coltsfan1 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 My ex and I broke up close to a year ago, since then I have been a wreck in my own life. I have continually done things to hurt myself and alienate friends. I even made my best friend upset this weekend. I have done very little to enhance my place in life and been drinking WAY to much. I don't start many threads but I wanted to share for any who are feeling like a lost ship. DO NOT wait DO NOT place blame and FORGIVE yourself and others around you. If you DO NOT do these things YOU won't heal. I have placed blame on others and been to hard on myself. If you are hurting now PLEASE take this advice or you will wake up one day and be carrying around more baggage than you every really want. I come from a stable home, both parents married for 30+ years, I have had chances to go and see places and things a lot of others have not been able to. I am a wonderful person at heart and have allowed things to eat me alive. I have been a bad friend and made some poor decisions. Please take my advice, you do not want to wake up alone and feeling like a complete jerk. I hope I am able to pull through this and come out a better person on the other end. Starting today I am going to put a 100% effort into getting healed of my own personal demons and the baggage I have with my ex. I am trying to make new friends and it really hasn't been hard, I have just just not let certain things go. If any of you pray please pray for me I have been truly hurting in my heart for things that I have done, and for those hurting and feeling like you have been walked out on. Sit down and make a plan work on you accomplish a few small goals and things will begin to look up.
aposiopesis Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 DO NOT wait DO NOT place blame and FORGIVE yourself and others around you. If you DO NOT do these things YOU won't heal. Wise words. Best wishes for your recovery! Remember that even if you've been a jerk, your friends and family are still there to help you through
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Wise words. Best wishes for your recovery! Remember that even if you've been a jerk, your friends and family are still there to help you through I have lived them so I know from experience!!!! I can only ask people from so much, or push them so far then they push back. I have not been happy even with myself. I haven't forgiven myself but I am going to start today.
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I don't want my ex back and she doesn't want me back. I want to be a whole person again. I feel broken inside and I am going to do everything I can from here on out to fix myself. I am to old to just piss my life away over not being strong enough to force myself to do things.
Graceful Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I don't want my ex back and she doesn't want me back. I want to be a whole person again. I feel broken inside and I am going to do everything I can from here on out to fix myself. I am to old to just piss my life away over not being strong enough to force myself to do things. It's never too late to get yourself together and the reward you're going to feel is going to pay big dividends. You know, coltsfan, I saw a thread you started about asking for advice about trying to repair the damage to one of your close friends (can't find it again today). But do you mind if I weigh in on that here? Okay. Call him. Just say the truth, like you have here. Nothing has been the same since you and he had a falling out. When you and your ex broke up last year you were really hurting when you also learned he knew your ex was cheating and didn't tell you. It happens. We all use poor judgement once in a while. You know he did not mean to hurt you, it was just a bad judgement call. Apologize for the way you acted last week, for the year that has passed, the alienation, you miss the friendship, and you'd like to make amends and get back on track. Say you forgive and forget, and you have not exactly been a saint yourself, and while new friends are good, old friends are irreplaceable. Do you think you can do that? It's the truth, isn't it? And you can begin what you're saying in your post here: getting your life back, repairing what is broken, and going forward with good intentions. If your friend rejects you, there is nothing you can do but say you understand, but if he ever changes his mind, you're more than willing to be friends again. Listen. You've got the right idea now, so run with it. And you are right. When you hold bitterness and grudges and live in the past, it will affect your whole demeanor, whether you realize it or not. A year has passed. The ex is part of an old chapter. Case closed. Time to write a new, improved chapter for love and romance. You're on the right path. Best wishes, and yes, I will put you in my prayers, for sure. PS. And coltsfan, you know it's time to cut back on the booze, too. Got it?
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) Graceful- I didn't care till I hurt this friend! To be honest some of my other so called friends aren't worth me going to. But this friend is solid! I truly love him like a brother and I screwed up bad. I have not been a good friend to him & I have done things that I can't take back. But I woke up Sunday and haven't felt like I did since my best friend died in 03. I am 31 now, I HAVE to get my life together.... I feel empty inside, I just want to crawl ina hole and die..... I am having trouble with forgiving myself and accpeting I didn't know her. I need to pull through this and let it go. I don't care about my ex, I hope she is happy and gets what she wants out of life. But this isn't about her its about me, I have forgiven her and the people I know I just don't want friends them or her. The friend I upset is not someone I want to loose and I don't want to drag him down with me. Also Graceful I wanted to say thank you. I will keep writng on this thread as I work through my issues. Edited August 1, 2011 by coltsfan1
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I have genuinely screwed my life up, I wish I had a time machine to fix what I did.... I can't do anything about it, all I can do is ask for forgiveness and move on. I have cause myself a huge problem!!!! I am going to lose a true friend over this and I have no one to blame but myself. I hope my life will get better and I have to try now, RIGHT NOW!!! I am self imploding causing myself pain and hurt. I am causing a true friend to with drawl from me... I am not helping him up, I an=m dragging him down. Will I be able to get through this??? I surely hope so!! I am so disappointed in me, How do I forgive myself and move on???
