HLP234 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hey people, been a while since I have been back here. Well I have been dating someone for a while now and we are engaged. She is an awesome/sweet girl and is very caring in everyway. We get along great and never had a fight. Well the problem now is she is telling me she feels too attached to me. I don't understand this. I am always there for her when she needs me, I'd do anything because I love the girl so much. She's been through a rough time with a tragic accident and stuff and when her friends left her alone I was the only one to be there for her. We are planning on moving in together pretty soon. Only thing is my parents are getting a divorce and my family is splitting. My mother and siblings decided to move back to my area. My mom has always been the stay at home type. She's coming back with nothing and no one to help her out, but me. I have to find her a place soon, a car, get my bro and sis registered in a school, etc. My fiance thinks that its not going to end well between us because of this matter. She thinks she won't see me anymore because I will have to take care of my family. That isn't true and no matter what I have said she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm afraid she may just want to break up. It really bothers me because I gave everything for her and made her the happiest girl (her words actually). We are used to spending weekends together but now she thinks it won't be the same since my family will temperaly stay at my place until I can get them established. I understand she is upset and cried a lot and I feel really bad. But I didn't ask to be put in a situation where I have to help out my mom and everything. I am not against that at all. We have a great relationship my fiance and I, and I don't want to loose that. There will be times where I may not be able to go and see her exactly like she was used to. At least not until I figure out the whole situation. I'm just afraid she may leave because of this. I dunno how to go about it. I literally gave everything and every bit of myself to her, even though I had promised myself I would not do that because of what happened between and ex and me before this relationship. So now I'm just depressed and upset, and I feel like I'm gonna loose something that means the world to me. What is some advice I should consider?
LjHappyDays Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hi, I dont think she will leave you, your family is the most important thing is this relationship, tell eher you want her to help with your family, and you need her suppoort too. Of course you will see her, i think maybe if you are always together she may feel insecure at not seeing you/being with you as much, reassure her but also let her no you need reassurance too. This isnt the end its just a complication which is easily solved if you both sit down and chat about it rationally.
Author HLP234 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you for the reply. We've talked about it and I have re assured her I will still have time for her. She just doesn't think it will be the same. I will do my best to make everyone happy. She doesn't seem to want to think positive about it because she knows I'm really nice and do everything for everyone. It's going to be hard after work to drive my family around every day but the sooner I can help them settle in the sooner everything can be back to normal. I'd just be very hurt if this didn't end well.
LjHappyDays Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Exactly, things may change but your still going to be a couple and dont let one minor change affect your major relationship
Author HLP234 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I guess what I worry about is her telling me she doesnt want to continue. She hasnt talked to me.since we discussed this which means she's really upset.
LjHappyDays Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well dont worry becos when you are in a loving relationship you have to sometimes compensate. Tell her you need her re assurance and she isnt going to be left out. Maybe she doesnt want to feel left out?
nikkinicole36 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I think your instinct is tell you something really strong. Really what it sounds like is at play here is her own insecurities from within herself. You have a right to be worried because from what you're posting it sounds like she just might let her insecurities get the best of her. You can't please everyone and make everyone happy. So either she is really insecure because she is fearing abandonment or she is looking for a way out. It seems like you have done everything you can to try to set her at ease, but unfortunately you cannnot fix her own insecurity.
Author HLP234 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I think it is the securities because I know she loves me and I do love her buy I don't think she.is looking for a way out. She always talks about how she would be miserable without me. I've been trying to make her feel better but she hasn't been doing any better. I understand she is sad and all but I'm usually pretty good about making her feel alright again. I don't have many choices and I guess I have to wait and see what happens.
Author HLP234 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Just an update: We barely talked yesterday. I was acting normal trying to see what she was up to or how she was, she was just replying in 2 to 3 words. Then it got to me and I said something like well I'll let you be if you don't want to be bothered. No matter how much I said or tried, she basically said that she understands my family needs the help and she is being selfish but she doesn't want to be on the backburner for months. Because I guess she thinks it will take a while to help family get settled in. I really didn't know what to say to that, I was hurt. I just don't understand, I was there for her from the begining all through out her car accident and all and now she doesn't seem to want to wait a little bit while I help out my mom who has no where to go. Why does it feel like its always the same thing/situation with me?
