Is this relationship worth saving? Is it possible?

[rosie72]

My partner of ten years told me a month ago he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. he can't come to a decision whether to leave or not, and the hanging on is destroying me. Basically, he agrees we have a good relationship - we still talk, get on very well, the bedroom side is great, he is still very attracted to me. We have a lovely home and family life (i realise those practical things are just material and not of much importance though) BUT he says he's bored, feels old, and wants change, and fears the future will just bring a slow humdrum decline in excitement. He also says he feels he has driven the relationship himself and i am too passive. this is true, i've leant on him too much and need to change myself above all else.

He can't even decide if this whole thing he's going through is to do with me or to do with midlife crisis type stuff. Basically he's basing his possible decision to leave on vague 'things' in the future which may or not happen. He also wants his own child but i may not be able to have more. We have one son age 11 (not his but he loves him as much as if he were and has been with us both since he was 1) and he says he cannot leave him. The problem is he feels he either has to commit to me now to be with me FOREVER, or leave. He can't make the choice. I pointed out that no-one can know what will happen in the future, we just have NOW, and that yes, in 5, 10 years things could change, but i dont feel he should throw it all away without even trying.

Does it seem as though we have any hope or should i gracefully let him leave? Is there anything i can do to help him through this without being manipulative. I realise the truth of 'if you love them let them go' but deep down i don't want to let him go.. Any advice or support would be wonderful, I'm in such pain and can't eat sleep or work right now. Just dont know what to do...

Edited July 12, 2011 by rosie72

[Mack05]

My partner of ten years told me a month ago he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. he can't come to a decision whether to leave or not, and the hanging on is destroying me. Basically, he agrees we have a good relationship - we still talk, get on very well, the bedroom side is great, he is still very attracted to me. We have a lovely home and family life (i realise those practical things are just material and not of much importance though) BUT he says he's bored, feels old, and wants change, and fears the future will just bring a slow humdrum decline in excitement. He also says he feels he has driven the relationship himself and i am too passive. this is true, i've leant on him too much and need to change myself above all else.

He can't even decide if this whole thing he's going through is to do with me or to do with midlife crisis type stuff. Basically he's basing his possible decision to leave on vague 'things' in the future which may or not happen. He also wants children but i may not be able to have more. We have one son age 11 and he says he cannot leave him. The problem is he feels he either has to commit to me now to be with me FOREVER, or leave. He can't make the choice. I pointed out that no-one can know what will happen in the future, we just have NOW, and that yes, in 5, 10 years things could change, but i dont feel he should throw it all away without even trying.

Does it seem as though we have any hope or should i gracefully let him leave? Is there anything i can do to help him through this without being manipulative. I realise the truth of 'if you love them let them go' but deep down i don't want to let him go.. Any advice or support would be wonderful, I'm in such pain and can't eat sleep or work right now. Just dont know what to do...

 

Wow Rosie this sounds like a horrible place to be in. Living with someone who you love, wondering everyday if he wants to be with you or not. I think this looks like some sort of mid life crisis. You would be amazed how many people have these. Some leave and in the majority of the cases they come back when they realise just how lonely it is out there (there is a lovely song written about this. It's about a man who leaves his family, only for life to show him what he was missing ->

 

Life can be hard, there are no two ways about this. I think people in these personal crisis are just not thinking clearly. I mean if the relationship was toxic and your boy was suffering then I would leave let him leave, but is this clearly not the case. Going out clubbing try to pull girls a lot younger then you is a not a very meaningful or fulfilling life. The friends you used to have fun with are no longer available. I'm not sure what he thinks he is missing out on?

 

If he leaves he will cause so much hurt for you and your son. I would try convince him to join couples counselling. This can very be stressful and you might hear things that really hurt you (and vice versa) but it might be the best way to save your relationship. It has to be worth suggesting to him. A lot of times Rosie I would offer advice and say let them go. But not here. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and fight for your relationship, your family. I would exhaust every avenue possible until I was told my partner no longer wanted me. You owe that to myself and you owe that to your boy...

