HLP234 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 So this is following this post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282959/ My fiance left me when I really thought it would work out. All because of family issues and me having to help out my mother and do things for her. She said I wasn't a man and can't make my own decisions that I let my mother tell me what to do. I let her push my relationship away. I got blamed for ditching my gf when I never did, since my mother has been here I still have gotten to see my girl just as much. Only this weekend I needed to pick up my mom from a relatives house and I didn't want to go and spend all weekend there. I argued and fought with my mom and my mom told me I have to go she didn't care how much I said I would just go to pick her up and come back. My mom told me if I don't go to spend the weekend with my family that she will go and make a huge deal in front of my gf's parents and in front of her. I didn't want that, and I had plans with my gf for this weekend. When I told my gf, she said she couldn't do it anymore that she could not handle all this drama and stress and she left. I apologized for everything and all pain I put her through and that I did not mean any of it. That I was just in a situation I couldn't control. I dunno why she left, why she could not understand that I couldn't just tell my mom off and stuff. Afterwards, she called about 8 times last night begging my why I did this to her. I didn't choose to leave, she left me. And when I explained this she said don't put blame on me I didn't do anything wrong. Your family is what brought this. That we were happy before I had to help out my family and she was begging me to stay this weekend but I didn't know what to say when I had told her they want me to go down there this weekend. She kept crying and begging why I had done this to her? She asked me to promise it won't happen again but I was so hurt I didn't know what to say. I told her I didn't want to hurt her and that as long as I had to help out my mom temporarly, that my mom would still expect me to do stuff for her even if I had plans. She told me goodbye then and wished me luck with everything. I'm so devastated. I know once my mom is done getting my help she won't need me constantly andymore. So I will be alone and my gf even also brought this up. I had planned to spend my life with this girl. I don't get why when I needed someone the most they just up and vanished because they didn't like the situation I had been put in. The pain is horrible and I feel as if Im a horrible person.
stray Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Wow, so listen up. Let me tell you something. Real love transcends the "drama" and inconvenience of a crisis. Real love says, "I've got your back". There are going to be instances in life that require much, much more cooperation and understanding from your partner than the one you're experiencing. In one of my relationships (together for 5 years), both of my ex boyfriend's parent's died in the same year; he's an only child. Have you ever seen someone learn the news that their only parent has died? It's pretty narly. And that wasn't the worst part by all means. Then there were terrible legal/financial issues to sort out, and it took years. But you know what? I had his back. You need to be with someone who doesn't flee or get selfish wen sh*t hits the fan. The problem with your ex is she doesn't understand this yet. But YOU understand it. YOU know that being there for your mom is necessary, and it's more important than pleasing "some chick". You have earned my respect. If your ex can't handle taking the silver medal for a couple months than f**k her. Go get a real woman who can handle life's ups and downs. Everyone in life comes to a crossroads; they decide what's important in life and what they need to pursue next. Your ex hasn't gotten there yet. Her house of cards, ridiculous and superficial will crumble down one day and she'll need to decide what's important in life. At that point, she might look back and appreciate the kind of man you are. But she's not going to get there overnight. So don't wait around. Be there for your mom, continue being a good man, and you will find a good woman who has your back.
Author HLP234 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Thank you so much for the advice and support. I try to explain and it gets put on like its her fault and she's the problem. Everyone has been trying to get me to see she is wrong even my mom. I do love her though. I understand she is hurt too but I stuck by her side all I ask is she do the same but she can't understand because she knows she's selfish. She called this morning saying she feels worthless and not wanted. She asked what I'm doing next weekend and if I would spend it with her. I said I want to but my mother may need to see apartments. So she was like well see I don't mean anything you made your choice. Even her family agrees this is a tough situation for me.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I'm sorry you're at this point, though I had a feeling it would come to this, as your ex is extremely selfish and desperately needy. I think you need to implement NC for now to give yourself a chance to heal. What your ex is doing now is classic emotional blackmail and manipulation. "If you love me you would do....xyz". I know this is extremely hard for you to hear right now, but from what I can see from this most recent ex and your previous relationship is a pattern. Maybe you should be single for a while and figure out why you keep attracting the type of women you've fallen for, because if not you'll find yourself with someone that exhibits these same qualities again. If you girlfriend can't be there to support you through family issues and such then she is honestly not the right person for you, no matter how much you love her.
