EgoJoe Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 You will be happy again. You will find the answers that are TRULY important. When you make the honest effort for YOURSELF nothing will change BUT YOU WILL CHANGE. Let it all go. It is going to be ok. Homebrew said it to me best, NC is for you and you alone. You want to be treated a certain way. Speak your piece when it's relevant to the topic at hand if that time has passed then learn the lesson and apply it in the future. TaraMaiden said this to me, all relationships are emotional manipulation of some sort. Forgive, move on, you will be just fine. I promise you.
nessaaa Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I wont forgive, i forgave once and he burned me again. now i want to rip his balls out. forgive my ass.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 nessaaa, You chose to go back to the same person that treated you badly the first time. You had to "forgive him" for the wrong that he caused you. You went back the second time not because you forgave him the first time, it's because you chose to ignore the red flags, dreaming in denial, believing he could be what you want him to be. It's one thing to want to rip his balls out the first time, but if you went back the second time, it's time you take accountability for placing yourself in the same situation. It's not him anymore, it's you.
Rory12345 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Nessa, You don't need to tell him that you forgive him but you need to in your mind. These negative thoughts of him will just keep him in your mind for longer and will make it harder for you to fully heal and move on. Regards, Rory
Mack05 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 everyone is right Nessa. The longer you hold onto this anger the worse it is for you. By not forgiving him, you give him the power over you and he does not deserve that..
geegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Yes, at some point you have to take responsibility and accountability for putting yourself in bad situations. If a guy treats you badly and you keep going back for seconds, thirds, you have to start asking yourself what about you keeps wanting to go back to abusive situations. You teach people how to treat you. And Nessaaa, you thought him that you're fine accepting negative behavior. When he did it the second time, it's not his problem anymore. It's yours. You shouldn't be mad at him. You can't be mad at him. He was doing what he does best. It was your responsibility to do the right thing by YOU and step away from it. You should start focusing on why you place yourself in these situations so that you can make better choices in the future.
Mack05 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I posted this is another thread... There is an old saying that "water seeks it own level". That means your partner's flaws and issues usually go hand in hand with your own. A person that chooses a partner with a similar degree of brokenness and does a dance of dysfunction where they both know the steps. Therefore, one person cannot be so much healthier than the other. Healthy people do not dance with unhealthy people. It's nearly always people who have had traumatic pasts, who suffer from low self esteem and low self confidence and overall belief in themselves that fall for this types of guys. When two unhealthy people get to know each other, what eventually happens is that their emotional needs do not get met by the other person. Soon the relationship becomes toxic to both partners. Yet even though the relationship is toxic, one or both of you still wants to hang on (or goes back for more)...The key thing here to break the vicious cycle. Nessa you need to use this time to learn from your mistakes. Another extract from the book..Getting past your breakup (Susan J Elliot).. "During the post-breakup period, you have three options. The first is to spend all kinds of time, futile effort, and tears trying to win back your ex back. The second is to try to go on as if nothing happened and continue down the same path that led you into another unsuccessful relationship. The third option is to heal properly, look at what's happened and learn new ways to put together a happy and whole life. Not only will this make you happier, it will also give you the best chance to find true love with a person who is good for you and good to you. Although the last option is infinitely more attractive and assures sustained long term happiness, most people choose the first and when that doesn't work, the second. Why?Because they have no idea how to do the third - to take charge of their lives. Choosing option 3 means alot of time dealing with your emotional pain. Emotional pain has its upside. It can motivate you to examine certain aspects of you life in a way that doesn't happen when you are comfortable. The new breakup pain, coupled with old unresolved grief can bring you to a place where you can address issues and recover - in a way you're not able to do when you are not facing a major loss. Opportunity plus willingness means that a breakup is the best time to change your life for the better, inside and out. Unfortunately, few people take the opportunity because after the first blush of freedom, the reality of being alone begins to overshadow the promise of change. The emotional pain becomes so great that willingness to work through it is replaced with a drive to "Feel Better" and put everything in the past. Even if you have every intention of getting past the breakup, both emotionally and logistically, it may seem like an imposible task because life alone seems scary and unclear..Right now the best thing to do is to meet this challenge head on, work through the grief, make plans for the future and change your life. But how do you do that when you are overcome with grief, fear of the future and practical everyday matters?" The book sets out a roadmap to show you how to answer the last question posed. I think you should read this book Nessa, because right now you are the kind of girl that picks option 1 and then 2...
