Getting Over My First Break Up

[Annalisa]

My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago. We got together when he was still in the army, and I guess I saw potential instead of who he really is. After serving his allotted time in the army (there were about 3 months left after we got together), he decided to join the finance industry.

 

To do this, he had to take a few tests to get his license. And he kept failing because he wouldn't study until the last minute and used to tell me he just wasn't "academic". I was on summer vacation at the time (I'm an undergraduate) and I would study with him at libraries or cafes. I tried to be supportive and would nag at him to study but he would just play his computer games. It got really tiring after he'd failed for the 9th time but we were still in the honeymoon period so things were generally ok. Every time he failed, I'd be disappointed but I guess I made excuses for him. And it was my first relationship so everything was new and exciting to me.

 

After he finally got his license, he joined a finance company then changed companies about 2 months later. He never closed any deals so our dates were always "budget" but I didn't mind because I was happy just to be with him.

 

Then he decided he didn't want to be in finance anymore so he went into real estate. He changed companies once while in the real estate industry. Then he had to get his real estate license or he wouldn't be allowed to close any more deals. This meant going for lessons and taking a test.

 

I immediately thought of those old days when he was taking his finance test 9 times and never had any money so we always had to go on budget dates (sometimes just watching a movie at his place, which was boring). And I wasn't sure I could do it all again. Every time he failed, I lost a little respect for him because he hadn't put in the effort and was kidding himself.

 

So deep down in my heart, I knew and have always known that he isn't "The One" because of his job hopping, laziness (he stopped going to the gym and put on a lot of weight while we were together, also he didn't really study), and lack of stability (he'd cancel plans last minute and towards the end of our relationship it felt like it was always me trying to date him, never the other way around). Also there were days when he'd sleep for more than 12 hours. I guess all these things slowly gave me a bad impression of him. I wasn't proud to call him my boyfriend.

 

One day, I asked myself why I was with him. When I couldn't answer the question, I knew we had to break up. I wasn't happy anymore and I didn't see a future. The last straw came when he went on a day trip with his friends the day before my birthday. I'd asked him to join my friends and me for dinner and drinks but he told me at the last minute about this road trip and asked if I wanted to go along.

 

I was so angry and disappointed but I pretended that it didn't matter. It was my first birthday with a boyfriend and he wasn't even there. And not because of a legitimate reason like work. I just wasn't important enough.

 

He got back from the trip in time for drinks but I didn't really want him to meet my friends so I said I'd meet him later. Made him wait because I was pissed. He gave me a cake and a teddy bear (which he'd bought during the trip) but I broke up with him anyway.

[Annalisa]

It was my first break up and it didn't hit me until later. A few days later, I was feeling so alone and scared that I asked him to get back together. He said he needed time because I had hurt him by breaking up. So we "took a break" for about 3 weeks then got back together.

 

I tried to make things work. I really tried. But he was still the same. He had a new job and he would spend nights playing computer games and be late for work the next day. I would call him to make sure he got up for work. I just couldn't handle his irresponsibility anymore so I met him one night to try to talk some sense into him and we ended up breaking up.

 

Now it's been almost 2 months since that night. And it hasn't been easy. I know I can do better than him but I still miss him sometimes. Friends have been supportive but it's been 2 months already and I don't want to keep bothering them with my break up issues. A depressed person isn't fun to be with.

 

And I guess that's why I'm on this forum. I just wanted to get it all off my chest. My friends all know the story already. I must have told it dozens of times. So I feel bad going on and on about it to them.

 

Thanks for reading if you have. I know it's a long long post but I feel better after typing it out.

[Annalisa]

What I want to ask is this: How long does it take to get over a break up? Some days are really ****ty and I just feel sad. Other days I'm out with friends and I feel better. But I haven't been happy in awhile and I just want to be happy again. Why is this healing taking so long? I have much bigger reactions to small setbacks that I previously would have taken in my stride. Is this normal? When will I be "normal" again?

 

Should I allow myself to trawl forums like this and Facebook stalk my ex? Or should I be strict with myself and stop myself from wallowing in self pity and Facebook stalking him? I don't know how to get over a break up and it sucks.

 

I still contact my ex once in awhile. Found out he's moved on to yet another new job because things didn't work out with real estate. He must have changed jobs 4 or 5 times in the year we were together. Lately, he hasn't been replying or he takes a long time to reply to text messages. I know I should probably stop contacting him but it's hard!

 

I'm still jobless now so I have too much time to think about him. And I had a bad day today and felt like calling him but didn't. There wasn't anybody to call so I didn't. Just text messaged different friends.

