679_n.jpg Then .. http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/164749_970901104400_15923373_50136944_1844840_n.jpg http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/227073_10100237583587540_15923373_51146091_3728895_n.jpg Its like he just wanted to be HIM. I remember always being afraid of just grabbing onto him in pics, because it looked and felt like i was more into him than he was into me. Even tho he was in love. Is this just a sign of a personality trait, or a douche? haha or what is it? i mean, i felt his love for me. and when we met eachother and he let himself go just the other day after seeing eachother to say bye, he was grabbing me so tight with both arms and everything ... then after walking i could feel this guy "trying to be independent and cool" kind of. But when we are alone and he lets go sometimes, he is all into me. is he just trying to hard? will this ever change? i truly feel this is the only reason he cant be with me. he wants to make himself into something... plus if i called him beautiful, he mgiht say things like "you are more beautiful" .. its not a competition! Edited August 11, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Professor X Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Do you always get stuck like this? I notice you post the same threads over and over and over and over and over again.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289796/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289800/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289815/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289807/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289820/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289819/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290732/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290729/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290907/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290909/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290905/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291292/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291282/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291364/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291772/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291361/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291773/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291899/ If I had to guess, I'd say you are more obsessed about him than in love with him. You need to realize that he does not want to be with you. It's time you let go, for your own health....
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 More i think bout it, he is a douche! i mean, i know him very well so deep down he is NOT! he is so giving and kind, smart, but trying way too hard to be someone, right? He needs to like, get truly heartbroken or something before changing? I think I am just going to ignore him from NOW ON. Why should he get ANY of me ? I have been too nice! And he has taken it to advantage. I know it will truly hurt him if I ignore him and move on. But maybe he needs that. PLUS, he tries to block feelings. If he feels pain or jealousy, he completely blocks it. and says if anyone would ever call him insecure, it would be the biggest insult ... HAHA Yes... well i have to admit im sitting in sweden, waiting to move back and continue my life, so yes.. obsession is there :/ EEEK Is there any way to delete posts?
KathyM Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 True. So you think the problem is just the culture difference? The wierd thing is I fell for him because I see him way more as an american. He hates how swedish people are so to themselves. He also says that for him to be happy, he needs to do something every day that will make him grow, evolve. So he wants to be in positions that make him uncomfortable in order to feel himself grow. Be afraid of things, yet still do them. He is very into making himself a better person. He doesnt really get anything out of just enjoying time with peple, HE needs to get something out of it. Which, i can see, as being bad for a relationship? I mean, I remember in the very beginning, I did a backflip into water. And he was ipmressed nad excted to try himself, since he was scared. And he loved tht I showed him this. Its like, he just needs those kind of things. He needs to make somthing out of himself. Will this ever stop? is this a personality trait where he will have a hard time with relationships, a hard time giving since right now all he wants is to take? or is it immaturity? I know when i was 16 and had my first relationship of 1 year i broke up with him when he went to college because i just wanted to be single, have fun. Then a year later we met up again, had sex and hung out a bit, but I never wanted anything more because he was a bit too outgoing for me, just something wasnt there. Is this the same kind of thing? Or can it simply be that i can be the right one just that he isnt ready to settle down with someone? Is he selfish for seeing me after breaking up and making love etc? He cried when leaving ... I dunno. What is this? Also, during breaking up he didnt want to remove "in a relationship.." he said he never wanted to (you konw...) and then he put up new profile pics, which he never touched while we were together...one of them being a pic of us together (not kissing or anything) and now when i saw him he was like "did you remove pics of us?!" as if it hurt him ... i dont get it. PLus, looking back at pics of us together, i realize i was always the one holding him. He was never the one holding me. he would stand straight to the camera with one arm around me while i grabbed onto him.... and he has told me before that he sees himself always being alone (which has to one day change sinse he loves kids etc). And when he first met he said like "i want a girl where i wake up and she says she is doing her own thing and asks if i want to come, but where she will do her own thing... and i do my own thing. this wont ever change, will it? he just wants to be HIS OWN person. not an "us". he wants to be very independent. just an example of some pics ... (and this is him in love..nothing was wrong...) The very beginning of the relationship: http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/156661_953455615300_15923373_49694010_1832679_n.jpg Then .. http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/164749_970901104400_15923373_50136944_1844840_n.jpg http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/227073_10100237583587540_15923373_51146091_3728895_n.jpg Its like he just wanted to be HIM. I remember always being afraid of just grabbing onto him in pics, because it looked and felt like i was more into him than he was into me. Even tho he was in love. Is this just a sign of a personality trait, or a douche? haha or what is it? i mean, i felt his love for me. and when we met eachother and he let himself go just the other day after seeing eachother to say bye, he was grabbing me so tight with both arms and everything ... then after walking i could feel this guy "trying to be independent and cool" kind of. But when we are alone and he lets go sometimes, he is all into me. is he just trying to hard? will this ever change? i truly feel this is the only reason he cant be with me. he wants to make himself into something... plus if i called him beautiful, he mgiht say things like "you are more beautiful" .. its not a competition! He's not going to change who he is. He is very independent, self focused, not easy to emotionally connect with. He's going to need a lot of space. It's part of the culture. I know a lot of Scandinavian people. Danish people are a different breed, but the Nordic folks are very independent, self focused, a lot of them are introverted. They want their space. You may find yourself getting frustrated by this huge need they have to maintain their space and independence. It's not very condusive to making a strong connection with them. It's a lot of work, and they will resist it.
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