admitted I was using... she left me

[Nantucket1984]

First time poster. My now ex-gf and I have been broken up for 7 weeks now. We dated for 6 months and she said she loved me and I felt the same. I told her when we started dating I used to be addicted to painkillers but fought that demon. Little did she know when I admitted that when we first started dating that the demon creeped back into my life. She used to ask me throughout our relationship if I was using and I would look her straight in the eyes and say NO. Anyways 7 weeks ago we get into a huge fight and she said she knows i was using again. So I admitted it and she left me. She has a 2 year old daughter and said shes protecting her right now and she was upset I brought drugs into her daughters life. I see that but I never used when they were around and never bought anything when they were around. Everything was done when I was alone. At the begining of our breakup she said she still loved me and wanted to see me get clean before we fix us. I should of let it go at that but I didnt. I was annoying, persistant and pushy because I felt bad for what I did. I felt bad for hurting her, lying to her and seeing her cry. So I would ask to hang out, she would say shes not ready. I would stop calling for a couple days then call again to ask if i can stop by or if we can hang out and she always said shes cant right now. 3 weeks ago I got very frustrated and we got into a fight because I was mad things were getting better with us. She said I hurt her a lot and I need to realize that and that she cannot see me right now or talk to me. So I went a couple days without calling then went right back to asking her to hang out, etc. She made it clear a few times she was done talking about what happened and she cant hang out right now. But I kept calling and asking why are u being like this, why are u doing this to me? I told her its been 7 weeks things should be better. A family member of mine passed about 2 days ago and I told her and she said shes very sorry and asked if i was ok a few times. However, yesterday she did not call to see how I was dealing with it at all and that really got me upset. So i told her today she was rude for not asking me how i was doing and that after 7 weeks she should be getting over it if u supposedly "love someone." I told her i have no idea who you are anymore, you were important to me and now ur losing me. She got very upset and said that I have not respected what she said since we broke up. She said I keep telling u i cant see you right now and u keep asking, u dont respect me. Maybe if u did respect me I wouldnt be so angry when we talk. So she pretty much said today to stop calling and leave her alone.

 

My brain doesnt undertand this, Im usually laid back, cool. But it bothered me how bad I hurt her and to see her cry. I didnt tell her about my addiction because I was scared, embarassed and ashamed. I didnt want her to worry. She kept saying the lies hurt more then anything.

 

I have been very pushy and should of backed off but i didnt. I dont get how she can shut me out of her life like this if u "love" someone. I feel like after 7 weeks things should get a little bit better. Did they not get better because I was so pushy?? I obviously cant contact her after what happened today but I really do love her and want her back. I wish i wasnt so pushy. What do I do?

 

**btw I did the whole sorry thing a million times, got her flowers, wrote letters, kept apologizing, told her i was scared and embarassed and ashamed thats why I didnt tell her and nothing has worked in 7 weeks!**

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

My condolences.

 

My first suggestion is to take proactive steps to begin and maintain recovery. Put yourself first. You have no control over how she reacts to you. Take the energy from this difficult time and direct it in a positive way.

 

Secondly, leave her alone. Actively end all communication. You've said your piece, offered your apologies, made your amends. Now, let it go.

[2sunny]

you offered your "altered self" to her. she doesn't really know your true self.

 

get well - stay well - and DO the right thing. she doesn't know you at all... so stop trying to force your altered self onto her. she doesn't want it. she knows you lie.

 

time to get busy getting well my friend.

[Exit]

"Nothing has worked in 7 weeks"

 

The only thing you haven't tried is honoring her wishes and trying to respect her. She may love you but she loves herself and her child as well and doesn't want to be involved with this stuff. If you were ashamed and embarassed, you could have told her you had slipped up and started using again and you needed support and love to stop. It would be one thing to just not tell her, but to do the type of lying where you look in someone's eyes and lie, that is hard to get over. I'm sure she wonders what else you're capable of lying about.

