3 months NC... he contacts me

[flow15]

(I posted in the coping forum but i think this forum gets viewed more so may get more replies here)

Anyway....Its been a while since I've posted here, but just needed a little bit of advice although I think I know the answer.

 

To keep a long story short, my ex was a bastard to me. Broke up with me last may, except strung me along until january this year (asking for me back and then breaking up with me, again and again).

 

I was a total mess that whole time. I decided to go NC in january, he contacted me once 3 months ago when he sent me a song called 'one last chance'.. obviously making me believe he wanted another chance (i had already given him like 3), he then told me the song meant nothing. So I had a massive go at him in an email. I went NC again with no intention of contacting him again, and not expecting to hear back from him as he couldnt admit he did anything wrong, nor did he apologise for hurting me so much.

 

Now all of a sudden after 3 months NC, after I had a massive go at him in that email which he couldnt respond to saying sorry, instead he called me crazy...

he has now contacted me saying this (we were both online on IM):

 

hey

 

--and then 15 mins later when i didnt reply:

 

just wanted to talk to you, to see how you are,

i understand that u might not want to speak to me

hope everything is fine

take care

 

 

 

I'm guessing you'll all say its bread crumbs, he just wants to see if I'll still talk to him, or to see if im still pining for him..

 

I'm still angry at him, for everything he did, only because he could never man up and admit he did wrong and apologise. If he did that, then i could chat with him, as he was an important part of my life. So i havent said anything as i just dont know what to say. I think its probably best to ignore. If he wants to talk to me so bad he can apologise. But i know i cant say that to him...

 

What do u guys think?

 

Thanks

[Ajax]

I think you're right about it being breadcrumbs. I think you're better off letting it go.

[batsheba]

do not break NC. specially after the song and all that drama, that he said it meant nothing.

specially i think you have gone as much as having the will NOT TO REPLY.

 

if a man breaks up with you again and again and again, when will you realize that you just cannot trust him with your future? arent you scared at the back of your head that if and when you guys get back together again, you will eventually lose him if he isnt in the mood? this man sounds very much like my ex. then i got fed up. you get tired of it at one point.

[flow15]

I havent replied, but if i was to reply and just be carefree and not ask him any questions... will it boost his ego? will it show im still pining for him?

[Mack05]

Flow I know you hurting but why do you need an apology from someone like that? Forgive him, let him go for good and move on with your life. Stay NC, breaking it doesn't help you. The guy hurt you and seemingly has shown no real remorse, which means you owe him nothing..

[flow15]

I am just curious to see why he contacted? what if hes realized what hes lost and is contacting for that reason??

[Mack05]

I am just curious to see why he contacted? what if hes realized what hes lost and is contacting for that reason??

 

who cares! I contacted an old ex of mine recently to apologise for a few things. Doesn't mean I want to get back with her. Why would you want to go back to a guy who treated you so horribly!??. If someone dumps you once and you get back together, maybe with some work/understanding/patience the relationship can be salvaged. If they dump you more then once, then to want them back is crazy. Have can ever feel safe/secure if someone has dumped you 4 or 5 times?When someone dumps you that many times, they don't want you believe me. You deserve a man that treats you right. You deserve a happy healthy, loving relationship. No one should accept second best.

 

Wash yourself of this guy and never look back..

[JasonRules]

To keep a long story short, my ex was a bastard to me. Broke up with me last may, except strung me along until january this year (asking for me back and then breaking up with me, again and again).

 

 

Flow,

 

Do you know what the definition of "insanity" is? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results each time.

 

If he's able to make up and break up with you ad hoc and with impunity, then you've become nothing more than a door mat. Aren't you tired of being a door mat?

[flow15]

But what if his reason for ending it was that he felt too young to be in a relationship, and couldnt be in one...but said to me he wishes he had met me when he was older when he could handle being in a relationship.

 

What if he has grown up and realized what an idiot he was, or if he at least wants to apologise i want to hear it. I wasnt perfect in the relationship either, and the reason why the second chance didnt work is because i was soo clingy and needy as i was still hurting, it put him completely off me. But what if after all this time I've worked on myself and if we tried again ti would be a completely different relationship.

 

I just want to know what he has to say, whether its just to say how r u, ill walk away, or if its to apologise at least it will be help to move on, or if he wants to keep lines of communication open as he realises he doesnt want to lose me....

 

I just find it so hard to ignore this

[flow15]

Flow,

 

Do you know what the definition of "insanity" is? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results each time.

 

If he's able to make up and break up with you ad hoc and with impunity, then you've become nothing more than a door mat. Aren't you tired of being a door mat?

