kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Sorry this is gonna be long. But i really need help. Please. And thanks. ;( My boyfriend and I met in June 2010, and had feelings for each other. He went back to another country to continue his studies. We text everyday. Things went on pretty steadily until August, two days before he came back, i went clubbing with a bunch of my friends after a lot of pestering. It was my first time going clubbing. I refused to drink at first but gave in in the end after my friends kept forcing me. After drinking a bit, under the influence of alcohol, i became unaware that i continued on drinking. In total, i drank about 3 small bottles of beer. There were 3 boys, and 5 girls including me. My friends and i went to the dancefloor and i was never exposed to stuffs like these, therefore i just stuck with another girl friend and had our hands on each others' shoulders and swing around. We were never left alone, not even for one second. We didn't interact with any strangers. We went there merely for exposure's sake. After that, we went out of the club and i tripped and fell down. Therefore, two boy friends who had more strength had my arms over their shoulders and supported me up. To stand straight and to make sure i am standing already. Then, a boy friend of ours took out the camera & started talking pictures. Coincidences do happen, earlier on, he took a picture of me which looked like i was enjoying myself, dancing; and a picture of that two boy friends holding onto me. For both incidents which happened merely for seconds. Just my luck. He then posted it on his blog and my boyfriend saw it. My boyfriend was very disturbed & bothered by that fact but he kept it to himself. I was from a Christian family and i've never allowed physical contact with any other guys. Nothing happened that night. I did not do anything which i shouldn't. Besides going clubbing & consuming alcohol. (I admit fault for two of this. I terribly regretted.) I've seeked my parents' permission before going clubbing & they allowed, for exposure's sake. They trust that i won't be like other girls out there who allow physical intimacy with guys. After this incident, in December, he asked me to be his girlfriend & of course, i agreed. Since we have already been going on steady for half a year. He's considered my first boyfriend. He's the first person i've cuddled with, kiss, and made love with. (Although it wasn't his first. Before he met me, he had 6 exs before and lost his first kiss & made out with them before. One of them, to the extend that the girl had rubbed against his private part before.) Another incident was that, two weeks after we got together, we went to a resort with a bunch of friends and there was this guy who can't stop talking. It was in my nature to care for every single person. So, everytime that guy talked to me, i just responded. That guy was more or less an attention seeker(i think?). He kept sitting on the floor when more than 10 of us(mixture of girls and boys) were on the bed. I thought the floor was dirty so i kept asking him to go on the bed. At that time, i was on the bed, cuddling with my boyfriend. (He feels neglected but he didn't let me know. And i didn't notice too. I was considered never a girlfriend to anyone that's why i didn't know how to consider their feelings so much.) That same night, my boyfriend & i took another room connected to our friends' room & we made out in there on the bed. Our first making out session. My first. The following morning, i went over to the friends' room and saw that attention seeker guy sleeping on the floor because there were nowhere for him to sleep. Thus, i asked him to join me & my boyfriend in the other room. Boyfriend was still sleeping so i didn't move him, just slept in the middle. After a while, the guy was hungry and asked me to go for breakfast with him. I thought we could have a quick one and be back before boyfie's awake. Before leaving, i text boyfie and told him where i'm going, with who, and i'll be back shortly. Apparently i was a lousy gf who didn't know how to consider his feelings. I didn't think he'd feel that bad bout it. This two incidents, he could never forget them. He holds them against me since then until today. The clubbing incident disturbs him all the time as he feels that other guys must have touched me before during that night. But in fact, nobody did. I've explained to him what exactly happened that night but he still gets disturbed like once in two-three days. Another thing is that, my mum is someone who doesn't mind exposing her cleavage when dressing. Naturally, i was brought up to be like her. Although i never deliberately expose, occasionally a little bit of my cleavage would appear. He never told me that he dislikes it until we were together for a few months. If he told me, i would have been cautious & alert and ensure i don't expose anything. I used to have a facebook profile picture which was cleavage-exposing and that time, he commented gorgeous on it. But now, he told me that he was actually disturbed & bothered. He keeps getting disturbed by the fact that other guys have seen it. Since he told me, i was alert & cautious in the sense of dressing already. Tell me what should i do. The clubbing incident is the main concern. He gets disturbed over it everyday. I can tell that he loves me a lot & doesn't want to lose me. But he just gets disturbed all the time. I really don't know what else can i do. I don't want to lose him. Honestly, i've made love with him and as a Christian, virginity matters a lot to me. To me, he's already the only person I wanna marry. If we parted up, i wouldn't get a boyfriend anymore. I really don't know what else can i do. I love him a lot. Both our parents are supportive of our relationship. Next year, i'll be going over to where he is to pursue tertiary education. But if he still gets disturbed, it'd really be hell for me. Maybe we should part up? I don't know. I'm helpless. Please give me advises