 

Kill two birds with one stone. Get clean, focus on yourself, and at the same time, leave her alone for a while. That is your only chance, if there even is one anymore.

[Mack05]

I feel your pain bro. I have been there.

 

I told my ex that I was a recovering gambling addict at the end of our relationship and she used it against me, to not want to be with me. I think you need to take a few things into prespective here. I think it's impossible to love someone after 6 months. Sure it feels like Love because you have a very special connection and that the emotions you are feeling are very intense. But there is a BIG different between intensity and intimacy. The truth is, true intimacy and Love takes time to develop (a lot longer then 6 months). My ex told me that I was the love of her life after 4 months which is a ridiculous thing to say. 6 weeks later she the tells me she's not sure she ever loved me.

 

I did what you you are doing now. Focused on the how could she tell me I was the love of her life and then 6 weeks later, go to be so cruel and cold. By focusing on them that means we avoid having to face our own demons and that's how you become addicted in the first place. By running away from your demons and feelings and look for a quick fix which will help us get that emotional fulfillment that we crave. Except when we take that mood changer and the effect wears off, we are back in a far worse place then when we started and this place gets worse and worse until the addict in you takes over from your normal self.

 

The one thing I know I have to do before entering a new relationship is to get my myself sorted 110%. I'm getting there but it is a long, slow process. You HAVE to do the same right now. I can see her point of view. She has a young daughter and there should be NO substance abuse near a young kid and I too would have zero tolerance for this, so I can see why she left you. Especially since you lied to her about it.

 

You need this time to heal yourself once and for all. I would write to her before you go total NC. I would tell her that you are determined to beat this and that you need time to get yourself back on track (you can't rush this). I highly recommend you go to Therapy and join a support group. There is no point trying to win her back now. You are still in the addiction phase, so all your promises to her will be viewed as empty one's. If it's real love she will find a way back to you. If it's not your future lyes with someone else. Just make sure you give yourself the best possible chance to have a real future whether it be this girl or someone with else and you can only do this by getting yourself sorted.

 

Here is an article I wrote on the addictive personality -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/ I wish you well mate. I really do. I know what you are going through and if you need any support, just drop me a line..

Edited June 8, 2011 by Mack05

[Nantucket1984]

Friends,

 

Thanks for the replies that was helpful. The crazy part is I am still using. She thinks I have been clean and have been going to meetings. I tell her this which is a complete lie. You are probably thinking that I dont love her because I am lying. Thats not true but I am addicted to pills and her. I guess its because shes the first person in my life that I feel really does care about me. But then I think if she cared she should be by my side through this.

 

I am just a mess right now. A lot has happened to me in the last 2 months. Break ups, addiction, trying to stay sober, death of a loved one, not really getting attention from the ex. All that drives me to want to use because it makes me feel "temporarily" better. I know what the right thing to do is but I just havent done it.

 

All I think about everyday is how much I hurt her and how much I miss her and her daughter. I miss her attention and her wanting to see me. She doesnt realize that even though she has a right to feel and be like this, that its not helping me stay clean. Everyones advice makes sense it really does. I need to work on myself first but I feel like I am never going to FULLY heal until I know she forgives me and wants to fix our relationship.

 

I am hoping for something that is totally out of my hands but thats what my brain is thinking right now.

[2sunny]

Friends,

 

Thanks for the replies that was helpful. The crazy part is I am still using. She thinks I have been clean and have been going to meetings. I tell her this which is a complete lie. You are probably thinking that I dont love her because I am lying. Thats not true but I am addicted to pills and her. I guess its because shes the first person in my life that I feel really does care about me. But then I think if she cared she should be by my side through this.

 

I am just a mess right now. A lot has happened to me in the last 2 months. Break ups, addiction, trying to stay sober, death of a loved one, not really getting attention from the ex. All that drives me to want to use because it makes me feel "temporarily" better. I know what the right thing to do is but I just havent done it.

