Diatribes Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, I've been reading some of the threads on this forum and liked the community and advise given, so I figured I'd join and maybe get some advise about my current issues. I met my girl at school. We started hooking up to study for math, but it soon became obvious we had interest in each other. After I first kissed her, she told me she had a boyfriend she had been living with for four years. She said he was an every day drinker, and was verbally abusive to her and her 17 year old son. She didn't seem very happy in class, and I could tell when she spoke about this guy she was kind of demoralized. Her son also did not like him at all. Being that I liked her, we started off as "Friends with benefits". I was totally ok with this arrangement. I wasn't jealous of her having a boyfriend. Even when she told me she only had sex with him like once or twice a month, I told her I expect her to have sex with her boyfriend and it didn't bother me. After about a month of seeing her almost every day, I started to fall in love with her. She even used to tell me "I know you love me". After about a week, I started telling her I loved her, and about a week after that she said she loved me too. We began to make plans to get a place together in November when her lease ran out at the place she lived in with her boyfriend. I was totally cool with this, as it gave us an opportunity to get to know each other better, and she needed to get a job being that she was currently unemployed. After about two and a half months, she was having bad arguments with her boyfriend. She told me she felt like she was cheating on me when she was with him, and wanted to be with me exclusively as my girlfriend, while at the same time telling me I didn't want her as my girlfriend, as our relationship would change. She also broke up with her boyfriend. After a couple of days living there, she told me she had to get out and wanted to move in with me. While I wasn't expecting to live with her so soon, being the nice guy I am, I welcomed her and her son into my home. The first week, it was pretty nice. I enjoyed having her and her son there. Then one night we were drinking and had kind of a bad argument over petty matters. While I can say I was the aggressor, I was apologetic the next day and made up with her. A couple of days later, she was drinking and started yelling at me about my current marital status (separated not divorced). Her son told her the next day she was being a jerk, while I didn't argue with her back and kept my composure, saying if that was an issue I'd file for divorce asap. About a week after that, she wanted to go over to her friends place that was in the same building where her ex lived. I expressed concerns over her running into her ex, but she said she wasn't worried about it and really wanted to visit her friend. I agreed to this, and expected to see her in a few hours. She called me up and asked if it was ok with me if she stayed the night. I agreed to this, because she told me I have to trust her and she was loyal to me. Her son came there to pick up her car and wanted to meet her at the pool and say hi to her friend. She told her son "I'll meet you in the parking lot do not come to the pool" which I found strange. I believe she was hanging out with her ex. The next day when she returned, she went straight to the bathroom for about 10 minutes before she came into our room. We had sex. I told her my concerns over what she said to her son, she said "Jesse gets lost so I went to give him the keys" sounded kind of bogus. I told her if she cheated on me we're done. She claimed she had not. She also got an email from her ex the next day with a song attached, email entitled "hehehe". During the next week, she was giving off a weird vibe. I asked her a few times what was going on. She claimed I was being insecure, while I told her I've felt this before and my intuition was correct. She still claimed to love me. She said she was glad she lived with me. Her body language didn't seem right though. She wasn't telling me she needed me anymore or that I was her savior from a terrible relationship. She also told me our relationship had changed, claiming she wished things were "like they were" before she moved in with me. I told her of course our relationship has changed. You're my girlfriend now and there's a certain amount of commitment and respect that goes along with that. She didn't seem happy. After 2 1/2 weeks of living with me, we were both having some drinks and got into a bad argument. She claimed she didn't want to live with me anymore and regretted moving in with me because I changed. She said I was clingy and possessive. In the heat of the argument, I told her to "Grab her sh*t and get the f*ck out" and immediately regretted it. She spent the next 4 hours yelling at me for that. When she woke up the next day, she took her cat and left. I asked her if we were done, and she said she needed to think about it. The next day she showed up with a moving truck, and her friend helped her move out. She was being very cold to me and would not look me in the eye. I told her it was unfair of her to move in with me and move out so fast over some petty arguments. I begged her to give me a chance to make things right. Told her I loved her. She said she wasn't in love with me, and was in lust. I asked her if she was still in love with her ex, all she said was "it takes years to get over someone". I was trying to calm over the situation. I cried briefly and told her moving back in with her ex was a mistake. She claimed to be moving in with her girlfriend. I figured maybe we could try and work things out, but she was very adamant about not having any kind of relationship with me period. I asked her if we could start over like it was before she moved in with me, she