babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 My bf broke up with me because he wants to be alone. He is 22, im 24. It wasnt like it came gradually, from the beginning he was very independent and wasnt prepared to fall in love. It was his first time. But he couldnt not be with me. he told me when we met that he saw himself being who he wants to be at age 30. never thought about marriage either. however that changed after i explained my idea of love,and he still says he loves how i see love. He is bad at communicating his emotions. And to be honest, i dont think he knows what he is feeling when he feels things. He says he is still in love with me, and i FEEL that he is just as in love as when we met. He says im the perfect girl in every way and his best friend. I got it out of him that he could see us together in the future, but doesnt want to say that bc he needs to be alone and if he knows im waiting, that will rush him, etc. He even said at one point "I want to be alone for years". Its def over, I gave him many options. plus it was about 1 month we were breaking up and crying, still seeing eachother and talking (and when we saw eachoher it was amzing! we did stuff, talked about life, etc) But he would leave and then feel good to be alone, yet still miss me, he says. but he knows its what he needs. Im his first gf and I had to teach him a LOT. we "broke up" many times during the relationship bc i could feel that he wasn't all in it. We had been together 24/7 for 11 months .. jumped straight into a serious relationship. and we were out traveling a bit along with livng in my city where he had nothing to do. i had to study. It was when we came back that he broke up. I became VERY needy, which I think pushed him away more. Oops:( also, im american and have lived in sweden for 4 years and he is swedish. but he told me from the start that he doesnt wnt to live in sweden. i took him to Florida where im from, and he said its the #1 place he wants to live .... It really seems like he freaked out. now he is trying to figure out what he wants, he doesnt know what he wants AT ALL. one minute its one thing, the next its another... it was obvious when we were togethr that he wasnt happy. (i dont thnk it has neting to do with me..we were amazing together..but he didnt have his own life put together). We have talked 1 time in the past 2 weeks. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (since its ALWAYS him leaving first, ending convos, etc). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (im leaving tomorrow for 5 days) If i ignore him when he tries calling or texting for a few days, will this scare him? Plus, im going to tell him we cant see eachother bc it won't be good for us. Or what do you think? This will be the FIRST time he truly feels that he doesn't have me, since i have always answered the phone, texts, etc. Im so in love, however I can see that it's with a guy who has no idea what he wants and im scared. Most of all, I just believe he is VERY immature. im ready to settle down and he is still figuring out his life. is it very possible that he only thought im the one? or can i be, just at the wrong time? he is not the dating type or partier. Anyone have an opinion or can relate to this situation? Im dead on the inside. I thought he was the one and I cant help to believe that feeling will never fade.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 How long were you together? That is key. Love is OCD. for 11 months ...
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 my take: when you get back call him and give him an ultimatum. you get back togther or it's over for good. The point is to spend my life with him, not push him away forever. He needs his time now, and I want him to have it. It was obvious in the relationship he wasnt ready to be with someone. But im wondering how long that will take? Years, like he once said? Or only months before he realizes he cant live without me (if its mean to be)? I want him to miss me so bad that he realizes he will spend only little time doing what he wants then come back to me. So I need to let him go for him to come back. However, im also wondering if the fact that he feels he has to be without me to figure out his life, is a sign that we arent meant to be? Just wondering what my chances are. If he is really "that not ready" .