LjHappyDays Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 you need to get her told. Tell her its your family and you love them as much as you love her, and you are helping them out and if she cant face it then tell her you want a gf who will support you. She may be insecure yes but by what u have said you have told her this many times. See how she reacts to flowers and you saying 'either your coming with me and my family on this journey or your leaving me ? i need your support and i no i can count on you' Try something like that. Then if she still says no then just say ok thanks anyway. May be harsh but sometimes you gotta get your point across dude.
wilsonx Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 you need to get her told. See how she reacts to flowers and you saying 'either your coming with me and my family on this journey or your leaving me ? i need your support and i no i can count on you' This is an ultimatum is it not? This is bad Say something along the lines of I would really appreciate your help on this, I want you apart of my family's life and my life and this is very important to me
Author HLP234 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Yeh that is an ultimatum. I've said to her that I need her right now because I didn't leave her when.she was hurt. I could have said oh its gonna take a while for you to heal I can't do this but I didn't. I was depressed and I stuck with it. I basically told her we can work through it and she doesn't think it will work. So then she asked if we were broken up cuz I said well I understand how you feel about her waiting a long time. She barely communicates with me so its hard to get exactly what she wants out. I don't wanna go through more stress than I'm already having. So I'd rather know if she wants leave or not. I try as much as I can to make her feel better and she just doesn't realize I guess how much I also care. I feel like if i say we should end it then I get blamed for it. Because I have not gotten from her the reassurance that she will be positive. I asked to go see her and she didn't even say anything. Mind you my mother and kids only been here one day and I haven't been busy with them yet. Edited June 17, 2011 by HLP234
LjHappyDays Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Maybe it is an ultimatum, but sometimes you need to tell your ex these things otherwsie they will give you false hope that they may come back to you.... My View anyway Obviously maybe say it less bluntly im not sure... is she going through stress with her family at all or exams or anything?
Author HLP234 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 No she isn't stressed about anything else other than thinking my family will take all my time from her. She calls herself selfish and afraid she will get hurt if we keep going since she doesn't believe our relationship will be the same. We almost broke up today she told me to go get my rings back and stuff but I talked to her and said what she is doing makes no sense at all. Why should we end it just cuz you may not see me all the time like you used to. Then when I'm finished helping my family what happens? She was saying we would figure it then. But like you said it would be false hope. So we didn't break up but she still said she will be upset and that she's sorry. I dunno what to do any more at all.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) She is right about one thing for sure: She IS being selfish. This is incredibly hurtful to you, she at this points knows that, but she's still more concerned about how she feels in this situation. You supported her through her car accident, and not that she owes you anything, but the fact that she can't support you through something that in the grand scheme of your relationship is insignificant, does not bode well for your future. She can't expect a person to cater to her every need for closeness in a relationship. Not to sound harsh, but she could clearly use some counseling for her abondonment issues, because right now she's being a bit ridiculous in her fantasy expectations. This is part of the reason why I said earlier that it sounded like she was looking for a way out. Most people with these type of issues, bail when the relationship is no longer perfectly meeting their expectations. You can't be everything at all times to her. From your posts it sounds like you've been doing a lot of rescuing with her as it is. That's not exactly healthy for her or for you, because it set you in a trap that now if you don't continue she's going to bail on you. You two should not even be having a disagreement over this. As your girl she should be able to support you when you are going through a family crisis. The worst part is she's not even willing to compromise and meet you halfway. This is so not good. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but now it is best you prepare yourself for what could possible be an impending breakup. I'm sorry. Edited June 17, 2011 by nikkinicole36
Author HLP234 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Yeh that's what it feels like, we prolly will end up breaking up. My parents never met her and she feels like they don't like her because they are old fashioned and they are upset we got engaged without them meeting her. Yesterday we were suppose to hang out, because my family wanted to spend the night at one of their friends houses. It turned out when we got there that they didn't want to sleep over so when I told her that she may not be able to spend the night with me since my family wasn't staying at their friends, she got really upset and told me to come get my stuff and that I shouldn't make plans with her if i can't keep them. I only made plans because thats what I thought my family was gonna do, didn't know they would change their mind. Then my mother found out that I was really upset and almost crying and she heard that my gf told me not to go over there and see her, my mom got really upset and now she thinks the girl is a complete bitch for acting like that. It is a complicated mess, we haven't broken up and I'm suppose to see her tonite but my mom doesn't want to stay by herself in the apartment and I don't want to sit and argue with my mom all day and do nothing here anyway. I never expected such a mess.
