How Can I Get Over This?

[St.Dogmael]

Hi Everyone,

 

Sucks to be posting this today, but hopefully you guys can at least give me some insight or encouragement.

 

Girl I've been seeing for 2 months called it off last night, and I'm heartbroken. Things took a turn for the worse last week (I posted about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278409/)

 

I'm just wondering if I could have done anything differently. I feel like I made a big mistake that led to the break up, but part of me thinks that it was going to happen that way no matter what...

 

We started out by going on a handful of dates over a 2-week period, and she was always tough to read. Conversation was amazing and there were definitely sparks, and respectable kisses at the end of the night.

 

We went a week without seeing each other, then went to an opera together and that was the day when things really took off. That was 6 weeks ago, and we spent the past 6 weeks dating exclusively, usually 3 times a week. She spent a lot of time at my place, just making out on the couch and talking. She's a virgin (27) and never had a boyfriend before me. I on the other hand have had a lot of relationships (37) and have been engaged.

 

I feel I played it really cool over the past 6 weeks, not texting much (if at all) in between dates, and downplaying my feelings for her, which grew stronger over the past 6 weeks. But we did get to the point where it seemed we HAD to have "the talk"; this was when I wanted to plan something with her on the weekend and she already had plans Friday & Saturday- and she didn't offer to reschedule the thing I wanted to plan (though she did invite me to a group dinner on Sat).

 

I know people say that guys should never be the first ones to profess their feelings in a relationship, and I definitely tend to agree with that. But our "talk" was really just me saying, "hey, I'm starting to feel like there's something here, and if that's not where you're at, maybe we shouldn't do this."

 

Now I'm REALLY regretting that statement- even though I backed off it and told her I didn't mean to pressure her. The thing is, I really WAS feeling like we were both on the same page, and I was surprised to hear her say that she was conflicted, given all the time we spent together. We had amazing dates- walks on the beach, gazing into each other's eyes, all that cheesy stuff. She was already acting like my girlfriend- holding my hand whenever we went out, kissing me on the lips in front of her friends, etc.

 

I feel like I screwed up, like I pushed her away by overreacting to her being busy last weekend. But even after saying that, I told her that I didn't mean for her to feel pressured to do anything that doesn't feel right to her.

 

So last night she told me that she's not ready for a relationship, and she doesn't think we should see each other any more. I REALLY felt like I had to broach the relationship subject, given the way I was feeling, and the fact that she was so tough to read.

 

Could it have worked out if I had just been cool and not asked for anything that she wasn't willing to give? Or did I do the right thing (as some have suggested) by calling out her mixed signals??

 

I know it's a moot point, but I just want to feel like I learned something from this.

Edited May 23, 2011 by St.Dogmael

[ladyinlimbo]

I responded to your other post but obviously before having read this one so response there is moot, disregard.

 

Seeing someone 3 times a week is nothing to sneeze at. She was obviously making time for you. So for one weekend she'd already made other plans? Big deal. PLUS she did invite you to take part on the Sat night, so she was obviously including you.

 

Seems like you were too over-exuberant about things. Trying to rush things a little. Even if you 2 were in an exclusive relationship, that doesn't mean you have dibs on all of her weekends.

 

Some people (men and women) feel the need to end things if they're starting to feel smothered or like there are too many expectations when things are still relatively new. She's probably not used to being in a relationship and for someone to come along now and start taking issue with her other plans, that could make her feel like it's the beginning of the end and that should she remain she will no longer have the freedom to still have a life outside of the relationship.

 

Don't know what else to tell you. It's unfortunate she decided to just end things like that but I guess she did. Sometimes people panic when they're feeling smothered or that someone is way more into them then they are.

[St.Dogmael]

Thanks, Lady In Limbo... Gahhhhhh. I just wish I hadn't got so into her. I did apologize for pressuring her and even admitted that I overreacted. I mean, if she returned my feelings, she would've cut me some slack, right??

[turokturok5]

hey man im in the exact same position you are! met a girl, she had never had a boyfriend before so i was her first boyfriend. we had some really special times sitting under the stars at the beach, drive in movies etc etc. problem was she could never make time for me, said i couldn't go to her house sometimes because she had family over (by this point i had gotten to know her immidiate family pretty well + her grandparents, so it was pretty iffy to me, + her parents said i was welcome anytime) and whenever we caught up it was always in a group of mutual friends (her choice) on the off occasions when it was just me and her (i eventually told her i would rather do things alone) she would still suggest doing things with her siblings...Eventually she planned something with me and my mates and her mates, ended up ditching us and having a girls night without informing me which made me question the relationship and what she wanted to do about it and she dumped me, we dated for 2 months too!

 

Anyway, like you i was pretty heartbroken. Don't know how long it's been since you got dumped but it's been 4 months for me and let me tell you, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. At first i got desperate/needy and tried to get her back, no results. But now im feeling kind of indifferent, i still think about her daily and the time we spent together but it doesn't really hurt anymore.

