jrs_echelon Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Hey everyone, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my post and give me your advise and opinion and I know it will be hard because you don't know my ex girlfriend but I will try my best to tell you about her and our relationship. I want to get her back, she broke up with me on Thursday the 16th of this month, she said that she doesn't have the patience to be with me and that she feels like it will take a lot of effort to be with me because I jump to conclusions too much and she has trouble communicating well later that night and stuff she still wanted me to go to volunteer with her on Saturday, I did and we hung out on Saturday and we talked a little she said that she isn't sure what she wants out of (hanging out with me/getting to know me again) whether to just be friends or if she will want to be with me again, well I WANT her back, and I have read articles that being her friend isn't a good idea because she will eventually just see me as a friend, but some friends and my brother who lost his girlfriend then, wife now left him for his old best friend he bought a relationship book on how to get her back and it said to be her friend and be there for her and it worked for him but I have no idea what to do, whether to not see her and be her friend trying to make her see how it is like without me or to hang out and volunteer with her still because we have for awhile and you have to do a 6 month commitment and end up have it back fire on me or would hanging out with her get her to like me again. I am homeless living with my brother in laws family well she hated it up here it depressed her and so on, well I have a job interview on Tuesday, hoping to get it and get out of here.. I want to try to go see a (couples) counselor and work on the things that I want to change and try to show her I am bettering myself, and then possibly presenting it to her to come too as she has expressed her wanting to see one but how can I get her to see that I am not being so down and not jumping to conclusion anymore.. That I still love her and want to be with her, that I don't just want to be her friend.. I am at a lost at word.. It would have been two years July 24th, and I want her back.. Please let me know if you guys have ANY advise on this it would mean the world to me. Girls advise would be grateful on what you all would do/did during a break up etc etc. But any advise is very grateful. She has called me basically every night still, she text me today asking about fathers day, and still wants to hang out like i said. I dunno why? Is it a good sign or a bad sign? But I enjoy it but it's killing me knowing I can't hold her and kiss her etc.. I need help and advise on what is probably the best solution for me and how I can do what i can to get her back...
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 after my girl dumped me I bought a lot of "get her back" books. none of the books I have gotten ever stated "you should be her friend and be there for her". actually they state the exact opposite. few guidelines you should follow and then I'll give a brief explanation on what pretty much every book I have gotten says. Don't act needy Don't act Desperate Don't act with resentment Do act Independent Do be Strong Do be Patient Do follow through with the plan that you make (meaning don't make a plan then not follow it) here's a somewhat brief overview of the plan the courses I have gotten lay out. you don't have to follow this plan but from your post I feel it is what you asked for. This plan will also help you if you or her decide that breaking up is better for both of you. NO CONTACT: do this for a minimum of 3 weeks, after a break up you need her to miss you. while being her friend and being there for her is nice it also shows her that you will be there whether there is romantic interest on her end or not. 3 weeks (21 days) is the magic number because generally after 3 weeks she will miss you the most. WHILE IN NO CONTACT: you need to analyse what went wrong with the relationship. the best technique that makes this easier, and I'm taking this out of the course I like the most, is to choose ONE thing that you think ended your relationship (there could be a number of things but only pick one, this could be a vague reason to). most relationships fail because of poor communication so I would first take a look at how well your communication was while in the relationship to see if that is the problem. after you have chosen what you believe is the cause of the break up, you can figure out ways in which you could fix or improve on. also doing No Contact will be the hardest part of the plan. you should keep your schedule full of things you enjoy that don't constantly remind you of her (I know this one will be very hard) but whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HER during this time. assuming you have her as a contact in your cell phone, change her name to "has it been 3 weeks yet". seeing this will give you more strength when you do have those sudden break downs and want to contact her. this is also a good time to pick up new hobbies, focus on your current hobbies, build friendships, help the community, get a job/promotion (as you mentioned), and generally work on yourself. I strongly suggest some sort of exercise daily. the exercise will release endorphins into your body and make you feel good. you can also pick up fish oil capsules or flax seed pills at your local pharmacy. I got fish oil caps for like $13, the flax seed pills or fish oil contains Omega 3 fatty acids which also makes you feel good (I suggest exercise AND one of the two pills mentioned). I'm almost positive she will try to contact you during your NC period so follow these guidelines as well. CONTACT DURING NO CONTACT Text/Email: only reply if the message shows direction towards reconciliation, if it just says "what's up" or "what have you been up to", just ignore them. Phone Calls: Ignore All calls, if she has something important to say she will leave a voicemail. if she doesn't leave a voicemail you can ignore the call, if she does leave a voicemail you can treat that like you would