Author HLP234 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Now its more the fact that I made plans and can't keep them because unexpected things happen with my siblings and such where I need to do something for them first before going to hang out with her. So now I'm getting told that if I don't show up or do something in favor of my mom then its over. Well, I don't want it to be over and I try to explain but all I get is your just taking their side, your letting them use you and your 20+ years old and can't stand up for us. My parents are not from this culture and she knows that. They are the type that expect the kids to help out or take care of things when stuff goes bad. Today seemed a little better we were good but I was told once again that if I let her down or make plans and can't follow up that it is not fair how she is being treated and she wants to be done. She expected our relationship to continue the same way as before my family got here which she knew from begining it wasn't gonna be that way. That is why she tried breaking up before they even got here. Even her family told her she should stay away from me at this time and that hurt me too hearing that. When at the same time her siblings were telling me they feel bad my parents are putting me through this and that she loves me she won't leave she is just upset. So its tough and I don't know how to fix things right now. I guess the sooner I can get my family settled somewhere or at least get them a car to get around so they dont need me as much, then things may get better. We are suppose to move in soon too so if this ends bad I need to figure out by myself where I will go because I have been waiting for her to turn in papers and pick a place we both like.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Even once your family get settled, you still have a huge issue here with her. I'm not sure if you can really see that or not, because I know you feelings are probably clouding the situation. You are dealing with someone who is incredibly selfish. Whether it's your family or not, it will always be something that will come up that she's not going to be happy about and give you an ultimatum over. You can't live waiting for the other shoe to drop every time you do something that makes her upset. That's not a relationship or love. That's somoene wanting to control another person.
Chi townD Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Dude, you got some problems there. She's delusional if she thinks that nothing ever changes. Everything changes, it's a question of if you can recongize those changes yet still be each others constant. The reason why you've been noticing the one to two word response is that she's distancing herself from you. Get used to you not being around so when the break up does happen, it won't be so painful. This girl has a lot of growing up to do.
Author HLP234 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 The scary thing is i realize this. But I really think at the same time it could be worked out. I've told her that it can be worked out but I can't say well I guess it wont work if you don't want to work it out because then all the blame gets turned around on me. She even said I know you were there for me but these are two different situations and your parents are not understanding that I'm hurt by them and stuff like that. She asked me to come over today and said she wants to spend the weekend with me. I want to as well but who knows what my mom and siblings have planned. They always need me to do something. I wish my mom would not be so afraid to stay by herself in my apartment. If this was not the case, I would be able to see her during weekends and I have been this past weekend with her, not all the days but she was really happy I was there and did everything she has been doing for me like making me food, cleaning my stuff, watching movies together, etc. It was like she forgot about the whole situation. During the week I work so I don't see her because its late and my family needs to go somewhere every damn day. But when she doesn't get to see me she gets depressed, cries, doesn't eat, everything. I feel horrible and I'm so stressed I don't know how I will deal with everything. Its also been taking a huge toll on me which she knows but doesn't realize that her doing this is making it worse. Yes she feels horrible about the situation we are in but imagine how I feel when I have to deal with my family constantly needing me, its like they are oblivious to everything. My dad used to do everything now I feel like I am the dad. So I hurt so much from dealing with them in my face everyday and with the fact that the girl I love so much will just vanish.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 It sounds like you are going to have to set some pretty clear boundaries with your family and with your girlfriend. What you doing right now with both of them is classic caretaking, which is honestly codepedency at it's best (worse). You are too busy trying to make everyone in this situation happy that you're miserable. How about you focus on what you want. Your mom is the parent. You can't emotionally take care of her. Honestly too it seems like your girlfriend has a lot of the characteristics of your mom in the sense that she needs someone to care for her constantly. If you're not in counseling right now, now would be a good time to look into it. You have way too many expectations placed on you at this moment.
Author HLP234 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Yeh my family wants me to just do everything for them and be there all the time. My mom doesn't want to stay alone in the apartment. Yet my little bro and sis can go and sleep at their friends when ever they want. Yet I can't go and be with my gf because she doesn't want to stay by herself. I never thought about counseling, I don't even know where to go for that or if I have the money for it. I hung out with my gf today, she was so happy to see me. I was as well and we went out and had a good time. But she asked that she spends this weekend with me and I said I would but then again I don't know what may happen. The kids can make any plans they want and I have to drive them around all the time, doesn't seem fair that I can't do what I want. My mother isn't american so she expects I be there all the time to help out. I just can't make plans with her for sure until I know what is going on and she does not get that. Even her dad said she should not be upset because she doesn't understand and she gets this way when she can't get what she wants. He said if she decides to leave at least he will have my side. I hate being made to feel like I am ditching her which is what she says I do. I don't understand how it is ditching someone. Its not like I'm going out with buddies or hanging out with other people. I don't want to stay home or do stuff for my family all the time, I have no choice.
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