gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 So apparently the ex did the fade out on me because he felt that he "paid for everything all of the time." I found this out through the email he sent me in reply to the letter I had sent him. This is a gross overstatement, and I have evidence to prove it. During the five months that we'd gone out, I picked up the tab when we ate out on several occasions, bought him medicines when he was sick, and coughed up a hefty sum of money for the last and only multiple day trip that we went on. I offered to pay sometimes too, but he'd tell me that he'd take care of the expenses. I also did many things for him that you couldn't quantify or put a price tag on, like cooking for him, taking care of him when he was ill, ironing his clothes, and even commuting twice in the midst of pouring rain to see him 'cause I knew he'd think picking me up at home would be a hassle. Before we broke up, the "dates" we went on involved grocery shopping for his food and supplies, eating at his place, or watching TV series together. At one point he said that he also got frustrated with having to drive me home at the end of the night when we were together because it meant that he'd get to sleep later and the gas was becoming an expense, then later on realized that that wasn't as much an inconvenience as he initially thought and that it was selfish. By car, I live about 10 mins. away, and we met up only once a week, twice at most. I would commute to his place for about an hour by bus, one way, whenever he wanted to get together. He also said that he basically enjoyed his time being alone more when the summer started. However, he ended his letter saying that he was "interested in working things out" if I was too. How would you guys and girls take this?
0hpenelope Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Wow, so let me get this straight. The things that he did for you, which are things a good partner would do, were actually inconvenient for him. Then he used those inconveniences to distance himself from you and then get out of the relationship. I mean, really? You have to hash that mess with him while you're considering whether or not to get back with him. Edited August 9, 2011 by 0hpenelope grammar
Author gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Wow, so let me get this straight. The things that he did for you, which are things a good partner would do, were actually inconvenient for him. Then he used those inconveniences to distance himself from you and then get out of the relationship. I mean, really? You have to hash that mess with him while you're considering whether or not to get back with him. I know right? When I replied to his email, I told him that his driving me home was actually one of the things that I really adored about him 'cause I thought that he wanted to keep me safe by not letting me commute back home. I had no idea that he actually resented me for it! I never knew the whole thing was about money either 'cause he never told me that it was a problem. I thought that whatever he gave me was given happily and freely so I also happily and freely received them. Not once did I ask him for anything material. You know what, I don't think I ever asked him for anything at all!
aussie_bloke Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 In my opinion and experience, its not because of the money, its because he is bored with the routine. He isnt angry that he has to drive you home, he's bored with doing the same things and having to drop you off over and over. If there was more excitement he would be actually wanting to see you more, and these things wouldnt matter. It is so easy to fall into boring ruts, spice things up a bit and I bet you will see things change. If you love someone money doesn't even come into it, you spend on the other person as you enjoy doing whatever you are doing, ir movie, dinner, holiday etc and its money well spent as you want to be with that person more than anything else. He may be focusing on the paying as the problem, but I think you will find its boredom. I don't know you or your boyfriend so I could be completely wrong but it sounds very similar to one of my past relationships. Hope this helps. Cheers!
Author gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 In my opinion and experience, its not because of the money, its because he is bored with the routine. He isnt angry that he has to drive you home, he's bored with doing the same things and having to drop you off over and over. If there was more excitement he would be actually wanting to see you more, and these things wouldnt matter. It is so easy to fall into boring ruts, spice things up a bit and I bet you will see things change. If you love someone money doesn't even come into it, you spend on the other person as you enjoy doing whatever you are doing, ir movie, dinner, holiday etc and its money well spent as you want to be with that person more than anything else. He may be focusing on the paying as the problem, but I think you will find its boredom. I don't know you or your boyfriend so I could be completely wrong but it sounds very similar to one of my past relationships. Hope this helps. Cheers! In my opinion and experience, its not because of the money, its because he is bored with the routine. He isnt angry that he has to drive you home, he's bored with doing the same things and having to drop you off over and over. If there was more excitement he would be actually wanting to see you more, and these things wouldnt matter. It is so easy to fall into boring ruts, spice things up a bit and I bet you will see things change. If you love someone money doesn't even come into it, you spend on the other person as you enjoy doing whatever you are doing, ir movie, dinner, holiday etc and its money well spent as you want to be with that person more than anything else. He may be focusing on the paying as the problem, but I think you will find its boredom. I don't know you or your boyfriend so I could be completely wrong