babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 My question is this... Is the fact that my ex feels he has to be without me to figure out his life a sign that we arent meant to be? My bf (22 and im 24) broke up with me because he needs to be alone to figure out what he wants in life. We were together 11 months. It was that way since we met, he wanted to be 30 by the time he found himself etc. But he fell in the love for the first time and we spent 24/7 together. He is just the type of person that needs to be alone, nothing in the way, to figure things out, otherwise he can't concentrate. I was in the way of him finding what he wants in life, finding himself. He needs his time now, and I want him to have it. It was obvious in the relationship he wasnt ready to be with someone. He was never 100% and it actually made me quite needy. He said he wants to be alone for years, but he doesn't truly know what he wants. He says he is still in love with me. That im the perfect girl in every way and he has told me that he misses me. I even got it out of him that he could see us together in the future, but didnt want to tell me bc he cant have me waiting, or he cant do what he wants...that just wouldnt work... So: Is the fact that he feels he has to be without me to figure out his life a sign that we arent meant to be? Or is he insecure with himself and in life that he cant have me yet? Before he broke up with me he said "i have to figure out if i can give you 100% like you deserve and i want to give, or if i have to be alone" ... he has to be alone. In the beginning of the breakup, we cried a lot, kept seeing eachother, etc. He said that when we're apart, something always feels like it is missing, he misses me, but it also feels good to be free...
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 ALSO ... We have talked 1 time in the past 2 weeks. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (i have been there for him every second, anytime, through the whole relationship). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (im leaving tomorrow for 5 days)
Rinas Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Sounds like he's experiencing grass is greener syndrome. Are you sure that he doesn't want to date others? If he was so sure, he wouldn't be leaving. I think going NC would be the best, so you can both figure things out. Don't be an option to him.
KathyM Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 My question is this... Is the fact that my ex feels he has to be without me to figure out his life a sign that we arent meant to be? My bf (22 and im 24) broke up with me because he needs to be alone to figure out what he wants in life. We were together 11 months. It was that way since we met, he wanted to be 30 by the time he found himself etc. But he fell in the love for the first time and we spent 24/7 together. He is just the type of person that needs to be alone, nothing in the way, to figure things out, otherwise he can't concentrate. I was in the way of him finding what he wants in life, finding himself. He needs his time now, and I want him to have it. It was obvious in the relationship he wasnt ready to be with someone. He was never 100% and it actually made me quite needy. He said he wants to be alone for years, but he doesn't truly know what he wants. He says he is still in love with me. That im the perfect girl in every way and he has told me that he misses me. I even got it out of him that he could see us together in the future, but didnt want to tell me bc he cant have me waiting, or he cant do what he wants...that just wouldnt work... So: Is the fact that he feels he has to be without me to figure out his life a sign that we arent meant to be? Or is he insecure with himself and in life that he cant have me yet? Before he broke up with me he said "i have to figure out if i can give you 100% like you deserve and i want to give, or if i have to be alone" ... he has to be alone. In the beginning of the breakup, we cried a lot, kept seeing eachother, etc. He said that when we're apart, something always feels like it is missing, he misses me, but it also feels good to be free... He's pretty young and is probably feeling like he needs to be single for awhile before he can commit to anyone. Relationships at that age often end up breaking up because one or both of the parties aren't emotionally mature enough or sure of what they want in life. He may decide, after being without you for a while, that he doesn't want to lose you, and he'll come back. If I were you, I wouldn't put my life on hold while waiting for him to find himself. Start dating others. That may also make him realize how much he really does not want to lose you.