 

I felt very sad reading your post. I really hope your partner see's sense and realises what he has and what he would be missing...

[CaliBabe]

Let him go, let him find himself. Hopefully in his search, it will lead him back to you. If it does, you know what you have is real and will last.

[SugarLily]

Let him leave.

 

It sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis - his actions come across as being selfish (especially as there is a child involved).

 

You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

He's probably expecting you to do anything you can to get him to stay.

 

Surprise him, and give him the freedom to leave and 'find himself' - or whatever it is he 'needs' so badly to do.

 

Let him go, and move forwards with your life.

 

You will never be entirely satisfied with your relationship now that you know he is not completely commited to you or your life together.

 

You deserve so much better than this.

 

Give him the responsibility of leaving you - he will never forgive himself once he realises what he has lost.

 

x

[rosie72]

Thanks so much for your advice and also compassion and empathy. made me cry (again) to read through. I know I can't do anything to make him stay. I have to give him the freedom and space to walk away if that's what he wants. i do believe deep down it would be a mistake he would regret. Funny thing is, he's now making all these other changes in his life (yes read midlife crisis for sure!) - wants to join a gym, do yoga, find more work (he's freelance and money has been tight) - but he can't yet see the possibility of also working to improve our relationship! He told me yesterday he wants to have a 'break' from all the stress over the situation - that he needs that to be able to evaluate his what's going on in his head. By break i htink he means he doesnt want to talk about it anymore for a while, and he would like for me to be miss sunny cheerful disposition. Not sure i am able to do that!

What i don't know is how long i can keep hanging on in this pain, sleeping next to him but so far from him, not being able to meet his eyes, and sneaking off into the bathroom when i'm welling up so much i can't hold it in. I wonder if i should give him an ultimatum - a time limit on his choice. I don't know if that would focus him or force him into a decision that he's not thought through...

[rosie72]

Now i discover that the real root is that he just doesnt love me as he should anymore.. he's gone numb. The old ' i love you but im not in love with you' line. He said that even the thought of me with another man wouldnt bother him, though he said if if i died he would be devastated. Hmm, thats pretty clear isnt it?

So...he says he STILL doesnt know what to do. i asked him to leave at the weekend, i couldnt take being in the house with him, but he said he just couldnt, he's not ready to make the decsion. Then pretty much agreed that if we DO split up, we should at least wait until our boy is settled into his new school in november. It seems he wants more and more time. I said to him, what the hell, if we are going to wait that cant we give saving things a shot? At least we will then be able to say we tried everything before giving up everything. He nodded but didnt say much more. Now, i wonder, it has been around 6 weeks, and he still cannot make the decision. I'd be interested to hear your opinions on whether this means he may stay with me (i know im desperate here for answers). Also what do i have to now do - give him space? be extra nice to him? show him how hurt and angry i am? i dont know how to act..

 

(ps - counselling not an option, we are too skint and i dont think we would suit it!)

[Sebstian]

That's so sad! Got my eyes watery at least.

 

He can't make the decision, so you'll have to do it for him. It's so unfair that you should be the one to kick out the one you love the most and don't want to be without.

 

But I think you need to kick him out. You can't go on living like that and much more of it will kill all chances of you finding each other again down the line. I think he needs to live on his own for a while, learn that it sucks (it does) and miss you so much that he's dying inside. Only then will you get the man you love and deserve. One who's grateful just for having you.

 

You're in a pretty good position for getting him back too, if you play your cards right. Let him step all over you for too long and it will be hard to fix in the future. You might end up hating him for it. But if you kick him out and give him the cold shoulder, he'll really feel the loss full on and likely come crawling back.

 

At least that's how I see it. I'm so sorry for you!!

[fetish1980]

the relationship sounds salvagable but it's going to take two people to make it happen. Meaning, no matter how much you do or try, you can't solve his issues. Sure you can spice things up in the bedroom, drive the relaitonship by suggesting more creative and newer things to do, but alot of his issues are his own that you can't fix. The kid thing is something you may not be able to fix.

