sd89 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have been doing really well for the past month, not contacting her at all. Just answering when she calls and keeping it short. But today was her birthday and i called to wish her a good one. She said it made her really happy that I called and she didn't expect it and sounded really sincere when saying it. First time I heard her speak like that to me.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 My exes bday was yesterday (the 19th). I was thinking about doing the same exact thing or at least sending her an email/FB message. In the end however, I decided against the idea for so many reasons. The main reason was because, even if she did answer and acknowledged me, it would probably lead to a little small talk, but nothing more. I knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere, nothing was going to come of it and that I'd only be left feeling ten times worse than I do already. I'm sure she has enough friends, family and so on to do that for me. So, forget her. The next time a holiday creeps around the corner and you suddenly have the urge to call, remember that you owe her absolutely nothing. You made a mistake (at least it sounds like you believe it was a mistake). You have to forgive yourself and move on as if it never happened. It's not the end of the world, just the end of your relationship. Before you know it, you'll look back and laugh at this whole situation. The best of luck to you my friend.
Kilty Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Leave it at that then and do not do anything else It has to be her that makes the next move - if any
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 My Exes Birthday is tomorrow (21st). I will not be contacting her because I am not friends with my Exes. I really do hope she has a happy birthday and I hope all her birthday wishes come true. I don't see how me telling her that... is going to change her life or make her birthday any more special. Also, the people that I know who use Facebook get 1,000+ "friends" to wish them a Happy Birthday, I wouldn't want to get lost in the shuffle. Homebrew... Is this your most recent ex? How long did the two of you date and how long ago did you two decide to call it quits? Exactly. I'm sure my ex had enough random guys wishing her a happy birthday and then some via Facebook.
just_scott Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 K u broke ''no contact'' now you're gonna be set back a bit on your recovery process [hey it happens] just have will power on birthdays,holidays,special days IF you got to leave your phone at home and go outside OR turn ur phone off and dial her number psyc yourself out that she wasn't home MY exs b'day is Mon no way i'm calling her THOUGH i did think of sending her a few female lesbian singing strippers to her office heh heh LET her contact you if anything BUT be smart don't reply right away keep her waiting
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 The point is... If your someone breaks up with you, they choose to live in a world without you in it. Do not be "nice" and contact them on their birthday or any other holiday for that matter. Your only gift you should ever give them... is the gift of missing you! To answer your questions... Yes, I am referring too my most recent Ex. We dated for about 3 years. We mutually broke up about a year and half ago I believe. I didn't wish her a happy birthday last year either... She called me at 12:01am (A minute past the day of her birthday) and left me a message (I didn't answer) to remind me that I didn't remember her birthday and it hurt her. Even still, she wanted me back earlier this year and we dated again for a brief period of time. I choose to walk away because I was not willing to compromise my believes and principles. She was not willing to walk away from the negative influence of her new "friends" and her new "crazy" lifestyle. For me, that was a dealbreaker. Although she didn't like it... she knew, understood and agreed with what I did. She still contacts me from time to time and has let me know on many occasions that she is going to win me back and end up with me in the end. That is she just being and idiot and all of this is just a phase that she is going through (she is 23). It's doubtful, but at least I am not running my Ex off and looking like a tool by being "nice" and kissing her butt just because it's her birthday. I totally agree with everything you had to do, especially when you had to walk away from her again at the beginning of the year. I would have to say that I would have to do the exact same thing, especially because our breakup was the result of her prioritizing the "crazy" lifestyle and "friends" above me. History tends to repeat itself and it's not worth going through the process as well as the pain a second time. My ex tried contacting me about a week ago. I had a feeling it was because her birthday was coming up this week. I didn't bother responding however. It wasn't anything worth responding to anyway... Just breadcrumbs.
just_scott Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 i can beat all of you ... LOL. i sent flowers!! .. HHHHAHAHAHAHAH !!! my bad! lol WERE they dead flowers ? lol
fetish1980 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 i don't know about some people's take on birthdays. i guess its really up to the person. My ex and i broke up in february and my bday was in april. we were on speaking terms and she sent me a birthday text. her birthday is in december and i'm not sure if i will be texting her. What would be the point? By that time, it will have been nearly a year since we split. fetish
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 i don't know about some people's take on birthdays. i guess its really up to the person. My ex and i broke up in february and my bday was in april. we were on speaking terms and she sent me a birthday text. her birthday is in december and i'm not sure if i will be texting her. What would be the point? By that time, it will have been nearly a year since we split. fetish Welcome back fetish!
