St.Dogmael Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Hey Everybody, A couple months ago I started dating this amazing girl, who also happens to be super-busy (posted about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270965/) Well, it's been 2 months now and things have been going great. But I'm definitely at the point where I'm ready to take the next step, and she's not there yet. And I think I want more from the relationship than she can give, given how busy she is. We had a conversation tonight after she told me that she's busy Friday & Saturday night. I got a little miffed, although I think I played it cool... I just said, "I know it sounds corny, but I'm asking myself if I want to be dating a girl who's not hanging out with me on Friday night." I followed up by saying that maybe it's better if we just be friends, rather than pushing for something that she can't give. She thought I was overreacting, but this has been going on for a while and I told her I've been feeling weird about being so "peripheral" in her life. She seemed really resistant to the idea of "just being friends". She said she's not sure what she wants yet, but she wants to keep seeing me. Unfortunately, I'm crazy about this girl and am definitely ready for more. And if she doesn't see what a great catch I am after 2 months, maybe she ain't the one for me. What do you guys think? I feel like I have to walk away from this, and it kind of breaks my heart...
Confusedalways Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 If after 2 months someone was still not seeing me on a friday or saturday, that'd be a problem. You should have a good idea of what you want after that amount of time. It sounds like you're a back burner guy, someone she likes but doesn't like enough. I'd pull the plug.
thespiff Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Ugh, this is how I feel except it is only the second day of our relationship! My boyfriend is 18, still in highschool, and the VERY popular type. He is always with his friends and so when I text him it takes about 2 hours to respond sometimes, and he doesn't even have a job or anything. I don't have many friends, so I always feel lonely while he is over at his house with his friends and not texting me. I actually feel really left out. He is SO busy with his friends that we don't even talk on the phone once a week since his friends practically live at his house and spend the night every night.... And I can't be there all of the time because I go to college and he lives far away so I can only see him about once a week.... I really hope I become priority after two damn months. I wouldn't settle for less if I were you. Your girl needs to pay more attention to you! Move on to someone who will give you the attention that you deserve. Life is short, and you don't want to spend it waiting for her.
NoMagicBullet Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 What is she doing that she's so busy? Work or class or some other kind of committment is one thing, but if she's just going out with friends... well, 2 months along you should be getting more of her time than her friends, if she was interested in moving the relationship along. Clearly stating that you want more of her time was a good thing. The ball is in her court now, but if she doesn't respond with arranging for the two of you to have more time together, then moving on is probably the only realistic option.
thatone Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 She seemed really resistant to the idea of "just being friends". She said she's not sure what she wants yet, but she wants to keep seeing me. Unfortunately, I'm crazy about this girl and am definitely ready for more. And if she doesn't see what a great catch I am after 2 months, maybe she ain't the one for me. the religious thing is a huge red flag, if you aren't sharing of the same beliefs. she could very well be pushing you away because of the religious morality of her parents. the reason why it's a red flag is because it's another potential explanation to a common issue, and you never will know what the truth is. in a normal relationship when one side is obviously trying to progress toward sex and the other gets more distant, the reason and solution are simple. one side is happy, the other not as much, so it's best that you part ways and try to find someone else. but you have the religious consideration too. she might very well be on the same level of attraction as you, but religious people can convince themselves to push people away to maintain their political/social morality. that's why you skip people who are very religious, if you aren't. people with differing religious views on relationships and sex can't have normal relationships. non religious people consider their relationship partners to be the most important thing in their life. religious people consider all people secondary to their religion. this is all hypothetical assuming the religious explanation for her distance is accurate, of course, but it's something i didn't see anyone else bring up so...
Author St.Dogmael Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Great point, Neal. I do think the religious thing is a BIG part of it. As things have gotten more & more sexual, she seems to have become more conflicted. Not conflicted about me, just conflicted about where the relationship is going. I know when she met me she wasn't expecting to do any of these things outside of marriage... I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks a lot for the input. And yeah, I do think I did the right thing in voicing my desire for more of her time.
