ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 hello anyone who cares, I'm 25 and my girlfriend (24) just broke up with me about five days ago. We had been together for 3 1/2 years. So here is the quick back drop and I hope someone can help clear my head a little. okay, so she tells me for the last three months her feelings for me have been fading, she no longer feels that spark. i went out of town for four days, at the time she said she missed me but she admitted yesterday that wasnt true, she didnt actually miss me much period. she started to find other people attractive, not just like you see someone and they're good looking, but a little more than that. she said that I'm not making her happy anymore and that she now for the last two weeks has really begun to like and become really attracted to this other guy. now she says that this other guy is not the reason this is happening, but if she feels like this about someone else then what's that mean for us? so she says that nothing at all has happened with him, they've just been texting back and forth. I was able to read a text log explaining that she was going to break up with me (and this was to the same guy). they were kinda flirting and everything as well. after talking with her for a couple nights and trying a few romantic gestures (rose pedals, a rose, candles and a letter explaining my side) she has came from the point of it's totally over to it's possible we could work things out, but let's be friends and roomates for a few months, save money for seperate places and if something sparks again then awesome. she also told me that the day she said she went to dinner with her co-worker and her co-workers daughter she actually went to dinner (about 2 weeks ago) with them but also her co workers husband, her daughters bf and this other guy, so she lied. now this other guy just got out of a 4 year relationship and so I know they can kinda relate. well, for the last two days they've been texting to eachother for a couple hours before bed. she says they never talk on the phone and insists nothings happened. that this makes her feel good, makes her feel better about herself because this guy to her is very attractive. so I know one night she sent him a pic of her sitting there because I kinda walked in as she did it, I was like oh so you guys are sending pics back and forth? she said he asked me for a pic so I sent him one and she showed me the pic, nothing sexy or anything. she said she's afraid to be alone, that there is red flags with this guy, he has a 7 year old kid that tells HIM what to do and that a long term relationship couldn't work, so she says. and also that she wouldn't jump from one relationship to the next. well last night she masturbated to him, I know this because I sent her a text joking that I could hear her doing it and to keep it down. she said the next day that after that she did actually masturbate to him but couldn't get off. I loved this girl, we never had many issues, we had great sex (we had sex a week and a half ago) and I feel like this came out of no where. my mom was very surprised and her grandmother was very surprised when I spoke with them. but now, tomorrow night she said they're all going out to dinner again and they told her to invite this guy to dinner and she said she's going to. this is all very hard to take, I sleep in the next bedroom now and this stuff eats me up. I feel it's inevidible that she will kiss me, sleep with him, something because this will only lead to something more intimate in my opinion. what would you do? thanks I know I ranted but it just pours out.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Ok this is what I would do... get some suitcases, bags, whatever... walk up to her and with a stern voice say "pack your ***** and get the F*#% OUT". But from what you wrote I highly doubt you would do that so... Stop being her lap dog, don't let her kiss you, don't cuddle up with her, don't anything with her. Only emotionless small talk and hope she misses boyfriend you.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Ok this is what I would do... get some suitcases, bags, whatever... walk up to her and with a stern voice say "pack your ***** and get the F*#% OUT". This, you HAVE to do this. You will hate yourself if you do not do this. My ex broke up with me on Thursday then thought she could stay, I told her to get on craigslist and get out by the next friday. She was even on the lease but I do not care. Its about you now not her. And the fact that she's attracted to someone else and says nothing has happened is a lie. Send her packing When she comes running back, tell her to not come back. Shes gaslighting you to get what she wants, be a man and say NO More Edited July 20, 2011 by wilsonx
Author ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 she is the one that pays rent, I paid for the utilities and things like that I can not afford this place alone, so kicking her out I feel is not an option for me. when I wrote I feel it's inevitable that she will kiss me, that was a typo, I meant kiss him. I don't know if she is lying, I insisted for her to tell me if something happened, that it would make it eaiser for me to let go. I told her to tell me if something happens between them, kissing, sleep together, whatever. it seems she really likes this guy but I feel almost like she's just trying to fill a void, maybe to not deal with what's happening? she said it's ****ing with her head because she doesn't feel anything long term can happen with him. but still, she insists nothings happened. thanks.