said not even friends. I didn't contact her after she left. I told her I'm not going to bother her and if she wanted to talk the ball's in her court. A couple of days later when she came for some of her stuff, I told her I respected and agreed with her decision to move out. That we couldn't have a relationship like before but I wanted to be her friend and get to know her better. She said she wanted that too, but I'm not so sure she meant it. The next day she texted me and told me she appreciated what I did for her and her son, and told me I was a nice guy. I told her no hard feelings on my end, and would still like to be friends. About a week later I found out she had been in contact with her ex pretty much since she moved out. She told her friends she wished she could have her own place and answer to no one, then later told them she's with her ex and everythings fine. She also said I had asked to be friends, but she didn't know if that was a good idea. She said I was "Weird, clingy and possessive". She also told her son that she was doing what she wanted and had to deal with living with that guy again. I texted her a couple of days ago, asking if she wanted to meet for lunch some time next week. She told me she did not know if she could, claiming she was busy. We had some neutral chat about her doctor appointment. I've been pretty good about not contacting her, with the exception of asking her to lunch a couple days ago. I miss her very much. I got along well with her son, something I know she was very happy about. I hugged him days before she moved out, and she said that I was probably the first boyfriend to ever hug her son. I'm very confused and slightly mad and hurt. I don't know if I should want her back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she calls me when her alcoholic boyfriend starts back on his old behavior. I feel that being it was her idea to move in with me, she should have worked more to resolve our differences. My friends and family are telling me to stay away from her, that she's a jerk. I really cared about her, and told her (when we were still together) that I felt as if I'd been waiting my whole life to meet her. Now I feel like she's gone from my life for good. She's shown no compassion towards me since she left. I know that no contact is the best, and not to get emotional on her when we do contact, and to appear happy and like nothing is wrong. I'd like to have her back in my life, but don't know if/what to do about it. I apologize for my lengthy story. I appreciate the opportunity to hear some feedback from you all. Thanks Edited July 30, 2011 by Diatribes
lost.lamb Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 From the sounds of it, I have to agree with your family and friends. I think that she is not into a committed relationship. She just enjoys the thrill and maybe used you as a back up to get away from her ex. I think it's perfectly normal to be clingy to a degree when she is your girlfriend. After all, who would want to share a girl in bed? Doesn't seem right to me... You are an accepting person because some guys I know wouldn't bother being with a woman with a child. She's definitely not worth it. Stay strong. You'll pull through. ^_^
maryhappy Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Pls, have a look at:This people are something else. they will scare you and sweep you off your feet http://www.secretwitchagbomola.webs.com they are spell casters in case you are wondering
Author Diatribes Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 From the sounds of it, I have to agree with your family and friends. I think that she is not into a committed relationship. She just enjoys the thrill and maybe used you as a back up to get away from her ex. I think it's perfectly normal to be clingy to a degree when she is your girlfriend. After all, who would want to share a girl in bed? Doesn't seem right to me... You are an accepting person because some guys I know wouldn't bother being with a woman with a child. She's definitely not worth it. Stay strong. You'll pull through. ^_^ I was probably a little too clingy though. I think she felt as if I was smothering her. I asked her if I was being too clingy, and she told me (when we were still together) that maybe I was a little bit, but didn't seem to express a concern as it being a problem. And it seemed to bother her that I wanted to be around her all the time. I told her I'm not the type of guy to plan things to do without the girl I love, and I incorporate everything I do with her. No "ditching my girl to hang out at the bar with friends" etc. Thanks for the reply
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I was probably a little too clingy though. I think she felt as if I was smothering her. I asked her if I was being too clingy, and she told me (when we were still together) that maybe I was a little bit, but didn't seem to express a concern as it being a problem. And it seemed to bother her that I wanted to be around her all the time. I told her I'm not the type of guy to plan things to do without the girl I love, and I incorporate everything I do with her. No "ditching my girl to hang out at the bar with friends" etc. Thanks for the reply Well you probably did smother her, but thats what people do naturally when her actions dont match her words. You actually loved her, but she told you she loved you and she was lying. What she did was use you to try to get over her ex, or make him jealous. Insane as it is, people do it. Thats why she was so quick to go back to him. You were on two different pages as far as your agendas were concerned. Its NEVER healthy to start a relationship with a person who stays in a previous relationship. You told her you loved her WAAYYY too early, or i should say you fell for her way to early, before figuring out whether she was over her ex.