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Well, you can consistently reassure and support him...but at the end of the day, he has to be the one that works on his own issues. If he can't, then his feelings are going to cause a lot of resentment for both of you in the future.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Btw, we both lost our virginity to each other. I've been constantly reassuring him & never did i repeat my mistakes. But i don't get why is he still disturbed. It's been so long. A year ago's incident. And i've forgiven the pasts he had with the girls. What can i do? ;(
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I used to go out a lot at night with my girl friends for supper but they're all Christians and we never did anything bad. Regardless, the idea of me staying out late disturbs him. Anyway, since he told me, i never went out late anymore. I even stopped going out during the days because i find it so pointless and that i can't skype with him. Whenever we're physically together, things are fine and sweet, whenever we're not, he gets disturbed.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks but i can't get over him. He's the person i've lost my virginity to, he's the person whom i love. I want this relationship to work. ;(
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks but i can't get over him. He's the person i've lost my virginity to, he's the person whom i love. I want this relationship to work. ;( It's good that you want this relationship to work... But does he? If so, he needs to make the effort to work through his issues. You can tell him this again and again but he has to be the one that does it.
Ouroboros Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks but i can't get over him. He's the person i've lost my virginity to, he's the person whom i love. I want this relationship to work. ;( But if he can't forgive you then it has been damaged in a way it won't recover from. It is your choice to stay. Many remain in broken relationships hoping for something to improve but they stay broken. The only solution is to start over with someone new. Each relationship has its breaking point from which it can't be restored.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah he wants it to work too. From what he's told me, he's been trying really hard. I've seen him suffer. His school counselor even brought him to see a psychiatrist cause they think that this is giving him depression. But he doesn't want to break up. Neither do i want it but i don't mind, for his welfare. However he refuses, he asked me to bear with him for this year until next year when we can spend together forever and he'll be fine. But what if he still gets disturbed? ;( Thanks so much, OldOnTheInside. Yes, i know he has to be the one that does it. But what can i do to help?
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Ouroboros, but i can't start over with anyone new anymore. He's the only person i love. Lost my virginity to him. I cannot accept making love with two person. He is my one and only. If we broke up, i'm determined to stay single for life. It makes me impure to be with someone else after losing my virginity.
Ouroboros Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 It isn't the best plan to be with your SO based solely on the fact you made love with him first and you shared your virginity with him.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Ouroboros, is it really irretrievable? But he do loves me a lot a lot. Otherwise he wouldn't even mind bout those pasts, isn't it? And he's been saying that he can't live without me. He does really sweet stuffs & he's really trying very hard already. ;(
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Ouroboros, is it really irretrievable? But he do loves me a lot a lot. Otherwise he wouldn't even mind bout those pasts, isn't it? And he's been saying that he can't live without me. He does really sweet stuffs & he's really trying very hard already. ;( Things may or may not work out. If you are 100% sure that you wish to stay with him...then you just need to be patient and let him work out his problems. If I may ask, how old are you two?
Ouroboros Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 A relationship isn't just about love. It also needs to be stable otherwise it is unhealthy for those involved and will ruin each of them. When things are at their best this will always be in the background gnawing at him and when things are at their worst it will be up front center stage. For the remainder of the relationship you'll be forced to live with it. It won't go away. Love can't conquer all hurt, pain, and misery.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Do i ignore him and let him have some time alone, to think about all these himself? Apparently my words would only make him feel like i'm defending myself. We're 17. As young as this may sound, we're very serious about each other. We've met both our parents and we've went out for family vacations together. We're planning to get engaged in the near future.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Is there any way i can make him forget about these past? Forgiving & forgetting his pasts wasn't easy for me too. But i've done it.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Is there any way i can get him to forget it? Forgetting & forgiving his pasts wasn't an easy task too. But i've made it.
