RN2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Long story short...my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago after a four year relationship. He broke up with me and his reasoning was that he didn't see us together anymore and wasn't happy. Of course that is hard to swallow, but I don't feel that is the complete reason. We had our ups and downs like any relationship , but we did so many fun and exciting things together that it made our relationship special, at least to me. We had already talked about marriage pretty early on in our relationship, making his reasoning for wanting out hard to bare. I just don't understand how you can be with someone, tell them you love them, want to marry them someday, but then decide you want out?! Also...we have been broken up for a month and I have not contacted him, nor has he contacted me the past two weeks. I am considering breaking NC and telling him how I feel, but having a hard time really bringing myself to do that. The reasoning being that we talked for about two weeks after the break up everyday and saw each other a few times to say goodbye, but obviously I wasn't taking it very well so I would text mostly, but call too. Each conversation started to get colder and colder on his end, like he was very frustrated that I just couldn't let it go, but honestly how can I, especially since that is not how my heart works! So the last time we talked, he told me that he would not text me to tell me he misses me or is thinking about me...at least for awhile. And that he would only call me if he had a change of heart. Now honestly, how can you not miss someone or tell them you miss them when you have shared so much together?!! This is so frustrating to me. I would like any advice as to whether I should break NC and tell him how I feel now, that I have reflected some on the break-up or should I not call him and see if he calls me? Do you think he will try to contact me sometime? Another thing is that I told him was that what we had was special, and although it wasn't always a perfect relationship, I felt it was perfect in its imperfections. And I asked if there was maybe a chance for us sometime in the future? And he responded that he didn't know how he would feel a week from now, a month from now, or a few months from now. In the end he told me he loved me and that this was "goodbye for now." After the countless times we or really I tried to say goodbye, he would say "goodbye for now." Please help....Any advice would be helpful.
4NewRoad Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I do not wish to over state this, but please, LOVE yourself, have dignity, and promise yourself that you WILL NOT, I repeat WILL NOT contact him again. It is over. Understand please, that if a guy, after a 4-year of a good relationship is unwilling to commit and instead bails out, what does that tell you??? I have found FANTASTIC posts from LS-contributors that will help you keep your resolution: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282460/ Keep the faith in yourself, mourn, feel the pain, but don't dwell on it. Chin up.
leoc1973 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I am sorry for what you are going through. I love how they always seem to keep ya hanging with that right now crap. My advice to you is date another guy. He will come running back so fast your head will spin. If he is using that we can't be together right now stuff then he is now willing to let you go. Put a little jealousy into play. Good luck!!
JR2315 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Think of it this way... Would you really want to marry a man who would leave you because of such a petty excuse???? I know 4 years is a long time but take always take the positive from the negative. In the long run it wouldnt have worked out anyways so it might as well have happened now. Of course you will still love him and such! But does he deserve it? from what you've told me... then NO.. You need a strong man who will never give up on you no matter what.
Author RN2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 Thank you everyone for your advice, I ended up breaking NC two days ago. Really should not of done that and I am definitely reaping the affects of that. I sent my ex a nice text message just saying mostly that I missed him and was thinking about him. Nothing along the lines of "I want you back." He sent a message back saying he was thinking of me too, that he hoped I was doing well, but that he still stands by his decision to "go our separate ways." I was kind of taken back because no where in the text message did I say "hey, did you change your mind?" I just was following my heart and wanted him to know that I was thinking about him. The conversation didn't really end there. We talked on the phone for a short time, but he seemed frustrated because he didn't want to talk on the phone with me. He said it is too hard to hear my voice. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and we (meaning I) have been texting him here and there since then, but I stopped tonight. He was cold to me at times in the text messages, but in other times he wasn't. Not sure where to go from here. Obviously I need to start NC again. It's just so hard to live day by day not thinking about him constantly. I try formulate thoughts in my head of things I didn't like about him so that maybe I can find justification that maybe we aren't right for each other. But once I do that and I realize there were things that frustrated me too, the next day I wake up (mind you, I can't hardly sleep) and miss him all over again and try to find justification for wanting him back. Man, all of this is so awful. I hate it. I need to find a way to cope with all of this. And I need to move on, but it is easier said then done. And I still wonder if he will ever call me again.
