Here's my story!

[TheHurtProcess]

Considering I’ve never actually posted “my story” and I’ve had a few people ask me “What’s your story?” over the past couple of weeks, I would like to get it all out in the open.

 

My relationship essentially started about three years ago. I had been single for a good 2-3 years or so. Sure I dated off and on in between, but nothing serious ever came from it. One day out of the blue, while I was doing my nightly thing after work (I worked second shift) on myspace, I get a friend request from some girl that I’ve never met in my life. I figured, she’s not bad looking, she seems nice, so I’ll add her. What’s the worst that can possibly happen? So, I thought, haha.

 

We started talking for a good while online only and then one day we exchange phone numbers. At first I really wasn’t all that interested in dating, especially since I’ve been hurt badly in previous relationships and she was also young. I was 26 (29 now) and she was 19 (22 now). I also have a five year old son. His mother and I had previously ended our relationship a couple years beforehand.

 

However, this girl kept trying and kept at it until I finally said to myself, “let’s give her a shot”. The relationship was decent for a good while, she ended up moving in with me after a short while. But I never really could find it in me to open my heart to her. She also had a pretty ripe attitude that I wasn’t too fond of. We ended up breaking up a few months into the relationship, but that was only temporary. Not too long after we got back together, she ended up cheating on me with her ex-bf. I chose to forgive her and give her another chance, considering the relationship was still quite fresh.

 

Fast forward about another year, maybe 1.5 years later and we end up on a mutual break. Once again, she ends up with another guy. This time it isn’t her ex, but a friend from high school supposedly. Well once again, I forgive and we get back together. Since I figured, we were on a break, how does it count? Well, it did. A week or so after that, she’s staying at her parents place and she tells me that she’s going to bed. I got an instinct that she was lying, so I drove past her house to find that her car wasn’t there. Boy, did I have it out with her after that. She told me that she went out to a party with some friends. But, as always, I was in denial and I thought she loved me, so what the hell. Let’s do this again.

 

Let’s fast forward a few more times and a couple more moments of infidelity and that brings us to about two months ago. Out of nowhere we have another fight and we both decide that it’s best to just take some time apart. After about a week, we have that “talk”. She realized during our week off that she wants to focus on herself, her schooling, her work and party it up with her friends. So, it appears that is what she is doing. I don’t know whether she’s met someone else or what is really going on in her life. I haven’t bothered to keep myself updated.

 

I realize that about the time I started opening my heart to her, she began to take advantage of it. I have, to this day been 100% loyal to her throughout the entirety of our relationship

 

I can’t help but feel that I’ve totally annihilated my dignity, self-respect and wasted so much time with her. This relationship pretty much consisted of me getting hurt, her being self-centered, selfish and doing as she wanted. I have no idea why I stayed. Perhaps I was afraid of being alone. Who knows?.

 

Well, anyways, here it is. I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible and in doing so, I’ve left out a ton, but I did try to get most of the important material in there.

 

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask away. Thanks for reading !

[krifle04]

Through my relationship I have learned to leave it at the first lie.

 

I think now about all the lies I've been told. And I wonder what lies I never found out. (There are some he admitted after we broke up that shocked me)

 

Makes me sick to my stomach to think I put up with it.

[wilsonx]

wow thehurtprocess, sounds like my story. I just slapped my palm on my forehead. I thought I was the only one that had it rough. Mine is a little different in the fact that her and I were just really good friends for a long time. Then we did the dating thing. Once that started, all the same stuff that happened to you happened to me. Its ****ing stupid. This is by far the worst most painful relationship I have ever been in my life. You can classify it anyway you want but, bitches be crazy.

 

The problem is that the people that you and I dated are immature. I mean really immature. If you haven't seen that yet, it is. Classic GIGS. Now you have to move forward and not accept her back in your life. I am 25 days NC and I see that I had the wool pulled over my eyes in the relationship too.