zedd Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 What have you done? How old are you too? I've had issues like that with girflriends. When they told me they know that it was not quite right what they have done in the past, told me they love me and never want to cheat on me but be with me, it made it a lot easier for me to forgive and to forget. Mind you that it doesn't happen overnight - you gotta be patient.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 What have you done? How old are you too? I've had issues like that with girflriends. When they told me they know that it was not quite right what they have done in the past, told me they love me and never want to cheat on me but be with me, it made it a lot easier for me to forgive and to forget. Mind you that it doesn't happen overnight - you gotta be patient. zedd, it's been a year and he still can't get over it. we're 17. conservative asians and we're extremely serious bout our relationship. i've been telling him that since the first time he brought this up. it's been half a year since i first reassured him. since then, i reassure him once in two days, whenever he brings it up.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 btw zedd, the story is in page one. sorry that it may be very long & tiring to read
P&R Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I would not get engauged to this man until he works out this issue. If he cannot get past fixating on things like this then it is time for you to re-asses whether you can live with a man like him. If you decide that you can't then move on. I cannot stress the move on part enough. Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you need to stay with him. It's perfectly normal to go through a couple of sexual partners before you meet somebody you're compatible with. This will save you years of misery and heartache. Another thing to take away from this is each relationship is a learning experience. Even if it doesn't workout you can take something from it. I know in each of my relationships I've discovered many new things about myself and became a better person because of it.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I would not get engauged to this man until he works out this issue. If he cannot get past fixating on things like this then it is time for you to re-asses whether you can live with a man like him. If you decide that you can't then move on. I cannot stress the move on part enough. Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you need to stay with him. It's perfectly normal to go through a couple of sexual partners before you meet somebody you're compatible with. This will save you years of misery and heartache. Another thing to take away from this is each relationship is a learning experience. Even if it doesn't workout you can take something from it. I know in each of my relationships I've discovered many new things about myself and became a better person because of it. P&R, so what can i do to let him work this out? I don't want to leave him. I can't bring myself to do it. I love him too much for that. And i want him to be my one and only.
BetheButterfly Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Do i ignore him and let him have some time alone, to think about all these himself? Apparently my words would only make him feel like i'm defending myself. We're 17. As young as this may sound, we're very serious about each other. We've met both our parents and we've went out for family vacations together. We're planning to get engaged in the near future. Y'all are young. Do you take your beliefs seriously? As a fellow Christian who is older than you, here is my advice. Feel free to take it or leave it. I think you should pray, ask God for wisdom and His help. Then, you should sit down with him and tell him how you are sorry for what happened in the past and that God has forgiven you (because He has, you know that right?) Actually, I personally do not see that you sinned... more like you were just young and naive about the world. I am glad though that you were not raped or hurt in any way, or enslaved into addiction to drugs or alcohol. The reason most Christians do not go to clubs/drink/take drugs is because God wants people to be safe, and to not adopt destructive behaviors. Anyways, i suggest that you allow him the opportunity to show you if he has forgiven you for what he feels like was wrong of you to do. Jesus commands his followers to forgive, and if your boyfriend does forgive you, he will have shown you that he is truly following Jesus' commands. If however he refuses to forgive you, then I would recommend telling him that y'all need to no longer be together if he is going to hold your past against you. Hopefully, he will forgive you and get over this. Remember regardless what he does, God will give you peace if you ask Him. God's love is greater than any other kind of love in the earth.
Author kleenex123 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 BetheButterfly, Thanks. I really need some words in accordance to the vision. I've been constantly apologizing since he first told me he was disturbed. I've been doing whatever i can and i truly regretting for going clubbing too. That once, wrecked our whole relationship. And we've, made love. I know it's really inappropriate to have premarital sex but i don't regret this. For we're mentally married. Please don't take this as some puppy love kind of thing. It really isn't. As Asians, we tend to be more conservative. Anyway, after making love with him, i can't just, ditch the relationship like that. I feel that it's a sign of love now that we're together. But if we broke up, i consider myself "contaminated" & i won't wanna be with anyone else anymore. Please help, i really do need some Christian advices. Yes, i do take my beliefs seriously. ;(
John Michael Kane Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Well you did hurt the man on more than one circumstance....
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