kiss_andmakeup Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 It's over 6 weeks since my relationship ended, and though it is not according to my original plan, I have started to date someone. Originally I had thought I would stay single for a while and just take time for myself. But I went out to a local bar a few weeks ago with friends to watch a game and serendipitously ended up meeting a pretty awesome guy. We chatted a lot throughout the night and ended up exchanging numbers. We've been on several dates since and things are going great. We have an uncanny amount of things in common, from musical taste, to favorite movies/TV shows, to quirky interests and hobbies. Conversation is effortless and non-stop, chemistry is undeniable, and laughter is plentiful. I like him. A lot. So there is no problem there. The problem is with me. The guy I'm speaking of is: -very conventionally attractive (tall, lean & muscular, handsome facial features) -very highly educated -very successful career-wise -funny, kind, intelligent, and socially at ease -still relatively young (30) Basically, all his ducks are in a row. And while I consider myself intelligent, my job is significantly farther down the "career chain" from his. I attended college (on a full scholarship, actually) but did not complete my degree. I instead switched to a trade school of sorts for my particular career choice, and completed my education there. I know that I'm at least average looking, maybe somewhat attractive. I think I have a good personality and have a lot of positive traits. The unfortunate thought that keeps creeping up in the back of my mind is: "This guy probably has a very wide selection of women who would date him. Why is he interested in moderately-attractive-at-best, significantly less-educated, regular old me?" Then I consider my last relationship. While my ex had a lot of positive traits (which are a bit harder for me to identify in hindsight due to everything that happened), he also had a lot of conventionally "unappealing" traits: he was pretty significantly overweight, had a job that paid him less than $30,000/yr after taxes, he was no taller than me (note that this did not bother me hence why I used the term "conventionally unappealing"), and he had a tendency to be socially awkward (even went so far as to refuse to go to parties/social events with me). Considering that we were together for three years and none of the above traits were the ending factor in our relationship, please don't jump down my throat for attacking his job, his looks, or his height, because that's not what I'm trying to do. My point in all of this is that here I had a boyfriend who was certainly far from perfect, and yet in the end I still couldn't keep him interested. Now I meet a guy who, while of course is also not perfect, is significantly closer to it. And to boot, he likes me. A lot. He texts me every day (not in a needy way - just light conversation) and calls me once or twice between dates to chat. He has initiated exclusivity, which I am fine with since I'm not interested in multi-dating. All signs are go. And for the most part I'm really enjoying it. Except for that little voice in the back of my head that says: "You're not good enough." Before anyone asks, this guy has never done or said anything to make me feel this way. He asks me about my job and sympathizes with me over a bad day just as I do with him. He doesn't talk down to me, patronize me, or make me feel like anything less than his equal. So how do I deal with these feelings?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Looks like your ex's predictions about your dating future were all wrong -- just like him. I was in this situation with my last boyfriend. He was very good-looking, oozed sex, and attracted attention from women all over the place. I also had the best sex of my life with him -- every single time was terrific. Everything was at its best when I was self-assured, relaxed, and confident. If this guy wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't be behaving the way he is. The only thing for you to do is enjoy it! Will some other woman turn his head someday? Maybe. Maybe not. You have no control over that. The only thing you can control is your own behavior -- and confident and relaxed is the way to be. Good luck!
Kamille Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't remember the details of your last relationship, but here's a thought, actually drawn from experience: Maybe your ex felt you were too good for him, and that's why he never allowed himself to get fully invested. Did your ex ever say anything like : "you're too good for me?". But, FYI, I've always had those "what those this great guy see in me" jitters at the beginning of relationships. It's a good sign, IME. It just means you're really into him.