Author Diatribes Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Eddie, thanks for the feedback. I did fall for her too early, I agree. She used to tell me "I know you love me" before I actually did, which may have planted that seed. I also forgot to mention, one of the fights we had was over her telling me she was pregnant one night. When she initially told me this, I didn't say anything, just held her. I decided to "man-up" and do the right thing, then rubbed her belly. The next day I told her this, her reply was "silly, I can't get pregnant my tubes are tied. I was just kidding" A few days later I got upset about this and accused her of playing mind games with me and we had our second bad argument. And the day she moved out she said to me "You know how you accused me of playing mind games with you? Maybe I was" So apparently I wasn't being insecure and paranoid as she told me.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Eddie, thanks for the feedback. I did fall for her too early, I agree. She used to tell me "I know you love me" before I actually did, which may have planted that seed. I also forgot to mention, one of the fights we had was over her telling me she was pregnant one night. When she initially told me this, I didn't say anything, just held her. I decided to "man-up" and do the right thing, then rubbed her belly. The next day I told her this, her reply was "silly, I can't get pregnant my tubes are tied. I was just kidding" A few days later I got upset about this and accused her of playing mind games with me and we had our second bad argument. And the day she moved out she said to me "You know how you accused me of playing mind games with you? Maybe I was" So apparently I wasn't being insecure and paranoid as she told me. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet and you know it. So now you can cut her off, and move on. You'll keep booty calls as booty calls, and consider serious relationships only with single women now, right?
Author Diatribes Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 While I feel like I may have dodged a bullet so to speak, seeing how quickly she returned to her boyfriend she seemed so unhappy with, I still want her back in my life. Before she left, she told me a couple times she regretted moving in with me so soon because our relationship had changed, and wanted us to be like before (friends with benefits). I wouldn't mind that myself, and even told her so when she was moving out. She said it wasn't going to happen, but she was also angry with me at the time. I just don't know the proper steps to take in order to achieve that.
smudge21 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 "you know you love me"... was what my ex used to say to me after she went back to her ex and we stayed friends, and she was right. Don't kid yourself that you'd be happy with FWB now. You have strong feelings for her and that would never work. Step away and go no contact. I know that sounds wrong to you now but trust me, it is for the best.
Author Diatribes Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Step away and go no contact. I know that sounds wrong to you now but trust me, it is for the best. Do you say that I should do this in order to get her to miss me or to get her out of my life altogether? I also have a topic started on my confusion over NC. Any advise on this would be greatly appreciated: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290107/ Also, I like your sig. It's kind of how I feel about my current dilemma.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Before she left, she told me a couple times she regretted moving in with me so soon because our relationship had changed, and wanted us to be like before (friends with benefits). I wouldn't mind that myself, and even told her so when she was moving out. She said it wasn't going to happen, but she was also angry with me at the time. I just don't know the proper steps to take in order to achieve that. Do you say that I should do this in order to get her to miss me or to get her out of my life altogether? You do it to get her out of your life altogether. She will never miss you, because she either got tired of you, or she used you for what she needed. Maybe you dont understand, but all those things she said were excuses to make you stop trying to make it work. She said she wanted you to be like before, and that things changed. But I doubt you really changed, or she never planned on telling you if anything was off, because she was never invested in your relationship. She said she was angry with you, but there was nothing for her to be angry about. She was putting all the blame on you to take the attention away from how she was obviously going back to her ex. All the blame is really hers, because she was using you as a rebound, or to make her ex jealous - or worse, to make her ex miss her to make him treat her better. I dont know if it worked, but her mind isnt on you, she whether or not you talk to her, she will not miss you. She is out of your life for good, get used to it. So you go NC to heal for yourself. Isnt that horrid? She gets it in her mind to say to herself "I need (exes name) to know what life is without me, so I'll move in with Diatribes to make (exes name) appreciate me. If it makes you feel any better, her relationship with him will be more tumultuous than ever, but she is focused making THAT relationship work, not the relationship with you. If she comes back to you, it would just be to use you for a stepping stone again. Dont fall for it.