lalalandman Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Go NC. Don't give him the time of day. Just allow your heart to heal with time. Be strong and remember you're worth it. If he tries to contact you, just respectfully ignore it. You have to consider your feelings. Why would you want to allow yourself to be hurt, right? Even if he comes crawling back, I wouldn't trust it entirely. Just stay NC, and take care of yourself.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I am sorry for what you are going through. I love how they always seem to keep ya hanging with that right now crap. My advice to you is date another guy. He will come running back so fast your head will spin. If he is using that we can't be together right now stuff then he is now willing to let you go. Put a little jealousy into play. Good luck!! if you actually want this person back for the long haul I would not do this. I'm sure this would bring him back temporarily but taking a manipulative approach such as this is almost asking for another failed run. if you want this person back I wouldn't date until you know they are dating someone or you are just plain ready to date again (sorry but you don't seem ready).
Author RN2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 if you actually want this person back for the long haul I would not do this. I'm sure this would bring him back temporarily but taking a manipulative approach such as this is almost asking for another failed run. if you want this person back I wouldn't date until you know they are dating someone or you are just plain ready to date again (sorry but you don't seem ready). Yeah....I have no intention of dating anyone else right now. I came to that conclusion when I met this guy out with friends. He has been trying to pursue me and asking me to hang out, but I have had other plans so I decline. I have hung out with him once and when I did, I felt overwhelming emotions like I was cheating or this isn't what I want, I want to be with my ex right now. Think its too fresh in my mind and I need time to figure out what I want.
Kilty Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 You need to keep your self respect and not appear needy. Nothing will put a guy off more. Guys like to do the chasing & not the other way around. Trust me on this. The only way you can achieve that is total no contact & keep your emotions in check at all times. Not only do you not initiate any further contact - the only contact you ever consider responding to of his is when he says he has made a mistake and wants you back for keeps - you ignore everything else. Meanwhile you try to move on and forget about him - i realise from experience this is great advice but cack trying to put it into practice. But on the outside you have to convince him you have moved on while on the inside you try your best to do that meantime. Anything else will have the total opposite effect. As i have said many times on here at the moment your mind will try an justify any reasoning so you contact him because your emotions are ruling your thought processes. Do not listen to them You have been warned Oh and ps - you will be fine eventually
usabup Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Thank you everyone for your advice, I ended up breaking NC two days ago. Really should not of done that and I am definitely reaping the affects of that. I sent my ex a nice text message just saying mostly that I missed him and was thinking about him. Nothing along the lines of "I want you back." He sent a message back saying he was thinking of me too, that he hoped I was doing well, but that he still stands by his decision to "go our separate ways." I was kind of taken back because no where in the text message did I say "hey, did you change your mind?" I just was following my heart and wanted him to know that I was thinking about him. The conversation didn't really end there. We talked on the phone for a short time, but he seemed frustrated because he didn't want to talk on the phone with me. He said it is too hard to hear my voice. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and we (meaning I) have been texting him here and there since then, but I stopped tonight. He was cold to me at times in the text messages, but in other times he wasn't. Not sure where to go from here. Obviously I need to start NC again. It's just so hard to live day by day not thinking about him constantly. I try formulate thoughts in my head of things I didn't like about him so that maybe I can find justification that maybe we aren't right for each other. But once I do that and I realize there were things that frustrated me too, the next day I wake up (mind you, I can't hardly sleep) and miss him all over again and try to find justification for wanting him back. Man, all of this is so awful. I hate it. I need to find a way to cope with all of this. And I need to move on, but it is easier said then done. And I still wonder if he will ever call me again. You have to understand this from his point of view to. Whatever his reason's for breaking up with you, he does have the right to choose who he does and does not want to be with. Having said that, it dosnt mean that he isn't hurting from the break up too. Infact, him telling you that he dosnr want to talk to you on the phone because he dosnt like hearing your voice is a big sign that this is hard for him. If you want him back, your best bet is to respect his space and leave him alone. If you keep on chasing him, he will see that as a lack of respect and start to feel negative towards you. Believe me, I have been on both sides of that position. We all know its hard for you and we all feel for you. We will all be here for you when needed but honestly, believe us when we say don't contact him at all untill you hear from him. Which in my opinion, you will do at some point. If you keep chasing, that just increases your chances of NEVER hearing from him again.