tigressA Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 First thing I have to say is "Chin up, grrrrrl!" I have seen your pictures, you are EFFING GORGEOUS, so shut your mouth about being "somewhat attractive". Here's a smiley so you know I'm not being a b*tch about it. About the career stuff--I am so totally with you on that. I'm actually unemployed at the moment and have no idea what I want to do with my life, while my BF has a successful job in a sector that will keep him very gainfully employed pretty much no matter what. He's also really good-looking and blah blah blah, so I sometimes think, "WHY is he with me, again?" I forget sometimes that relationships are not really about social status or career choice. I certainly didn't size up my BF that way when we first started dating, and he didn't with me either. We like what we like. This guy likes YOU. You, with all the choices you have made up to this point and will make in the future. So do as RS says--be confident, relax and have an awesome time basking in mutual awesomeness with this awesome new guy.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I just have to add that I have seen your pics too and you are OMG STUNNINGLY HOT. There, it had to be said.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 As always, the lovely ladies at LS come through with some excellent advice. Looks like your ex's predictions about your dating future were all wrong -- just like him. I was in this situation with my last boyfriend. He was very good-looking, oozed sex, and attracted attention from women all over the place. I also had the best sex of my life with him -- every single time was terrific. Everything was at its best when I was self-assured, relaxed, and confident. If this guy wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't be behaving the way he is. The only thing for you to do is enjoy it! Will some other woman turn his head someday? Maybe. Maybe not. You have no control over that. The only thing you can control is your own behavior -- and confident and relaxed is the way to be. Good luck! You are absolutely right. The things I worry about are out of my control - all I can do is be my best self. I think I've done a good job of keeping these insecurities to myself so far; I'm trying to remain confident and relaxed as you suggest. Thanks, as always, for your input, and especially for sharing your similar experience. It really does help. I don't remember the details of your last relationship, but here's a thought, actually drawn from experience: Maybe your ex felt you were too good for him, and that's why he never allowed himself to get fully invested. Did your ex ever say anything like : "you're too good for me?". But, FYI, I've always had those "what those this great guy see in me" jitters at the beginning of relationships. It's a good sign, IME. It just means you're really into him. My ex did occasionally shed sentiments of a "you're too good for me" concern; although he did it less and less towards the end of our relationship. I agree about being really into him. First thing I have to say is "Chin up, grrrrrl!" I have seen your pictures, you are EFFING GORGEOUS, so shut your mouth about being "somewhat attractive". Here's a smiley so you know I'm not being a b*tch about it. Aw, you are way too kind. Thanks for the sweet words. About the career stuff--I am so totally with you on that. I'm actually unemployed at the moment and have no idea what I want to do with my life, while my BF has a successful job in a sector that will keep him very gainfully employed pretty much no matter what. He's also really good-looking and blah blah blah, so I sometimes think, "WHY is he with me, again?" I'm so glad to hear you're in a similar situation! Honestly I'm usually pretty good about feeling confident in my intellect despite my career choice, but sometimes it still gets to me. It's comforting to know that a class act like you has those doubts sometimes, too. I forget sometimes that relationships are not really about social status or career choice. I certainly didn't size up my BF that way when we first started dating, and he didn't with me either. We like what we like. This guy likes YOU. You, with all the choices you have made up to this point and will make in the future. So do as RS says--be confident, relax and have an awesome time basking in mutual awesomeness with this awesome new guy. Such excellent points. I've never sized guys up solely on things like status or career so why should I assume that they would do that to me? Thanks for replying.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Well, I think I'd like to see them then. We would like to see yours too
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I just have to add that I have seen your pics too and you are OMG STUNNINGLY HOT. There, it had to be said. Thank you...that's really, really nice of you to say. Well, I think I'd like to see them then. Maybe one day. For now I'm wanting to be a little bit more anonymous.
Kamille Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Maybe one day. For now I'm wanting to be a little bit more anonymous. Rats. Now I was getting curious too.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Rats. Now I was getting curious too. Well now I can't...too much buildup! I would post one and people would be like ".........oh."