 

All I think about everyday is how much I hurt her and how much I miss her and her daughter. I miss her attention and her wanting to see me. She doesnt realize that even though she has a right to feel and be like this, that its not helping me stay clean. Everyones advice makes sense it really does. I need to work on myself first but I feel like I am never going to FULLY heal until I know she forgives me and wants to fix our relationship.

 

I am hoping for something that is totally out of my hands but thats what my brain is thinking right now.

 

so you offered her your broken self that she already said she didn't want.

 

do NOT contact her.

 

get help. go to meetings. get detox. get long term sobriety before making a decision with any gal.

 

what medicine are you taking? oxy?

[Nantucket1984]

so you offered her your broken self that she already said she didn't want.

 

do NOT contact her.

 

get help. go to meetings. get detox. get long term sobriety before making a decision with any gal.

 

what medicine are you taking? oxy?

 

nope. perks or vicodin. I never take more then 4-6 a day because of the tylenol. even a small amount gets you hooked. I thought after not doing them for 4 years I wouldnt get addicted. I thought wrong. thanks for your advice 2sunny, I know its the right thing to do.

[2sunny]

nope. perks or vicodin. I never take more then 4-6 a day because of the tylenol. even a small amount gets you hooked. I thought after not doing them for 4 years I wouldnt get addicted. I thought wrong. thanks for your advice 2sunny, I know its the right thing to do.

 

because i have that addictive gene - and have been to hell and back - i choose not to alter my body and/or mind with anything.

 

one day at a time... get to a meeting. go to meetings a lot - get a sponsor, work the steps, start helping others.

 

get healthy... i wish you well brother. xo

[whatdoido1717]

Drugs are Bad...

[Nantucket1984]

Hey Friends,

 

Does anyone have anymore advice for me regarding the issue I am going through with my ex. I feel like I dont know who she is anymore. Especially since a family member of mine passed away a few days ago, I feel whatever grudge she has for me should of been pushed to the side for the time being.

I shouldnt have sent her a text the other night saying she was rude for not calling me back and checking in on me but deep inside me I felt it was wrong for her not to see how I am during a time like this.

 

No one likes being lied to and I know shes hurt and dissapointed in me. I should of backed off for a while when this happened 7 weeks ago but I didnt. I kept wanting to talk, I kept wanting to see her. I was confused how someone can leave you like that when your addicted. I thought if you love someone you help them through it.

 

Throughout the 7 weeks she always picked up when I called but I could tell she wasnt very happy. Its hard to see her like this and its hard for me to accept that she told me to leave her alone yesterday after a family member of mine passed away. She told me to stop pushing her.

 

Its hard for my brain to understand this. Even though I screwed up and hid my addiction from her throughout our entire 6 month relationship I feel like its something that can be forgiven. At least after 7 weeks things should improve. Just having a hard time with everything right now.

[Nantucket1984]

anyone out there? lol

[Mack05]

I feel your pain bro. I have been there.

 

I told my ex that I was a recovering gambling addict at the end of our relationship and she used it against me, to not want to be with me. I think you need to take a few things into prespective here. I think it's impossible to love someone after 6 months. Sure it feels like Love because you have a very special connection and that the emotions you are feeling are very intense. But there is a BIG different between intensity and intimacy. The truth is, true intimacy and Love takes time to develop (a lot longer then 6 months). My ex told me that I was the love of her life after 4 months which is a ridiculous thing to say. 6 weeks later she the tells me she's not sure she ever loved me.

 

I did what you you are doing now. Focused on the how could she tell me I was the love of her life and then 6 weeks later, go to be so cruel and cold. By focusing on them that means we avoid having to face our own demons and that's how you become addicted in the first place. By running away from your demons and feelings and look for a quick fix which will help us get that emotional fulfillment that we crave. Except when we take that mood changer and the effect wears off, we are back in a far worse place then when we started and this place gets worse and worse until the addict in you takes over from your normal self.