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Jeez, I'm so sorry for you. That's a really depressing situation. Right now you are in a state of shell shock, so you don't see the obvious. You're so used to working things out with that girl that you still think that it'll all go away somehow. But this one doesn't. First off, you need to get the hell out dodge! You need to pack your things, and be gone the next time she gets home. Sleep at a friends place, parents, whatever - just don't be at that place and let her straight up torture you. You are making it sooo easy for her and it's all on your expense! She can have her cake (safety net and comfort from you) and eat it to (trying all there is to try with that other man). Will she have sex with this other guy? YES absolutely - no question about it!! She probably has already, but can't bring herself to admit it to your face. She masturbates thinking of him, so you do the math. If you're honest with yourself, you know it deep down - it just hurts so f..... much! My ex gf through 3 years denied everything no matter how hard I pushed her. Only after I hacked her facebook acount did she admit having sex multiple times with another guy. My best friend's ex just broke up with him, saying that she hadn't been with someone else. However I know for fact that she was banging this other guy almost every day for month - it's just that he'll never know that. I can't believe how cruel she is to you, telling you all this **** about another guy, when she was your gf just a week ago. But she makes it very clear that there is no room for you there. She's in love with someone else, and I don't believe that her arguments about 'how it would never work out' makes it any easier for you. She'll still go and be his lover no matter what happens. You should go NC straight away. If she's scared of being alone - great! That's what she should get from you - nothing! You should make it as hard as humanly possible to leave you - which means cutting all contact to her presumably best friend. You can't be her friend now with all those emotions, deceit, lies and cr4p floating around. You need to cut loose because this is the end as far as I see it. Will be really hard for you to forgive her, should she come crawling back some time from now. Will be very hard to accept that one's gf took a little break to screw some other guy, because she felt like it. I'm truly very sorry for you! // Seb Edited July 20, 2011 by Sebstian
Author ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for the detailed reply. I really do not believe she is love with this guy like you mentioned. She may be truly trying to protect my feelings and/or protect herself from me possibly going off on her. I really don't believe they slept together, would she of masturbated to him if she could just have sex? maybe I'm just being naive. I don't want to just run out on her because I'm a nice guy, I care a lot for her, and I told her I wouldn't do that. but I have been looking for a place regardless, because it is really hard for me to be around this. it is torture like you said... thanks again.
Chi townD Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Yeah, I love when they say, " The break up had nothing to do with him." Uh huh....right. Just how much are you gonna put up with. The more comfortable she thinks you are with this situation the more she's gonna flaunt it in your face! What happens when she starts to bring this guy to spend the night and you can hear them screwing through the walls? Because it's well on it's way to becoming just that! You seriously need to re-evaluate your current living situation. Go online, the paper, anything. People are always looking for a roomate especially with the way the economy is right now. She has no regard for your feelings and cares less about you. Time to cut her out of your life for good.
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Ken, I actually do think you are a little naive. BUT does it matter if she slept with him or not? Not really - she will eventually. Does it matter if she's in love or not? Not really, she still chose to leave you to be with him. Those are the facts, right? You don't want to run out on her. I respect and understand that. It's just that she already ran out on you. It's good to be a nice guy, but right now being nice translates to smile and being a supporting friend while she is together with another man. So you being nice literally just mean making it easy for her to leave you and be with another. Some point down the line you'll snap as it's too much rejection for anybody to take. While you are nice to her, who is there for you? Who supports and comforts you? She'll turn into an emotional vampire, sucking you dry, if you let her! It probably feels like you've seen the worst pain now, but let me tell you, there is loads more where that came from. Protect yourself from more pain my friend and cut loose. And btw. it may seem like harsh words you get here, but everyone on here is on your side and just saying it as it is, so that you can protect yourself from more harm and get a chance to heal. // Sebastian Edited July 20, 2011 by Sebstian
geegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for the detailed reply. I really do not believe she is love with this guy like you mentioned. She may be truly trying to protect my feelings and/or protect herself from me possibly going off on her. I really don't believe they slept together, would she of masturbated to him if she could just have sex? maybe I'm just being naive. I don't want to just run out on her because I'm a nice guy, I care a lot for her, and I told her I wouldn't do that. but I have been looking for a place regardless, because it is really hard for me to be around this. it is torture like you said... thanks again. If the girl is masturbating for him, she's having sex with him and if she hasn't, it's close to happening. She might as well just spit on you on a daily basis. There's a difference between being a nice guy to someone who is deserving of a nice guy versus being a nice guy to someone who walks all over you and one who doesn't have one ounce of empathy for your feelings at that. Don't use the nice guy excuse when the only reason you are doing this is because you think that by being "nice" she will have a change at heart. And if you run out, you may lose your chance for reconciliation. Nice guys don't have to be doormats. Get out of the apartment. I can't for the life of me understand what would go through someone's head that they would masturbate loud enough for another man when the one that she was f'n only a week ago is right next door, and an ex at that. Who the hell does that? She's either an ice queen or just dumb as rocks.