Ex-girlfriend Woes

[GymRat]

Hey everyone!

 

So I had been dating this girl for almost 2 years now, we're both geology students and every summer, we tend to have 'field' jobs meaning we move to a small town for the summer and work for an exploration company, lots of geologists do this in Ontario since field work is very seasonal here. Last summer, I had a field job but she stayed back at the University to do research, and understandably it was very tough for her since I moved away for 3 months, but we kept in as best touch as we could, though I'd only be able to talk to her once every other day on a payphone. I had a mid-summer break too which we spent together and we made it work.

 

We've had an amazing time together, and I've treated her incredibly throughout, but at the beginning of the summer, before I left for my job and while she was already at her new job, I visited her on my way and that evening she told me she couldn't do it, and that she wanted to break up. We talked a week before this visit, and she told me that even if we did break up for the summer, she thinks that we would just get back together in September at school (we're both doing postgraduate work now), but I told her that I didn't know how I could go a whole summer without talking to her. But I knew well that she had made up her mind, so when she told me she couldn't do it, I told her I understood her point, but we both were incredibly upset by it and had a very emotional night. We still slept in the same bed, she offered to make me breakfast before I left the next morning but I couldn't keep composed enough to sit at the breakfast table with her, so we both said we loved each other and I said goodbye, but she said "it's not goodbye, it's see you later".

 

Now keep in mind I was on my way to my new job where I was starting fresh, in that I knew nobody in this , so understandably the first few weeks were extremely tough for me. I messaged her twice in that span, and she replied back both times very cordially, but we never expressed anything emotional whatsoever. I decided that talking to her was much too difficult for me, so I decided to go no contact for essentially the summer. But a few weeks ago, she sent me a message asking how my weekend was, and such, and I sent back a friendly reply, and she replied again but I left it at that and decided not to prolong the conversation. Fast forward to today, and she sent me another message asking how my job was going and such. I replied again, but I didn't keep the conversation long, I made an excuse about having to take off for the evening.

 

Here's the thing though. My former roommate works in the same town as her, and they've hung out together a few times, and he told me that she's actually seeing another guy now. He's friends with a guy her roommate is also seeing, so it looks like a summer fling sort of thing, but I was quite surprised to hear this, because during our conversation she mentioned that she was talking to her mom about how she could tell if "I was the one", and one of her concerns was that she has never had a chance to be single and independent in her young age so in a sense she had a panic, that if me and her were to get more serious, she wouldn't have a chance to enjoy life as a young, good looking girl (perhaps she wanted to experience a summer of promiscuity?). I understand this point, because I felt if that was something on her mind, then it's better she experience a change from me now in her life rather than, say, a couple more years down the road when things would have gotten more serious, and the hurt from a break-up would have been that much more significant. She dated someone before me for two years and actually hooked up with me before she broke up with him, and told me she was miserable in that relationship, so in reality, perhaps she's been miserable with me now too, but never told me? What's tough to believe about that is that she told me she loved me so much and that I had no idea two weeks before we broke up, and we were always happy together. While we were in bed during the night we broke up, she mentioned that the whole 'forever' thing scares her right now, and she said she knew that was stupid to say because we're so happy together. We also literally never fought, maybe bickered the odd time, but we never got in a situation where we're both upset at each other. This is mostly due to my passive nature, I rarely get angry at little things, and she's the same way. She said she fought a lot in her last relationship.

 

I want to know, is it worth hanging on to a hope that we'll get back together in September? I mean, is it normal for girls to experience panic in a relationship that may be moving forward too fast and end it, only to realize that they acted too harshly? Or am I being too naive about it, and that I should just realize that if she truly cared, she wouldn't end it, only to use me as a fallback for September. Also, another factor in this: her roommate last year did the same thing, where she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years to go on a sl*tty bender, dated another guy, only to realize she was unhappy with her new life choice and went back to her boyfriend and now they're moving in together. As well, when she asked her mom how she knew her dad was the one, her mom described how she and her husband dated but then broke up for a year, only to realize they missed each other and eventually married and now they're incredibly happy together to this day. In a way, I think she's conducting her own little summer experiment, but in another sense, I could just be oblivious to everything and am attempting to be stupidly optimistic about it all.

 

I still love this girl, and I know she's confused, but ultimately I don't want to get hurt again. I've been taking great care of myself, I've been going to the gym hard for the past month (I've put on a decent amount of muscle mass).

 

God this was so long, I'm sorry if you read all of this!

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[redflag]

it sounds like you had a good relationship and that she genuinly just felt she couldnt take being apart, she also probably felt like she wanted to see whats out there. i think she will miss you more when she gets bored of thiat lifestyle as it really gets old fast. i dont think you should put your life on hold though cos she hasn't and for all you know you could return to find her happy with someone. she has to take the chance you may move on too and im sure she has thought of this but when all said and done she took that chance, id just take the time to heal from this and then get on with life, stay in touch but dont be too pushy or hang on to hope or you may get hurt later on, and just see what the future brings. its really just a case of if its meant to be... thats all i can say really. good luck.