Zaphod B Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 For me, it's myself I have trouble forgiving. I just can't quite figure out how to do that.
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I have seen first hand if I don't forgive myself and others I can't move on. I have to put the grudges down and take steps to make my life happy again. I wish I would have seen this to begin with... now I feel and look like a royal jerk....
Graceful Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Coltsfan, It hurts so much to see you in such pain. You have done, in the classic sense, "bottomed out" from the looks of it. Have you heard that expression from other sources such as AA? The origin is in alcohol and substance abuse circles, but the basic meaning is what it sounds like, you have taken all you can, your life feels like its in ruins, and you have "hit rock bottom" and landed yourself into a world of pain and regret. But know what? When you hit bottom, you have a choice now, to go UP with yourself and your life. This is why many people have to HIT BOTTOM to see that they have to make changes and get their lives back on track. AND SO WILL YOU. Okay. Now listen up. If you have been abusing alcohol, would you please consider getting into AA and going to meetings? It's a support group of people of ALL ages, and you would be surprised to see all types of people who attend. Having an alcohol problem is not uncommon and it's not relegated to just one socio-economic group, it's everyone. Would you think about this? Have you already? Graceful- I didn't care till I hurt this friend! To be honest some of my other so called friends aren't worth me going to. But this friend is solid! I truly love him like a brother and I screwed up bad. I have not been a good friend to him & I have done things that I can't take back. But I woke up Sunday and haven't felt like I did since my best friend died in 03. Would you be able to call him and tell him how sorry you are that your relationship has gone down the tubes, take responsibility and make amends? See my other post to you from yesterday. Do you think he will reject your attempt to repair the friendship? Even if he does, say you understand. Maybe he can't forgive you right now, but if you show him that you know you totally screwed things up, he might be able to come around later. You have to at least make an attempt. Do you feel capable of doing this? I have genuinely screwed my life up, I wish I had a time machine to fix what I did.... I can't do anything about it, all I can do is ask for forgiveness and move on. I have cause myself a huge problem!!!! I am going to lose a true friend over this and I have no one to blame but myself. I hope my life will get better and I have to try now, RIGHT NOW!!! I am self imploding causing myself pain and hurt. I am causing a true friend to with drawl from me... I am not helping him up, I an=m dragging him down. Will I be able to get through this??? I surely hope so!! I am so disappointed in me, How do I forgive myself and move on??? Have you tried counselling? Do you have access to health services that can provide you with some referrals for a counselor? This might help. You need a sounding board so you can get all of your regrets off your chest. Then at some point, you have to LET GO of the past and yes, forgive yourself for being in too much pain to recognize how destructive you were being. It's as though you were too blind to see what you were doing. Now you have learned that you have put yourself in MORE PAIN, and this time, you will dig yourself out of it, step by step, by making a commitment to making the changes necessary to improve yourself and your life. Driving a dear, close friend away is a wake up call for you. It's not the end of the world. But it is a SERIOUS wake up call that you need to take to heart and know that you can work to repair. You cannot force things, but you can come clean as to how your behavior caused the rift and take accountability. You need "tools" and an understanding of steps to take to turn your life around, let go of the past grudges and anger, and take positive measures. This is why a counselor would be helpful, to guide you along the path. What is your biggest internal struggle? What has been holding you back for this past year? Anger? Denial? Pain from rejection? Admit all of it, show yourself that what's done is done, it's your responsibility as an adult in this life to deal with your issues so you can lead a productive life, and begin to see yourself putting your past into a context, a proper one, so you can move yourself into a new framework. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I see it as a sign of hope that you have bottomed out and know you can't go on like this. Now you need some help, reaching out, and tangible ways to turn your life around. What do you think are your first steps for that? Take care.
Author coltsfan1 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 Grace, I just want to be whole and happy again. I want to put this year behind me and move on. All I could ask for is a new start, which I have with new friends. I am tired of beating myself up and being concerned with what is going on with other people. I just want to be concerned with myself. I am not going to be drinking for a long while. I am going to set some short amd long terms goals and begin to work on them. I have not given much thought to AA but I am thinking about going to speak with someone about whatever I am lacking in my life My only concern now is pulling myself out of this crap storm I have caused.
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