 

The one thing I know I have to do before entering a new relationship is to get my myself sorted 110%. I'm getting there but it is a long, slow process. You HAVE to do the same right now. I can see her point of view. She has a young daughter and there should be NO substance abuse near a young kid and I too would have zero tolerance for this, so I can see why she left you. Especially since you lied to her about it.

 

You need this time to heal yourself once and for all. I would write to her before you go total NC. I would tell her that you are determined to beat this and that you need time to get yourself back on track (you can't rush this). I highly recommend you go to Therapy and join a support group. There is no point trying to win her back now. You are still in the addiction phase, so all your promises to her will be viewed as empty one's. If it's real love she will find a way back to you. If it's not your future lyes with someone else. Just make sure you give yourself the best possible chance to have a real future whether it be this girl or someone with else and you can only do this by getting yourself sorted.

 

Here is an article I wrote on the addictive personality -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/ I wish you well mate. I really do. I know what you are going through and if you need any support, just drop me a line..

 

dude I don't think we can give you anymore advice. You can only help yourself, if you actually really want to help yourself. You don't seem to want to help yourself. There is great advice given to you on this thread. Up to you what you want to do with it

[carhill]

NA.org

 

Take one positive step today.

 

If she loves you, she will value the positive steps you take. If not, then she is meaningless and another will take her place. The positive steps are for you, and you alone. The love of another is a bonus. Love of self is elemental.

[Nantucket1984]

dude I don't think we can give you anymore advice. You can only help yourself, if you actually really want to help yourself. You don't seem to want to help yourself. There is great advice given to you on this thread. Up to you what you want to do with it

 

I do want to help myself because what i am currently doing is not really helping anything in my life. I guess i was just looking for support because I feel like everything around me is falling apart. And i hate seeing that a person that loved me pain. All I want to do is make it better and fix it right away. That doesnt seem to be working. its just hard to stay positive right now.

[Nantucket1984]

Carhill,

 

I guess what I am afraid of is the more time you spend apart without contact the more your going to forget that person and the heart moves on. She knows I was very, very good to her and her child. Her partents and siblings even told her I was good to her and her daughter. She would sometimes let me have her child the whole day even though she could get her parents to watch the kid.

 

Since it takes a while to stay sober and see change I am afraid that while I am staying clean and sober there may be a new dad in the childs life and it is hard for me to accept that because I miss them both. She said she doesnt want to be with anyone right now and get disrespected again but all girls say that.

 

She also found out she has a health problem that is going to be with her forever so she is very emotionally depressed and says she doesnt know who she is anymore. Of course this was all talked about before that fight yesterday. I feel like I am obligated to be there for her and help her through these rough patches but I need to help myself too.

 

She obv doesnt want to be with me right now and prob doesnt trust me still. I dont know why I cant comprehend that, give her space and help myself.

[Mack05]

I do want to help myself because what i am currently doing is not really helping anything in my life. I guess i was just looking for support because I feel like everything around me is falling apart. And i hate seeing that a person that loved me pain. All I want to do is make it better and fix it right away. That doesnt seem to be working. its just hard to stay positive right now.

 

That's just it mate you can't make it better and fix it right away. I have said this in numerous threads. I don't believe in the one. I think we can meet people who we have a special connection with and fall in love. The people we end up with, alot of it has to do with timing. You both being in a great place and both wanting to spend the rest of your lives together. Some relationships fail because the timing isn't right. This is probably a good example. Who knows what might have happened if you met whilst you were not in the middle of an addiction. But you are..

 

You have 2 choices here. You can continue to obsess over this girl driving her further and further away from you. Obessing why she didn't do this and that. Doing that means you can avoid your own problems and focus all your energy on her. When your not doing focusing on her, then you can continue to beat yourself up over and over again for your mistakes you made in the relationship and how you ever became an addict. Then when that gets too much you take painkillers when you are feeling low to help you avoid dealing with the pain and give you a temporary mood change. Take this path you will make a bigger and bigger mess of your life.