Author Diatribes Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 I've thought about her using me. I could or could not be a possibility. She invested quite a bit into my place before leaving. About $1000 altogether. So I don't really think she used me, I think she truly had the best intentions of making things work out, at first. I did change after she moved in. When she was just a FWB, I never questioned anything she did. She had a friend at her apartment she was bisexual with, and I didn't mind. After she was my girlfriend, I told her I didn't want her to do that anymore, I considered it cheating. I also questioned her when I felt bad vibes coming from her. I told her things weren't the same, because she was now my girlfriend and there was a certain amount of commitment and respect that went along with this change in relationship. She was angry with me, and for a good reason. The night before she left we had a pretty bad argument and I said some pretty bad things, like "Grab your **** and get the **** out". I did take back what I said and apologized a lot for what was said when I was mad. I do feel like she gave up on us and didn't want to make things work about a week before she left. I don't think she gave us enough of a chance to work out our differences. I mean she was living with me about 2 1/2 weeks! And it's pretty obvious she would rather work on fixing her relationship with the guy she's with now. I don't think that she really wanted to move back in with him though, she told her friends she'd rather have her own place and not have to answer to anyone prior to moving back with him. And I'm pretty sure being the guy is an everyday drinker, that even if he's putting on his "A game" that pretty soon the little things that she did that irritated him so much and caused so many fights will start to resurface. In my experience alcoholics of that degree never choose people over their drink. And I do think she will miss me. I got the ol' "Unknown Call" from someone using *67, and they hung up when I answered. Then she sent me a text about an hour later apologizing for "the way things rolled out" I just need advise on how to handle things if she wants to reconcile, which could possibly happen. If it doesn't, then life goes on. I'm just not ready to give up, because I still care about her a lot.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 If she wants to reconcile, ignore her. When people lose attraction for you, unless youre a completely different person, she never are able to get back in 100%, and then you get hurt even worse the second time. You definitely dont want to go down that road. She knows she doesnt want you now, people always remember what it was about you they lost attraction to...which prevents them from being fully attracted to you again. BTW just because she spent money on your place, doesnt mean she was truly all in, but only you know her, you will be able to remember the red flags as time passes. So you tried to change her after she was your girlfriend exclusively? You cant do that. You cant expect them to change their behavior just because youre dating. You went into it with her sleeping with her ex, and some woman, you would have to wait for her to change that, you cannot ask her to change without risking her resentment. Soon as you start asking them to stop doing things just for your egos satisfaction, or principles, you torpedo the relationship immediatly.
smudge21 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 After a break up like this it's never going to be like it was if you two ever did get back together. I know that as much as I still love my ex and want her back, it would never be like I imagine it, like it was. There's too much water under that bridge now, too many things I know and a side to her that my rose tinted glasses of love wouldn't let me see. Accepting that something is over for ever is the hardest thing we ever have to do.
loverboy1984 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 This woman was looking out for her bottom line the whole time. She gave you what you wanted which was love, affection, and company which you needed since you are separated. In return she got a sanctuary and a place for her son and away from problems at home with her ex which her personality suggest she couldnt handle. I mean if she gets into these petty arguements and cannot deal with things Im sure her interactions with her ex were no different. She didnt mean it when she said she loved you. That was lust as she explained to you later. Whats worse is she knew that and fed you what you wanted to hear so you can be fooled. This person needed a place. Shes an opportunistic individual. Everything about your relationship with her was wrong and a disaster waiting to happen. You were both rebounding essentially, and she was a single mom with no place. I think you shouldnt look at this as a loss but a lesson learned. Dont buy into love that cheaply. Things that are gained so easily are also lost just as easily. You should have seen the red flags and kept it as Friends with Benefits. Try to heal and move on from this and tell your self it wasnt anything serious.