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Geegirl, I never knew these type of people existed. These type of girls have no self esteem whatsoever. It hurts really bad. I was a gentleman turned niceguy because I became a doormat and I did not realize it until the end. Ken I am a month and a half out of the SAME type of breakup. It hurts like a champ but the more you see her, the worse your mental state is going to be. YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TO GET OUT. Call your parents, tell them whats going on, they will most likely help you. Call your friends, they will help you. I had friends offering me couches that I had not seen in years. Its going to hurt really bad the second you get away from her. Your going to obsess about it for weeks. Its ok but you need to get out first, get your stuff, go NO CONTACT after you have everything. If she says or tries to contact JUST IGNORE it. It took me 3 weeks to lock down NC. Do NOT EVER GET BACK TOGETHER with someone like this. No matter how much you love her, **** reconciliation. About a month into NC you will see what I see but you will also have that hope that things will work out. Stop listening to your heart and start listening to your head
geegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Geegirl, I never knew these type of people existed. These type of girls have no self esteem whatsoever. It hurts really bad. I was a gentleman turned niceguy because I became a doormat and I did not realize it until the end. Wilsonx, she reminds me of my ex who was having sex with a nasty piece of something in his driveway, in the car and when I caught them they continued going at it, sounds and everything. Didn't care that I was watching or could see. I never knew people like this existed until I had front row seats. Nice guys don't have to be doormats to be nice guys. Recognize when someone is doing you wrong, and walk. Be the nice guy to yourself, first.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Wilsonx, she reminds me of my ex who was having sex with a nasty piece of something in his driveway, in the car and when I caught them they continued going at it, sounds and everything. Didn't care that I was watching or could see. I never knew people like this existed until I had front row seats. Nice guys don't have to be doormats to be nice guys. Recognize when someone is doing you wrong, and walk. Be the nice guy to yourself, first. Its hard and that by definition is what a nice guy is, its a doormat. Theres actually a really good book that I suggest people read No more mr nice guy by Robert Glover http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 |------------------------------|-----------------------------| Nice Guy .........................Gentleman...................... Assertive Jerk The problem with a lot of guys myself included at the end of the relationship is that we tend to stay in the nice guy section even when we are being treated like **** and walked on |-X----------------------------|-----------------------------| Nice Guy ......................... Gentleman...................... Assertive Jerk The key to this is always being in the middle and being able to go either left when her behavior dictates it. Thats why girls leave a NICE GUY for *******s/losers. Because they have the other as a back up plan to come back to when they are tired of this. Being a Gentleman allows you to treat her nice and be a nice guy when she treats you well but the second she stops treating you well, you become to assertive jerk to keep her from walking on you and protecting yourself. The problem is here, a lot of us stayed nice guys and the attraction faded because the loser showed the opposite end of the spectrum and that attracted her because she was tired of being the one in control. If you read a lot of the posts here about breakups, all of them are nice guys that post. Everyone wonders wtf is going on, shes a dumb bitch etc etc. Its true. Read the posts, guys are saying we have been together for 3.5 years with no fights (they are being nice and passive aggressive and allowing themselves to walk on) Theres no way to go in relationship for 3.5 years and not have big fights. Guys need to learn to stand up for themselves. Women RESPECT guys that stand up for themselves even from them. If you ever say something as a guy in the middle of a fight and you know that you are at least 51% right, DONT EVER apologize for it or for hurting her feelings. Remember as a guy you come first. If you do you are right back in in the nice guy zone Edited July 20, 2011 by wilsonx
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You can also relate this concept to homebrew's GIGS post. People leave for the opposite end of the spectrum. They go out and do the ******* jerk or nice guy (whatever they don't have currently) They look for others that are opposite their ex. They do that for a long period of time and realize how much happier they were with what they had and come back years down the road. The problem is that theres not a lot of reconciliation for these people because a lot of time has passed so theres no proof that they will stay even if they do come back. My guess is the same pattern will happen over and over and over for the rest of their lives until the person doing this destructive behavior realizes theres something wrong with them and do some internal soul searching
geegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I think it just boils down to having a strong sense of value and self esteem. Nothing more. When you have that, you'll stand up for yourself. When you don't, you will almost always be a doormat.