 

You need to let him make his own choice. Even if he's just confused and might be suffering from a small case of "What if?" You might just have to let him go and find out. Just be clear that you may or may not still be there.

 

Tough spot you're in. I was there. With my girlfriend for the past 8 years. She made it easy for me by leaving the relaitionship to go out and have her fun. I think she's kicking herself now, knowing that she can't have me back anytime she wants.

[countingstarsagain]

rosie, i totally am in your shoes right now. my boyfriend has out of the blue also asked for a "break". i've decided to give him the break and i'm not going to be readily available for him anymore. he wants for us to continue talking and such but there's no way he's going to miss me if i'm always at his disposal. i recommend you do the same. do not initiate contact unless absolutely necessary. my friends are saying he will see that single life isn't what it's cracked up to be and will be crawling back. i'm not so sure i'll be willing to take him back if i'm all healed up and over this heartbreak. wishing you the best!! try to keep your chin up and don't show him any weakness if you can prevent it. he will realize what he's losing.

[dng]

It seems he wants more and more time.

 

Ok, here comes the advice you dont want to hear. His escape pod is not totally ready and he's milking you for the time he needs to line everything up properly for his exit.

 

What you do is up to you, I'm sure others with more experience will chime in.

[English-Rose]

Is there even the slightest possibility that there is someone else involved? I'm sure he would deny it but that's the gut feeling I'm getting...... Sorry Rosie. I'm gutted for you Reading your story, such a bad place to be. Maybe you would benefit from some time living apart, sounds like you would anyway. You sound like youre walking on egg shells with him being there. Give him his space and distance yourself in all ways including unnecessary contact. He will surely realise that he's making an almighty mistake. Unless I'm right and there is a 3rd party involved in which case you're going to need to accept and seek the support of your family and friends and forums like these. I hope things work out for you, I really hope wrong about my gut feeling...... x

[sleepykitten]

Oh Rosie, I truely eel for you, you must be devastated. It certainly sounds like he has a case of the grass is greener syndrome, theres some great threads on here about that by Homebrew. He does sound like he is totally taking the piss, saying all that, then not wanting to go just at the moment thanks, no no no. Rosie you have to take control, he says he doesnt love you in the "same" way anymore, he doesnt know what he wants etc. You sound like an amazingly lovely person, you deserve to have someone who will fight tooth and nail to be with you and count themselves lucky every day for that. Tell him to leave, have a break, dont contact him at all, he will soon realise what he has lost. the grass isnt always greener and people dont find that out untill they realise what they have left behind. Keep posting on this forum, its been a godsend for me. Good luck, stay strong. xxx

[rosie72]

thank you all for your wise words. The resounding opinion seems to be be to kick him out. I totally see the wisdom in that. But im so scared. Scared for myself, to be alone and with no hope, but mostly scared for my boy, who will be devastated, as he's going through a tough time right now anyway. I dont know if i can find the strength to make the choice for him - that will be the hardest thing ive ever had to do. I'm not feeling strong right now, im feeling destroyed, like my whole life and worth has been ripped away. I keep getting panic attacks and just feel exhausted. Thank goodness for this forum, its a little lifeline..

As for the possibility of there being someone else. Yes its crossed my mind, especially as he works away a lot he has ample opportunity. I dont think i even want to know actually. I couldnt take any more pain.

Well he is back in a few days from working away. He seems to be trying to be as honest with me as he knows how, if it turns out he has been with someone else i guess it will at least make it clear what i have to do..

Thanks everyone, i hope no-one minds if i keep coming back to this!