Graceful Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You should have all the closure anyone could possibly ask for with this sort of dysfunction. Seriously? Are you not paying attention to what's right in front of your face? Uh, I guess not. After all, you went into a FWB relationship with someone who was living with her BF, so it's not as though your moral compass was working, if you even have one. Like I'm not being blunt enough. Am I? Is this correct? I met my girl at school. We started hooking up to study for math, but it soon became obvious we had interest in each other. After I first kissed her, she told me she had a boyfriend she had been living with for four years. She said he was an every day drinker, and was verbally abusive to her and her 17 year old son.She didn't seem very happy in class, and I could tell when she spoke about this guy she was kind of demoralized. Her son also did not like him at all. Why are you calling someone with a 17-year old son a "girl" ??? I don't care if she was a teenager when she had him, she is a grown adult woman who is dragging her teenage son around and putting him into the worst possible situations; her role as a parent barely meets minimum standards. We began to make plans to get a place together in November when her lease ran out at the place she lived in with her boyfriend. I was totally cool with this, as it gave us an opportunity to get to know each other better, and she needed to get a job being that she was currently unemployed. So she's living with a drunk, abusive man, she's having a FWB with you, she's I don't know what kind of what you wanna call it parent, and to top it off, she's unemployed? Wow, why she didn't have a long line of men after her, I have no idea. The first week, it was pretty nice. I enjoyed having her and her son there. Then one night we were drinking and had kind of a bad argument over petty matters. While I can say I was the aggressor, I was apologetic the next day and made up with her. A couple of days later, she was drinking and started yelling at me about my current marital status (separated not divorced). Her son told her the next day she was being a jerk, while I didn't argue with her back and kept my composure, saying if that was an issue I'd file for divorce asap.Seriously? I mean, I'm just dumbfounded with this little "detail" -- you told her you would file for divorce out of the blue, when you've been separated for what, how long? And you call this an "issue" ??? Maybe I'm taking your life too seriously, more than you are, but this is just plain crazy shizz. She wasn't telling me she needed me anymore or that I was her savior from a terrible relationship. She also told me our relationship had changed, claiming she wished things were "like they were" before she moved in with me. I told her of course our relationship has changed. You're my girlfriend now and there's a certain amount of commitment and respect that goes along with that. She didn't seem happy. She wasn't happy because she got in over her head and she knew it. She was using you, perhaps even felt a bit guilty about it, because she did not want ANY responsibility or accountability for you or your feelings. So yes, she was giving off a weird vibe because things were not going according to her plan to play both ends from the middle between you and her ex. I told her to "Grab her sh*t and get the f*ck out" and immediately regretted it. She spent the next 4 hours yelling at me for that. When she woke up the next day, she took her cat and left. I asked her if we were done, and she said she needed to think about it. The next day she showed up with a moving truck, and her friend helped her move out. She was being very cold to me and would not look me in the eye. I told her it was unfair of her to move in with me and move out so fast over some petty arguments. I begged her to give me a chance to make things right. Told her I loved her. She said she wasn't in love with me, and was in lust. I asked her if she was still in love with her ex, all she said was "it takes years to get over someone". You can't see this, so I'll spell it out for you, if that's okay. What you had here was a passive aggressive, amoral, opportunistic, manipulative, unethical, angry, alcoholic, emotionally abusive, mean-spirited, totally screwed up woman, who clearly also was abused, had low self-esteem, no direction, no self awareness, and absolutely NO INTENTION of having a meaningful relationship. I mean, what other way to say this? She's certifiable. Get your life in order and that includes putting your marital status in its proper place, and not dating women who live with a BF or have a "come here- go away" way of handling a relationship. My friends and family are telling me to stay away from her, that she's a jerk. I really cared about her, and told her (when we were still together) that I felt as if I'd been waiting my whole life to meet her. Now I feel like she's gone from my life for good. She's shown no compassion towards me since she left Waited all your life to be treated like this? To be cheated on and two-timed? Uh, I find that hard to believe. Listen to your friends and family. You're not thinking clearly, because if you don't have closure after living this dysfunctional existence, you need guidance. RUN and don't look back. Put the focus on yourself, you have issues to face on your own with out avoiding them by trying to work out a doomed relationship. Sorry, truly, but this is about as clear cut as it gets. Take care.
Dblock10 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 hey man, seems like you are blinded by love or something along those lines. i agree with the post two above! you seem like a nice guy that seems to have got lost along the way. this woman you could never trust, i hope you are able to move on and put her to the back of your mind now. never stick with anyone who has this many issues, why would you want that? really..
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