Author HLP234 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I knew it too. She called a ton of times saying she's trying to get back with me if I spend next weekend with her and that I have to tell my mom she got what she wanted and that next weekend I have to be with her if I want it to work. I tried to explain that I dont wanna promise stuff if it won't work because it will hurt her and I don't want that. She days I don't care about her that she means nothing and she's being me and I'm refusing because I won't Stand up for myself. That I'm just gonna listen to what my family is saying so she said forget it I'm not trying anymore. Why do I feel like complete ****? Like nothing I try to explain goes through. It will only work if I follow those conditions. She keeps making it seem like I didn't want her and I runed this. When I say to her how hurt I am she says oh now I'm the bad person ur saying its my fault when she keeps saying she did nothing wrong to me or family.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 You ex girlfriend is what I like to call a responsibility doger. These are the type of people that refused to take responsibility for their decisions and love to blame someone else for the choices they've made. The reason why nothing is getting through to her, is because you ex does not have empathy. She simply does not have the ability to put herself in someone else's shoes to see their point of view. She's seeing things based on how she feels only, and has given no consideration for the considerable strain her demands has placed on you, as well as the fact that you are seriously torn. While she might have some truth to the fact that your family is milking you pretty well right now, and you aren't taking as much responsibility in setting boundaries for yourself in regards to them. The way she is going about things is however extremely hurtful. I see both her and your mom working the emotional manipulation and blackmail on you from both sides, so you are in the middle being squeezed to death. You do need to stand up and set strong boundaries with both your family and your ex, if not what you want and need in this situation will be completely overlooked. I know it's hard right now, but maybe this is honestly for the best, because if she can't support you now and as selfish as she has been, what happens if you two were to have a family and kids of your own that demand time and energy away from her. Everything in the relationship was great as long as you were doing what she wanted.
dicky_fish Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I can relate to this in some way. My girlfriend's dad was in a major car crash the weekend I first met him and I knew straight away that I had to pull my socks up and be there not just for my girlfriend, but her entire family. He survived but he is losing his sight every day and will eventually go totally blind. My girlfriend has now split up with me because "we're not compatible enough". I've just emailed her mum some things to help with coping with what will eventually happen to her husband with a little note saying that I would have been there for them when that time does come. Watch the final episode of Sex and the City where Miranda looks after Steve's mum and the nanny says "that is true love" I loved my girlfriend and her family with all my heart, and was willing to go through the tough times as well as the good. I kinda feel like Ben Afleck's character in "He's Just Not That Into You" right now. I was more of a husband to my girlfriend than she realised.One of her friends has said to me that my ex-girlfriend is so selfish she probably hasn't thought of any of that stuff and that she doesn't deserve a good man like me. I beg to differ on that because I still love her, I just think I deserve better from her.
Author HLP234 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I still love her a lot. She said she does too. She hasty been eating or doing anything healthy. She beggs me to tell my mom to back off because she wants this to work. My mom is just gonna say she is controlling and doesn't respect me. I would like it to work too but I think we both have to change and that is tough. She says I.don't see her point of.view and how I'm hurting her. I feel like there is no way out.
Author HLP234 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I'm sorry you're at this point, though I had a feeling it would come to this, as your ex is extremely selfish and desperately needy. I think you need to implement NC for now to give yourself a chance to heal. What your ex is doing now is classic emotional blackmail and manipulation. "If you love me you would do....xyz". I know this is extremely hard for you to hear right now, but from what I can see from this most recent ex and your previous relationship is a pattern. Maybe you should be single for a while and figure out why you keep attracting the type of women you've fallen for, because if not you'll find yourself with someone that exhibits these same qualities again. If you girlfriend can't be there to support you through family issues and such then she is honestly not the right person for you, no matter how much you love her. I've always wondered that. Why do I find people so insecure? I guess no one can tell in the begining because everything is going great and no one sees how people are until a situation comes up like this. How are we suppose to go about selecting the person in the beginning?
nikkinicole36 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I'm learning that if you really pay attention in the beginning you will learn a lot about the person. The red flags are always there we just ignore them because we really like the person and tell ourselves that we need to give them a chance. Just pay attention and really listen to who the person really is, before you commitment.