 

I completely understand this, but I thought this time would be different as its practically been 5 months NC the longest we've ever gone without seeing eachother or talking..... And I'm not saying I would take him back right away if that is what he wanted... I just want to know why he contacted me

[Mack05]

I completely understand this, but I thought this time would be different as its practically been 5 months NC the longest we've ever gone without seeing eachother or talking..... And I'm not saying I would take him back right away if that is what he wanted... I just want to know why he contacted me

 

Flow it's rare a leopard changes his spots...Even if he has changed too much has happened for the relationship to realistically be a success. The odds of people making a relationship work after a decent length break up are slim. You just don't suddenly become compatile no matter how many positive changes were made by both parties involved. People kid themselves that "He has changed" or "If we get over these problems we will be great again". Nonsense.

 

But sometimes people will not listen to sense, they just see and listen to what they want to hear/see and ignore the obvious facts. The obvious facts here are 1) This man is not good for you and 2) Who cares why he contacted you. For one reason or another you are not compatible with this man..Why do people yearn and long for people that treated them like crap!? It baffles me..

 

You can either stay in No contact and get on with your life and meet a guy who deserves your love or you can break no contact and get your heart broken from this clown (in one way or another) again..Up to you...

[JasonRules]

Flow,

 

 

Do you know why people don't let go? They are afraid. They are afraid of the unknown and they are pessimistic. They believe they will never feel the way they did about anyone else and would rather try to force the issue with someone else instead of just letting it go and finding someone else.

[mtd4249]

Flow,

I've read your replies in this thread and the one under Coping, and a couple of questions came to mind --- do you want to break NC to find out what he wants to say so you can get final closure? Or, deep down are you wanting to break NC because you're hoping he has changed his mind so you can take him back? If it's to get closure then MAYBE there's a legitmate reason but it may reopen wounds that haven't properly healed. If it's in the hope he changed his mind, then I'd suggest stay NC and put the curiosity of what he wants to the back of your mind. This guy had his chances and made his decisions ... he didn't think about you when making those choices, so now you need to think about what's best for you.

[flow15]

A part of me wants to see if he has contacted to apologise, and then at least I'll know that I havent spent nearly 2 years of my life in love with a complete b******, and that I can look back on the relationship with fond memories rather than looking back at it in pain as if it was a bad thing. Who knows, then if we're on good terms anything can happen in the future....

 

 

Another part of me, wants to know if hes contacted me because he still loves me or wants me back, because again then I'll know what we had was real and my reason for not being able to forget him is real. The fact if this is true and whether I would take him back or not is a different matter... If he seriously saw where he went wrong and begged for my forgiveness and proved himself to me and worked hard to regain my trust, then maybe I could try things out with again... but if not it would never work as the trust has completely dissappeared. Which is where we went wrong the last time as he didnt prove he wanted it enough which made me feel insecure and unhappy...which in turn pushed him away.

[flow15]

I think what I wanted to know more than anything from you guys is what could his reasons be for contacting.. and if I replied with a simple 'I've been good thanks' and not ask him anything, see what his reaction would be (whether he apologises, or says hes been an idiot and wants me back-- high unlikely, or just has a general chat) , would it boost his ego or show I'm still pining for him.

[geegirl]

If he wanted to apologize he would say, "Flow, I want to apologize for..." If someone cannot acknowledge or have enough self-awareness to connect the dots, and all the time projecting blame on you, this should be a huge red flag and one you should be running away from and not wanting to find out whys and whats.

 

So you acknowldege your ex was a bastard to you, broke up with you several times and I am sure that several times you went back to him, you bought into his story of wanting to work it out and wanting to regain your trust. So you would buy into the same story again this time and go back to 1) someone you say was a bastard to you adn he'll be a bastard again because that is who he is. 2) someone who's broken up with you numerous times and he will do it again 3) someone who will not take accountability for any of his actions, and will at some point project everything on you.

 

You know the definition of insanity -- repeating the same behaviors and expecting different results...well you can give him chance #4. Chances are, you'll be back here again asking if you should give him chance #5.

 

I understand wanting so badly to know whether it was not all for naught but what did you have to begin with. Someone who treated you badly and dumped you over and over again. The only thing you need to know is that you gave it your all, you were sincere and that you were 100% true to him and now that it hasn't worked for the 3rd time, it's time for you to move on and start focusing on what you want for the future, which is a healthy partner and relationship.

[AlisaMarie]

I think what I wanted to know more than anything from you guys is what could his reasons be for contacting.. and if I replied with a simple 'I've been good thanks' and not ask him anything, see what his reaction would be (whether he apologises, or says hes been an idiot and wants me back-- high unlikely, or just has a general chat) , would it boost his ego or show I'm still pining for him.

 

It's none of his business how you are. Move on. If he wants you back for real he would move mountains to show you... but then probably still be an a**hole after so guard up. He's just another person. You expressed how mean he was and seriously, your flaws were that you were clingy and needy? Maybe you're really not but just trying to change this person to something he is not... trying too hard to get his attention.