 

Option 2: is to respect her wishes and let her go. Once you do that then go to Therapy and deal with your demons. Also, join a support group to help you through your addiction. By doing this you are focusing on yourself 100% and giving you the best chance to get your life back on track. Option 2 is the hardest. Indeed it is a massive test of character. The biggest test you will ever face. There is NO quick fix. Getting back on track will take months if not years. Beat your addictions and demons and you will go on to live a rich and fulfilling life. Staying where you are now, trust me your on a path to self destrcution.

 

LET HER GO. Stop obsessing and accept what has happened. No excuses. You keep making excuses the addict is winning the battle over your normal self..I been there buddy. I am still in the middle of my battle but I am winning it and I will beat my demons. I hope and pray you do too..

Edited June 9, 2011 by Mack05

[Nantucket1984]

That's just it mate you can't make it better and fix it right away. I have said this in numerous threads. I don't believe in the one. I think we can meet people who we have a special connection with and fall in love. The people we end up with, alot of it has to do with timing. You both being in a great place and both wanting to spend the rest of your lives together. Some relationships fail because the timing isn't right. This is probably a good example. Who knows what might have happened if you met whilst you were not in the middle of an addiction. But you are..

 

You have 2 choices here. You can continue to obsess over this girl driving her further and further away from you. Obessing why she didn't do this and that. Doing that means you can avoid your own problems and focus all your energy on her. When your not doing focusing on her, then you can continue to beat yourself up over and over again for your mistakes you made in the relationship and how you ever became an addict. Then when that gets too much you take painkillers when you are feeling low to help you avoid dealing with the pain and give you a temporary mood change. Take this path you will make a bigger and bigger mess of your life.

 

Option 2: is to respect her wishes and let her go. Once you do that then go to Therapy and deal with your demons. Also, join a support group to help you through your addiction. By doing this you are focusing on yourself 100% and giving you the best chance to get your life back on track. Option 2 is the hardest. Indeed it is a massive test of character. The biggest test you will ever face. There is NO quick fix. Getting back on track will take months if not years. Beat your addictions and demons and you will go on to live a rich and fulfilling life. Staying where you are now, trust me your on a path to self destrcution.

 

LET HER GO. Stop obsessing and accept what has happened. No excuses. You keep making excuses the addict is winning the battle over your normal self..I been there buddy. I am still in the middle of my battle but I am winning it and I will beat my demons. I hope and pray you do too..

 

Mack,

 

Thank you. Of course option 2 is the right thing to do and no matter what I am thinking I need to go down that route. I hope you stay on the successfull path you are currently on.

[kmj]

I completely understand why you're so distraught, but I think that at this point she's upset because you're more concerned with seeing her and getting back together than fixing yourself. Which should be your number 1 priority.

 

If she has a child, then she's right to be very protective. She wants to get better, give her some time to move past this, and then show her that you have indeed changed and are ready to move forward. If you keep calling her and disrespecting her wishes, she'll never come around. You need to do what's asked of you, it's really the only way to fix it. I know that in my situation, if my ex had just given me some time to myself, I probably would have come around. But he didn't and thus, here I am. Don't make the same mistake.

[Lillith74]

I was also in a shorter relationship (7 months) in which the guy I was with told me I was the love of his life. He broke up with me out of the blue to go back to an ex- which never happened and now he says he just wants someone new bc he never really had a spark with me. I vacationed with this man and texted all day- and he constantly told me how much he loved me up till the end. I knew his kids well and we were planning a trip to Disney together. It's been 5 weeks now- and I'm still a mess- I sleep almost all the time when not working. It's been 4 days of NC at this point and everyone on here tells me I don't have a chance. I am hoping NC and time will bring him back- but absolutely NC! I hope the best for you- do not let people tell you a shorter relationship is trivial or not real love.