[wilsonx]

 

I can’t help but feel that I’ve totally annihilated my dignity, self-respect and wasted so much time with her. This relationship pretty much consisted of me getting hurt, her being self-centered, selfish and doing as she wanted. I have no idea why I stayed. Perhaps I was afraid of being alone. Who knows?. I will tell you why you stayed. The same reason I did. You thought they would change and be better people like we are. Also we did not know how to defend ourselves from people like them. In my entire life, I have never dated someone like this. Even when I was 22 and finishing college, I was way more mature then this. You know what you did annihilate your dignity, self-respect with her. But you did not waste time with her. You made decisions and guess what those decisions turned out to be bad decisions. You have learned from the decisions you made. This breakup will actually help you become a stronger person because of it

 

Well, anyways, here it is. I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible and in doing so, I’ve left out a ton, but I did try to get most of the important material in there.

 

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask away. Thanks for reading !

 

 

ugh typed in quotes

[TheHurtProcess]

wow thehurtprocess, sounds like my story. I just slapped my palm on my forehead. I thought I was the only one that had it rough. Mine is a little different in the fact that her and I were just really good friends for a long time. Then we did the dating thing. Once that started, all the same stuff that happened to you happened to me. Its ****ing stupid. This is by far the worst most painful relationship I have ever been in my life. You can classify it anyway you want but, bitches be crazy.

 

The problem is that the people that you and I dated are immature. I mean really immature. If you haven't seen that yet, it is. Classic GIGS. Now you have to move forward and not accept her back in your life. I am 25 days NC and I see that I had the wool pulled over my eyes in the relationship too.

 

I always thought our stories were very similar. I read through most of your earlier posts the other night because I was a bit curious... And because I'm stalking you, hahaha. Seriously however, classic GIGS cases my friend. I'm still 4 weeks NC (I've been going by weeks. I find days to repetitive, haha). I haven't responded to her "breadcrumb" message and I don't plan on breaking NC. She's going to have to try much harder than that if she has anything planned in the little head of hers. However, it does sound a bit like she may be feeling a little guilty. I suppose time will tell.

[TheHurtProcess]

ugh typed in quotes

I agree. Perhaps I did feel that she might change and I hoped that history wouldn't repeat itself even though it did, several times.

 

This too is definitely one of the most hurtful relationships I've been though.

[TheHurtProcess]

Through my relationship I have learned to leave it at the first lie.

 

I think now about all the lies I've been told. And I wonder what lies I never found out. (There are some he admitted after we broke up that shocked me)

 

Makes me sick to my stomach to think I put up with it.

 

I can't believe everything I put up with myself. It's pure garbage. I also realize that there are probably many lies I never found out about either. Knowing that this is probably the case is what keeps me sane.

[amethyste]

Ugh... sowwy you had to go through something like this.

Like wilsonx, I believe that your ex is immature, and from her immaturity all kind of other problems rise. I think that people act the way she did if they're immature and can't fully understand & handle a situation, or if they're completely aware & remorseless and care only about themselves. She doesn't seem aware of anything.

Personally, I could forgive my partner for cheating on me, but I could not take him back. My trust would be ruined, and I don't need insecurities in my relationship; I don't need to constantly suspect him of doing something behind my back. Of course, this is just what I'd do. When it comes to your relationships, you're the "judge". You decide if you wanna give someone a second chance (and I totally agree with "second chances", though there are cases in which I wouldn't give them, like in the example above). But if the story keeps repeating itself... a 3rd time, a 4th time, a 5th time, you need to step back and accept that not everybody can or is willing to change. I'm not such a big fan of Einstein, but didn't he say that you have to be insane to do the same thing over and over again, and to expect different results? I agree with this.

[wilsonx]

I can't believe everything I put up with myself. It's pure garbage. I also realize that there are probably many lies I never found out about either. Knowing that this is probably the case is what keeps me sane.

 

Actually what is funny about this is I use to be extremely self aware last year. I had a strong observing ego where I watch myself interact with situations in my life in real time and make decisions based on my observation of myself and whomever I am interacting with. I did not make any decisions even though my body was physically yelling at me to do so.

