latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hello to all I have some issues without anyone to really talk to and I need to ask for help. I met my ex 4 years ago, we hit off instantly she was everything I had ever hoped for except i wasn't looking for her...because I had another girl pregnant. Now my child's mother and I were never really that close, we hooked up fresh out of heartbreaks and it is what it was. Long story short I told this new woman about my situation and she accepted the fact that I had another woman pregnant, she was unbelievable. Now before I continue, let me assure all you trolls that I'm not your average internet douchebag. I believe myself to be rather attractive, fit,(never really had too much of a problem meeting women) and this girl doesn't already have 3 kids looking for someone to fulfill her loneliness and lack of child support. No disrespect, but that is what most would assume granted she would stay with me during a pregnancy. Anyway, we hit it off big time. She worked where i did and the chemistry was undeniable. We fell in love HARD, which was difficult for me because I had a child on the way with another woman. She insisted she didn't care as long as I was true and honest with her. This woman was absolutely amazing, extremely beautiful, I mean she could walk into a place and have any guy she wanted but she choose me regardless of everything I had going on. As time went by i grew more and more confused as to where i should be. the baby was born and i started to neglect her. I was trying to be and please 2 different people at the same time. My neglect and the way i treated her caused her to break it off after a year. I never showed her how much i cared, started to withdrawal from her feelings and emotions and pretty much just let her hung out to dry.So when she left I was devestaded. I mean bad, I'm 32 now and would like to think I've a pretty good handle on life but it's evident i dont. She was so heartbroken she moved back to Kansas (we're in ohio) to get away from everything she felt. i'd lost her forever and i was mortified. I was a teenager, or so you would think. Calling hysterically, emails, you know the typical scumbag bull****. She would have nothing to do with it, nothing. Eventually, after about a year, i stopped feeling pain but thought about her every day. Every day, for 3 years. Literally every day i thought how I'd let the love of my life slip through my fingers. Until Feb. 2011. I happen to run into her out of nowhere. she had moved back to Ohio, gotten married and divorced all in 3 years. I was super nervous but i maintained myself. AS you would imagine, we ended getting back together and it was just like we picked up where we left off. So in love, she said she forgived me, and thought about me every day as well. Said her marriage was a mistake, out of loneliness and hope rather than love. I promised myself I'd never loose her again. FF 4 months to yesterday. All my intuitions and promises to myself sealed my doom. I was so worried about loosing her, that i acted completely irrational and insecure and it drove her away. I was so fixed on proving to her that I wasn't the same person as before, that I freaked out and smothered her. I sent her stupid texts outlining my insecurity, and she decided to quit ..again. I was so worried i would loose her again..I lost her. I am ****ing seriously on the edge of a breakdown at this point. Everything I ever wanted in the palm of my hand ..twice..and i blew it. She is very hard headed and a stubborn individual(most women are in my experience, no disrespect ladies) that I know better than to try and reconcile. I already cried on the phone and told her it was just because I was scared and love her soo much. But now i know she is not coming back ever. She took two chances on me and I always seem to **** up the best things in my life. I cant seem to live with all this guilt...twice, I still haven't forgiven myself for what i did to her the first time. Knowing it's all my fault again is killing me. I really dont know what I'm here for, I've lost most of my good friends due to life, accidents, and such....If there are positive people out there please speak up, i'm scared of myself
JazzyFox Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Rough story. Give her some time. Spend this next little while working on yourself. Become a better person. For yourself. If its meant to be, she will reach out to you, or fate will play a hand. There is nothing more for you to do. She knows you love her. She probably just cant trust your emotional instability. And as a woman, I can say that I (albeit sometimes unrealistically) expect my man to be my ROCK of emotional stability. Chin up!
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Agree. Men aren't supposed to be the ones acting like pussies in a relationship.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Agreed, although i wasn't a pussy i caused some stupid arguments. I am however...a complete douche
JazzyFox Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Inthe heat of the moment we all say and do stupid things. When things cool down, we see the truth and the extent of our dispair will either fuel a reunion. Or not. Dont berate yourself. But do tell me what you said that was so awful. Perhaps you could use ths forum to vent your frustration of yourself.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I had more or less just acted like an ass....asking her if she was interested in people, and texted her stupid **** such as : I can feel you leaving....do you really want this..yada yada. You would have thought I've learned out of I dunno 20+ stupid relationships or so. Being this mature ( or supposed to be) This will be the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, and not to sound like a deadbeat dad, but i had my little girl today and all I could do is watch nick jr. with her, when i usually spoil the **** out of her and take her all around the city. I feel extremely remorseful towards my daughter as well, she has no part in this
JazzyFox Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I try and live my life without regrets. Not worth the anxiety and energy. (yes,easier said than done) Next time your daughter is over, remember how much energy you spent being remorseful and use that as your "kick-in-the-a$$" to get off the couch and stop moping. Your love life has no guarantees. But I can guarantee that you will never regain days lost. Time is our most precious ressource. Use it wisely. PS. Your texts/comments are not that terrible. We have all had crazybouts like that. It just needs to stop, thats all. Actions speak louder than words. So cliche, so true.
Author latexyankee Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you fox and I thank you for the kind words. I will not let this this get to my relationship with my child, I simply cant, i have have a responsibility to uphold. that little girl needs me and i need her. but depression is a mf 'er, and I remember the last time she left I was nuts for months. Thankfully my daughter was only 5 mo. at that age so it wasn't clear to her. Now i feel like i'm falling into the same trap. i guess i just been lonely all my life except when i had her. when you start to get older, you realize what you really want out of a relationship, woman, life. I just dont know how I'm gonna keep it up
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