We love each other... and yes we need to break-up. But do we need to sever contact ?

[Karala]

Hello everyone, I'm new here... Won't go into the endless details of my breakup but in a nutshell : I'm 30, he's 25, we love each other dearly but for the whole 3 years and a half that we stayed together, we never really got to make it work, he needed lots of freedom and I needed lots of reassurances, he was feeling trapped and I was feeling unloved.

 

We finally had this talk 3 months ago and agreed we would probably be better off apart. (He agreed a bit more than I did, lol, but still, I could feel that he was right that we needed to let it go)

 

Then I decided it couldn't be the end, I had to do everything I could to make it work and went into the whole "get your ex back strategy" - no contact (for 3 whole months), working on myself, never letting him see how affected I was, dating other people again, going out etc, the whole lot, then finally asking him out for coffee to catch up, arranging a couple other meet-ups and finally telling him about my desire to reconnect and how I felt ready to make it work this time...

 

Only to go back to square one because, duh : those "get your ex back" strategies, they work on trying to re-create lost attraction when the ex says they don't love you anymore, but that was never the issue.

He readily admitted to still being in love with me and hurting a lot because of the breakup, but he still thought it was for the better.

 

I've finally accepted it now and won't try to change his mind anymore. Acceptance is a good place to be, but it still hurts like hell because I still love him as much as ever and he loves me too. I have trouble understanding how you can love someone and not want to be with them but I accept it now. And I can't want it for both of us.

 

He says maybe it could happen in the future but not now. I have no idea what will happen, the one sure thing is I'm NOT pinning all my hopes on him. If some day in the future we find each other again and feel like it could work, great, and that's what I hope in my heart that will happen. But maybe I will be the one to move on before him.

 

For now we're talking things through (which we didn't do 3 months ago because I imposed NC), crying a lot together, laughing a lot to.

 

My main concern is this : do I need to shut him out of my life completely to be able to move on?

There are no hard feelings whatsoever between us, we're each other's best friend and favorite person.

I know he doesn't want me to disappear from his life completely, but would accept any decision that I would make for my best interest.

I'm not talking about being friends, but just staying in light contact, catching up from time to time.

I can now (however much it hurts) accept that we're not a couple anymore, but I can't picture losing him completely.

 

He says going back into a relationship (with me or anyone else) is the last thing in the world he wants for now, so there shouldn't be the issue of having to endure seeing him with another girl. And I'm not ready to look for new love either, I feel like concentrating on myself for now.

 

Can we still love each other from afar, hoping for our feelings to die down as time goes on, or do we need to rip the bandaid off? I don't feel ready for that and I do believe that we can still keep each other (lightly) in each other's life, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

 

Any opinions appreciated!

[lemonlegs]

Most people here will tell you that no contact (NC) is the best route to take.

 

The fact that you still very much want to be with him will make it much harder for you than for him. He has the upper hand here because he wants to try and move on whereas you wanted to reconnect. There's nothing wrong to catching up once in a while, as long as you don't think that it will hinder your ability to move on. Will it hurt you if he tells you the next time that you speak that he's dating another woman or even was intimate with another person? If so, then that's probably a sign that you need to cut all contact, at least until you're sure you're completely over it... which will take longer than a few months.

 

Everyone handles things differently. If you genuinely know that you can handle hearing about his new relationships and feel happy for him and not sad and bitter, then sure, there's nothing wrong with keeping in touch every so often. Many people do it. I think that's maybe something that should be a future goal though and not something to concern yourself with right now. Allow yourself time to heal at least a little bit before you two start talking on a regular basis. Explain that to him and I'm sure he'll understand.

 

Ultimately you have to do what you think will make you happy, but be realistic.

[Karala]

Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer :]

 

The thing is I can't think of a single option that would leave me anything other than utterly miserable.

 

Option #1 : saying goodbye forever and losing him completely, pretty much feels to me like having the person I love most in the world die. In a twisted egoistic sort of way, it feels even worse, because he will go on to (hopefully) be happy without me. (Of course I want him to be happy but the idea of him being happy without me still hurts like hell)

 

And option #2 : staying in contact but having to see him thrive without me and obsessing about him flirting with other girls, hurts equally much.

 

Honestly, I know I would lose it completely if he told me he was interested in someone else. But hey, it's been only a couple of days since I've mentally registered that the relationship is over for real. Maybe with some time I could get to a point where I could handle that notion.

 

Also, like I said, he tells me that going into another relationship is the last thing in the world he wants for now. I tell him "you never know" and he says no, he means it seriously.

Of course that doesn't mean he won't flirt or sleep with other girls, but I guess he doesn't have to tell me all about it.

I've asked him about those 3 months spent apart and he's done nothing more than kissing a couple of girls when out in a bar.

 

I'm dreaming that there could be an option #3 : feeling 100% at peace with the idea that breaking up is the best thing for both of us, quit obsessing about him so much and about what will happen and how I will handle things, and focus on myself completely.