Author RN2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Posted June 18, 2011 (edited) Thank you everyone for your advice! It is extremely helpful to hear other peoples point of view on this subject. My question is now that I am back to NC and have no intention of contacting him, will he eventually realize his decision to end things may have been a mistake? He is a very stubborn and selfish guy who 'usually' sticks to his decisions. I just hope that all the mistakes I have made with begging, pleading, and text messages hasn't pushed over the edge to NEVER consider a reconcilation?! Right now in my heart if he called me tomorrow and wanted me back I would go. But I know that once I sit there and really evaluate the flaws in myself, him, and the relationship, I may realize this is for the best too. I just want to get to that point already. Yeah, I find things to occupy my time and have been hanging out with friends a lot, but I still think about it constantly. Just so tired of obsessing over it. And do any of you think I should send him an email or text telling him that I accept and respect his decision? A part of me would like to receive that call that he made a mistake, just so that maybe it would evaluate my worth to him. Ugh..... Edited June 18, 2011 by RN2011
SlowBlues Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 You're asking a question of us that we cannot answer. What will he eventually think in the future? I'm sorry to tell you but nobody has the answer to this question except for him. The point of NC at this point for you should be to move on so that the possible answer to this question is not lingering in your mind. You are never going to get the answers you want by pushing, and you aren't going to get the answers you want through NC. The point is you need to be able to come to terms with the fact that there are some lingering questions you have that will never have answers provided for you. It sucks but it's a part of life. Breakups are often complicated and very seldom cut and dry. Just do your best now to be good to yourself, and the rest will fall into place, be that with your ex or with someone new.
Kilty Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 And do any of you think I should send him an email or text telling him that I accept and respect his decision? A part of me would like to receive that call that he made a mistake, just so that maybe it would evaluate my worth to him. Ugh..... There are only so much advice people can give you - if you dont heed it then on your own head be it. As i said in my last post your mind is currently wanting to and make decisions based on emotions. The fact that you asked this question proves this. You do not want to send an email or text so you can tell him you accept his decision - you want to send it in the hope that you get a positive repsonse and the threat of you giving up makes him contact you. What will happen is that you will likely receive no response or worse be told not to contact him again. You have to never initiate contact again if you have any hope of him reconsidering. He has already told you its over so you accept it and move on No contact helps you get over him and in some circumstances give the other partner space and time to reflect on the break up Then you wait and see what happens but you do not hold onto him having a change of heart. If nothing it was never meant to be
Author RN2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 I do listen to everyone's advice, just feeling so weak. I had already gone with NC for 2 weeks, but then decided to break it. I hate that I did. Although, he doesn't ignore my text messages, he will not talk to me on the phone. All this is so incredibly difficult, because I question everything!! I have been talking to a lot of my friends and coming on here and it does help, for a little while anyway. But, then I go back to feeling like I want him back. I know the point of NC is to heal yourself, but I hope that in the process I may hear from him again, because right now I miss him like crazy. I'm just terrified I never will because of the kind of guy he is! I just want to get to a point where I don't think about him constantly or worry or question everything.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 I just want to get to a point where I don't think about him constantly or worry or question everything. I know you've heard this a lot but you will feel better with time. I'm almost 3 months out of my relationship and I still think about my ex often but I don't feel hurt or resentment towards her. Although, he doesn't ignore my text messages, he will not talk to me on the phone. I don't want to get your hopes up but if he is replying to your text messages I'm sure he will contact you when you least expect it, just keep in mind that it might not be to reconcile. my ex changed her number and deleted me from facebook, yet when I least expect it she will email me with some irrelevant message which I ignore, or send an irrelevant IM through AIM or Gtalk. Right now in my heart if he called me tomorrow and wanted me back I would go. But I know that once I sit there and really evaluate the flaws in myself, him, and the relationship, I may realize this is for the best too. If he does contact you and wants you back I wouldn't jump back in the relationship, he dumped you so it should be him that wins your heart again. You might come to the conclusion that you don't want him back after you analyse the flaws and that is just fine. Stay Strong