nessaaa Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Okay... but you do know that bitterness only hurts you, right? Since He doesn't give a crap what you think or feel... Why would you continue to allow your Ex to hurt / ruin you? You aren't going to attract or keep a "good" guy for very long if you hold onto your anger and bitterness. Why should a "good" guy have to pay for crimes that he didn't commit? Think about it... I've been moving on but im still bitter and hurt about it, getting better tho. Who said a good guy will have to pay for his crimes???
nessaaa Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My friends and I run into and avoid dating women like nessaaa all the time. They get pissed at us because we don't want to date an angry, bitter, jealous, and possessive women. What they fail to realize... Is they are their own problem. With these women... it's always one or more of the same three things: 1. Their BF pickers are defective. 2. They stay with and even go back to a guy that treats them like crap. 3. They wanted and purposely chose to date the "bad" boys. What is ironic... They are all SURPRISED that the guys who treats them like crap or the "bad" boys ends up ripping their heart without a care or concern in the world. You are getting exactly what you are asking for. What do they do? That's right... they go back for more or date another guy that treats them like crap or another "bad" boy and expect a different outcome. What ends up happening? No surprise here... They get lied too, cheated on, emotional or physically abused, they lose more of their self-esteem, become jealous, become possessive, become angry and bitter and take all of this out on all men ("good" guys included). No "healthy" guy is going to want to be with a women like that. The only guys that will are either "unhealthy", treat you like crap or the "bad" boys. It's quite the marry go round... and they fail to realize they bring it upon themselves. It's all our fault. Get off the marry go round and work on the following instead. 1. Fix your BF picker. 2. Don't allow, stay with or go back to a guy that treats you like crap. 3. Don't date "bad" boys. Wow is that what I am jealous and possessive?? I am bitter and angry but in real life, it's all hidden I dont even talk about it...I dont take my anger and bitterness out on other guys or people. :S I started dating this guy because he was opposite of what I usually end up going for. But then he ended up to be worse.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Wow is that what I am jealous and possessive?? I am bitter and angry but in real life, it's all hidden I dont even talk about it...I dont take my anger and bitterness out on other guys or people. :S I started dating this guy because he was opposite of what I usually end up going for. But then he ended up to be worse. Speaking for myself, I really don't feel it's a good thing to jump back into dating after a break up when you're emotionally hurt and unhealthy. Most times, you're often not a good judge of character because you're too eager to find someone to fill the void. Your "picker" is off and you end up with either someone like or worse than your ex or someone that's just not compatible because you jump at the first thing that comes along that's remotely close to rescuing you. Maybe you should take some time off dating and start focusing on yourself. Working on why you make the choices you do. What about you believes you need to be treated that way. What can you do to build a healthy self esteem.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Im not dating or anything right now. Didnt realize that I might have self esteem issues If you have self-esteem, you value yourself as a person. You have confidence and direction in your life and you have boundaries. You have a strong sense of self care. You know never to settle for anything less than you deserve because you are worthy. If you value yourself as a person, would you allow someone to come into your life and treat you badly, call you names and then go back for more? No. Because you have boundaries and you value yourself enough to not let anyone do that to you. You are able to walk away and learn from it or you are able to smell BS a mile away and have the ability to say no because you know it is wrong for you. It's when you don't value yourself, you allow and accept bad treatment to re-enter your life over and over again because you believe that is all you're worth. If it's not lack of self love or worth, what about you made you want to go back to someone that belittled you by calling you names?
Author EgoJoe Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Don't derail! This thread is for positive change!
AmericanHoney Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 As they old saying goes Forgive and Forget.... While I don't necessarily forgive him for choosing her over me I would like to forget him and quite honestly I am happier without him. He was self-centered a-hole!
Fedor Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I wont forgive, i forgave once and he burned me again. now i want to rip his balls out. forgive my ass. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
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