a Text/Email. if it shows direction towards reconciliation you may call her back at a later time, if not, just ignore the call. Instant Messenger: Just Ignore all of them, promptly sign off as she sends a message or just let your status go idle (that way you can either say you wasn't at the computer or you didn't see the message pop up before you logged off). if she texts you and it shows some sort of direction towards recon you can reply, as mentioned earlier, but wait 4 to 24 hours before replying. (don't reply in the morning, that just shows that you woke up thinking of her). If she emails you and it shows some sort of direction towards recon you can also reply but with the same rules as above, wait longer for email though and only reply in the late afternoon to evening. (you can also wait a few days to reply to an email) Phone call with a voicemail that shows some sort of direction towards recon, just call her back the next day, keep the call as short as possible. say something along the lines of: "hey sorry I missed your call yesterday I've been really busy". figure out what she wants to say then say "well I gotta get going, it was nice talking to you". every time she contacts you, you need to keep the conversations short and remain very distant from her. she needs to miss you emotionally and physically, by responding to the meaningful contacts she makes with you it shows you still care for her, but you are also closed off with your emotions. (basically she gets little reminders of you when she makes contact but emotionally you aren't there which is the true power of NC in this approach). physically you should not be there until at least 3 weeks. if the occasion comes up and she "bumps" into you somewhere just be civil about it. give a friendly "hi" make small talk (remember don't give away to much, if anything at all) then say "well it was nice talking to you but I really need to get going". AFTER NO CONTACT if she doesn't contact you on day 21 of your NC phase don't worry, give if 2 or 3 days (a week if you'd like). if by then she still hasn't contacted you, you can give her a call and try to schedule a meeting. if she agrees to the meeting make sure YOU pick the time and location (after all, you are the one with the power now). don't pick a potential date location like dinner and a movie. go to a coffee shop or maybe lunch at a small franchise. schedule something after the meeting so you don't "over stay your welcome". don't stay in the meeting for more than 1 hour max, 30 minutes is the recommended time. if the meeting isn't heading towards reconciliation just say "oh sorry to cut this short but I just remembered I need to be somewhere". (she should be the one to suggest getting back together NOT YOU). if the meeting is going well you can stay for more than 30 minutes but NEVER MORE THAN 1 HOUR, that is why you schedule something directly after the meeting and you need to keep her wanting more of you. after the meeting you can go back to NC like you was doing before, give it a week or two so she can contact you and most likely suggest that you two get together again for another meeting, or a date if she really missed you/wants you back already. if she doesn't you can repeat the process of setting up a meeting. IF YOU REPEAT THE PROCESS MULTIPLE TIMES AND YOU STILL AREN'T GETTING ANYWHERE: go NC for another 3 weeks and try again. if you do all of this, you have done everything possible that doesn't involve manipulation of her to get her back. if she still doesn't want to reconcile after this you make the choice to either keep trying to get her back, or you can move on with your life. I do not advise manipulation to get her back or harassing her. STEPS: STEP 1: Go No Contact STEP 2: Analyse the Flaws STEP 3: Work On Those Flaws and Work On Yourself STEP 4: Set Up A Meeting STEP 5: Go To The Meeting STEP 6: You are either on your way to Reconcile, Or You are cutting your loses and moving on. I know this course doesn't describe No Contact like other LoveShackers describe it, but this book is for getting your ex back and generally us LoveShackers are more for cutting our loses and moving forward. She has called me basically every night still, she text me today asking about fathers day, and still wants to hang out like i said. I dunno why? Is it a good sign or a bad sign?Very Good Sign, it shows she doesn't want to lose you. by doing NC it will really take a toll on her and make her miss you more. Long post sorry, if you survive reading it all and take an interest or have any questions just post them in this thread and I'll do my best to answer them.
stray Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 To be perfectly honest, to get her back, you're gonna need to make more changes than just going NC. You need a job and you need to ger your own place/room/etc. Thus, you need a job that will pay you enough to no longer be homeless. If you get paid minimum wage, and work full time, you can get a studio apartment. I know many renters who pull that off here in LA, and LA is one of the most expensive places to rent in the nation. So if you really wanted to get up off your a*s and work full time, get your own place, I'm positve you could do it wherever you live. You need to ask yourself what you want to do in life. What do you want out of this life? Girls aren't into guys that have no direction or aspirations. Maybe you should consider going back to school. If you do drugs or drink excessively, then quit, and start going to NA or AA. Girls don't like guys who drink and do drugs, no matter how "bad boy" a guy thinks it makes him look. Deep down, girls think it's gross. Ciggs too. Do you live a physically healthy lifestyle? Do you take care of your body? Do you have a regular sleep schedule? Take care of your insides and your outsides; it's all you have. These are just a few suggestions. But if you actually follow them, you'll see a big difference.
california15 Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Focus on yourself during Heart's suggestion of 3 weeks (or however loong) NC You have to be your own person before you can be a person for someone else.
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