 

I threw the lies behind me because I trusted her more then myself. Everyday I remember a new day from last year where something did not sit right with me and I say **** she lied to me there too. Thats what happens when you are in love.

 

Be glad and just accept that you do not remember all the lies because it actually hurts more.

 

Honestly, we cant go back to our ex's no matter how much we still love them. Even years from now. These things they did to us did serious damage to both of us. You need to start letting go of even that hope that she might change and come back. People like this do not change. I read the divorce forum last night and saw the same behavior in my ex and in myself as a lot of the people posting there. It made me cringe that I had planned long term stuff with her. I could imagine 5 years from now posting on the divorce forums. You and I both have an advantage over people that have not dealt with this before, we know how to stop this in the future and can spot these people out from a mile away. 2 days ago, I was talking to 2 separate girls and both of them had the same personality traits as my ex, I got up and walked. My boss's wife who's leaving him after a 10 year marriage and taking his 3 kids has the same traits as my ex.

 

I will give you a huge hint to add to your personal boundary if you have started one. "I only associate myself with selfless people" That rules out both of our ex's and future ex's on the spot

[radiodarcy]

thanks for sharing HurtProcess. i am sorry you had to go through that though. it really is like a betrayal.

 

the guy that dumped me had been a friend and co-worker for years. we dated hard core for about two months but just as i started to fall for him, things fizzled out on his end and deteriorated into a friends with benefits situation that last for about two and a half years. i pleaded for a relationship but he refuse saying he wasn't ready for one.

 

during that time i knew he was most likely seeing other girls but there wasn't much i could say about it. i should have walked but because he was my first love (first everything really) i couldn't bring myself to do it. eventually he cut off the benefits part saying he wanted to be friends.

 

two months after that, he decided he was ready for a relationship - - only not with me -- he told me he would be joining a dating website to find "the one". needless to say that didn't go over well with me we had a big fight and well - - that's how i found loveshack.

 

i made the mistake of breaking NC after about two and a half months when he contacted me the day before my birthday in february - - you know he never did say happy birthday the next day:rolleyes:

 

but he seemed genuinely happy to be back in touch with me and i thought i had healed enough to be back in contact so i went back to day to day contact with him. big mistake. with two weeks he would casually mention the dates he had lined up. i tried to play along but after a week i could take hearing about it. i told him as much and why and went back to NC. because not only did it hurt to hear about those other women i also found myself remembering him for all the qualities that made him my friend in the first place. but i don's think i'll ever get past my feelings to the point where i can be ok with him being with someone else.

 

it sucks to know that someone i considered a friend and thought i could trust would treat me this way.and really -- what kind of friend would?

[TheHurtProcess]

Ugh... sowwy you had to go through something like this.

Like wilsonx, I believe that your ex is immature, and from her immaturity all kind of other problems rise. I think that people act the way she did if they're immature and can't fully understand & handle a situation, or if they're completely aware & remorseless and care only about themselves. She doesn't seem aware of anything.

Personally, I could forgive my partner for cheating on me, but I could not take him back. My trust would be ruined, and I don't need insecurities in my relationship; I don't need to constantly suspect him of doing something behind my back. Of course, this is just what I'd do. When it comes to your relationships, you're the "judge". You decide if you wanna give someone a second chance (and I totally agree with "second chances", though there are cases in which I wouldn't give them, like in the example above). But if the story keeps repeating itself... a 3rd time, a 4th time, a 5th time, you need to step back and accept that not everybody can or is willing to change. I'm not such a big fan of Einstein, but didn't he say that you have to be insane to do the same thing over and over again, and to expect different results? I agree with this.

 

Thanks for your input amethyste. I thought that after the first time she would change. Plus, it was at the beginning of the relationship where I wasn't as invested. The next few infidelity sessions were after I completely opened my heart to her. I personally believe that it had something to do with the fact that I had put so much effort and hard work into the relationship and I didn't want to see it go to waste. I was completely invested at that point and I will admit that I was "blindly" in love. Plus, as wilsonx stated, I "thought they would change and be better people like we are."

[TheHurtProcess]

thanks for sharing HurtProcess. i am sorry you had to go through that though. it really is like a betrayal.