[English-Rose]

Don't worry about coming back to the forum as and when you feel like asking advice or just letting off steam. You are in good company, lots of people here are in bad emotional places and struggling but it's great knowing that you're not alone. Kids are resilient and your son, if you do throw your partner out, will hopefully still have a relationship with him independant of you. Yes it'll be hard, of course it will. But will it be any more difficult than the hell he's putting you through already? Your son probably picks up on things not being quite right anyway. Unless you're a great actress! Have you seen your GP about getting antidepressants? My doc prescribed me 20mg citalopram and to be honest it's helped me feel less overemotional. I cried every time I was in my car alone and throughout the day felt close to dissolving into tears. It's only a short term helping hand. I was dead against them to start with and was so ashamed to need that kind of help but now I know it's helped me a lot. The other thing that's been great is finding this forum and commencing no contact with my exB. I thought i'd never smile or laugh again, I was so wrong! Life goes on. Take care and sending u a great big (((((e-hug)))))

[rosie72]

Thanks english-rose. Well, the decision to kick him out has been taken from my hands. two nights ago he told me its definitely over, no hope, not willing to try. I spent the night on the sofa cushions downstairs in complete shock and having massive panic attacks to the point where i felt my mind had snapped. I'm so torn up, i cant even describe it, though i'm sure you all know only too well how it feels. i stooped so low and pretty much begged him to stay - for my sons sake as well as mine. He said he *could* stay but that it would only make it worse. I know this, im clinging desperately to try to make the pain stop. But my dignity is so gone i even feel like him staying without loving me (and then probably going through it all again) would STILL be better than whats happening.

My son has anxiety issues and an eating disorder which has only just got better after 6 years, plus he was horribly affected by my breakup with his real dad and all the problems over his life that that caused, and im so worried about how he will react. He's so vunerable. i myself suffer form anxiety and panic attacks. i feel like i'm going to have another nervous breakdown. the panic and fear that is welling up in me every few minutes is so strong feel like i will die. i'm so scared how to manage, i can hardly even get up my energy is all gone.

Last night we had a long talk, we really got the bottom of a lot of reasons why our connection (or rather his connection to me) was gone. it was very enlightening. At one point i thought he was going to 'see the light' but no he is still adamant. He knows how scared i am as was beside himself at the pain he was causing me - he hates hurting me. he said he will still be there at all times to support me, im not going to be alone. I told him he was mad if we thought we would still be friends, and he looked completely shocked.. He still says he wishes he had never told me all this, that he would have worked through it, or even just ignored it and carried. I so wish we never had that first conversation.

I want him to stay with me as well for the sake of our son, and he also wonders if that is more important than his feelings for me. I feel like i could persuade him to do that. Would this be crazy to do this? i feel like if we did we might be able to rebuild our connection, especially as we now have uncovered all the reasons why it went wrong (im still clinging on here as you see). I just cant let him go

Edited July 25, 2011 by rosie72
sp.

[rosie72]

anyone? im feeling so alone here..

[Mack05]

Rosie this is a truly horrible situation. I know previously I recommended that you fight tooth and nail for your family, but that would involve you both going to counselling and you both wanting to try figure out where things went wrong. Sadly, he has made his mind up and is determined to leave. This is a horrible situation and I think everyone is really going to feel for you. Bad enough ever losing someone we love, but when you have been together for so long and there is a child involved it is absolutely devastating.

 

If you can't afford therapy then please buy a book called "Getting past your relationship". The author Susan J Elliot describes in the first chapter crying on the kitchen floor as her husband and father of her two kids left her and the marriage. She then describes the steps she took to get her life back and pick up the pieces from the devastation. I wish I had better news for you Rosie. I think you have to leave him go. I know you are desperate to hold onto him but the more you hold him against his will...

 

1) He will get more and more angry, things will get worse and worse at home (believe me) and 2) This is have an even worse impact on your son then your husband staying.

 

You have to let him go Rosie. If you ever want to talk please send me a private message).

[immitable]

Rosie there is hope being that you still have the communication, why don't you guys agree on healing separation rather than breakup.

 

Nowadays it seems that it is a lot easier to destroy something than to make the effort to save it and this is sad.

 

You guys definately need some time apart to figure things out, you as well. Healing separation is something i read in a book called Loving Choices on how to make relationships last and it seems to make sense. You basically are separated but work together or have regular contacts, it is a process where you try to think with your head and avoid acting emotional because action causes reaction etc.