 

I'm very scared that getting over him will take me years and years.

 

I want to respect his will and I want to be able to move on, but however I try to wrap it up, the idea of losing him just feels like going insane with pain. Like screaming-in-my-pillow-and-punching-things-type pain.

 

I'me very concerned that those 3 months of separation have done nothing to make the pain less intense. If it continues to go at this speed, will it take me another two decades to heal?

 

This is why I think maybe going at it slow and waiting for ME to want to shut him out of my life (because I'll have realized that it's best for me) would be a better option, rather than trying to force myself to do it now just because rationally I figure that's the reasonable thing to do.

[WTRanger]

Yeah, staying in contact is pretty much the worst thing for you at this point. One reason is you'll drive him away with your obsession about what he's up to in his single life. And, yes, you will find out from him about his new squeeze and that will cause you pain like you wish you never felt. Then, you'll feel like a fool because it was self-inflicted pain since you needed to stay in contact with him even though you know it's best not to.

 

You just don't want to sever contact because then it means the relationship is officially over. But you know what? To get to that option 3 of being at peace with things, means you have to accept it sooner or later than you two are officially broken up. Once you stop trying to resist the fact that the two of you just are not compatible, stop trying to fit that square peg in the round hole so to speak, you'll see that the healing process becomes much easier.

 

Who says you can't thrive without him? Stop worrying so much about his life and start worrying about YOURS.

 

You don't need to forever disappear from his life, but until those romantic feelings are gone you simply can't make it work as "just friends" becuase you really won't be a friend. You won't be happy for him if he finds a new girl, you'll hate her and you'll resent him. That really doesn't sound like a good friend does it? It really is just that simple.

[carhill]

we never really got to make it work, he needed lots of freedom and I needed lots of reassurances, he was feeling trapped and I was feeling unloved.

Does this sound healthy to you?

 

 

If not, what has changed?

 

 

Absent your emotional attachment, mindful of the quote above, what health do you see *at all* in the future for this? You and he gave it 3+ years. You lived it. The quote above is the result. Accept it. You both *did* get your chance. It didn't work out. Timing, incompatibility, immaturity, who knows? It doesn't matter.

 

I'll repeat something I've often said on these forums, and that is the value of acceptance. I do not take credit for it. Our MC is responsible for that lesson. Best lesson I ever learned about relationships.

 

Welcome to LS and good luck

[Karala]

Thanks for your replies :]

 

And nevermind that initial question. Things have shifted very quickly yesterday.

 

Yesterday night we had a sort of official good-bye evening with him and my parents (who he was also very close to), that was my iniative. Since I'm staying at my parents' for the moment and they're the ones who are helping me go through this, I thought it would be a good idea to talk it out together and try and give me closure. Everyone was open to the idea and agreed.

 

It was a very, very emotional evening, lots of crying, lots of hugging, you get the picture... But all very peaceful and overall, an athmosphere of love and acceptance.

It was painful to be together and know that it was the last time, but it was good to feel the love and the acceptance rising above everything else. My mother especially, she and my ex liked each other very much, they hugged and cried together and my mother told him our home would always be his and he could always count on them. Very emotional, lol, I know, but it's just the truth, and it was a beautiful thing to witness.

 

Then when the evening ended I felt like I was ready. Like everything had been said and done. I felt closure. I felt ready to let him go.

Deep in my heart I knew that severing contact completely, at least for now, was the thing to do, I just thought I couldn't face it.

 

Allf of sudden I felt the strenght to do it. And I knew I had to do it now, when I felt ready to let him go peacefully and gracefully.

 

I almost had to (very gently and kindly) press him.

Oh God, it reminded me of when my cat had cancer a few months ago and I had to take the decision to put him down. You don't want to think too much, but you just know you're doing the right decision, that you're acting from love, and deep down you're at peace.

 

I didn't even cry. I just looked at him and smiled with all my heart and all my love for him. We didn't even speak, no need for corny lines like a la Titanic "go and be happy". We just hugged for a long time and looked into each other's eyes and smiled. And then I tapped him gently on his arm and off he went. "Go home safely' I said, "Take care", he replied, and he left.

 

It was such a beautiful moment. I wish all the people in the world who have to face the pain of separating from the one they love more than anything, could have the chance of letting their loved one go feeling so much love for them and from them.

 

I know that real healing begins now. It's only the beginning and I know it's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I know it's for the best and I'm at peace, however much it hurts.

 

Deep in my heart I still think we're soulmates and wish that some day -not anytime soon, not before many, many months, maybe years - we can reconnect and make it work this time, but I won't ever try to force it again. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Maybe I'll be the one to move on before him. It's a new life for me now and I don't even know where I'll stand in a few months time.

 

Thanks a lot to anybody who took the time to read, it felt good to write.

[Karala]

Just bumping this thread.. If anybody has any feedback on my tear-jerking closure story, it would feel good to read.