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Love has several stages: 1. Attraction 2. Infatuation 3. Intense romance (last 2-3 years) 4. Less intense romance----------a routine develops 5. Long term attachment (could last forever). When a couple breaks up before 2-3 years I suspect incompatibility. If the couple breaks up at 2-3 years it has to do with not knowing how to interpret the transition from intense romance to a more relaxed romance. In this setting you find people that can only function with intense romance and nothing else. The best way to rekindle your love would be to give him space and to not appear needy. You could also make him jealous by dating others. Sometimes that reignites the lost passion. You may also need to look into what are the most important emotional needs of this young man. Men usually do not leave women that meet their needs. I can agree. However, doesn't the fact that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship since day 1 play a part ? We have talked 1 time in the past 2 weeks. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I guess he will have to experience things to realize that cant happen. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (i have been there for him every second, anytime, through the whole relationship). also, im moving back to florida in 27 days and when i told him he said he can come to me on his way back home before I move (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (im leaving tomorrow for 5 days) So it feels like he is having a hard time as well ... but he is just doing what is best for him now, to make a better future.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 He is only 22 and seeing the pressure of commitment is difficult for him. Furthermore, he may have heard that he is supposed to be a crazy young man and have sex with 100 women before settling down in a relationship. So he is dealing with all these things and is confused. He also needs to define who he is and find a profession or career. There is also the ambivalence of wanting to be completely free and being in a relationship. These issues will work themselves out over time. By the way not all males are supposed to have a crazy drunken bar phase where they nail every available woman. You need to see where he is on this issue. I am 100% sure it has nothing to do with banging other girls. He hardly dated, by choice, bc he thought that girls are just in the way. And he has told me that he doesnt want anyone else, just wants to be alone. He is not the partying type. He is more about fidning himself and building himself up as a person. He tells me all the time that he wants to put himself into wierd positions that make him stronger as a person. ie. he drives a motorcycle, has his parachuting license, wants to bunjee jump .. enjoyed lying to his boss so that he could feel what its like to be afraid. Hell for all I know, he gets something out of the feeling of us breaking up, so that he will be stronger. I should let him go, of course, but its extremely hard to , for 1 because im madly in love and for 2 because he told me he is still in love and i'm the perfect girl . Him acting nervous on the phone the other day was something that makes me hang on too .. his reaction to me saying "no we shouldnt see eachother" was a very quick "no, dont answer yet, we'll see how it feels after italy" kind of thing. But i mean ... my best bet to have any future wtih him is probably to be kind and understanding to him being alone and finding himself, yet stern and confident in myself. so i will sound like i'm doing good, moving forward, getting thigns done, undestand that we needed to break up bc he wasnt all in and needs to find himself , and also avoid him. Am I right? I wont ignore him, but i will take days to respond and i wont agree to meet him. Any advice otherwise?
musemaj11 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 No its not enough. He also has to be taller, has to have a good job, and most importantly has to pay on dates.
Author babyygirllhi Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I could see him feeling smothered. I was quite pushy throughout the relationship, due to the fact that I knew i would be moving within the year. Plus the fact that he wasnt 100% in the relationship made me extra clingy and begging for attention. He knew this , too. Thats why he knew we had to break up. It was all too much. I will take your advice, it sounds smart. I will stay busy with my own life and all I can do is see what happens. Hopefully within a few months he realizes the happiness he was looking for exists in florida. and if it doesn't work out, it wasnt meant to be. Thnks for ur advice
catchthedrift Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 hey there, i can totally relate with your story. i had the exact same thing happening to me. i met a guy in berlin, where i am from, fell in love, moved to nyc for him. we moved in right away, we were together for several months until he broke it off while i was vacationing at home. 3 weeks later he came crying and wanted me back. a few months later we moved back in together. a few months after that he broke up again. this time definite. he wanted to be alone. he wanted to figure our what it is that he wants from this world. he told me his feelings for me have nothing to do with this, and that sometimes 'love just isn't enough'. we were both 23 when this happened. now, 8 months later, i just started to be in touch with him again after a long period of no contact (!). we live only a few blocks apart but havent seen each other since we both moved out of our apartment in november 2010. i have a new relationship and i am happy. he is still unhappy. he didn't seem to get what he wanted out of this break up. he hates his job and his life. just like he did when we were together. somebody who isn't happy and who doesnt know what he wants from life will most likely be unable to make somebody else happy. i have experienced this more than this one time. your boy is scared of commitment. he truly cares about you and it is at this point hard for him to follow through with his plan to be alone, because he is still attached to you emotionally. but what he truly wants is to be alone, and if you stop contacting him it will help him to get on his own path, which is the healthier way. stop with the calling and texting. you both don't want to be in 'limbo'. get your old life back, you were somebody before you met him and so was he. 11 months is a long enough time to fall in love and truly care for each other, but it is also less than a year of your lifetime. i still think sometimes that my ex possibly might be the love of my life and that maybe one day we will get back together, but i know for sure that i could never be with the boy that he is now. don't cheat yourself and make sure that he is RIGHT NOW the man that you want to be with. with all his insecurities and him being unsure what he wants from life, i can guarantee you he is not the guy you want to be with. he might have the potential, but to completely become the guy you want to be with, he first needs to find himself. please promise me you give him that time! that is the only way for you guys to find back to each other. and if he will find himself and not cross your path again after that, then it just wasn't meant to be. i hope you will be strong enough to start this NC period! and dont answer his calls or texts anymore! its time to have some alone time! both of you!
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