 

Move on, in your next relationship take the claws out... and do NOT ignore red flags.

[geegirl]

Breadcrumbs. Could be several reasons. Bored. Looking for attention. Wondering if he can start something up with you and hopefully get some nookie. Curious as to what's going on with you. Maybe he'll be lucky because 3 months have gone by and Flow has probably forgotten and forgiven and maybe I can start all over again with her since she likes to keep taking me back. Who knows.

 

Even if he had the most wonderful intentions in the world, how long do you think it will last before he dumps you again. This is his pattern.

 

It's not about boosting his ego or you pining. You should be disengaging from someone who has the ability to give you a mind f*** with a simple text. You're clearly still emotional about this man so do not engage. Do not respond.

 

And even if you get an apology, understand that it could be a ploy to soften you up because if he couldn't do it then, the numerous times he dumped you, make sure you identify why he is doing it now. An apology from someone who treats you badly, means nothing.

[flow15]

Thanks a lot for the helpful, insightful responses!

 

To be honest.. even if he wanted me back I don't know if I could take him back, like you say, he most probably would end it again.

It would just be nice to hear him say it, although I don't know what good it would do... I think because I was rejected by him a number of times, I just feel that I need to know theres nothing wrong with me!

 

At the same time, I truly miss him, and if he asked for my forgiveness like I said before, I could forget about all the s*** and look back with fond memories as I do care about him deeply. I am a very sensitive person and often wonder if I've been too harsh on him, in the fact that maybe he wasn't as bad as I make him out to be, and as I've also said I wasn't perfect either.

 

I don't know if there is any wrong or right answer, I guess I just have to wait and see if he contacts again. maybe then I will reply....

[Mack05]

Flow if you reply your going back down that dark lonely road. Because he dumped you 3 or 4 times, your not sure if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, except maybe lack of overall self belief and self esteem. You don't need a approval from a guy like him. Instead of focusing what you might do if he contacts you again, why not focus on yourself and your needs and kick this ^*^%%&%& into touch once and for all....I will say it once, I will say it again it baffles me why you would consider even talking to this guy ever again. It has to be a self esteem problem. Work on that, not on a relationship that has very little chance of future..

[usabup]

(I posted in the coping forum but i think this forum gets viewed more so may get more replies here)

Anyway....Its been a while since I've posted here, but just needed a little bit of advice although I think I know the answer.

 

To keep a long story short, my ex was a bastard to me. Broke up with me last may, except strung me along until january this year (asking for me back and then breaking up with me, again and again).

 

I was a total mess that whole time. I decided to go NC in january, he contacted me once 3 months ago when he sent me a song called 'one last chance'.. obviously making me believe he wanted another chance (i had already given him like 3), he then told me the song meant nothing. So I had a massive go at him in an email. I went NC again with no intention of contacting him again, and not expecting to hear back from him as he couldnt admit he did anything wrong, nor did he apologise for hurting me so much.

 

Now all of a sudden after 3 months NC, after I had a massive go at him in that email which he couldnt respond to saying sorry, instead he called me crazy...

he has now contacted me saying this (we were both online on IM):

 

hey

 

--and then 15 mins later when i didnt reply:

 

just wanted to talk to you, to see how you are,

i understand that u might not want to speak to me

hope everything is fine

take care

 

 

 

I'm guessing you'll all say its bread crumbs, he just wants to see if I'll still talk to him, or to see if im still pining for him..

 

I'm still angry at him, for everything he did, only because he could never man up and admit he did wrong and apologise. If he did that, then i could chat with him, as he was an important part of my life. So i havent said anything as i just dont know what to say. I think its probably best to ignore. If he wants to talk to me so bad he can apologise. But i know i cant say that to him...

 

What do u guys think?

 

Thanks

 

Hey!

 

Yeah its his way of trying to reach out to you. He is probably too stubbon to apologise right out. I don't know him or his personality obviously, but that's usually the way it works.

 

Again, as I have said in previous threads, its up to you what you do from here. If you stay NC, the chances are he will probably try again at some point. Or, he could see your silence as you not caring anymore. You have to ask yourself, is that the impression you want to give?

 

I very much doubt he is going to just come out and apologise, there is going to have to be a bit of conversation between you both first before that happens.

 

Honestly, I think NC is complete BS. Seriously, I think people should talk to resolve their differences instead of ignoring each other. In my opinion, NC should only be used if there is 100% no chance of you ever getting back together and you need to heel. If there is a part of you that wants him back, I'd reply to him in a friendly way. Because if you don't and he moves on completely, you will look back one day and think "what if I had just replied to him that time" And all that leaves you with is regret, which is worse then heartbreak!