Author sd89 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 We've been broken up now for about 2 months. We had no fight or nothing bad between us, I think she just wants to be alone and single, so I'm trying really hard to give her that. But its so hard because I can't not be friendly to her, I don't have it in me. I think the best thing I can do I wait til she calls me when she comes back from her hometown on Saturday, ask her to meet up. I told her before she has some things that I actually really need (bank cards, laptop, jackets...). I want to tell her then that I cant be friends with her or even talk to her cause I can't move on. I can't get myself to do it over the phone, that's why its been pushed off til now but every time i make plans to get my stuff, she doesn't have time. I've come to the point now where I accept the break up and want to move on and I'm past thinking that we can get back together. In a few months or a year or so I do eventually want to be friends. Maybe someone who has been in this situation can give me a little advice on how to tell her. It will hurt me and I know it will hurt her, but it will be the last hurt for me at least. I just need to find the courage and the right way to tell her. I realize I may over analyze every situation like her birthday. I mean she says she wants to be friends, keeps contact with me (she calls), and then calls me the day before her birthday, says shes having a get together and doesn't invite me. To me she either has a new guy and doesnt want me there, or she just doesnt want me there, or thinks i wouldnt want to come cause i never mentioned anything.
fetish1980 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Welcome back fetish! Hey thanks alot buddy! fetish
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 We've been broken up now for about 2 months. We had no fight or nothing bad between us, I think she just wants to be alone and single, so I'm trying really hard to give her that. But its so hard because I can't not be friendly to her, I don't have it in me. I think the best thing I can do I wait til she calls me when she comes back from her hometown on Saturday, ask her to meet up. I told her before she has some things that I actually really need (bank cards, laptop, jackets...). I want to tell her then that I cant be friends with her or even talk to her cause I can't move on. I can't get myself to do it over the phone, that's why its been pushed off til now but every time i make plans to get my stuff, she doesn't have time. I've come to the point now where I accept the break up and want to move on and I'm past thinking that we can get back together. In a few months or a year or so I do eventually want to be friends. Maybe someone who has been in this situation can give me a little advice on how to tell her. It will hurt me and I know it will hurt her, but it will be the last hurt for me at least. I just need to find the courage and the right way to tell her. I realize I may over analyze every situation like her birthday. I mean she says she wants to be friends, keeps contact with me (she calls), and then calls me the day before her birthday, says shes having a get together and doesn't invite me. To me she either has a new guy and doesnt want me there, or she just doesnt want me there, or thinks i wouldnt want to come cause i never mentioned anything. That's just it, you just can't analyze every little thing. It's over. Sometimes it's as easy as that. There's nothing really to analyze. You just have to focus on yourself and healing. If she cares about you, she will allow you to do just that. Like I keep saying, once you "accept" that this is the absolute "end" of the relationship, you will begin to heal at an exceptionally fast rate. It's just getting over that hurdle. But, once you do, you'll thank yourself. Especially after you've healed and moved on. trust me. I'm not going to lie and say that it isn't hard. It's been very rough for me. But, I've kept at NC, even when my ex has tried to break it. Just remember, she can no longer make you happy anymore and therefore, happiness must come from within.
samm84 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I hate this idea that someone is almost sent back to the start if they break the no contact rule. Such a negative idea just makes us beat ourselves up even more. You are making progress all the time, even right now. You can't undo what healing you've already achieved, just stumble sometimes. You didn't mess up. Its not like you called her without a reason, a birthday is a valid reason to contact anybody.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I hate this idea that someone is almost sent back to the start if they break the no contact rule. Such a negative idea just makes us beat ourselves up even more. You are making progress all the time, even right now. You can't undo what healing you've already achieved, just stumble sometimes. You didn't mess up. Its not like you called her without a reason, a birthday is a valid reason to contact anybody. This is very true. My ex and I went NC for a few weeks, right after we broke up. I made some great progression as far as healing is concerned. Then she contacted me a few weeks later. We talked about and dabbled with the idea of reconciliation for a couple of weeks. Then, one day out of nowhere, she all of a sudden didn't know what she wanted all over again. Therefore, I re-initiated NC and have been since. I just about picked it up right where I left off as far as the healing process was concerned. I didn't have to start from square-one as so many people have stated.