but it sounds very similar to one of my past relationships. Hope this helps. Cheers! Thank you for your input. I really do think in this case that it was about money. In those emails we sent each other, we were both brutally honest since we figured that we had nothing left to lose with the relationship being over. When we were together, he used to raise the issue of divorce and money quite often, and looking back, I should've taken that as an indication of his values. He used to express fears over losing what he'd worked hard to earn, like what some of his divorced friends are going through now paying alimony. I thought then that it was just because he took marriage very seriously and didn't want to have it end over money. I think this whole issue also had a lot to do with big personal purchases he made while we were together. He spent quite a bit on a few things and I guess when he realized that he had to do a bit of cost-cutting, spending on me was the first thing on the chopping block. He lives alone and spends his money on himself. Funny thing is, like I said, I never asked him to spend a cent on me. I thought he was showing his generosity because he genuinely cared for me. I don't think it was because he was bored. We explored the city together quite a bit, and the last time I'd seen him was when we came home from a backcountry camping trip in a place where practically no one spoke a word of English! Haha! Even if it were true that it was due to boredom, it was because he was keen on not spending any more money. I remember him reading this book about getting rich by the age of 30 and there were a few suggestions when it came to dating, like dining in or going on other expense-free activities like walking. He was pretty proud to say that the author must've written the book on his life. Whatever he shelled out on, especially toward the end of the relationship, was mostly for his use, like food when we went grocery shopping. I honestly thought that it was more likely that he disappeared because of something inherent in me. I tortured myself for weeks thinking about that. And then it turns out that it really doesn't have anything to do with me, but what he was willing to offer in the relationship. I still have a lot of feelings for him which I can't shut off right this second, but I'm not sure if I'll be doing myself justice if I got back together with him or even attempted to do so. After all, it's been two weeks since he sent me that email and I've yet to hear from him.
aussie_bloke Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 If he is that obsessed with money (which he has every right to be if he wants) then you are possibly better off with someone who values your relationship more than a dollar. You and I both know there is so much more to life than money, and one day he will wake up and realise this too. You sound like a great girl with your head screwed on the right way so I am positive you will be ok. Keep your chin up
Author gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) If he is that obsessed with money (which he has every right to be if he wants) then you are possibly better off with someone who values your relationship more than a dollar. You and I both know there is so much more to life than money, and one day he will wake up and realise this too. You sound like a great girl with your head screwed on the right way so I am positive you will be ok. Keep your chin up Thank you aussie_bloke! I'm deeply saddened 'cause I feel that the relationship was "cheapened" by the whole money issue. I looked at him not only as a partner but a role model of sorts because he's six years my senior and had all these life experiences that I was never exposed to. When we started going out, I found myself thinking often, "Wow, I must've done something right to deserve someone so mature and 'together'!" Then later on it turned out that all that talk about money and divorce was really a reflection of his baggage carried over from his childhood and past relationships. I don't know what the others before me did to make a jaded and cynical man out of him, but I would have never, ever taken advantage of him, whether it came to finances or emotional investment in the relationship. Now I feel like he viewed the relationship as a transaction, and that I should've known better than to simply receive what I thought was genuine kindness and caring on his part. These days, I find myself thinking, "Maybe he resented that I didn't contribute to his grocery shopping when I ate at his place." But then I think about the fact that I only ate there one meal once a week, and given my size, I eat like a bird. He also got to keep all of the food that we bought, so it'd be unfair for me if I forked over $50 every couple of weeks to pay for half of the groceries. On top of that, I'm the one who does the cooking! Everything's degenerated into a calculation of who paid for how much and what! Edited August 9, 2011 by gothowitz
NursingGirl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 If he is that obsessed with money (which he has every right to be if he wants) then you are possibly better off with someone who values your relationship more than a dollar. You and I both know there is so much more to life than money, and one day he will wake up and realise this too. You sound like a great girl with your head screwed on the right way so I am positive you will be ok. Keep your chin up Agreed! You can do better. Let him obsess about his money and I guarantee you he will be contacting you again. But hopefully, you will have moved on. Go to NC now.
Author gothowitz Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Agreed! You can do better. Let him obsess about his money and I guarantee you he will be contacting you again. But hopefully, you will have moved on. Go to NC now. Have been NC for almost three weeks now? I'm losing track of time haha! It's 'cause I'm going back to school in a few weeks and it's gotten me preoccupied.
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