 

the guy that dumped me had been a friend and co-worker for years. we dated hard core for about two months but just as i started to fall for him, things fizzled out on his end and deteriorated into a friends with benefits situation that last for about two and a half years. i pleaded for a relationship but he refuse saying he wasn't ready for one.

 

during that time i knew he was most likely seeing other girls but there wasn't much i could say about it. i should have walked but because he was my first love (first everything really) i couldn't bring myself to do it. eventually he cut off the benefits part saying he wanted to be friends.

 

two months after that, he decided he was ready for a relationship - - only not with me -- he told me he would be joining a dating website to find "the one". needless to say that didn't go over well with me we had a big fight and well - - that's how i found loveshack.

 

i made the mistake of breaking NC after about two and a half months when he contacted me the day before my birthday in february - - you know he never did say happy birthday the next day:rolleyes:

 

but he seemed genuinely happy to be back in touch with me and i thought i had healed enough to be back in contact so i went back to day to day contact with him. big mistake. with two weeks he would casually mention the dates he had lined up. i tried to play along but after a week i could take hearing about it. i told him as much and why and went back to NC. because not only did it hurt to hear about those other women i also found myself remembering him for all the qualities that made him my friend in the first place. but i don's think i'll ever get past my feelings to the point where i can be ok with him being with someone else.

 

it sucks to know that someone i considered a friend and thought i could trust would treat me this way.and really -- what kind of friend would?

 

You're right. That's exactly why I can't be "friends" with my ex after the fact either. I can't see someone who can do the things she did being a very good friend.

 

That reminds me, my exes birthday is coming up next week. I'll have to remember NOT to add that to my calendar and to NOT buy her a ton of bday presents. We'll have to stop at the supermarket and look at cakes to NOT purchase. Ice cream cake sounds good this time of year.

 

How about I just pretend I actually thought about doing all of that for a minute. Or better yet, I can buy a cake and presents and celebrate by myself.

[TheHurtProcess]

Actually what is funny about this is I use to be extremely self aware last year. I had a strong observing ego where I watch myself interact with situations in my life in real time and make decisions based on my observation of myself and whomever I am interacting with. I did not make any decisions even though my body was physically yelling at me to do so.

 

I threw the lies behind me because I trusted her more then myself. Everyday I remember a new day from last year where something did not sit right with me and I say **** she lied to me there too. Thats what happens when you are in love.

 

Be glad and just accept that you do not remember all the lies because it actually hurts more.

 

Honestly, we cant go back to our ex's no matter how much we still love them. Even years from now. These things they did to us did serious damage to both of us. You need to start letting go of even that hope that she might change and come back. People like this do not change. I read the divorce forum last night and saw the same behavior in my ex and in myself as a lot of the people posting there. It made me cringe that I had planned long term stuff with her. I could imagine 5 years from now posting on the divorce forums. You and I both have an advantage over people that have not dealt with this before, we know how to stop this in the future and can spot these people out from a mile away. 2 days ago, I was talking to 2 separate girls and both of them had the same personality traits as my ex, I got up and walked. My boss's wife who's leaving him after a 10 year marriage and taking his 3 kids has the same traits as my ex.

 

I will give you a huge hint to add to your personal boundary if you have started one. "I only associate myself with selfless people" That rules out both of our ex's and future ex's on the spot

 

Yes sir, it's a scary world out there, because it's full of these types of people. It definitely makes me sad to think that you never really know a person as well as you thought you did. You could have been married to them for 10 years and out of nowhere, they change or perhaps this was them all along. That is what is going to be my biggest issue when it comes to possibly getting into another relationship down the road somewhere.

 

I actually just got a girls number a couple days ago. She's cute and we seem to have a lot in common. However, she's about 4-5 years younger than I am (I'm 28, going on 29 in Sept). I told her that I'd call her a couple days ago and never did (oops). Oh well, like they say in the movie "Swingers", you have to give it a couple days or you look desperate. But still, on a serious note, it's as if I'm afraid of losing my mind and my heart all over again. I'm afraid that I've now got an indestructible barrier around my heart and it isn't coming down anytime soon.

