babyygirllhi Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) One part of me feels great (ive learned a lot about myself after the breakup) but another feels horrible .. he doesn't want to spend his life with me? What's wrong with me? (This kind of feeling) The guy is 22 and i'm 24 and going into the relationship he wasnt ready to be with someone. He has always been very independent. This showed throughout the whole 11 months we were together, so I ended up like always trying to please him and make him show more towards me. He said he is still in love with me, i'm his best friend, and the perfect girl ... but something in him wasn't happy. He didn't know what he wanted in his life etc. He wants to find a way to make money without working so that he can just do whatever he wants. (He sounds lazy, but he isn't .. just can't handle people telling him what to do). He spent a long time deciding whether or not to break up with me. And he told me that i know him better than anyone. Girls have always just gotten in the way, he isn't the dating type, and said he has never really been "attracted" to anyone, like really "wanting!" them. Except for me. he says he has never felt anything close to how he feels for me. But he ended up breaking up with me. It feels like it is because he isn't happy with himself and wants to be alone, but he doesnt ever really know why he feels things...and i think a lot of it is actually because of me. i became needy and pushy..but he was so distant and didnt show emotions so i turned this way..) He showed that he was still in love with me even through the breakup .. but said he has to be alone. Not single. Alone. Now he ran off to a big city to live in an apartment wtih his friend for 1 month and he is taking it easy and trying to find himself. I got it out of him that he sees us together in the future but didnt want to say that bc he cant have me wait. During the breakup as well, he said he misses my smile, my smell, my laugh, my thoughts on life, etc .. but none of that matters bc he needs to be alone. Im assuming that all this is because I pushed him away? I was very demanding and jealous And i regret this. He called about 1 week after we truly seperated telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (since its ALWAYS him leaving first, ending convos, etc). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . i didnt reply to the text however the next morning i wrote a long fb message about my advice, etc. it was really nice and motivating. he never replied, which doesnt surprise me. he's the type of person that if you give him something great, he doesnt know how to show it back that he liked it. so he might have read it and thought, "wow", and while most people would want to reply with "wow, thnks" he doesnt get aything out of letting the other person know. then yesterday while sitting in the airport coming back from italy i wrote him an email about myself. everything i have learned, how i used to be selfish and jealous and im feeling different and needed to find myself etc. it was me just letting everything out about my bad traits and how i feel happy that i relized this to be a better person. then i said that i wrote it quick since when i get back i will be busy and that i truly hope he is happy and that i respect that he wants to be alone. *Also, he put up his first pic on fb of us a few days ago..along with a lot of other pics from our travels of just him. STRANGE? *Should I not see him? Part of me wants to see him and just be truly independent, nice but look happy and on my own, just to show him that (because for the whole relationship ive been SUPER available and always trying to get him to be more into us, and me ..) is this a bad idea? will i feel better to show this side of me, this secure person he never saw since i was always insecure trying to get his attention? I wont be rude in anyway, but just to, for once, show my security and that im not begging for his attention... will this be good for him to see? and make me feel better? Edited August 4, 2011 by babyygirllhi
serviceduck Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi there, You definitely are in the same boat as you mentioned under my post. The problem is, its all the intimate details about a relationship that can determine what will happen in the future, and strangers just dont understand, no matter how well you try to explain it. However, after 2 reads, my instinctual feeling about your situation is that he has some growing up to do. Not in terms of maturity but in terms of life experience. I have not yet broke the NC rule so I can't comment on the extent to which it will work unfortunately. But like you, I only hope it does. I think your emails were worded well.. not aggressive or blaming. Just informing him that you are changing things about yourself that you think were a downfal.. Problem is thought, that perhaps its best he realise these new things himself without you having to tell him or directly show him.. as then it just appears your thoughts still centre on him. If he has gone to get his life together, then just use the opportunity to do the same for yourself. I cannot believe I just said that... thats the last thing I want anybody to tell me! I just want to be told when hes going to show up at my door in tears (like the man I truly know). Anyway, only you know your ex and I think a lot of what happens will come down to (a) time (b) the extent to which he misses you © what he wants to do with those feelings and (d) partner intuition. If you know him through and through and had a closeness you couldnt even begin to explain to people, I personally believe you can sense what they are going through. One last thought gained from my hours of researching.. Do not listen to what anybody says about him. He may tell them "im fine!" "im moving on!", but only he knows whats in his head and sometimes people just need to say those things in conversation, doesnt mean he isnt aching on the inside. Time will tell my friend. ... but kinda still oh anddddddd my approach is to show my ex I can do okay without him. Apparently that drives men crazy...
bonpaw2008 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Great website someone on here shared with me http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ Read as much as you can, work on you. He is commitmaphobic or just young. He may really believe all those things he told you but he is not ready to act on them. Don't get sucked in by his promises of "someday". Live your own life, make yourself happy, find someone that is totally into you, not just into you when you are gone. Best of luck, you are better than him
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Hi there, You definitely are in the same boat as you mentioned under my post. The problem is, its all the intimate details about a relationship that can determine what will happen in the future, and strangers just dont understand, no matter how well you try to explain it. However, after 2 reads, my instinctual feeling about your situation is that he has some growing up to do. Not in terms of maturity but in terms of life experience. I have not yet broke the NC rule so I can't comment on the extent to which it will work unfortunately. But like you, I only hope it does. I think your emails were worded well.. not aggressive or blaming. Just informing him that you are changing things about yourself that you think were a downfal.. Problem is thought, that perhaps its best he realise these new things himself without you having to tell him or directly show him.. as then it just appears your thoughts still centre on him. If he has gone to get his life together, then just use the opportunity to do the same for yourself. I cannot believe I just said that... thats the last thing I want anybody to tell me! I just want to be told when hes going to show up at my door in tears (like the man I truly know). Anyway, only you know your ex and I think a lot of what happens will come down to (a) time (b) the extent to which he misses you © what he wants to do with those feelings and (d) partner intuition. If you know him through and through and had a closeness you couldnt even begin to explain to people, I personally believe you can sense what they are going through. One last thought gained from my hours of researching.. Do not listen to what anybody says about him. He may tell them "im fine!" "im moving on!", but only he knows whats in his head and sometimes people just need to say those things in conversation, doesnt mean he isnt aching on the inside. Time will tell my friend. ... but kinda still oh anddddddd my approach is to show my ex I can do okay without him. Apparently that drives men crazy... Seems like we can give eachother the exact same advice as we can take ourselves;) Edited August 4, 2011 by babyygirllhi
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