Nantucket1984 Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 RN, I feel your pain! My ex gf left me 2 months ago because I lied to her about my pill addiction the entire 6 months we were together. I didnt know who the hell I was after the breakup. I called, texted her, sent her flowers, cards, hand-written apology letters, wrote to her on fb, asked her to hang out. That wasnt me but I felt bad for hurting her so bad that I wanted to fix it. I thought I was doing the right thing by showing her how much I cared and loved her. NONE OF IT HAS WORKED! She too; like your bf is so cold and distant on the phone. When I call her she sound so annoyed and bothered. I think to myself how could she be annoyed BY MY CALL? shes the one that asked me out, shes the one that showered me with gifts, shes the one that said "I love you" first, shes the one that said her heart races when she sees my name on her phone, shes the one that wanted to spend every minute with me and was so angry when we didnt. I feel like I have no idea who she is anymore. I havent really gone more then a week without finding a clever way to annoy her and call her up. The other day someone at work approached me and said she slept with another guy at work(we work together) My heart is now in a million peices. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I want to beat this guy up, I want to confront her and yell at her. Even though were not together I feel betrayed and lied too because she said she wasnt intersted in meeting anyone else and blah blah blah. My point is as bad as you want to call them and spill your guts it really gets you no where. It didnt work for me and it didnt work for others on this forum. the only thing i havent tried to do was give her space. Well I definitly feel like I have no business calling her now after I heard that story. I am so devastated. You have got to go NC and just be patient. Both suck I know but theres nothing else you can do. Can you comment on my story please? Would love a femailes point of view of what happened and if I should confront her about what I heart. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282230/
Author RN2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Thank you for the advice Nantucket. I think at this point calling and texting will only make things worse in the long run. I know that I have pushed him away further because of it. I am 2 days of NC and just need to muster up the courage to not text him again or even want to text him.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Oh wow RN... yeah... our stories are definitely similar! The thing is... your ex DUMPED you. So you have to accept that no matter what you say, what you do, how you'll change, what you're willing to sacrifice, it won't matter. You tried and your ex has CHOSEN to let the relationship you two had go. Don't obsess over the memories, and the times you've shared and what you've been through, because you have to realize that he's considered that... and STILL chose to dump you. Frustrating right? But it's the truth. He's only going to see you begging and pleading, and calling and texting and asking questions as a means of harrassment, manipulation and a preventative measure to keep him from going on, when... HE'S ALREADY CHOSEN. It really does suck to face it but it's the truth. I think you've tried all the persuasive tactics you could, to a point where if you keep trying to make him come around, he's going to resent you even more. Luckily!! You've already gone NC!! So he'll have the time he needs to think and consider and wonder whether that bullsh*t "goodbye for now" line was really worth it. Hopefully he'll realize it and even if he does... there's only a VERY VERY anorexic chance that he'll come back. That's the sucky part. However with NC, you get to focus on you as well. Regenerate that life that was drained from you. Just focus on restoring yourself to a point where you can be whole again. Don't reach out to him for any reason. HE dumped YOU, keep that in mind, so you don't have a reason to grovel and make concessions for someone who would so easily cast you aside without considering you feelings. You're gonna be alright. Everyone has been giving you great advice so far. I look forward to the updates! And when things get really hard... and you have that itch to talk to him... come talk to us instead!