thatone Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 it might be, the only way to know is to ask, and after a couple of months i don't think it's too soon for that conversation. all you can do is ask her if that's what the reason is, and if she says yes, tell her how far you're willing to go to appease her religious views. she can say yes, or no. that's why as a non religious person, i limit my religious dating to catholics. she can be comfortable in that i have a catholic family and thus do not hate her church, and i can be comfortable in knowing that she can really do whatever she wants as long as she goes to confession
Author St.Dogmael Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 that's why as a non religious person, i limit my religious dating to catholics. she can be comfortable in that i have a catholic family and thus do not hate her church, and i can be comfortable in knowing that she can really do whatever she wants as long as she goes to confession Haha, nice man. I'm Catholic too, and yeah... we're a bunch of heathens compared to some of these denominations :-) I saw her tonight and it was actually pretty good. By her own admission she's not great at relationships, but she wants to keep talking about what we each want/expect from this one. As far as sex goes, things have got more and more intimate each time we're alone (already beyond what she told me she was comfortable doing a few weeks ago), so I don't necessarily feel the need to push things. And if she's willing to meet my other needs in the relationship, I'm cool. So I just gotta be patient for now...
Ms. Joolie Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) At some point, she is going to have to decide to nurture the relationship. She can't always just be doing her own thing, she has to want to be in a relationship with you as well. It sounds like she is choosing her own personal life to be her priority right now. 2 months into a relationship isn't much, and it hasn't been enough to change her routine. Being that she doesn't have a long term relationship history behind her, I am guessing she really just isn't good at focusing on romantic relationships. It is your choice whether you will work with this situation or not. I know you like her bunches, but you are going to have to accept the situation she comes with - that is, her lack of relationship focus and her busy personal life. On average, how many days to you see her every week? Edited May 19, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
Author St.Dogmael Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Thanks Ms. Joolie, I think you're right on. We typically see each other 3 times a week. I know she already feels like she's doing a lot in this relationship. She gets up for work really early on weekdays, and often hangs out with me late at night on weeknights. She pointed out the other night that she wouldn't be doing this on a regular basis if she didn't really want to spend time with me. So I think you're right... I think she needs to feel like I'll be understanding of her situation. But I also need to know that she'll be attentive to what I want from a relationship. Work in progress, I guess.
Author St.Dogmael Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Update: apparently asking for more got me dumped :-( Read the full story here, and PLEASE weigh in! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279263/ Thanks & God bless, Dogmael
ladyinlimbo Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hey Everybody, A couple months ago I started dating this amazing girl, who also happens to be super-busy (posted about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270965/) Well, it's been 2 months now and things have been going great. But I'm definitely at the point where I'm ready to take the next step, and she's not there yet. And I think I want more from the relationship than she can give, given how busy she is. We had a conversation tonight after she told me that she's busy Friday & Saturday night. I got a little miffed, although I think I played it cool... I just said, "I know it sounds corny, but I'm asking myself if I want to be dating a girl who's not hanging out with me on Friday night." I followed up by saying that maybe it's better if we just be friends, rather than pushing for something that she can't give. She thought I was overreacting, but this has been going on for a while and I told her I've been feeling weird about being so "peripheral" in her life. She seemed really resistant to the idea of "just being friends". She said she's not sure what she wants yet, but she wants to keep seeing me. Unfortunately, I'm crazy about this girl and am definitely ready for more. And if she doesn't see what a great catch I am after 2 months, maybe she ain't the one for me. What do you guys think? I feel like I have to walk away from this, and it kind of breaks my heart... She can't have it all her way. If she can't make the time to fit you into her life, she can't expect you to stand around on the sidelines waiting. Why is she so busy? (sorry, didn't read your last post). What's she got going on on Fri and Sat nights that you can't be included in? You sure she's not just seeing others (and therefore busy on weekend nights) yet keeping you around as a Plan B should other things not materialize?
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 I think that you suggesting the "just friends" pushed her decision. I don't fault you for it, though ... well, maybe a little, because you really liked her and were NOT really interested in being "just friends;" you may have behaved a little dishonestly and maybe manipulatively there? Anyway, one way or the other, you did make it clear that you wanted more and that pushed her to decide. Before you did that, she was probably on the fence and willing to coast along. Actually, you probably did the right thing in putting her in the position to decide. Otherwise, you could have been coasting for a much longer time, getting more and more invested in her while not knowing what she was wanting. I'm sorry ... but at least you had only 2 months in, and you will be able to heal fairly soon.
Author St.Dogmael Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Thank you, Mme. Chaucer. I just really want to feel like I did the best I could. I feel so crappy about this, like I pushed her away. But how could I keep playing it cool after two months, when I was falling for this girl and she was giving me such mixed signals?
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