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Auwch, I'm not saying the following is the case, but he's giving off a vibe that some girls in their 20's give off too. I.e. they often leave their stable relationships and boyfriends to get f*cked by other men until they're 30 and when the options diminish and they've given their youth to other men for meaningless sex, then they decide that a stable guy is what they want to fall back on again. They're able to sugarcoat to their boyfriends what they intend to do and often the boyfriends who did nothing wrong will be the ones who blame themselves. Don't get me wrong, statistically men are worse when it comes to this. However what many women do in their 20's, many guys do in their 30's. Your guy might be starting early. What you need to figure out is the following. When he says he wants to be alone/single, does he mean he needs solitude to function properly because he's introvert or does he mean that he wants to experience other women, i.e. other p*ssy? That right there is the gist of the matter. If it's the latter he deserves no compassion from you, because what he then intends to do is very cruel to you and he would have sugarcoated it to you. In either case you have no reason to feel guilty.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Auwch, I'm not saying the following is the case, but he's giving off a vibe that some girls in their 20's give off too. I.e. they often leave their stable relationships and boyfriends to get f*cked by other men until they're 30 and when the options diminish and they've given their youth to other men for meaningless sex, then they decide that a stable guy is what they want to fall back on again. They're able to sugarcoat to their boyfriends what they intend to do and often the boyfriends who did nothing wrong will be the ones who blame themselves. Don't get me wrong, statistically men are worse when it comes to this. However what many women do in their 20's, many guys do in their 30's. Your guy might be starting early. What you need to figure out is the following. When he says he wants to be alone/single, does he mean he needs solitude to function properly because he's introvert or does he mean that he wants to experience other women, i.e. other p*ssy? That right there is the gist of the matter. If it's the latter he deserves no compassion from you, because what he then intends to do is very cruel to you and he would have sugarcoated it to you. In either case you have no reason to feel guilty. I can say with confidence that its nothing about other girls. He said "i dont want to say i want to be single, because i dont liek that word. i want to be alone" . he is not the type to mess around nor is he the type to party. He is introvert and i think after being together 24/7 for 11 months, while i was needy .. oops:( .. he just got overwhelmed. i wish SO much that i respected his space more. am i too late? or do u think if i give it to him now, he will miss me? like, if im supportive of his decisions and i dont call / text him ... do u think i should see him (if u read my second post on this page) ?
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) I can say with confidence that its nothing about other girls. He said "i dont want to say i want to be single, because i dont liek that word. i want to be alone" . he is not the type to mess around nor is he the type to party. He is introvert and i think after being together 24/7 for 11 months, while i was needy .. oops:( .. he just got overwhelmed. i wish SO much that i respected his space more. Well that settles it then. (the question I mentioned) am i too late? or do u think if i give it to him now, he will miss me? like, if im supportive of his decisions and i dont call / text him ... do u think i should see him (if u read my second post on this page) ? Personally I don't necessarily think you're too late, but after those 11 months he might need time to deflate the tension that has built up in him mentally. If he's indeed an introvert then it's quite possible that not being alone 24/7 for eleven months has left him exhausted. It could take a while for him to recharge his battery during alone-time. The thing is, he might start reflecting on his life during that time and look back on his life with you and question whether that's a style of living he wants to go back to. To be honest I can't tell you what he's going to decide, I don't know how he experienced those 11 months with you and how he will look back on it. I think only he can answer that question when the time comes. Edited July 29, 2011 by Nexus One
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Well that settles it then. (the question I mentioned) Personally I don't necessarily think you're too late, but after those 11 months he might need time to deflate the tension that has built up in him mentally. If he's indeed an introvert then it's quite possible that not being alone 24/7 for eleven months has left him exhausted. It could take a while for him to recharge his battery during alone-time. The thing is, he might start reflecting on his life during that time and look back on his life with you and if that's a style of living he wants to go back to. To be honest I can't tell you what he's going to decide, I don't know how he experienced those 11 months with you and how he will back on it. I think only he can answer that question when the time comes. Of course its only him that can decide. So only time will tell. In the meantime, do you have any advice? Should I not be so available, so that he feels what it is like not to have me? In other words, if he calls, call back the next day etc. and say that I was busy? In the time I have known him I have always been available, so maybe its good to be less. Not talk about past, only talk about future plans and be supportive of his choices. And be calm. I dont play games, but I think I should atleast do a little "playing" in order for him to see what its like to not have me, or to see that I can be not so needy. As for jealousy, I wont do anything crazy besides letting guys add me on facebook or whaterv. And the reason I care so much about getting him back, is because I know that during our time together, I was in a bad place too. So I ended up just, being so needy and pushy and annoying probably, instead of truly understanding that he needs his space. I was immature. And now that i've lost him, I see that. How should I handle it when he asks to see me again? Should I nicely ask him why? And if he says only like, to say goodbye, then i will obviously say that it's best we dont, since we have said goodbye once already. Im a mess. Its obvious. I love this guy so much. I want him to be happy. We were best friends, had a blast, and I wish he would give me another chance to prove I will give him space. I would wait years for him if I knew forsure he wanted me. But liek I said, im absolutely DONE talking about future of us with him. No more being pushy, now it's all on him.