sleepykitten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I also text on my exs b/day had been nc for 2 weeks, he replied straight away saying he had been struggling alot over the past 2 weeks (funny that as thats how long nc was for!!) anyway he called last night to ask how i was and to tell me again he was struggling, i said it will get better. I remember how much i "struggled" at the beginning - 8 weeks ago when he ended it, and i did all my grieving working through stuff, while he went out every night. Anyway, on his birthday, apart from breaking nc, which i dont feel like i am back to square one at all- i bought myself a sexy new dress and went on a date with potential-alot of kissing happened, so all in all a better day than i anticipated!
radiodarcy Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 the ex's birthday is coming up on monday. i have no intention of contacting him because i really have no desire to wish him a happy anything. not to mention i'm sure he'll be busy celebrating with his new girl. i did however buy gifts - - for ME
radiodarcy Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) I hate this idea that someone is almost sent back to the start if they break the no contact rule. Such a negative idea just makes us beat ourselves up even more. You are making progress all the time, even right now. You can't undo what healing you've already achieved, just stumble sometimes. You didn't mess up. Its not like you called her without a reason, a birthday is a valid reason to contact anybody. i agree with this. i think it depends on the individual and how they feel after initiating contact with an ex. some people break NC and feel as bad as they did the day of the break up; while others may feel a bit of a setback but it didn't necessarily take them back to day one either. that being said, i usually play out the scenario in my mind. i imagine myself hearing him talking about how great his life is and that he's dating someone else. if i can handle the idea of hearing that - - ok, then i'd consider reaching out. but if the mere thought of it is enough to make my stomach drop to my knees (and it is) then i'm better off sticking to NC. not to sounds new age-y but it really does depend on how in touch you are with your feelings and your overall progress in terms of healing. i once heard somewhere that we're often at our most vulnerable when we're at our most confident (probably because our defenses are down). so just because i'm feeling better doesn't mean i'm ready to be back in contact with him again. i may never be. Edited July 22, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author sd89 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 That's just it, you just can't analyze every little thing. It's over. Sometimes it's as easy as that. There's nothing really to analyze. You just have to focus on yourself and healing. If she cares about you, she will allow you to do just that. Like I keep saying, once you "accept" that this is the absolute "end" of the relationship, you will begin to heal at an exceptionally fast rate. It's just getting over that hurdle. But, once you do, you'll thank yourself. Especially after you've healed and moved on. trust me. I'm not going to lie and say that it isn't hard. It's been very rough for me. But, I've kept at NC, even when my ex has tried to break it. Just remember, she can no longer make you happy anymore and therefore, happiness must come from within. These words are reassuring. But I also think that its too hard to just say its over, she doesn't want me, so i don't deserve her. Most people are human and don't know how to get their feelings across. I could imagine her saying she needs a break to grab my attention somehow, even though it was there, just no tin the way I think she wanted. Of course talking out the problem would have been better if this were the case. I don't think this was the case (I hope not) but what I try to say is that nothing is so black and white when it comes to a relationship and anything involved with it. There's too much at stake to just fold on the deal, sometimes it does need to be analyzed a bit and be played out. You take your risks but the outcome can be overwhelmingly successful. Its a matter of "Is it worth it ANYMORE?"
TheHurtProcess Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 These words are reassuring. But I also think that its too hard to just say its over, she doesn't want me, so i don't deserve her. Most people are human and don't know how to get their feelings across. I could imagine her saying she needs a break to grab my attention somehow, even though it was there, just no tin the way I think she wanted. Of course talking out the problem would have been better if this were the case. I don't think this was the case (I hope not) but what I try to say is that nothing is so black and white when it comes to a relationship and anything involved with it. There's too much at stake to just fold on the deal, sometimes it does need to be analyzed a bit and be played out. You take your risks but the outcome can be overwhelmingly successful. Its a matter of "Is it worth it ANYMORE?" many times it is as simple as just that... black and white. We just make it more complex than it has to be or perhaps we want it to be much more complex because we don't want it to be that easy.
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