[Exit]

Sounds like you found a good way to wrap things up. I hope it sticks. It does sound like a nice goodbye, so hopefully it doesn't get ruined by someone deciding to say "hey what's up?" three days later lol.

 

I tried to do the same thing with my ex and it did end up failing still. We had a tearful goodbye one day, she took off the jacket I had given her and folded it up and ran her fingers over it one last time before giving it back to me. We hugged and cried and agreed that it wouldn't be goodbye forever and sometime in the near future we would meet up for a meal or something. Then we continued on and off frustrating contact for a few more weeks lol.

 

Everyone's situation is different. I hope you really do feel that you've gotten closure and that this is the best for now. You can do it. If anyone is going to mess it up and get in touch, let it be him.

[Karala]

Sounds like you found a good way to wrap things up. I hope it sticks. It does sound like a nice goodbye, so hopefully it doesn't get ruined by someone deciding to say "hey what's up?" three days later lol.

 

I know I will stick to my decision, and I'm as sure as I can be that he will too. It has been so painful for both of us, I think we just want to move on from the pain now. We have been NC for 2 months prior to that and neither of us ever cracked. Even when I was screaming in my pillow because the pain was so bad, I never contacted him. I only did when I felt I was in control and could have a reasonable talk with him to try one last time to see if he had any interest left in repairing things.

 

We had a tearful goodbye one day, she took off the jacket I had given her and folded it up and ran her fingers over it one last time before giving it back to me.

 

It's so weird that you're telling this story because something very similar happened for us : as he was leaving, and picking up his jacket, he handed it to me and asked if I wanted to keep it. I took it in my hands and buried my face in it one last time, then handed it back to him with a smile and said "It's all in my heart... You will always be in my heart". I think these are the last words I said to him, apart from "Go home safely". I'm sobbing as I'm telling this story. It's ripping me apart especially because when we got together 4 years ago, after those dreamy first days we spent together, he forgot his T-shirt and I kept it and slept with it for a long time anytime we were apart ; and once some time after he made a comment that I never really even asked him if he wanted it back, I just sort of decided it was mine to keep now. And then some time later in the relationship I gave it back to him, as if to recognize to me and to him that I didn't want to act and feel like a small child in this relationship anymore.

 

Oh God I tried so hard to not feel so needy and despondent anymore. I tried for years, but I never could do it. Lately I was feeling ready to move on from that at last, but it was probably just wishful thinking. He's right, we would have probably just got back to our old dysfonctinal relationship and broken up later, only more bruised and having suffered that much more.

 

 

 

We hugged and cried and agreed that it wouldn't be goodbye forever and sometime in the near future we would meet up for a meal or something. Then we continued on and off frustrating contact for a few more weeks lol.

 

For my ex and I, we also agreed that it wasn't good-bye forever, but that seeing each other again wouldn't happen any time soon. We arbitrarily agreed that roughly a year apart from each other would be a good estimate. Of course, there's no telling exactly how long moving on will take each of us, but that gives you an idea of the timeframe we're thinking about.

 

Everyone's situation is different. I hope you really do feel that you've gotten closure and that this is the best for now. You can do it. If anyone is going to mess it up and get in touch, let it be him.

 

Yes, I am feeling closure and very grateful for how things have ended. The pain is immense, but I know it could be so much worse. It was much worse for the last 3 months, when the situation wasn't clear and we were keeping tabs on each other through Facebook and I was harbouring hope that we would be back together soon.

 

If anyone is going to mess it up and get in touch, let it be him.

 

I'm as sure as I can be that he won't do it either, he knows I don't want it and he loves and respects me too much to not respect my will. He knows that for now, he can only contact me again when he's ready to be with me and do anything to work through our issues. And as much as I would love that more than anything in the world, as much as I would gladly give up years of my life time for that to happen, I know it's not happening.

 

Thanks for your kind words Exit.

[Karala]

It's been a week now. Just a week ago at the same hour, we were saying our good-byes.

 

And I just noticed today is the first day I didn't cry.

I guess I'm not holding up that bad after all.

[RuinedLife]

I can relate to a lot of the things you mention about your relationship, mainly because I too am insecure and need a lot of reassurance and my ex needs a lot of space.

 

Only in my case things ended on a horrible note. As you know, an argument started by me because of my insecurities so that makes me very responsible and guilty for my break up even though a million different people have each told me a million times it seems that its not all my fault. I can accept that view of events for awhile when someone makes an argument to that effect, but it seems it doesn't last and my feelings of guilt, regret and self-hatred overwhelm me yet again.

 

I love my ex so much and I know he knows this. But the cold hard truth is he lacks the empathy or ability to understand my anxiety and insecurity issues. I don't blame him though, because quite honestly I don't understand them myself. And I hate this side of me, this paranoid and negative side.

 

I've always wanted to be a laid back person, an unemotional person and yet so far I have failed.