Kuite09 Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 RN, Your situation sounds very similar to mine as well. I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 yrs with a break in between, we cut it off completely a couple of months back and I did the same thing you did, the phone calls, texts etc. Tomorrow would've been 3 week of NC but yesterday I did text him to say Happy Fathers Day (he has a daughter) the past week I was debating if I would text him or not for Father’s day. So I did and he send me back a cute personal text which made my day but then again it got me upset because it’s been 3 weeks almost with NC. I keep asking myself will he call me again. Does he miss me? Does he think about me? I try to have hope but need to realize that maybe this can be over, I want to call him to talk to him but I know I need to let him be and give him all his space. I am too hoping that one day he realizes he made a mistake and wants to make everything work but at this point I can't live with that hope because I don't want to be disappointed. I totally understand what you’re going thru, I want to have hope but I am so scared at the same time. This man means the world to me, just like your ex he gets frustrated with my phone calls and texts messages too but continues to tell me right now he can't do it and he does love me a lot. Keep your head up, we WILL be okay!
Karala Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 There are only so much advice people can give you - if you dont heed it then on your own head be it. As i said in my last post your mind is currently wanting to and make decisions based on emotions. The fact that you asked this question proves this. You do not want to send an email or text so you can tell him you accept his decision - you want to send it in the hope that you get a positive repsonse and the threat of you giving up makes him contact you. What will happen is that you will likely receive no response or worse be told not to contact him again. You have to never initiate contact again if you have any hope of him reconsidering. He has already told you its over so you accept it and move on No contact helps you get over him and in some circumstances give the other partner space and time to reflect on the break up Then you wait and see what happens but you do not hold onto him having a change of heart. If nothing it was never meant to be True, all she said.
ItsRainingAgain Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I do listen to everyone's advice, just feeling so weak. I had already gone with NC for 2 weeks, but then decided to break it. I hate that I did. Although, he doesn't ignore my text messages, he will not talk to me on the phone. All this is so incredibly difficult, because I question everything!! I have been talking to a lot of my friends and coming on here and it does help, for a little while anyway. But, then I go back to feeling like I want him back. I know the point of NC is to heal yourself, but I hope that in the process I may hear from him again, because right now I miss him like crazy. I'm just terrified I never will because of the kind of guy he is! I just want to get to a point where I don't think about him constantly or worry or question everything. NO CONTACT! The kind of guy that he is...stubborn? my ex bf is the most stubborn person there is and once I started NC (5 weeks ago to the day) he came by my work...NC healed me and I didn't even know it until I seen him. I still do miss him and of course your bf is missing you and thinking of you but remember he is stubborn! “There is nothing in the world more stubborn than a corpse: you can hit it, you can knock it to pieces, but you cannot convince it.” Ok maybe our bfs are not that subborn after all. Don't break NC!
Karala Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 “There is nothing in the world more stubborn than a corpse: you can hit it, you can knock it to pieces, but you cannot convince it.” I feel like I need to pull out my dead parrot analogy again. "POOOLLYYY! POLLY PARROOOT!"