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Of course its only him that can decide. So only time will tell. In the meantime, do you have any advice? Should I not be so available, so that he feels what it is like not to have me? In other words, if he calls, call back the next day etc. and say that I was busy? In the time I have known him I have always been available, so maybe its good to be less. Not talk about past, only talk about future plans and be supportive of his choices. And be calm. I dont play games, but I think I should atleast do a little "playing" in order for him to see what its like to not have me, or to see that I can be not so needy. As for jealousy, I wont do anything crazy besides letting guys add me on facebook or whaterv. And the reason I care so much about getting him back, is because I know that during our time together, I was in a bad place too. So I ended up just, being so needy and pushy and annoying probably, instead of truly understanding that he needs his space. I was immature. And now that i've lost him, I see that. How should I handle it when he asks to see me again? Should I nicely ask him why? And if he says only like, to say goodbye, then i will obviously say that it's best we dont, since we have said goodbye once already. Im a mess. Its obvious. I love this guy so much. I want him to be happy. We were best friends, had a blast, and I wish he would give me another chance to prove I will give him space. I would wait years for him if I knew forsure he wanted me. But liek I said, im absolutely DONE talking about future of us with him. No more being pushy, now it's all on him. One thing about guys is that they tend to say what they mean exactly the way it comes out of their mouths in a clear and direct way. So if he said "I need alone time" and you didn't give it to him, then he didn't get a chance to recharge his battery, so he got drained up to the point that he needed to end it to mentally save himself. When you now say, I want to make him feel how it is when I'm not available, then you would have missed his point. He said he wanted to be alone, I get the feeling he didn't necessarily mean that he wants you to be unavailable once he has recharged his battery. That kind of miscommunication could potentially make things worse in my opinion. My advice would be to give him his recharging time, to let him reflect and to leave the choice and initiative to come back to you up to him, because when he has now decided to take some space, then pressuring him at a time like this will probably do damage. But to also be available, because distancing yourself from him during the scarce moments that he might want to talk to you could do damage and make him grow away from you and lessen the attachment/connection he has to you. If he says he misses you, then perhaps there's hope. Perhaps he really does need some recharging time and time to reflect and over time will grow back to you, but not in the way where you guys are on each other's backs for 24/7. So perhaps you guys will get back together, but in a different configuration, in a way that works for him too. Perhaps he just needs time to figure out how he's going to do that, how he should approach things so that it will work for him too.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 One thing about guys is that they tend to say what they mean exactly the way it comes out of their mouths in a clear and direct way. So if he said "I need alone time" and you didn't give it to him, then he didn't get a chance to recharge his battery, so he got drained up to the point that he needed to end it to mentally save himself. When you now say, I want to make him feel how it is when I'm not available, then you would have missed his point. He said he wanted to be alone, I get the feeling he didn't necessarily mean that he wants you to be unavailable once he has recharged his battery. That kind of miscommunication could potentially make things worse in my opinion. My advice would be to give him his recharging time, to let him reflect and to leave the choice and initiative to come back to you up to him, because when he has now decided to take some space, then pressuring him at a time like this will probably do damage. But to also be available, because distancing yourself from him during the scarce moments that he might want to talk to you could do damage and make him grow away from you and lessen the attachment/connection he has to you. If he says he misses you, then perhaps there's hope. Perhaps he really does need some recharging time and time to reflect and over time will grow back to you, but not in the way where you guys are on each other's backs for 24/7. So perhaps you guys will get back together, but in a different configuration, in a way that works for him too. Perhaps he just needs time to figure out how he's going to do that, how he should approach things so that it will work for him too. That is really good advice. I wont ignore him or anything. I do know that he is going through a hard time as well. Trying to figure out what to do with life. Plus the other day when I asked him how he is doing he said "sometimes ok sometimes not so good". I just don't want to be too naive in a situation like this. If there is no hope, then I wouldn't talk to him at all, I would move on and do my best to forget him. But the whole thing about recharging, if that's the case, then I feel like I should hang in there. He is very much an introvert. I never even knew what that was until I read up about it recently, so those times he wasnt all there and needed to completely concentrate on his own thing, I didnt understand. Thats why I feel like now, knowing he truly NEEDS that time to be able to stay "alive" I can respect it. I always thought he was "wierd" but not in a bad way, and he thinks so himself. So like, he cant communicate his thoughts, he doesnt exactly understand what he is thinking always. I can ask him why he doesnt feel good and he won't know, etc. But im thinking all those times were due to not having his own time. He desnt take everyting in at