Mr. Savage Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Hello all, first time poster here. Love the site, very informative! Anyway here is my situation in question. I have been friends with a girl from work for over 2 years. She was married. The whole time I have known her she talked about her failing marriage and that someday it would probably be over. Well that day came about 4 months ago. Once I heard she was separated from her husband I starting showing interest in her. I KNOW I should of waited but we have both liked each for some time. So we started dating. We dated for 3 months while she was still living with her separated husband and their 2 kids. He knew about it and was ok with it. So a month ago she gets her own place and drops on me that she thinks we rushed things way to fast and she does not want to be in a relationship right now. I tell her I love her enough to give her time to getting used to being a single mother for the first time in her life. It's been a month now and we still communicate over chatting and talking and see each other at work, but any effort I make to see her outside of work, as JUST a friend, seems to be shut down by her. There is always an excuse of I have to do something or I just want to be alone right now. Is it wrong of me to just want to see her as a friend when she is going through a difficult time? Or maybe she is trying to send me a message and I am not getting it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
sanskrit Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Not wrong at all, but also not realistic to try to be friends with someone one has feelings for. Suggest backing off entirely, she knows how to find you when and if she is ready.
Author Mr. Savage Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Yeah that seems the best thing to do. That is REALLY hard when you have become so attached to that person though and became used to seeing them and being with them everyday. The other question is what if I wait all this time and she doesn't want to get back with me. I basically gave up a part of my life for nothing. I guess it's a crappy situation I just gotta push through.
sanskrit Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Do not wait. In fact, amplify your efforts to find other options. Start making new friends now and then after a while start dating.
thatone Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Yeah that seems the best thing to do. That is REALLY hard when you have become so attached to that person though and became used to seeing them and being with them everyday. The other question is what if I wait all this time and she doesn't want to get back with me. I basically gave up a part of my life for nothing. I guess it's a crappy situation I just gotta push through. you're gonna give up part of your life for all of the others in the future that don't work out too. that's part of the game, deal with it.
chuckles11 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I agree with the other posters that you should just move on and date other people. As messed up as it sounds, letting her know that you are waiting for her probably makes you less attractive in her eyes.
spiderowl Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) I don't think someone coming out of a long-term relationship is in the best place to start a new one. They might seem so and certainly would need loving support, but they are on the cusp of starting to find themselves again plus feeling all mixed up about their old relationship, what went wrong, what they want in the future. Unknowingly really, you were ready for a serious relationship and chose this woman who, emotionally, is probably a loose canon. The minute she starts to get her confidence back and starts to build a separate life from the partner, she will be asking herself why be with anyone in particular when she could be enjoying the freedom to meet lots of new people and just have fun. This is a natural stage that people go through when a relationship breaks up. They might even throw themselves into a new relationship, only to realise that they are getting into something they haven't thought through and then drop out again, leaving their new friend shocked and devastated. This woman needs space to find herself and to try out being an independent person again. This means not being with anyone in a committed way, including you. She may be opting out of friends meetings because she senses you want more involvement and she just doesn't want to go there at the moment. If you back off now, go and do your own thing for a while and just keep in very loose contact with her but let her do the running, you may find that after she's exercised her freedom for a while, she realises that you're the decent guy she really needs. The other posters are right - if you hang around her and put pressure on her, she'll push you away. If you become a little scarce and aren't too concerned about dating her, she might realise what she's losing. You might need to let her go out and make some mistakes though. I think you are looking at a couple of years. You might not want to wait around that long and it would be better to look towards other relationships and put her on the back burner. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's my own personal experience of the process of separation and the way I've experienced other people behaving too. Edited May 26, 2011 by spiderowl
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