Kamille Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Well now I can't...too much buildup! I would post one and people would be like ".........oh." And she's modest too! What a catch.
tigressA Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Such excellent points. I've never sized guys up solely on things like status or career so why should I assume that they would do that to me? Thanks for replying. Exactly! For a good percentage of people--women and men, these are the questions considered: "Can they support themselves? Are they fiscally responsible? Are they satisfied with what they're doing? If they're not, do they have plans to become satisfied and secure, and are they putting them into action instead of b*tching and moaning? Aside from the career/money stuff...do we have a significant amount of things in common? Can they hold their own in conversation/debate with me? Am I having fun with them more often than not? Are they positive/negative/neutral in attitude? Gracious? Boorish?" You get the picture. I think it's interesting how when we feel insecure about where we stand with our SO, we immediately revert to the most superficial reasons why we think we're inferior to them.
SmileFace Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I don't understand. you and your ex are over. why are you listening to him? he know he wasn't right then, so why you are trying to prove him right now? love yourself and don't ever think someone is too good for you.you deserve the best
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I also saw a pic in your album with the ex. I couldn't believe it - you were about million times better than him! I actually do think that he could have subconsciously thought that you were too good for him and thus never felt fully comfortable in the relationship.
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is a non problem. This is a girl brag thread. I’ve seen what you look like and in that area you are set. Guys don’t really care what a girl does as long as its not something scandalous like sex call operator. Being a student or what ever is fine.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is a non problem. This is a girl brag thread. I’ve seen what you look like and in that area you are set. Guys don’t really care what a girl does as long as its not something scandalous like sex call operator. Being a student or what ever is fine. Nope...her ex did a number on her self-esteem. I don't think that she is bragging at all.
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Nope...her ex did a number on her self-esteem. I don't think that she is bragging at all. Her ex kind of proves a point. Even a guy with less options like an out of shape, short, low earning man can create options by slumming it on craigslist. If anything some one with more options is more genuine when they decide to date you because they could have just as easily never started anything up. I think she needs to get this type of thoughts out of her head. If the guy is good to her and she is attracted she should just continue to see him. The guy probably feels really lucky to know her.
angielove Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Isn't love all about seeing the imperfect as perfect? You think he is perfect because you like him so much. He likes you so much too so he probably thinks you are perfect as well! And that's why he is with you
Dust Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Someone with more options outside of a relationship would be dating down for more options in a relationship, i.e. they could get away with more since you both think so little of you. That sounds less genuine rather than more. That would be obvious though.
nordic Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 We would like to see yours too how do you post pictures here? is that possible?
dispatch3d Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 don't you have other things to work on than differences between old boyfriends and new boyfriends? I can't believe I read a full page of that. Get a hobby, or involve yourself in bigger problems than "the current guy I'm dating is awesome".
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 don't you have other things to work on than differences between old boyfriends and new boyfriends? I can't believe I read a full page of that. Get a hobby, or involve yourself in bigger problems than "the current guy I'm dating is awesome". Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a relationship advice forum...right? I was seeking advice pertaining to a relationship. I don't know if you're familiar with my recent backstory, but my last relationship left me pretty emotionally damaged and feeling less than fantastic about myself. I came here to gain some perspective and get opinions, and I've gotten just that. It's been helpful. I actually have lots of hobbies, a full time job, and a part-time volunteer job. It's not like I'm spamming the board with threads, so I'm sorry, but your hostility seems kind of uncalled for.
dispatch3d Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a relationship advice forum...right? I was seeking advice pertaining to a relationship. I don't know if you're familiar with my recent backstory, but my last relationship left me pretty emotionally damaged and feeling less than fantastic about myself. I came here to gain some perspective and get opinions, and I've gotten just that. It's been helpful. I actually have lots of hobbies, a full time job, and a part-time volunteer job. It's not like I'm spamming the board with threads, so I'm sorry, but your hostility seems kind of uncalled for. It's not hostile. Dating a successful guy isn't a problem, and doesn't deserve a thread. Don't take it as an insult, take it as a compliment and move on. You've stopped dating losers, congratulations . Go solve world peace.
Recommended Posts