once either, as I do. So if we are in a loud city, he might not recognize things around us like i do. his mind blocks thigns out. When we were breaking up, it lasted 1 month. It was crying, it was making love, it was leaving and missing eachtoher, it was him going off then coming back missing me, and when we were together it was amazing. he said im the perfect girl etc. for a while now he has said his mind is just, gone. now i understand. one day he was saying "im going to go to spain and learn spanish" then 2 days later he didnt even remember saying that. he's just, everywhere. it took him a long time to realize that he wanted to break up, too. he knew for a while that someing was wrong, but we were away in asia and couldnt do anything about it. we were together 24/7. he wasnt sure if he wanted to break up or what was wrong. when he would say that we would break up, i would say stuff like "no..i'll give u space" and he would say ok .. we would kiss and he would leave.. then the next day i would say i cant handle it (my neediness, i would like to say, has everything to do with my place in life rihgt now. i was alone in his city, in my own apartment, living in sweden, im american, and had no family etc. only had him. so i became way too needy whcih i horrbily regret!) so i pushed him so much even during the breaking up process. but he was very nice about it. and understood. and he had a very hard time saying good bye. etc. this is why im hanging on. does this sound like im hanging onto nothing? maybe he loves me but its not enough, bc im too much of an extrovert? or do u thnk he could recharge and then miss me like crazy? he changes his mind a lot about things, also. and is a bit impulsive... so im dealing with someone who could very easil hurt me. but there is SUCH a connection. he is my BEST friend and we are SOO attracted.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You need to move on. It will never work out. You're overthinking it so that there can be a chance between you two, but really, all people who are scared of commitment are the same. Whether they are scared because they want to **** other girls or because they just want to be alone, they will all STILL never give you what you want. Don't wait around for them. It's a waste of time. You can tell where a person's priorities are based on their actions. I make having a boyfriend a priority . . . meaning, I have to spend less time on or give up other things in order to have one. You're on the bottom of his priority list. If you weren't, then he would be with you. Besides, moving on is the best way of getting a boyfriend back. My ex broke up with me. I begged for him back and he threatened me and hung up the phone when I did. I wasn't allowed to even cry in front of him under the threat that he'd never speak to me again if I did. So I sucked up my tears, told him I needed my space and found a new boyfriend that I fell in love with. As soon as he found out, he freaked out and spent the next couple of months harassing me and threatening to kill himself unless I went back with him. I didn't go back with him though and a big part of the reason for this is because he found other things to be more important in his life than having me. And someone who will make that choice once will make that choice always.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 You need to move on. It will never work out. You're overthinking it so that there can be a chance between you two, but really, all people who are scared of commitment are the same. Whether they are scared because they want to **** other girls or because they just want to be alone, they will all STILL never give you what you want. Don't wait around for them. It's a waste of time. You can tell where a person's priorities are based on their actions. I make having a boyfriend a priority . . . meaning, I have to spend less time on or give up other things in order to have one. You're on the bottom of his priority list. If you weren't, then he would be with you. Besides, moving on is the best way of getting a boyfriend back. My ex broke up with me. I begged for him back and he threatened me and hung up the phone when I did. I wasn't allowed to even cry in front of him under the threat that he'd never speak to me again if I did. So I sucked up my tears, told him I needed my space and found a new boyfriend that I fell in love with. As soon as he found out, he freaked out and spent the next couple of months harassing me and threatening to kill himself unless I went back with him. I didn't go back with him though and a big part of the reason for this is because he found other things to be more important in his life than having me. And someone who will make that choice once will make that choice always. You're so right. Its just the fact that he sys he is still in love with me. and i dont know if u saw this in the second post i made, but he called once about 9 days after not talking (which was 3 days ago) and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised, like sad (i have always been so available and last to say bye). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (im leaving tomorrow for 5 days) But maybe i shouldnt read into it much. He probably is just thinking of himself and how he would want to say bye..again before i move. not realizing its leading me on. i dunno. i thnk he is just very selfish (not in a mean way, but deep inside he needs to do everything for him) so this is why he couldnt be with me. but its strange too, bc he was very passive. i chose evrything we did pretty much, bc he was just passive. how can he tell me his is still in love and sees us together and im the perfect girl ... but then go off, and not be withme? he is bad at communicating so i dunno.. whenever we saw eachother, after breaking up, it was heaven, amaaazing! we spent 24/7 together for 11 months so this could be why he feels like he needs to break up... look at me.. im a mess. i should just say screw it. too bad i am so in love with him, and he is my best friend and vise versa. how the hell does someone move on ?!
