hill Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) OK. This is going to be a long story. Kinda. But anyways, I was in a relationship for about a year and a half with a guy that I absolutely unconditionally love with all my heart. I know for a fact he loved me too, I could tell. The first year I never thought we would EVER break up. Everything was so perfect! We NEVER fought, just argued about little things and resolved small issues soon after. However, in March..he broke up with me. It was out of nowhere. I was so shocked, hurt and confused. His reasons were: "You do so much for me, and I don't reciprocate. It's not fair to you. You aren't my number one priority right now because of school." Okay, yes I do A LOT for him. I would do anything for him. I'd still do anything for him. And yes, he doesn't quite reciprocate, but I never got upset at that because I figured it was because he's so busy with school (he's graduating with his bachelor's and VERY active in his department) Idk if I gave him too much credit or justified it too much. It's just so hard for me to get mad at him. I love him so much. Anyways, we never stopped talking after the break up. We kept talking everyday and we saw each other a few times. Then it was spring break and I went out of town for a week. We texted that whole week and when I came back I saw him..and we pretty much got back together. He said we were going to try things out and work things out again. We never became "official" with the title, but we had all the same expectations/boundaries/"duties" as a bf/gf. I asked him if he was scared to commit because he wanted to date other girls, and he said "honestly...it's not that at all. It's just crazy for me to to have met the perfect girl I want to marry and I'm only 21. It's like a phase I'm going through." SO I thought, ok, so he DOES still really want to be with me. (HOWEVER I don't want to marry until I'm 25/26 and I told him that.) Nothing really changed... he didn't really do more than he used to... and he just wasn't lovey dovey as much anymore. Like he was affectionate, but he didn't send me anymore sweet texts or little emails or tell me sweet things and i love you's when we were together. With this happening, it made me a little stressed but I figured it's probably because the "honeymoon phase" is over. So recently, a couple weeks ago, I decided to talk to him about it- which I really didn't want to because in the back of my mind I knew it would probably initiate another break up....and it did He said "I'm sorry, I'm just lazy....it's not fair for you to go through this and you deserve someone who will reciprocate. YOu have a big heart and you should give that to someone else who has a big heart." Then he said... "I Just don't see myself marrying you down the line" I don't get it...what's wrong with me? Why is did he call me "perfect" and say he'd marry me and all of the sudden change his mind? I really don't get it, he says over and over "I'm perfect, I'm such a great girlfriend, nothing is wrong with me." We still talk everyday and the last couple times we hung out it's like things are back to normal again. He kisses me and cuddles with me. The problem is, it's SO hard for me to say no. I really want to be with him no matter what. Even as friends (he has said the same thing). I don't get it... I told him that I think he's freaked out that we are over the honeymoon phase and now he has to put work in so that scares him. He didn't say anything besides "yeah..that's true." I asked him if he loves me as much as I love him, and he says of course he does. He just said he's not into the relationship now as when he first got in it with me. Which I understand and I think he's just talking about the honeymoon phase again. I told him I think he doesn't know how to give back because he has never had to in his whole life, and no one has ever done as much as I do for him. He grew up as an only child, in a single parent household, and his mother taught him you have to work for EVERYTHING you want/need. Which that's how my parents brought me up too, but they always got me little things here and there which is why I did the same for him, because I was used to it. And he said "yeah..I agree, but it's just hard for me to give in general. I have to remind myself to get things for my mom like a mothers day card, etc etc." In case you guys want to know more, He's 21, I'm 19. We both go to the same university and both want to go to graduate school and get our masters/ph.d. It's funny how we met, we met at a party far from school, and after he asked for my number and we started talking, we found out we literally live down the street from each other. 1 minute away. Which is another reason why it's hard to say no when he asks to hang out. He's literally one minute away. I just really don't get whats wrong with me. I never did anything wrong, I really was a good girlfriend. I did whatever he asked or wanted, gave him my heart and unconditional love. He even said I was perfect. So why doesn't he want to be with me? *Oh and I'd like to add this is both of ours' first love and real relationship. Edited May 26, 2011 by hill
stace79 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 It's nothing wrong with you. It's him. He's an ass and commitment-phobic and an idiot. Like most guys. (Not all, just many.) You did everything you could to be good to him, and he couldn't accept it. He is right about one thing: you desserve better. You deserve somebody who will meet you halfway with no doubts. Maybe it is because you guys are still young or it's your first love. But seriously, you can find someone better. I know it still hurts though, and so for that I am sorry for you.
ShoeGurl1973 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 If I have learned one thing in life, it's when a man says "I'm not good enough for you, or you deserve better", believe him and walk away.
guccimane99 Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 If I have learned one thing in life, it's when a man says "I'm not good enough for you, or you deserve better", believe him and walk away. Shoe gurl is right about this i have heard this from every single woman of my ex gf's after they broke up with me. I hear all the perfect guy bs. Honestly, i always thought of people as equal but when i heard that i kinda gave the first girl what she wanted which was " Were good for each other." i should have said "your right i do," and hung up. So whenever you hear that do not walk into the trap just say ur right and hang up. I know it sounds like a dick ish move but there setting themselves up for it.
MissMoni Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Hill, I am sorry that you are going through this, but like the other posters I can affirm it's probably not you, and you may not ever really know the reason why he broke up with you. He may not even know why he doesn't feel the same way. When I read your post, I was reminded so much of myself. I gave and gave and gave to my ex and nothing I did was ever enough. He always found something wrong.When he broke up with me, he fed me the "I can't keep hurting you, it's unfair to you" line as well. He also told me that I had done "little to nothing wrong", he wasn't blaming me, and that it was his burden to bear. Fast forward 7 months, I pratically have to beg the kid to speak to me. Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that we can't MAKE people love us by what we do for them. You probably were great and were the best gf you could be, but that doesn't mean for some reason or the other he felt it couldn't work out. For me, my ex said we lacked "chemistry" (how we lacked chemistry and dated for 17 months the world will never know). It's something we have to learn to take in stride. He can't tell you WHY because 1. He doesn't want to hurt you and tell you he's not as into you as you are into him. 2. He doesn't know why he's not as into you. 3. He feels guilty for not being into you as you are into him. Your story is eerily similar to mine, right down to the honeymoon bit. One thing I have learned is that if someone TRULY cares about you, you won't have to ask them to reciprocate. They will be jumping through hoops to try to make you happy. I thought the whole "Oh this is our first relationship and he doesn't know how to treat me too" but the truth was he just never loved me. He thought I was nice, he thought I did nice things...but the feelings were never there for him after the "honeymoon". Hurts, but I have figured this is what must have occurred with me. Perhaps this is what happened with your ex.
Author hill Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 It just sucks because I feel like he really does love me back... He treated me really well the first 13 months and reciprocated.... I asked him if he didn't love me as much as I love him and he said he does... He's a really blunt guy and honest so he would've said no right? I mean he said he didn't want to marry me!! Unless he really doesn't want to hurt me more... It just sucks. I wanna go out to clubs and parties but I can't because I feel sad or guilty and I'm always thinking about him
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