sd89 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 so i thought i got a good meet up after the first no contact, things went well. then i called her to make plans the next day to go on a bike ride, but she had no time. i didnt sweat it. after that i never initiated a call but always answered. she called me asking for money i owe her and we make plans to meet up later and then one hour before she bails on the plans. but she said she really needed the money, i guess not that bad. what could this mean? maybe she has too much pride to confront me about anything or thinks that i will bring our relationship up if we meet (which i wont unless she does). i just dont want these meaningless calls to meet and then not meet, but i dont want to break all contact. what should i do?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 sounds like you are doing a lot of pulling her in and not enough pushing her away. next time she calls to try to make plans with you just say "um... well I already have plans with some of my buddies then, maybe next time". if she thinks she can call up and make plans with you whenever, you become the backup guy or the backup guy that she would never want to date again.
danny1972 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 i agreee with heart totally .. the ball is in your court more than you realize , how you play it is entirely up to you
Author sd89 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 so no matter what next time i should push away? even though her birthday is coming up?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 you can wish her a happy birthday, just don't over do it. I simple "happy birthday" will suffice. if you find that you need to get her something for her birthday you can get her a very plain friendly card (nowhere on the card should it say love, or any reference to more than friendship). And yes you want to push her away more. You can create attraction by doing this. You want to push her away equally as much as you are pulling her in (sometimes you might even want to push her away more). Try telling her that you have plans next time she tries to set something up with you then maybe next time agree to her plans. If you are always there at her feet she will see no value in being with you. Like diamonds, if you could go out in your front yard and get as many as you want, whenever you wanted, they would hold no value to you.
Author sd89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I understand what you are trying to say. And I know this would make me more attractive. The thing is that all these meaningless calls and false hopes just to hang out as "friends" are making me unhappy and I feel like I should tell her that. I want to tell her that I cant be a friend to her right now and heal at the same time. I don't know how to tell her though. I have a few things at her house i need to get, maybe when I go there I could tell her. Or should I get my things, then next time on the phone tell her. Or should I write it to her in a hand written letter. I prefer face to face since I can get and see a reaction out of her and she cant hide from saying anything. But I also like the idea of writing a letter, because I can clearly write down EVERYTHING that I want to say about the situation and not let my emotions take control. I was thinking about saying something along the lines of this: I dont think us being friends right now is the best thing for me to heal from the hurt of the break up. I would be lying to you and myself if I only wanted to be friends right now, as I still have deeper feelings for you. These feelings might never change. I dont want that to scare you into thinking that this maybe be our last words either. I just want you to know overall that this was a decision you chose, not to be with me and you cant expect me to go halfway on my feelings for you just so you can relieve a little bit of the guilt of hurting me buy knowing im not bitter towards you. In fact Im not bitter at all and I understand that sometimes people dont know whats right for them and their future and may have to question it at some point, with any type of relationship/job/lifestyle change/etc. We never know the right way to handle these situations and I think you saw the best way and took it. I respect that you took the courage and had the self dignity to make such a choice and to be honest with me about how you feel about us and not just pretend and drag on a non-working relationship. But right now I need some space as well. I have the feeling a lot like Im being toyed around and I don't like being someones plan b. I also dont like overalyzing everything that has to do with us, when we meet, if we meet, what she thinks, what should I do, etc. For me thats not a healthy friendship at the moment. Time may come when we can truely be friends again but right now is not the moment. I need from you to understand that I need to heal from this break up and us being friends right now isnt right for me. Do you guys think that this may push her away and bring her back down the road? My ex has GIGS and I want whats best for her and me and respect her decision at the moment. I dont think there is another guy involved. I see her realizing her mistake.
aussie_bloke Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Dude, my advice is don't say that in a letter, in a text message, in an email, a song nothing.... the whole paragraph is basically a drawn out way of saying "its all or nothing... I can't be just friends". If you must talk to her, call her up and say only that and then end the conversation. Don't get stuck being her yo-yo she can play with whenever she wants!
Author sd89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 yeah but theres a lot of things i want to tell her. how i feel about everything. should I give her that? i think it will make me feel better knowing that i told her exactly how i feel.
aussie_bloke Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 yeah but theres a lot of things i want to tell her. how i feel about everything. should I give her that? i think it will make me feel better knowing that i told her exactly how i feel. If it will truely help you feel better than sure, but do you think it will it really make a difference? I think you may get a better response with a confident, im not taking any $hit approach as opposed to the soft sucky approach. I wish you the best of luck which ever way you go and hope it gets better for you mate
Author sd89 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I think I can convey that confident message through telling her how I feel as well. And thanks.
Author sd89 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 She hasn't called me in 3 day until today to tell me about a health issue she had and then said her dad was calling and had to go and would call later. What does this seem like? I still haven't told her yet how I feel about the whole contact thing. And she used to call me everyday until this last time.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 She hasn't called me in 3 day until today to tell me about a health issue she had and then said her dad was calling and had to go and would call later. What does this seem like? I still haven't told her yet how I feel about the whole contact thing. And she used to call me everyday until this last time. seems like she has a life to live. don't over analyse everything that happens or doesn't happen. she may have been very busy during those 3 days and didn't have time, you're not in a relationship with her so don't expect relationship like qualities from her. You are supposed to be pushing her away right now anyway so don't sweat it. Also, be aware that dumpers (mainly female dumpers but some guys do it to, sorry ladies) will stay in contact with their dumpee and be all "buddy buddy" with them because it helps them heal faster and easier. not sure if this is what she is doing or not but just be cautious.
Recommended Posts