Author HLP234 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I have tried to notice that but like you said its tough. The only reason she says she's.acting like this is because she can only see me on weekends and my mom asks from stuff from me and its not fair she.has to be hurt because of that. She wants it to work that's why she's asking me to get my mom to stop this. She also says maybe its better for me to be with someone who can deal with my mom and how I do everything she says. I just know when I'm done helping things will be normal but its like she can't handle it till then.
stray Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Her reasons for demanding so much from you are kind of irrelevant. The reality is, she puts her needs over the urgent needs of your family. What's going to happen, if you end up with this girl, and then one day you get sick, or your job requires you to put in overtime, or your children need extra attention? She'll fold? Do you really want to be with someone like that? The true test of a relationship is how your partner acts when the going gets tough. You can laugh and cuddle with almost anybody. Really, you could convince yourself to fall in love with anybody, if there were always good times. But most people break up when bad times come along. Where one partner has needs out of the ordinary, and the other partner needs to be understanding, patient and supportive. You've done enough for your ex, now it's her turn to step up to the plate. If she won't do that, then dump her, and don't look back.
california15 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Wow, so listen up. Let me tell you something. Real love transcends the "drama" and inconvenience of a crisis. Real love says, "I've got your back". ^^^^ What stray said ^^^^
Author HLP234 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 This all makes sense I just don't know why I can't be angry. I love her and she said today she wants it to work. All I know is it will work but it will take time and she will need to realize that no one can be there 24/7. She changed the relation back to engaged on facebook lol. Then I got text saying why I didn't talk to her yesterday and I told her I was pissed. I dunno why I get so hurt yet still can't day ok we are done like she says. I don't want to and i do love her even though she may not be able to see things from a different view. The thing is I am very comfortable with her, like I never been before with anyone else. She must know what she is thinking is not making sense because she always gets angry when I describe what advice I got here. Also, she is not so good with my mom because she knows my mom thinks she is being difficult and she knows my mom said not nice things about her.
Author HLP234 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 So my parents want me to break up with her. They told me to pick between either my family or her. They are saying that shes not right for me and they wont ever accept her. They got mad because I went to see her today when they thought we broke up. Now my mother is being a complete idiot saying I have to go live with them because she doesn't want me to go and live by myself because she thinks I will just move in with the girl. The girl is being very distant now, she knows my family doesn't like her. So what do I tell her? I had all my plans with her and now they got ruined. I really don't want to live with my mom and the kids. Thats not right I been living by myself for a year now since they werent here. But my mom wants me to do what she wants. My father said the same thing, that if i choose this girl then I will never hear from any of my family again and that they will have nothing to do with me. I understand I did something wrong by not telling them i got engaged and stuff. Her status now on facebook is Single. My parents think she is wrong for telling me to stand up to my mom and family and tell them to back off. I also think that is messed up and she doesn't understand. But what sucks is they know how she acted, she shown herself through me as someone that is selfish and rude/not caring. So thats what they got from her and thats why they want nothing to do with her or me to do anything with her. I dunno how to tell her this. Or why I'm being made to make a choice because i know my parents will then be oh ok he did what we wanted him too, then they will continue to do what they want.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 You girlfriend/ex, or whatever she is called now is right about one thing. You have a serious problem standing up for yourself with your family. While she has been totally selfish in the way she's handled things, unfortunately she was right about that. You just don't have the gumption to stand up for yourself and you passively let others make decisions for you and then you blame it on them. "Well so and so is making me do this, I don't have a choice..." You need to wake up and take a active role in your life and make decisions for yourself. No wonder you wound up with a girl like her, when your family is JUST like her. You sound young, but I'm assuming your over the age of 18. If you are make your own decisions. Maybe you should just dump both. Both your girl and your family and develop a backbone for yourself and live your life instead of being everyone's errand boy.
Author HLP234 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) I never wanted to be at a point where I have an ultimatum on my hands. Its the worst feeling in the world. It is not fair and I told my parents that and all they said was life isn't fair, I shouldn't have started stuff out with her on a bad foot when it came to them. I'm not that young, 24 to be exact. Its just not fair that all this pressure is put on me by everyone. My whole family is like "We all tell you the same thing and you think you are the only one that is right in this situation?" My father just dumped my mother and kids off on me and in the begining said he wanted nothing to do with me after he heard I was engaged. Now because of how my gf was acting while my mom was here, my mother who never had a problem with her, all of a sudden has one, just because my gf acts selfish. Oh and not to mention my parents are old fashioned and not american. They believe in people dating similarly based on education,job, whatever. I feel a little better writing here and having some advice and support from the community here. Its just not right to leave someone because you are being put under pressure. But I know my family and how harsh they are and what they will do in the future and it is horrible. I don't want to loose my family either but I'm made to feel like that is what will happen. I'm told choose what is right. What would you guys pick if you were in the same situation? Edited July 6, 2011 by HLP234
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