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You're so right. Its just the fact that he sys he is still in love with me. and i dont know if u saw this in the second post i made, but he called once about 9 days after not talking (which was 3 days ago) and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised, like sad (i have always been so available and last to say bye). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (im leaving tomorrow for 5 days) But maybe i shouldnt read into it much. He probably is just thinking of himself and how he would want to say bye..again before i move. not realizing its leading me on. i dunno. i thnk he is just very selfish (not in a mean way, but deep inside he needs to do everything for him) so this is why he couldnt be with me. but its strange too, bc he was very passive. i chose evrything we did pretty much, bc he was just passive. how can he tell me his is still in love and sees us together and im the perfect girl ... but then go off, and not be withme? he is bad at communicating so i dunno.. whenever we saw eachother, after breaking up, it was heaven, amaaazing! we spent 24/7 together for 11 months so this could be why he feels like he needs to break up... look at me.. im a mess. i should just say screw it. too bad i am so in love with him, and he is my best friend and vise versa. how the hell does someone move on ?! My ex was my best friend, too, and I was in love with him as well. It hurts to move on, but in the end you'll be happier that you did if you stick with it. He is telling you these things because he doesn't want to commit to you, he wants to be selfish like you said, and focus on just himself, but he doesn't want YOU to stop committing to HIM. He wants you to be an option for him eventually someday if he decides that he's ready for a relationship again. The way you move on is by first of all, not putting him on a pedastool anymore. Make a list of his faults (there is no one that is perfect!) that you add to and constantly look at to remind yourself of why you are better off without him and how you have the possibility now of dating someone who DOESN'T have those faults. Then you completely cut off all contact with him. This is ESSENTIAL and will hurt really bad. You have to understand that when you fall in love, you become physically addicted to them. Your mind starts releasing chemicals whenever they are around that you become addicted to. Once you lose that person, you often suffer depression and go through emotionally painful withdrawal symptoms. And every time you talk to the person again, your brain gives you this temporary high and makes all the feelings come back. If you distance yourself from them, you retrain your emotions and body chemistry over time to get over that addiction over time. Sounds complicated maybe, but it works. I was SUICIDAL over my ex when he first broke-up with me, but I fought my mind and its insistance that I couldn't do without him and stopped speaking to him and I'm much better now. Instead, fill your life with other things that make you happy. There has to be some kind of hobby, family member, friends, or whatever that you were neglecting or not trying to do in order to be with him and now you can focus on those things. Busy yourself. Join clubs, go out, meet new people. I had to do all these things with my break-up and let me tell you, I was a mess. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a lot and sob uncontrollably inside without anyone knowing. I hated the activities I did half the time, but slowly over time, I began enjoying myself and getting over him. Also, admire the men around you. Now that you are single, there's a lot of possibilities. I wouldn't jump into a relationship, but it can help to FLIRT, because it awakens your mind to the idea that there's other men around you and that this isn't the only man that matters.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 He distanced himself from you to find "himself" and now you have every right to do the same. Talking to him makes you unable to focus on yourself and now you need your space to improve yourself and be happier.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 He distanced himself from you to find "himself" and now you have every right to do the same. Talking to him makes you unable to focus on yourself and now you need your space to improve yourself and be happier. when he gets a hold of me after i come back , before moving , should i first ask him why he wants to meet? if he says its bc he misses me and maybe wants to change his mind, then its obvioulsy another story. but if he admits that its just to say goodbye... then i tell him we have already said goodbye and there is no reason to put ourselves through it again. and also tell him i cant talk to him for a while? or do i not tell him that and just ignore him when he calls .. to make it harder on him? :/ not to be mean... sounds like u know what u are talking about. its just easier said than done. and yea, i cry every day. i go out and do my best but it only makes me feel more insecure since i can barely put a smile on my face so i feel ugly haha last night i walked home bawling! today, same thing, its like i cant handle being out in public. fortunatly tomorrow is italy, so it will all be new and a break from this. im just afraid of falling into his trap, seeing him, then having to start all over. any tips as to what to listen for? if he says like "oh, i miss u and want to see u before u leave" that is a big no, right? i mean, he should have to beg to see me? im afraid of him thinking i dont want him anymore... but im also afraid of letting him get what he wants, without me getting what i want