Author ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 wow, thanks people. first off the whole catching the girl screwing some guy in the drive way is crazy, wow... sorry man. yeah I'm a nice guy, but I never let her walk on me or do crap to me until now. I always stick up for myself, truly, until now. although she never treated me like crap, we weren't like that, she was usually nice, loving and caring too me. she wasn't acting any different this whole time. I think shell shocked is right. I'm still just in disbelief, this came out from the damn sky, it's freaking crazy. I think it's correct that I'm allowing this to happen in front of me because I don't want to make her more uncomfortable around me and thus drive her more to this other guy. I wanted to make things work. but you guys are right, I have to leave, I just have to.
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 It sucks Ken big time, but I'm glad you realize what you absolutely must do. There was another post, not unrelated, in which Bronco put things... let's say harsh, but yet spot on and tragically funny: "....Grow a freaking spine, and walk away with your pride, while you still have some left. Else, she will wipe her next BF's cum off her face with your deflated pride, and you will be left clapping. Harsh words, but true. I have seen some friends go through worse, because they willingly got 'Friendzoned' with their ex. Once 'friendzoned' you have no escape from the gruesome details of her BF banging her left, right and center. UP and down. Back and front. Do you want to be in that position? .... " Ken I wish you the best of luck you have a rough time ahead of you, but remember you WILL get through it and come out stronger and wiser. Start reading up on how to 'get over an ex'. There are ways to reduce the time you're in agony and slowly but surely get you where you need to be e.g. working out, seeing friends and family, doing creative stuff, spend time on hobbies and things YOU always liked or wanted to do. Read up and stick to it even when you're down and out. // Sebastian
Chi townD Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Drive her closer to this guy? She's having internet sex with this guy. She's already there!!! There's no need to be the nice guy anymore, that level of disrespect doesn't warrant being nice to her anymore. I bet she sits there and texts this guy right in front of you. Doesn't even have enough respect for you to try and hide it. Come on dude! The writting is on the wall! Start to ignore her, don't joke with her, don't talk about ANY with her. If she tries to strike up a conversation, keep your answers short, cold and calulated. If you're friends on Facebook, de-friend her NOW. if she see's you on the computer, make sure she's seeing real estate sites of you looking at apartments. You may live together, but she's gone. She isn't your friend. I'm sure that you didn't get into a relationship with her and invest time and emotions to her only to ultimately become, "just friends". You need to tell her that once you find a place, you're gone. And I mean gone for good, don't ever contact me again.
Author ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Drive her closer to this guy? She's having internet sex with this guy. She's already there!!! There's no need to be the nice guy anymore, that level of disrespect doesn't warrant being nice to her anymore. I bet she sits there and texts this guy right in front of you. Doesn't even have enough respect for you to try and hide it. Come on dude! The writting is on the wall! Start to ignore her, don't joke with her, don't talk about ANY with her. If she tries to strike up a conversation, keep your answers short, cold and calulated. If you're friends on Facebook, de-friend her NOW. if she see's you on the computer, make sure she's seeing real estate sites of you looking at apartments. You may live together, but she's gone. She isn't your friend. I'm sure that you didn't get into a relationship with her and invest time and emotions to her only to ultimately become, "just friends". You need to tell her that once you find a place, you're gone. And I mean gone for good, don't ever contact me again. Chi, man you sound angry. she will leave the room if they start texting, she will stay and continue texting him if I walk in where she is though. I told her not to hide it, I think that hiding it is more pathetic actually. it would also be hard to hide considering they text like 1-2 hours a night for the last 3 days. I hear you man, I do, but I just don't have that built up inside to just totally be cold, mean or anything, I just don't. she can do that crap, but I'm not going to be some a**hole to her for it. simply leaving and trying no contact is good enough for me, I don't feel the need to get so pissed off or feel the need to get even. I'll find someone who isn't going to do this kind of crap to me, but the thing is, I didn't think this girl ever would. thanks sebstian Edited July 20, 2011 by ken_25
Chi townD Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm not angry at you per say, just angry at your situation and your indifference to it. I mean, if the rolls were reversed, would she be as accepting as you are? Chances are she'd probably have your stuff sitting at the door when you got home.
geegirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Chi, man you sound angry. she will leave the room if they start texting, she will stay and continue texting him if I walk in where she is though. I told her not to hide it, I think that hiding it is more pathetic actually. it would also be hard to hide considering they text like 1-2 hours a night for the last 3 days. I hear you man, I do, but I just don't have that built up inside to just totally be cold, mean or anything, I just don't. she can do that crap, but I'm not going to be some a**hole to her for it. simply leaving and trying no contact is good enough for me, I don't feel the need to get so pissed off or feel the need to get even. I'll find someone who isn't going to do this kind of crap to me, but the thing is, I didn't think this girl ever would. thanks sebstian This woman is a cruel being. Cold and deviant. I'm sorry. If all you can muster is leaving and having no contact with her, please do it as soon as you can. You don't realize how much this can slowly erode your sense of self and diminish your spirit. This woman will be back when things with this guy goes south. I have a strong feeling that what they have right now is purely lust, although she probably believes its love. Built not to last, I guarantee. And when she comes back, you better remember how she treated you. This is not the end of it. Stop playing Mr. Nice Guy because you're still caught up with loving feelings. You can be Mr. Nice Guy, but one that will not put up with disrespect.
Kilty Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Ken , in the last few weeks ive kinda been the devil's advocate and tried to give hope when very little was there. However in your situation i have to agree with what everyone has said man. Just in case you are doubting them - get your hands down your pants and remind yourself that you do actually have testicles Then get out of there Keep your emotions in check at all times and do not fly off the handle or give this girl anything in that department - give her coldness and silence if you can. And go The only thing you could even begin to accept is if she throws herself at your feet and apologises and promises you lifelong loyalty after this And whats the chances of that dude ? Get out and get away from her I just think she believes that eventually you wont care, your feelings will die and she can then do what she likes without you hurting Thats called selfish delusion and not caring about someone elses feelings GO NOW
Author ken_25 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 yeah, you guys are right. I'm going to have some family come Saturday and move all my stuff into storage and then I'll be staying with my parents until I figure out my next move in starting over, I'm not going to tell her I'm moving probably until the day of. thanks again.
wilsonx Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) This woman is a cruel being. Cold and deviant. I'm sorry. If all you can muster is leaving and having no contact with her, please do it as soon as you can. You don't realize how much this can slowly erode your sense of self and diminish your spirit. This woman will be back when things with this guy goes south. I have a strong feeling that what they have right now is purely lust, although she probably believes its love. Built not to last, I guarantee. And when she comes back, you better remember how she treated you. This is not the end of it. Stop playing Mr. Nice Guy because you're still caught up with loving feelings. You can be Mr. Nice Guy, but one that will not put up with disrespect. It is pure lust. Ken, I will admit I was the doormat last time because I was naive when this happened to me a year ago. I thought the same thing happened. Its just a friend blah blah blah. She will come back, you can count on it. Just like mine will come back. But you have to say no. I have told me ex 3 times to move on and stop contacting me... and since I have gotten 3 more emails from her since the last time. Im 7 weeks out of my breakup and I am in a lot of pain even though i work out alot hang out with new friends etc... whats sad is after this happened. my dad told me the same thing happened to him 30+ years ago and she came back to him after months of partying and lusting even after cold no contact and him leaving. Guess what happened because of this... My dad met my mom 8 months later and to this day they are still together Edited July 21, 2011 by wilsonx
Author ken_25 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 yeah that's hard wilson, I can truly imagine. i said in one of my earlier posts that they were all going out to dinner again. well awhile after she was home I asked her even though I tried resisting, but I pussed out... did anything happen between them, she said he kissed her. I didn't have much reaction, I asked her if she felt alright doing it, she said yeah, it was exciting, but wasn't the greatest kiss. well, this made me feel better actually, kinda relieved, like I really wasn't being lied to and it's easier for me to leave. it seems like lust to me too. I can't wait to leave, I hope she comes crawling back, like she did her last bf (he denied her to after she tried to get back with him) so I can tell her no as well. thanks again everyone. this really helped me out, hell just explaining it to people I don't know feels good.
Sebstian Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 ....I asked her if she felt alright doing it, she said yeah, it was exciting, but wasn't the greatest kiss. well, this made me feel better actually, kinda relieved.... I hope you can see how grotesque this is! You're discussing how good it was kissing another man with the woman who was your gf just a week ago, and you're relieved when she says it wasn't all that great. These are some of the smallest bread crumbs I've heard of. You're now tasting the first flavor of the friend zone death trap! All that **** about 'the kiss wasn't that great' or 'I didn't get orgasm when masturbating to him' is just to make it easier for you. Of course, she doesn't want to rub it in, but she already is - BIG TIME! Good for you that you decided to get out of there! Let us know how you get on with it and best of luck! / Seb
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