Fufu Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 I hope the following gives you another food for thought. My personal views on No Contact. True Purpose of NC (No Contact) NC is mainly and solely for yourself, for yourself to move on from the past broken and failed relationship and discover what you can do for yourself without your ex being in your life anymore. That little hope that he/she will come back for you will only hinder your healing process. This may sound cruel and mean to some of you but it is the fact if you do want to start moving forward and be happy again. If your ex bf/gf is truly in love with you and realize they made the BIGGEST mistake, let him/her be the one to initiate the SINCERE contact and action to get you back. By then, you would have already moved on and will be able to think logically if he/she is worth to be with again, whether this once broken relationship is worth to relive again. Whether, this very person is serious in working things out with you and be truly committed to you and not dropping you off again. Most of the cases we see over in forums are usually breadcrumbs (of course I do believe there are exes that come back sincerely and real for their exes), the reasons why Dumpees pick on breadcrumbs so easily because generally they are still having romantic feelings for their exes and still most likely questioning themselves why their exes chose to leave them and blaming themselves over what caused the years of relationship to end. Dumpers made their own choice to leave the Dumpees. In each and every relationship, no one is always right, and no one is always at fault. We learned from our mistakes and be a better person. However, if one of an individual in a relationship refuses to work things out with his/her partner, no matter how compatible the couple is, the couple will face issue of sustaining the relationship. At this moment, the couple had different thoughts and ideals in the relationship. The Dumper wants out of the relationship and the Dumpee still sees hope in the relationship. If Dumpers makes the first contact with the Dumpee, do not over analyze the intention from the Dumper because it can mean so many reasons: - It could mean the Dumper misses spending time with Dumpee, just spending time but nothing about getting back with the Dumpee. - It could mean the Dumper just wants to come back to be Dumpee's friend and nothing more. - It could also mean the Dumper just wants to come back to treat the Dumpee as a fall back plan or the most cruel one to come back for Dumpee for lust. Any Dumpees who haven't move on may fall into any of the above traps if they are not careful, that's why we always hear about cases people breaking NC because their exes contact them once or twice or thrice and they start to think that their exes are coming back for them for real. Remember, when they dropped you the break up bomb, they left you there, they left you crying alone, they left you questioning them, they left you feeling dejected, they left you blaming yourselves. They left you not willing to work any problems out with you and ultimately you felt the blow that you cause the relationship to end (which in fact it is never 1 person's fault for a relationship to come to an end.) If they just come back like this, do think properly if they are really serious coming back for you or not. Because, if the Dumper is not being serious, the Dumpee will end up being hurt again. NC is never about a game and a tool to use to get your exes back. NC is for yourself to discover what you missed out in life when you were with your ex bf/gf, NC is for yourself to discover what you can do so much in your life, NC is for yourself to realize what and who you've been neglecting when you are with your ex bf/gf. NC is about getting your life back again and be even happier without your ex in your life. NC could be a stranger and seems scary to all the Dumpees from the beginning, however when time sets in, NC will be your best friend and the support you will get to regain yourself back will come from NC itself. My all-time favorite quote, "You want to be actively chosen, and not settled for." What I learned for myself from this whole ordeal is that one's true happiness cannot be relied and depended on another person.
Kazmi Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Everytime I think of breaking NC I think of two things - my respect for myself, how much I do not want to seem needy infront of my ex, it's a very unattractive trait, no matter how you look at it.. And the second thing is my respect for my ex. My ex did his best not to hurt me, he has made many big mistakes going out from our relationship (like started to date his ex two weeks after our breakup, though it barely matters since it's obviously a rebound-thing, but still - he tried his best not to offend me and really didn't want me to find out, he still probably doesn't know I know ), mainly because he wasn't in the best state... He told me that it pains him to talk with me, and even though I feared the worse (like what happened, haha) I repsected him and gave him space. I know that he knows that I respect his will, and I believe it's very important.. I think that once a person is important to you, you need to be able to do things for them that aren't very comfortable to you, it's a sacrifice, yeah, but the other way around is being disrespectful towards them. You don't want your ex to hold that against you, believe me... I'm holding up 5 months, I contacted him twice, unfortunatelly, but luckily it barely set me back - however, it's not a very recommended thing to do.. Your ex decided to end it, respect his decision, even though it pains you and you feel your heart is about to explode . In my opinion, showing respect is one of the greater gestures of affection. If it's meant to be, it will be, if not - then it's another experience in life and use it to grow wiser and stronger. It's never, ever easy...
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