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) when he gets a hold of me after i come back , before moving , should i first ask him why he wants to meet? if he says its bc he misses me and maybe wants to change his mind, then its obvioulsy another story. but if he admits that its just to say goodbye... then i tell him we have already said goodbye and there is no reason to put ourselves through it again. and also tell him i cant talk to him for a while? or do i not tell him that and just ignore him when he calls .. to make it harder on him? :/ not to be mean... sounds like u know what u are talking about. its just easier said than done. and yea, i cry every day. i go out and do my best but it only makes me feel more insecure since i can barely put a smile on my face so i feel ugly haha last night i walked home bawling! today, same thing, its like i cant handle being out in public. fortunatly tomorrow is italy, so it will all be new and a break from this. im just afraid of falling into his trap, seeing him, then having to start all over. any tips as to what to listen for? if he says like "oh, i miss u and want to see u before u leave" that is a big no, right? i mean, he should have to beg to see me? im afraid of him thinking i dont want him anymore... but im also afraid of letting him get what he wants, without me getting what i want Btw.. i make such an issue out of seeing him, bc seriously, i cant handle it. if i start takling about him i can cry. if i were to meet him again, i would go back to where i started (not eating, sleeping, just lifeless) ... so the only way to see him is if he begs. also, he is missing me of course, but im pretty sure he is DEFFFINTLEY doing better off than i am. thats a sign itself, isnt it? if he were truly in love and want me back, he would be a mess? maybe he will be when i move? maybe it hasnt hit him bc i am ALWAYS available so he doesnt truly feel how it is without me? Edited July 29, 2011 by babyygirllhi
NursingGirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You need to move on. It will never work out. You're overthinking it so that there can be a chance between you two, but really, all people who are scared of commitment are the same. Whether they are scared because they want to **** other girls or because they just want to be alone, they will all STILL never give you what you want. Don't wait around for them. It's a waste of time. This gets my vote. Been there, done that.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 This gets my vote. Been there, done that. Ok, I agree. You girls are so right. And i will do my absolute best to listen. No,I will listen. I will MOVE THE HELL ON, and wont stop unless he absolutely begs. I promise myself this. Feels kinda good actually. Just outta curiousity though... how often does it happen that the guy realizes its a mistake? or is it kinda like "if he thought we should break up once, its for a reason, because its not suppose to be..." ? Also, him saying he wants to see me, or talk to me...thats just bc he misses me a bit , of course , and wants to use me as a crutch, to help him through, right? it has nothign to do with actually wanting to be with me. am i right?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 when he gets a hold of me after i come back , before moving , should i first ask him why he wants to meet? if he says its bc he misses me and maybe wants to change his mind, then its obvioulsy another story. but if he admits that its just to say goodbye... then i tell him we have already said goodbye and there is no reason to put ourselves through it again. and also tell him i cant talk to him for a while? or do i not tell him that and just ignore him when he calls .. to make it harder on him? :/ not to be mean... sounds like u know what u are talking about. its just easier said than done. and yea, i cry every day. i go out and do my best but it only makes me feel more insecure since i can barely put a smile on my face so i feel ugly haha last night i walked home bawling! today, same thing, its like i cant handle being out in public. fortunatly tomorrow is italy, so it will all be new and a break from this. im just afraid of falling into his trap, seeing him, then having to start all over. any tips as to what to listen for? if he says like "oh, i miss u and want to see u before u leave" that is a big no, right? i mean, he should have to beg to see me? im afraid of him thinking i dont want him anymore... but im also afraid of letting him get what he wants, without me getting what i want Are you going out with people or just by yourself? And are you talking about these problems with friends? Because it also helps to have people there for you, cheering you up, spending time with you, and listening to you. Don't ask for his feelings or reasons for things. Deep in your heart, if you don't let your emotions and desire to have him back cloud your thinking, I think you probably know what all of them already are. What you need to do now is stop taking his feelings into consideration. He's not your boyfriend anymore. Tell him that you need space and that he needs to leave you alone so that you can find YOURSELF. The problem with break-ups is once someone leaves you it is very, very likely that they will leave you again for the same reason. If he sees you moving on and begs for you back, he's only doing it because he's scared. He didn't feel the same about you as you did for him or he would have never broken up with you. (I'm assuming you had no plans to break-up with him.) Or at least asked for you back the very next day. My friends and I have been through these kinds of