 

You're right though... We can't ever trust them again. It's not like I was seriously hoping that she would come back and we would get back together, because I know that really isn't possible.

[radiodarcy]

you should! better yet, buy a cake and presents and invite your friends over for your own party!

 

my ex's bday is the 25th of this month that's what i'll be doing

[TheHurtProcess]

Definitely. Celebrate the fact that they are no longer in your life.

[wilsonx]

ugh... i had to reread this post, this is word for word my ex... it hurts internally... the same exact thing happened. Even the timeframes are consistent.

[restricted]

Hey Hurt Process,

 

I just had a chance to tune in to your thread. I'm sorry to hear of the pain you're going through. Breaking up is never an easy thing to do, especially when its someone who's familiar to us. That's probably the most scary part of a break up, you don't know what comes next. It's the fear of the unknown.

 

I think its a combination of love and fear that makes us choose to ignore red flags when our mates literally smack our foreheads with them.. I was with my ex for 8 years and ignored so many red flags for those very same reasons. What you did by taking her back each time is not unusual because you obviously were in love and saw hope in her changing. The fact that she was with another guy whether it be during a break or out with friends after her saying she was asleep speaks alot to her character. She's a liar either way and can not be trusted. She is too unstable right now to be in a relaitionship with anyone. The fact that she cheated once early in the relationship and continued these patterns of behavior showed she has "itchy feet" and uses any opportunity she can (especially a break) to lay with someone else.

 

You deserve better than that man. You're almost 30, so your maturity levels are different. Don't get me wrong, there are some very mature 22 year olds, but she's obviously not one of them. She sounds very selfish and confused about what she wants.

 

I know how you feel right now. It never feels good to be torn apart from someone you care deeply about, especially someone you've been with long term. But ask yourself this.... "Can i marry this person?" or "Even if we didn't get married and just stayed together could i put up with this back and forth?" Given what you know about her, hopefully the answer is no to both of these questions. Cut your losses bro. Grieve the pain for a while, take time out for yourself and move on. The future will probably end up bringing you someone better than your ex and you'll remember back to this time and kick yourself for putting up with this as long as you did.

 

fetish

[TheHurtProcess]

Hey Hurt Process,

 

I just had a chance to tune in to your thread. I'm sorry to hear of the pain you're going through. Breaking up is never an easy thing to do, especially when its someone who's familiar to us. That's probably the most scary part of a break up, you don't know what comes next. It's the fear of the unknown.

 

I think its a combination of love and fear that makes us choose to ignore red flags when our mates literally smack our foreheads with them.. I was with my ex for 8 years and ignored so many red flags for those very same reasons. What you did by taking her back each time is not unusual because you obviously were in love and saw hope in her changing. The fact that she was with another guy whether it be during a break or out with friends after her saying she was asleep speaks alot to her character. She's a liar either way and can not be trusted. She is too unstable right now to be in a relaitionship with anyone. The fact that she cheated once early in the relationship and continued these patterns of behavior showed she has "itchy feet" and uses any opportunity she can (especially a break) to lay with someone else.

 

You deserve better than that man. You're almost 30, so your maturity levels are different. Don't get me wrong, there are some very mature 22 year olds, but she's obviously not one of them. She sounds very selfish and confused about what she wants.

 

I know how you feel right now. It never feels good to be torn apart from someone you care deeply about, especially someone you've been with long term. But ask yourself this.... "Can i marry this person?" or "Even if we didn't get married and just stayed together could i put up with this back and forth?" Given what you know about her, hopefully the answer is no to both of these questions. Cut your losses bro. Grieve the pain for a while, take time out for yourself and move on. The future will probably end up bringing you someone better than your ex and you'll remember back to this time and kick yourself for putting up with this as long as you did.

 

fetish

 

Thanks for the support my friend. I totally agree. Thus far I've remained strong. I refuse to break NC, even if she has been sending me bs messages. Still going 28 days strong.

 

Stop back again sometime.