[Dblock10]

how old are both of you? yeah its totally normal for a girl to want to experience other things etc etc. she will obviously love you still, but for now she sounds like she is wanted to enjoy her youth.

 

in your shoes though, how would you feel if she did go on a slutty bender and screw a couple of guys. could you look at her the same way? when you have sex with her again, would you hold that against her. would it not make you resent her in some form or another?

[GymRat]

I'm 24 and she's 22, and yeah you're right, it would definitely cross my mind that she screwed a couple of guys, but I know she hasn't had sex with many guys in her life and when I was younger, I had my wild days and she knew that about me, but I'm much past that at this point in my life whereas she almost feels like she needs to experience that otherwise she'll regret it. Not saying she's come out and bluntly said that, but she's said she wants to experience being 'alone and independent' this summer. And that's why I'm almost understanding towards it, and as I speak I say that I wouldn't hold it against her. Of course that could change. I always thought better now than in the future, since we weren't going to see each other much this summer anyways. I wish we talked more about it, but I wanted to respect her decision and I have, I haven't called her, messaged her or done anything aside from send her two messages within the first 3 weeks of our break up.

[wilsonx]

 

in your shoes though, how would you feel if she did go on a slutty bender and screw a couple of guys. could you look at her the same way? when you have sex with her again, would you hold that against her. would it not make you resent her in some form or another?

 

Ive always liked these quotes. What you don't realize is once you get older, you have to accept that people have slept around. I'm 29, Ive done my fair shares of benders and you just have to go out and do your own and accept that girls are going to or already have done them.

 

How do you know what you truly like unless you try a lot of things?

[TheHurtProcess]

Ive always liked these quotes. What you don't realize is once you get older, you have to accept that people have slept around. I'm 29, Ive done my fair shares of benders and you just have to go out and do your own and accept that girls are going to or already have done them.

 

How do you know what you truly like unless you try a lot of things?

 

Exactly what I keep saying... It usually doesn't matter who they've been with before the two of you have gotten together. Why would it matter who she got with between the time you broke up and before you got back together? I don't get it?

[Dblock10]

Ive always liked these quotes. What you don't realize is once you get older, you have to accept that people have slept around. I'm 29, Ive done my fair shares of benders and you just have to go out and do your own and accept that girls are going to or already have done them.

 

How do you know what you truly like unless you try a lot of things?

 

hmm do you know what. you are right tbh. How do you know when the person is done on these benders?

 

tbh i havent slept with many women and i am 24, however its just not in my nature, i really like the idea of it. maybe ill have my time if i do split with my gf and as you say to find out what you truly like.

 

wilsonx how many guys do typical girls you now meet (at your age of 29) have slept with? im curious.

[TheHurtProcess]

hmm do you know what. you are right tbh. How do you know when the person is done on these benders?

 

tbh i havent slept with many women and i am 24, however its just not in my nature, i really like the idea of it. maybe ill have my time if i do split with my gf and as you say to find out what you truly like.

 

wilsonx how many guys do typical girls you now meet (at your age of 29) have slept with? im curious.

 

I'm 29 myself. I can help you out as far as this question is concerned. It all depends. I know very few girls who have been with a few (1-5). Many seem to have been with 6-15. My sons mom upwards around 30+ guys before I met her and I'm willing to bet it's anywhere around 35-40 since we've broken up. That didn't stop me from getting serious with her (quite obviously).

 

My most current ex was at 4 or so. She is 22 (19 when we met. I was 25, going on 26 at the time), which puts her in that GIGS age category. I knew deep down inside that she wasn't nearly ready to settle down and she had some experimenting to do before she was fully ready to do so. She constantly tried reassuring me that she wanted to be with nobody else other than me. However, as it aways goes, she obviously didn't live up to her promises and the rest is history.

[TheHurtProcess]

I forgot to mention that... I'd say that many girls going through GIGS tend to slow down around the age of 25 or so (give or take). That's my experience. Unless of course something forces them out of that stage (children/pregnancy other life changing events, etc). At about 26 or so I was ready to settle down and my partying had slowed down quite a bit. Then again, I had a child at the age of 23 (he's 5 now), which could have been a major contributing factor.

 

Some girls begin this phase later and therefore end later in life, sometimes well into their 30's. Some people just never slow down, because they never find the right reason to do so. I am friends with a woman who is 36 and hasn't slowed down much at all due to the fact that she hasn't found a life-long mate as of yet. She slows down when she's in a relationship, but as soon as it ends, she's back out there trying to find another mate in all the wrong places (such as the bar and similar places).

 

It totally sucks when you're my age, looking to settle down and all the girls you seem to find are in their early 20's (GIGS central). Everyone my age is either married, have several young children or some just haven't slowed down as of yet. Therefore, it's slim pickens for me as f now. I'll find someone eventually though. I don't mind being single for a while. I have more time to myself, my goals/hobbies and less distraction. I love it.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

after reading this thread I'm starting to believe there's something wrong with me lol. I'm 20, male, in college and have no desire to have any sort of "bender". I'd actually like to settle down but after reading these posts I'm beginning to think I should give up on dating until I'm in my 30's haha.