[flow15]

Flow if you reply your going back down that dark lonely road. Because he dumped you 3 or 4 times, your not sure if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, except maybe lack of overall self belief and self esteem. You don't need a approval from a guy like him. Instead of focusing what you might do if he contacts you again, why not focus on yourself and your needs and kick this ^*^%%&%& into touch once and for all....I will say it once, I will say it again it baffles me why you would consider even talking to this guy ever again. It has to be a self esteem problem. Work on that, not on a relationship that has very little chance of future..

 

I know I may seem crazy to someone from outside, but he's the only guy who has ever made an impact on me. When we were together and happy, he truly was amazing to me....seems crazy to think now. I know him and i know hes a good person deep down, he was just young and I guess too immature at the time to handle a relationship. I've said it before, I wasn't perfect either and made all the classic mistakes that make men run from a relationship. After 5 months I still love him and think about him constantly, so you can see I find it hard to ignore him.

 

However I agree with you, after him breaking up with me numerous of times, it has lowered my self esteem, and I guess I do have to work on that.

[geegirl]

Honestly, I think NC is complete BS. Seriously, I think people should talk to resolve their differences instead of ignoring each other. In my opinion, NC should only be used if there is 100% no chance of you ever getting back together and you need to heel. If there is a part of you that wants him back, I'd reply to him in a friendly way. Because if you don't and he moves on completely, you will look back one day and think "what if I had just replied to him that time" And all that leaves you with is regret, which is worse then heartbreak!

 

Yes, you should always talk and resolve differences when there is a chance of you getting back together in a healthy relationship. When it is between two people who are emotionally and mentally available to work things out. I agree 100%.

 

But you're recommending breaking NC with someone who she claims to have been a bastard to her, has broken up with her several times, projects and shifts blame and is now about to be given a 4th chance at lather, rinse, repeat.

 

If someone wants to go back to get burned the 4th time around after learning that the 3rd time wasn't hot enough, then they have no one else to blame but themselves.

 

She shouldn't be breaking NC because at this point it's not about chances or salvaging anymore, as there is nothing to salvage but it's about Flow working on healing and taking care of herself and realizing this is a toxic situation/person.

[flow15]

Hey!

 

Yeah its his way of trying to reach out to you. He is probably too stubbon to apologise right out. I don't know him or his personality obviously, but that's usually the way it works.

 

Again, as I have said in previous threads, its up to you what you do from here. If you stay NC, the chances are he will probably try again at some point. Or, he could see your silence as you not caring anymore. You have to ask yourself, is that the impression you want to give?

 

I very much doubt he is going to just come out and apologise, there is going to have to be a bit of conversation between you both first before that happens.

 

Honestly, I think NC is complete BS. Seriously, I think people should talk to resolve their differences instead of ignoring each other. In my opinion, NC should only be used if there is 100% no chance of you ever getting back together and you need to heel. If there is a part of you that wants him back, I'd reply to him in a friendly way. Because if you don't and he moves on completely, you will look back one day and think "what if I had just replied to him that time" And all that leaves you with is regret, which is worse then heartbreak!

 

Thanks for replying usabup! You're the only person to give this opinion, if more people agreed with you I would be inclined to contact him. However, I agree that he is very stubborn and I know that if he wanted me back he would never come out straight away and say it, as his ego is too big and he would be scared of rejection.

 

That being said, I'm scared that if I reply I will just be boosting his ego, that he'll think I'm still there whenever he feels like getting in contact, and he will walk away again. However there is the chance that this isnt true, that he has been thinking about contacting me for a while but was too scared to. He obviously knows he did wrong as in the message he said, I understand that you might not want to speak with me, but if I reply it might validate everything he did.....

what you think??

[Mack05]

That's a big problem in life Flow. People get scared (lack courage) because they don't believe they will have a connection like they did with their ex or they don't believe that there is someone else out there that will 'get them' like their ex did. Those are not reasons to go back to your ex, indeed many relationships fail because people take the safe easy way out and realise years later it was a mistake to go backwards.I know because I was one of those people...It's amazing you can make excuses for this guy, then again I had the same thought process with my ex. She is a good person blah blah blah.

 

Still not enough of a reason to ever go back there. Relationships need alot more then love or a special connection to last long term. What about honesty, sincerity, loyalty, trust, respect, compassion? Do you really think this guy has those qualities in the way he treated you!?. Seems to me your about to learn a very harsh lesson in life. I wish in my life I heeded warnings from friends and family..Might not have made a mess of things a few years back...It's your choice Flow but methinks you are about to make the wrong one. I hope you prove me wrong and get happily married with 4 kids and a big house. I just don't see how it can work after reading your story. I wish you well Flow

Edited June 27, 2011 by Mack05