 

If i could give you any decent advice, just let it go. Don't beat yourself up over questioning whether she wanted the relationship in the end, because you saw the red flags and it was enough to bother you at the time so you did the right thing by questioning her about her actions. Being new to a relationship, i guess the immediate response as mentioned by other people is that she felt smothered and wanted out, i'm guessing this comes down to lack of experience with relationships, i mean if there is an issue that is brought up, both people are meant to work on the issue and communicate with eachother, not just bail. In the end you should just keep your chin up and live your life, maybe after she has had a little more relationship experience she will realise what a good catch you were, but by then you probably would have found the girl of your dreams

[nyc_guy2003]

It's a little perplexing to me how a 37 year old with "lots" of relationship experience can make a rookie mistake like this. What was the catalyst for this particular situation that screwed you up??

[nana841121]

You need to cool down for a while before you take any kind of action.

Just remember that our pain is nothing compared to natural disasters

i know it may sound irrelevant to your situation and mind status.

I just want to say that god only gives us the pain we can bear.

[St.Dogmael]

Ouch, NYC Guy... not what I wanted to hear. But I guess I had it coming.

 

Not sure what you mean by your question. The catalyst was me feeling kind of peripheral in her life, even though we were doing a lot of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff... that was my own insecurity, no doubt. But this girl was really tough to read and really independent, and never gave me any verbal idea of how she was feeling.

 

Girls that I've dated in the past have been much more verbal about their feelings, and they've always been the ones to bring up "the talk", etc. With this girl, I never knew where I stood... I guess that's why I freaked out.

[nana841121]

you love her more than she loves you. so you can't read her mind through.

Don;t guess, it's useless

[Ms. Joolie]

Sorry to say this, and maybe this isn't what you want to hear right now, but I think spending 3 times a week with you was a good pace at this point. From your other thread, I was under the impression that she was not spending weekends with you and very little time in-between.

 

3 times a week is good, HOWEVER were you two even on real couples status yet? It sounds like with her "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" line that she has been hesitant all along to get involved in the relationship. You really have been just hanging on. You have been wanting more from the start, and she just wasn't giving it.

 

And she knows it, too.

 

The "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" is a tough line to take. The more I see it, the more I'm convinced of the wall it is that females put up, for their own good reasons.

 

It's a hard wall to take down.

 

Look, she's never had a relationship and that's a line she dishes out. A lot. That's my guess. The unavailable females are a LOT of work, and they only come around when they want to and as they want to. There is no easy way to take this line. You can only hope it's you she takes the wall down for and gives it up a little.

[St.Dogmael]

Thank you, Ms. Joolie. I'd like to think you're right- that she was hesitant all along, and my insecurity came out when I started sensing her hesitancy. Especially since I was starting to have strong feelings for her, I was definitely feeling anxious and looking for reassurance that she was on the same page.

 

And yeah, I think that she sensed I was wanting more- just like I sensed maybe she wasn't wanting that.

 

It's hard not to beat myself up at this point. I feel like IF I could've just hung back and been cool and not expressed what I was feeling, everything would be fine.

 

But maybe that's not true. Maybe we're just wanting such different things, that this would've come up eventually no matter what.

 

I don't know. But I don't really see anything else happening between us. She made it clear that she doesn't think it'd be fair to keep seeing me when she's so uncertain about what she wants.

[D-Lish]

I feel like I screwed up, like I pushed her away by overreacting to her being busy last weekend. But even after saying that, I told her that I didn't mean for her to feel pressured to do anything that doesn't feel right to her.

 

So last night she told me that she's not ready for a relationship, and she doesn't think we should see each other any more. I REALLY felt like I had to broach the relationship subject, given the way I was feeling, and the fact that she was so tough to read.

 

How did you screw up given her statement that she's not ready for a relationship? That's not on you, so don't blame yourself.

[St.Dogmael]

How did you screw up given her statement that she's not ready for a relationship? That's not on you, so don't blame yourself.

 

THANK YOU, D-Lish. I just really need to hear this today.

 

I know I made some misteps. But what I didn't mention earlier is that up till the end, I played it very cool- not texting or calling in between dates, not being clingy, etc. It was only me expressing that I was ready for a "relationship" that made her pull away.

 

As much as I appreciate other perspectives about what I could have done better, I really have to be gentle with myself in the coming days. My tendency is to blame myself when things go wrong, and the truth is that if she was on the same page as me, she wouldv'e cut me a little slack.

 

Thanks, everyone- this is helpful to me

Edited May 24, 2011 by St.Dogmael
typo

[htctouchpro2]

yea, dont be too hard on yourself

[Fedor]

If she was 27, never had a boyfriend and was a virgin, you should have known that relationships probably arent her cup of tea. Seems like there was to much differences in experiences as you are a decade older and have been engaged.

[D-Lish]

THANK YOU, D-Lish. I just really need to hear this today.