Edited July 28, 2011 by immitable

[rosie72]

Rosie this is a truly horrible situation. I know previously I recommended that you fight tooth and nail for your family, but that would involve you both going to counselling and you both wanting to try figure out where things went wrong. Sadly, he has made his mind up and is determined to leave. This is a horrible situation and I think everyone is really going to feel for you. Bad enough ever losing someone we love, but when you have been together for so long and there is a child involved it is absolutely devastating.

 

If you can't afford therapy then please buy a book called "Getting past your relationship". The author Susan J Elliot describes in the first chapter crying on the kitchen floor as her husband and father of her two kids left her and the marriage. She then describes the steps she took to get her life back and pick up the pieces from the devastation. I wish I had better news for you Rosie. I think you have to leave him go. I know you are desperate to hold onto him but the more you hold him against his will...

 

1) He will get more and more angry, things will get worse and worse at home (believe me) and 2) This is have an even worse impact on your son then your husband staying.

 

You have to let him go Rosie. If you ever want to talk please send me a private message).

 

Thank you Mack. I'm defintely going to order that book you suggested - i need any support i can get right now. I think i'm beginning to accept now that it's really over, and i'm hurting even worse - i suppose i was clinging to hope. But we talked at the weekend, and he is ABSOLUTELY unmoveable on trying to work things out. He does not want to try, because he is utterly convinced that it will do no good. Not even for the sake of our boy will he give it a shot. So that is that. All the love we had and the good life we had together he's jusy throwing away like rubbish. Its very out of character, he has always been such a good man, kind, caring and reliable. The person i'm seeing now is not him.

The worst of it is our boy - he's just about to start secondary school in september, and we seem to have come to a kind tentative agreement to wait until he is settled into school before he tells him and leaves - maybe until october. So until then we are still together at home, he is still sleeping in bed with me as we don't have a spare room, and our son would know immediately if he slept on the sofa. He's picking up on it all though - he asked me yesterday why i seemed so sad

My partner is growing colder towards me each day. He sits in the kitchen at night on his laptop while i am in the living room reading. The atmosphere is hell. In the day he speaks to me normally if our boy is with us. He won't look me in the eye, flinches if i brush against him in bed and moves even further away. I am lying there crying and he says not a word. I dont want to be crying, i want to be strong but the tears just come. It's like he hates me now.

It is driving me crazy.. 3 months like this?? It's intolerable. However due to my sons anxiety issues (which i mentioned earlier i think) I see the need to choose the time carefully. My boys going to fall apart i know it, and i dont know if i will have the strength to support him when i feel so destroyed myself..

Hmmm, what am i expecting here from you guys.. i'm just venting. But maybe someone else has been in a similar situation? Sorry this post is so long..

Edited August 1, 2011 by rosie72

[rosie72]

Is there even the slightest possibility that there is someone else involved? I'm sure he would deny it but that's the gut feeling I'm getting...... Sorry Rosie. I'm gutted for you Reading your story, such a bad place to be. Maybe you would benefit from some time living apart, sounds like you would anyway. You sound like youre walking on egg shells with him being there. Give him his space and distance yourself in all ways including unnecessary contact. He will surely realise that he's making an almighty mistake. Unless I'm right and there is a 3rd party involved in which case you're going to need to accept and seek the support of your family and friends and forums like these. I hope things work out for you, I really hope wrong about my gut feeling...... x

 

hey all. Well, you were right english-rose, i found out yesterday he has cheated. He said he had one 'encounter' four months ago, and had and still has feelings for her. So that's that. i m so destroyed.. He said that everything he said still stands - that he's not felt love for me for a long time, that he feels old etc etc. But basically he's been stringing me along in agony for two months giving the impression he may stay. Now i know why he wasn't willing to work things out - he has his next one lined up and doesnt want to lose her..All along he must have known he just wanted to leave me for this other woman. He says he's not going to 'go to her' that he's going to be alone and not rush into anything. But i can't trust anything he says now..

My head is just filled with images of him, the man i love with someone else. Its so horrible. My life is ruined