 

My ex-best friend whom I grew up with wasn't really there for me through the break up. It was other friends who surprised me by being there. That's why I now see her as my ex-best friend. I always made time for her, boyfriend or not. It hurts because if the tables were turned, I would have been there for her. I've lost both my boyfriend and my best friend. And it's been a month and I'm still jobless.

 

So there are days when I'm sad but I try not to show it because I don't want people to worry. I don't know what to do. It's tiring pretending to be ok.

 

Sorry for the long long story but I feel better after getting it off my chest.

[Annalisa]

To make things worse, when we broke up we decided to "stay friends". He said he needed to work on his career. He also said it's never too late to get back together. So I'm really confused. Is he going to try to come back after he's worked on his career? Are we still friends if he hardly contacts me?

[johan]

You broke up with him after reLizing he's a lazy flake and can't hold a job for more than a month. But you are still feeling like the rejected one. Why is that?

 

It really does take time to get someone out of your system. And you have to come to terms with what happened. It's clear you haven't. What are you trying to resolve?

[Annalisa]

I guess it's because he changed jobs so many times and I always thought the next job would be better and he would finally work at it. I believed in him but I can't do it anymore. And he used to tell me about all these get rich quick schemes of his that I knew wouldn't work.

 

But a small part of me wonders if one day one of his schemes really will work. Or if he'll ever finally find a job he wants to work at. I never got angry with him after breaking up. And I don't think he ever got angry at me either because he understands why I did it and he knows he needs to work on his career. I was trying to save us more pain in future. And I guess I was hoping he'd wake up. I still care. I don't want to see him living on the streets or anything like that one day.

[StellaT]

I'm also going through my first breakup recently. A lot of people say first time is the worst; which means don't rush...you must take time to go through the healing process. Last night five months ago, he dumped me so I was trying to find other resources to help me go through this kinda date.

 

I mostly do self-help or talk to my host-father who's retired so lucky me that he has a lot of time to listen to me. I didn't talk about it to my friends much because like you, I don't want to bother them with this kinda thing.

 

We had been together 1 year and 10 months, and I also have no idea how long it's going to take me to completely get over it. But one thing I know is that I have got over the time that trying to win him back or dying to see him in person, still missing him tho but not doing anything about it.

 

Sometimes, I just have to remind myself that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger everyday before I go to bed.

[Rose T]

I guess it's because he changed jobs so many times and I always thought the next job would be better and he would finally work at it. I believed in him but I can't do it anymore. And he used to tell me about all these get rich quick schemes of his that I knew wouldn't work.

 

But a small part of me wonders if one day one of his schemes really will work. Or if he'll ever finally find a job he wants to work at. I never got angry with him after breaking up. And I don't think he ever got angry at me either because he understands why I did it and he knows he needs to work on his career. I was trying to save us more pain in future. And I guess I was hoping he'd wake up. I still care. I don't want to see him living on the streets or anything like that one day.

 

 

Annalisa, deciding to break up with someone is always a huge decision, and I can see it wasn't one you took lightly. I've walked away from unsuitable boyfriends - really unsuitable guys in the past - and even found myself second guessing that decision. So I can understand, after all you went through, why you feel unnerved by the whole situation.

 

I think you have to love yourself enough to trust that girl, that Annalisa who made the decision to break up with your ex. Think about how you felt when you knew he wasn't the one. That's important.

 

The downtime between relationships is hard for almost everyone to deal with. But being single, healing and growing, has an amazing purpose: it's the path to finding someone you're really compatable with. It's a long path, sometimes, and not an easy one. But you did the right thing. You left a man you didn't want to be with, you weren't afraid to be single, you didn't try to line the next one up while in a relationship, you just gathered your thoughts and your self-respect and you left. That takes guts.

 

In a while, maybe a few months, maybe less, you'll meet someone new and you'll thank that Annalisa who got out of the relationship when you did. Because without that move, without entering the valley of singledom again, reflecting about what you won and lost, there is no next love. There is no new shot at happiness. That's why you did it. Trust yourself and your instincts. When you do meet someone new, all of this will make much more sense.

[Annalisa]

Annalisa, deciding to break up with someone is always a huge decision, and I can see it wasn't one you took lightly. I've walked away from unsuitable boyfriends - really unsuitable guys in the past - and even found myself second guessing that decision. So I can understand, after all you went through, why you feel unnerved by the whole situation.

 

I think you have to love yourself enough to trust that girl, that Annalisa who made the decision to break up with your ex. Think about how you felt when you knew he wasn't the one. That's important.

