Whipple Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I think almost everyone in an LDR experiences this sometime or another. This really didn't happen in my previous LDR because my ex boyfriend literally had no friends. Anyway, this weekend, my boyfriend was making hypothetical plans and vacations with one of his good friends. I felt really sad and left out because I would have enjoyed going to these places, but mostly I just feel like I'm missing out on part of his life. But there's nothing I can do about it since I won't be around and it would be very difficult to incorporate me in these plans. How do other people deal with feeling left out?
HeavenOrHell Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I usually make sure I'm busy too or out, so that I don't dwell on it, it isn't easy though I know I think almost everyone in an LDR experiences this sometime or another. This really didn't happen in my previous LDR because my ex boyfriend literally had no friends. Anyway, this weekend, my boyfriend was making hypothetical plans and vacations with one of his good friends. I felt really sad and left out because I would have enjoyed going to these places, but mostly I just feel like I'm missing out on part of his life. But there's nothing I can do about it since I won't be around and it would be very difficult to incorporate me in these plans. How do other people deal with feeling left out?
Cathster Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I feel exactly the same, but as HoH says I try to make sure I am busy or with friends when he is to avoid thinking too much about it. It's difficult with the time difference - so at night when I am getting ready for bed and wanting to talk to him he is in the middle of having a great afternoon out - but I'm getting used to it, and just trying to make sure we do as many fun things when we are together.
creighton0123 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Don't feel left out. You're approaching his vacation plans as though you're in a relationship. You're not. You're in a long distance relationship. They're two very different things requiring different mental approaches. Be happy for him that he's going out and having fun. You should do the same and when his short vacation is all over, you two can talk all about it. If communication is good enough, his words should paint a picture in your mind that makes it feel as though you were there with him. If it is a longer vacation (more than a week) set a point where you can communicate either via cell phone or video chat at least once just to make sure that his travels are going well and he's safe. That's not an unreasonable request.
Author Whipple Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Don't feel left out. You're approaching his vacation plans as though you're in a relationship. You're not. You're in a long distance relationship. They're two very different things requiring different mental approaches. Be happy for him that he's going out and having fun. You should do the same and when his short vacation is all over, you two can talk all about it. If communication is good enough, his words should paint a picture in your mind that makes it feel as though you were there with him. If it is a longer vacation (more than a week) set a point where you can communicate either via cell phone or video chat at least once just to make sure that his travels are going well and he's safe. That's not an unreasonable request.Our communication is good enough and he does very well explaining things. I'm just worried that we're not going to share many experiences and grow in this relationship. It's very easy to look back where we first started dating and see how much we've grown and become intimate (not just sexually/physically) in this relationship up until now. Now that we're LDR, it just feels like we're not going to grow and progress. Plus, I have to admit, and I know this makes me sound like a better and inconsiderate person, but it makes me jealous that he's using that time to visit and vacation with his friends instead of me. I know that's a very unfair thing for me to say because he shouldn't let his friendships fall to the wayside but it does make me sad. I don't know. I feel certain that this LDR will eventually become too inconvenient to him.
creighton0123 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Our communication is good enough and he does very well explaining things. I'm just worried that we're not going to share many experiences and grow in this relationship. It's very easy to look back where we first started dating and see how much we've grown and become intimate (not just sexually/physically) in this relationship up until now. Now that we're LDR, it just feels like we're not going to grow and progress. Plus, I have to admit, and I know this makes me sound like a better and inconsiderate person, but it makes me jealous that he's using that time to visit and vacation with his friends instead of me. I know that's a very unfair thing for me to say because he shouldn't let his friendships fall to the wayside but it does make me sad. I don't know. I feel certain that this LDR will eventually become too inconvenient to him. You'll share plenty of experiences. They'll be little ones. Write them down to reference them later. I can understand the feeling of hitting the pause button. I can't say anything to make you not feel that way. No one can. You can, however, make a routine enough to the point where your communication occurs in such a way as to simulate a shared-living experience. Skype video chat goes a long way towards doing this - especially and even if you leave the video channel open and on mute while you're doing other things.
Author Whipple Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 You'll share plenty of experiences. They'll be little ones. Write them down to reference them later. I can understand the feeling of hitting the pause button. I can't say anything to make you not feel that way. No one can. You can, however, make a routine enough to the point where your communication occurs in such a way as to simulate a shared-living experience. Skype video chat goes a long way towards doing this - especially and even if you leave the video channel open and on mute while you're doing other things.Thanks, Creighton. I'll keep the muted video channel idea in mind. But do you have to feel like the pause button has been hit in an LDR? All of my friends that have been in successful (ones where they closed the distance and are still together) say that their relationship advanced very, very, very slowly during the time they were LD. One of my good friends said that a year in an LDR is like 3 months in a normal relationship. How do you keep it progressing? Good communication? Many visits?
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 combo of communication and many visits. whenever my fiance goes to camping, training and visit places i sometimes ask him to take pictures for me so at least he can share his experience with me through pictures. whenever i am out with my friends too, he would also plan some things for himself. then we would just go on about how we wish we were together on a date and if we have money we will try to visit that place together.
creighton0123 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks, Creighton. I'll keep the muted video channel idea in mind. But do you have to feel like the pause button has been hit in an LDR? All of my friends that have been in successful (ones where they closed the distance and are still together) say that their relationship advanced very, very, very slowly during the time they were LD. One of my good friends said that a year in an LDR is like 3 months in a normal relationship. How do you keep it progressing? Good communication? Many visits? I would say that you don't fundamentally keep it progressing. Instead, you sustain it and be good, if not very best, friends to one another until your next in person visit. It is during the face to face time that you make solid progression. Time apart is trying because there isn't the shared experience and isn't physical contact. The communication level needs to be heightened to avoid miscommunications and problems that can otherwise be easily prevented - as well as to ensure that both of you are still on the same page when it comes to your desire to continue the relationship. All I can say is that while apart, progression can only happen when you sustain a feeling of simulated living space. This all depends on the type and duration of communication and your time zone difference (I'd rather have a 12 hour time difference than a 3 to 6 hour time difference for that exact reason).
Recommended Posts