 

I know I made some misteps. But what I didn't mention earlier is that up till the end, I played it very cool- not texting or calling in between dates, not being clingy, etc. It was only me expressing that I was ready for a "relationship" that made her pull away.

 

As much as I appreciate other perspectives about what I could have done better, I really have to be gentle with myself in the coming days. My tendency is to blame myself when things go wrong, and the truth is that if she was on the same page as me, she wouldv'e cut me a little slack.

 

Thanks, everyone- this is helpful to me

 

You could be the most amazing person in the world- but if someone isn't "ready" to be in a relationship, nothing is going to matter much.

 

Don't blame yourself. Don't internalize this.

 

I have a big cyber hug for you (())

[St.Dogmael]

You could be the most amazing person in the world- but if someone isn't "ready" to be in a relationship, nothing is going to matter much.

 

Don't blame yourself. Don't internalize this.

 

I have a big cyber hug for you (())

 

Thank you so much, htctouchpro2, Fedor and D-Lish!

 

Not to sugar-coat this whole scenario, but I'm really starting to believe you guys are right. I had a couple beers with my buddy tonight, and he remarked that he always found this girl to be closed off and tough to read. He definitely affirmed that I wasn't at fault for expressing a desire for a deeper relationship with this girl, 2 months in. Especially given all the fun we had during that time (and she & I never talked about the "heavy" stuff). My friend's take on it was: it was almost like she was looking for an excuse to get out, because this is such unfamiliar territory for her.

 

Definitely makes the whole thing easier to deal with. Not that I can't learn from the mistakes I made, but I did the best I could.

 

Thanks again guys, so great to have the support.

[washguy74]

A 27 yr old virgin who's never had a boyfriend isn't "normal". I don't think you can learn much from this experience that will apply to future situations with women. As the next women in your life will surely be sooo different than this one.

 

But...

 

But our "talk" was really just me saying, "hey, I'm starting to feel like there's something here, and if that's not where you're at, maybe we shouldn't do this."

 

That coulda gone better. Sure you are putting your feelings out there, but you're also protecting yourself with "maybe we shouldn't do this." I don't think that's what a woman wants to hear, even an odd bird like this one. What about "Hey, I'm starting to feel like there's something here, and if that's not where you're at, it scares me a little, but it's a good kind of scared. If I DO end up hurt, I know I'll have no regrets, because you're worth it." Big smile, face touch, and end scene.

 

The catalyst was me feeling kind of peripheral in her life, even though we were doing a lot of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff... that was my own insecurity, no doubt."

 

Right, you were peripheral. She hasn't prioritized having relationships with men, having sex with them. So you weren't as important to her as you would be to any other woman you'd hung out with, what 20+ something times?!?! You're an accessory until she chooses you not to be.

 

Overall you're right though, don't beat yourself over this one. When someone is living closed down like this woman is, you can't even know what's there on the other side of the wall she's put up. You'd have to guess it's beautiful - isn't it most always so when people are actually being themselves - but it's tough to know just how high and thick that wall is.

[St.Dogmael]

Thanks, Washguy- I love your insight.

 

That coulda gone better. Sure you are putting your feelings out there, but you're also protecting yourself with "maybe we shouldn't do this." I don't think that's what a woman wants to hear, even an odd bird like this one. What about "Hey, I'm starting to feel like there's something here, and if that's not where you're at, it scares me a little, but it's a good kind of scared. If I DO end up hurt, I know I'll have no regrets, because you're worth it." Big smile, face touch, and end scene.

 

Agreed. I caught my mistake, and two days later I apologized and admitted that I had overreacted in a moment of frustration. She seemed to accept that. And the next time we discussed it (the night we broke up), I said something very similar to what you suggested: "I wasn't very eloquent the other night, because I was frustrated that I had planned something for us and you weren't available... truth is I'm kind of overwhelmed, because this is so much different from other relationships I've been in. But I'm trying to put my preconceptions aside and accept this for what it is. It's a little outside my comfort zone, but I don't think that's a bad thing." (smile, touch face :-)

 

So you weren't as important to her as you would be to any other woman you'd hung out with, what 20+ something times?!?! You're an accessory until she chooses you not to be.

 

Yeah, after 20+ dates, I'm used to a certain level of communication, shared feelings, verbalization of positive things that a woman is feeling. The fact that I got none of this (other than "you're really cool & interesting") contributed to my feelings of unease.

 

Overall you're right though, don't beat yourself over this one. When someone is living closed down like this woman is, you can't even know what's there on the other side of the wall she's put up.

 

Exactly. And at the end of the day, it helps to know that she simply wasn't open to a real, adult relationship with me. If after 2 months of steady dating, she wasn't feeling that, then there's really nothing else I could have done.

 

Thank you so much Washguy and everyone else who has weighed in! This has been so helpful to me.

Edited May 24, 2011 by St.Dogmael
typo