 

The downtime between relationships is hard for almost everyone to deal with. But being single, healing and growing, has an amazing purpose: it's the path to finding someone you're really compatable with. It's a long path, sometimes, and not an easy one. But you did the right thing. You left a man you didn't want to be with, you weren't afraid to be single, you didn't try to line the next one up while in a relationship, you just gathered your thoughts and your self-respect and you left. That takes guts.

 

In a while, maybe a few months, maybe less, you'll meet someone new and you'll thank that Annalisa who got out of the relationship when you did. Because without that move, without entering the valley of singledom again, reflecting about what you won and lost, there is no next love. There is no new shot at happiness. That's why you did it. Trust yourself and your instincts. When you do meet someone new, all of this will make much more sense.

Thank you so much for writing that! It took me awhile to decide to break up with him even though I knew we aren't compatible. I asked myself if I wanted to be happy and I admitted that I just wasn't happy being with him after finding out who he really is. And the answer is yes, I do want to be happy so I decided not to stay in that relationship just because it was comfortable and something I was used to.

 

But sometimes I do feel a bit guilty for leaving when his career's a mess and I think maybe I could have been more supportive. On the other hand, I was supportive for a year and the relationship was taking its toll on me and affecting my studies. So I had to get out not just so I wouldn't waste his time but also for me.

 

Sometimes it's hard to stay single and not jump into another relationship though. The beginning of a relationship's so sweet and exciting that it's tempting. And people around me are dating. But I know I'm not ready yet. Friends have asked if I want to date guys they know but so far I haven't been dating. I guess it wouldn't be fair to those guys to waste their time when I'm still healing and not ready for anything.

 

So I'm going to stay single and work on myself. Do the things I've always wanted to do (see Europe!). And when the time comes and I meet somebody I really like, hopefully I'll be ready! Thanks so much for the encouragement!

[Annalisa]

I'm also going through my first breakup recently. A lot of people say first time is the worst; which means don't rush...you must take time to go through the healing process. Last night five months ago, he dumped me so I was trying to find other resources to help me go through this kinda date.

 

I mostly do self-help or talk to my host-father who's retired so lucky me that he has a lot of time to listen to me. I didn't talk about it to my friends much because like you, I don't want to bother them with this kinda thing.

 

We had been together 1 year and 10 months, and I also have no idea how long it's going to take me to completely get over it. But one thing I know is that I have got over the time that trying to win him back or dying to see him in person, still missing him tho but not doing anything about it.

 

Sometimes, I just have to remind myself that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger everyday before I go to bed.

I asked my friend if the first break up's the worst and it gets easier. She said it doesn't get easier but you get stronger. For me it's been about 2 months since the break up and there are still days when I feel emotional or overreact to small problems that shouldn't affect me so much. Sometimes I'm impatient with myself because I can't wait to move on and feel happy again.

 

Going out with friends helps a lot. I've been doing things with my friends that my ex never wanted to do. Like going to the zoo, going on a picnic, things like that. I wouldn't say I'm really happy during these outings but I do laugh and think "this is nice" and I feel better. I'm sure there'll be a day when both you and I will realise that we're actually happy and those happy memories don't include our exes.

 

I never regretted being with my ex. He taught me to kiss, he taught me to love, he taught me to accept and tolerate, and now he's teaching me to let go.

Edited June 2, 2011 by Annalisa

[StellaT]

I have the same reason to be impatient. I was much a mess for the first two months and then one day during spring break, I was just tired of crying, feeling the pain and loneliness repeatedly so I turned my attention on getting better grades and catching up the study I missed. Nowadays, I still sob until fall asleep. I did take people's suggestion to hand out with friends to somewhere that I used to go with my ex in order to refresh the memory and it turns out that every single corner of the city reminds me the good old days, gotta say it's awful. Through a friend I know that he's taking a good trip overseas. I can honestly say that I would be happy if he's happy. But, I can't help feeling blue to know that it's likely he gets over sooner than I do.

 

You mention about the rebound relationship. I have the same opinion as you do. It's not fair to them and it's not "healthy" to ourselves either. First-time relationship, it had happend three times that I just about left him because of his verbal abuse; he asked me for a second chance and I wasn't strong enough to end it so I made myself get used to his verbal abuse. Then, one day after almost a week-long fight, the first and only time I begged him for another try, he walked away from me without a second thought. I know I have made many mistakes in this relationship and I need to learn how to handle them better.

 

Reading your message helps me to see the bright color of future by the way.