break-ups and they always beg for you back once they see you moving on and never mean it. That's how I knew what to do in my situation when it happened to me. You need to understand that all he wants is for you to love him and him not to return your commitment and once you pull away from him, he'll make promises to you in order to make you that committed again, but he won't mean any of it. Btw.. i make such an issue out of seeing him, bc seriously, i cant handle it. if i start takling about him i can cry. if i were to meet him again, i would go back to where i started (not eating, sleeping, just lifeless) ... so the only way to see him is if he begs. also, he is missing me of course, but im pretty sure he is DEFFFINTLEY doing better off than i am. thats a sign itself, isnt it? if he were truly in love and want me back, he would be a mess? maybe he will be when i move? maybe it hasnt hit him bc i am ALWAYS available so he doesnt truly feel how it is without me? Because your heart is broken. You need your space to recover from this pain and you can't truly start doing as good as him until you let him go, just like he let you go.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Ok, I agree. You girls are so right. And i will do my absolute best to listen. No,I will listen. I will MOVE THE HELL ON, and wont stop unless he absolutely begs. I promise myself this. Feels kinda good actually. Just outta curiousity though... how often does it happen that the guy realizes its a mistake? or is it kinda like "if he thought we should break up once, its for a reason, because its not suppose to be..." ? Also, him saying he wants to see me, or talk to me...thats just bc he misses me a bit , of course , and wants to use me as a crutch, to help him through, right? it has nothign to do with actually wanting to be with me. am i right? Yes, he just wants you as a crutch and an option in his life if he chooses to have a relationship again. And I can't say for all people, but the majority of the time when my friends and I have moved on, we get begged to take them back and they never mean it. Don't take him back if he begs because trust me, this is almost guaranteed to happen and he will not mean it when he does it.
NursingGirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Just outta curiousity though... how often does it happen that the guy realizes its a mistake? With a guy like this who needs to work on his emotional maturity and self esteem, he WILL repeatedly be back unless you set the boundary that you will NOT be his crutch. Just because he comes back and whines (been there done that on that part, too, and I took him back once and same damn thing) doesn't mean he will EVER give you what you want. He has to grow up first. Move on and heal. There are emotionally mature men out there who know what they want. Watch out for low self esteem because these people have no idea what it is they want and if they get it, they don't appreciate it and all kinds of convoluted variations of emotional immaturity.
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Reading more of your replies and understanding what a mess this is making you, perhaps the women replying in this thread have a point. Perhaps you do need to move on, because you deserve someone that is fully reciprocating your feelings. The point of a relationship is that it adds something positive to your life, that it makes you happy. Right now that's not the case, in fact it's the cause of your hurt.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I dont know what it is you girls have said, but it has completely clicked that I should not let him talk to me and show that i'm moving on. Ive been afraid of doing that, bc I want to be sweet and get him back.. but of course that doesnt work. Yea, i'll def be sure to make it clear that i'm moving on. I just dont know how to go about it. Do i answer the phone the next time he calls, or wait and call later? do i say "i have things i have to get done before i move so its best we dont talk" ? or do i just make myself unavailable, and if he calls cut it short. that way sounds best. if i just say "i dont want to talk" then he has like a deadline. but if i let him try to get a hold of me, then he feels rejection.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I dont know what it is you girls have said, but it has completely clicked that I should not let him talk to me and show that i'm moving on. Ive been afraid of doing that, bc I want to be sweet and get him back.. but of course that doesnt work. Yea, i'll def be sure to make it clear that i'm moving on. I just dont know how to go about it. Do i answer the phone the next time he calls, or wait and call later? do i say "i have things i have to get done before i move so its best we dont talk" ? or do i just make myself unavailable, and if he calls cut it short. that way sounds best. if i just say "i dont want to talk" then he has like a deadline. but if i let him try to get a hold of me, then he feels rejection. It doesn't matter if he calls you or you call him. Just tell him next time you speak,"I need space. Don't call me and leave me alone."And just don't speak to him again.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 It doesn't matter if he calls you or you call him. Just tell him next time you speak,"I need space. Don't call me and leave me alone."And just don't speak to him again. Isnt it best to not tell him that. Then he sees that im hurting. Rather than avoiding his calls, maybe replying after a few days very short and kind, but make it look like im busy and moving on. ? Seems like that is better ..
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